With its
colourful array of complicated heroes and malevolent baddies, the Marvel universe continues to fascinate beyond obsession.
DC? What's that?
DC? What's that?
Bryan
Singer takes the usual suspects back on board as we indulge with a sequel to First
Class, featuring references/inferences to The Last Stand and X-Men Origins:
Wolverine.
Mindless action outing Wolverine’s Rage
hogged Game Boy Colour d-pads in 2001.
X-Men 2:
Wolverine’s Revenge on PS2 was released to coincide, but wasn't canonical to X2 as hacking and third-person slashing through the
titular char’s mysterious past of 1968 smelled of distinct mediocrity.
I could go
on and on about related comic book pixels, but…
Plot
details and/or spoilers are sent from the future to repair the past.
Causing
ripples in the river of time include:
Hugh
Jackman – Wolverine/Logan
James
McAvoy – Charles
Michael
Fassbender – Erik
Jennifer
Lawrence – Mystique/Raven
Patrick
Stewart – Professor Xavier
Ian
McKellan – Magneto
Ellen Page
– Kitty
Peter
Dinklage – Dr. Trask
Nicholas
Hoult – Beast/Hank
In 2023,
Sentinels bear no mechanical scruples when obliterating human and/or mutant
ass. Those pinned down in Moscow
The
sagacious ramblings of Professor X and Magneto suggest for Kitty to send Wolverine's sub-conscious back to 1973 so the major disaster of Mystique dispatching Sentinel
creator Dr. Trask can be averted, as finding her DNA will create the might of a robotic
army - 50 years hence.
The
future’s bleak, the future’s Sentinels.
Before
waking to seek the help of Charles and Erik’s youthful selves, we take an
unofficial time out to remember Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side of the Moon, The
Who’s rock opera Quadrophenia (loosely adapted for the screen in 1979) and Mike
Oldfield’s Tubular Bells.
Films of
particular importance include The Exorcist, Mean Streets, Enter the Dragon, Don’t
Look Now and The Wicker Man.
Anyway, Logan
In order
for this impossible feat to become a reality, they secure the lightning speed of
Peter/Quicksilver.
If you
haven’t already, I’d definitely recommend American Horror Story…
Pong is
given a blast in his retro den which isn't a clanger, because Atari’s arcade was
released in 1972.
A superbly
staged and occasionally comical prison break follows, with slowdown so juicy,
even Super R-Type would blush.
The foxy
Mystique is mischief-making in Saigon and prevents Stryker from rounding up a bunch of mutants
for Trask’s research.
Our asses
inhale the atmosphere of France
A large
mural of Eugene Delacroix’s Liberty Leading the People spans the entrance doors.
Erik
believes the future will paint a very picture if Mystique is erased, but his
lousily directed shot succeeds in only wounding her.
After
Tricky Dicky approves the Sentinel programme, Mystique’s blood is recovered
which might give the pint-sized Trask an idea…
Erik intercepts
a train and ensures the prototypes are ready for action by adding a little iron
to their diet.
In order to
regain his telepathic powers, Charles packs in the habit of intravenously
injecting serum and becomes wheelchair-bound.
As Nixon
unveils a clutch of robot baddies at the White House, Erik uses the Robert F.
Kennedy Stadium as a makeshift barricade.
The
Sentinels open fire and the good guys fail in their attempts to subdue Erik. Logan
Meanwhile,
the DNA -enhanced Sentinels of the future eventually
overpower mutant resistance.
Reverting
back to the past, Erik prepares to kill Nixon but proves to be a naïve blunder,
as the 37th president is in fact Mystique.
Charles persuades
the girl in blue not to kill the Doc and because of this, the future is
rewritten.
Trask is
subsequently arrested for making a fast buck on military secrets.
The Logan
Impersonating
Stryker, Logan
Providing your
bum is willing to be numb for a little longer, a post-credits scene shows Apocalypse
constructing a pyramid via telekinesis as four horsemen look on.
Is Mister
Sinister already among us? We’ll see...
This
matches or even topples X2.
Effects
naturally sparkle and action twinkles in the moonlight.
The concept
of going back and forth mustn't drink from the chalice of stupidity and
happily, plausibility is guzzled by the gallon.
Mystique
altered the future, so the franchise is effectively rebooted because the
previously deceased (including Scott and Jean), are all ship-shape and Bristol
Although most
pieces to this puzzle fit, a few stones are left unturned.
Wolverine has
bone claws in the past but adamantium in the future.
This is
because Stryker hasn't yet reinforced his skeleton but in The Wolverine, the
Silver Samurai (Yashida) slices off his claws that swiftly regenerate as bone. So it remains to be seen when indestructible
steel was crafted (again).
Also, Kitty's ability to send people back in time doesn't make sense as she could only
pass through matter in The Last Stand.
Visiting Moscow
Holy
fucking shit.
I almost
expected ‘Chell’ to overcome a series of increasingly difficult tests, guided by darkly sarcastic artificial intelligence which promises deliciously moist cake, (which of course is a lie).
Her
namesake is also an essential supernatural ability needed to progress in
Dishonored, which allows Corvo to ahem, teleport short distances.
Since meeting
up in the year 2000, Mystique outrageously stole the memorable sound of Robert
‘T-1000’ Patrick imitating those unfortunate enough to be sampled by physical contact.
Remember,
the mimetic poly-alloy cannot form complex machines. Guns and explosives selfishly have chemicals,
moving parts. It doesn't work that way,
but forming solid metal shapes, such as knives and stabbing weapons, aren't so
hampered (dipshit).
It should
be taken with a pinch of pepper sauce, but anything faintly resembling Stargate
in X-Men: Apocalypse would cause more destruction than an unstable neutron bomb.
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