On franchise's ruby anniversary (surely why logo is red for the first time), Rian 'Looper' Johnson picks saga up directly after literal cliffhanger.
Mark Hamill - Luke Skywalker
Carrie Fisher - General Leia Organa
Daisy Ridley - Rey
Adam Driver - Kylo Ren/Ben Solo
Oscar Isaac - Poe Dameron
John Boyega - Finn
Kelly Marie Tran - Rose Tico
Domhnall Gleeson - General Hux
Laura Dern - Vice Admiral Holdo
Gwendoline Christie - Captain Phasma
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....
Dur, dur, duh, duh, dur, dur, dur, dur, dur, dur, etc etc etc.
Title crawl goes something like:
The First Order reigns supreme.
Supreme Leader Snoke sends his ruthless army to destroy the Resistance, but attacks have proven to be unsuccessful.
General Leia Organa believes Rey will bring Luke Skywalker back to spark hope.
However, in the midst of battle, the Rebel base has been exposed...
(Camera pans down).
After Poe and co survive a TIE dogfight, Snoke chastises Kylo Ren for losing to Rey and failing to destroy Skywalker.
When awaking from some kind of hypersleep, Finn asks Poe "Where's Rey?"
Luke is a broken man and came to die on the 'most unfindable planet in the galaxy'.
We get a smashing shot of submerged X-Wing and introduced to the adorable Porgs.
Was name influenced by The Pogues?
Ha ha ha!
I'd liken them to a furbee crossed with a penguin.
He's initially not interested in helping out, but changes his mind when R2 plays a recording of Leia on board the Falcon.
"Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."
What a cheap trick.
General Hux stalks Leia's fuel-dry fleet, while Rey and Ben psychically chew the fat.
It's eventually revealed that Luke tried to kill Ben, as he was powerless to prevent the Dark Side from consuming him.
Unfortunately, nephew threw a spanner in murderous works by waking up.
Rogue apprentice slew vast majority of Jedi generation and took selection with him.
Maintenance employee Rose catches Finn trying to escape and a relationship blossoms.
Via video link, Maz informs the only way to infiltrate Snoke's lead Star Destroyer is to find master code breaker on casino city Canto Bight.
It's Mos Eisley rebooted, with music humming of Cantina band.
Instead, they recruit a hacker called DJ, who later gives Rey and Finn up for some First Order booty.
Snoke plays with Rey for a short time and orders Ben to fight her.
Psychic conversation was arranged by disfigured baddie, as a plan to kill Luke.
Ben deceives Snoke and uses Luke's lightsaber to slice Master in two.
Yes, all powerful bad ass is suddenly killed.
Okay then.
Rey and Ben team up and dispense with Praetorian guards.
Final act takes place on secret Rebel base Crait where llama-esque Crystal Critters inhabit planet.
After new Supreme Leader throws everything but the kitchen sink at Resistance, Luke faces Ben alone.
Jedi is struck down, but physical form is actually still on Ahch-To (God bless you).
Luke dies shortly after, becoming one with the Force.
This was not a popular decision among fans.
We close with anonymous boy on casino planet gazing at ring bearing Jedi Order insignia.
A force to be disappointed with
Ignoring book and comic series Journey to Star Wars, let's look at film independently.
There's impressive duels, spectacular set-pieces and bold diversity, in what overall is a 'mediocre' Star Wars movie.
Rian Johnson takes elements from Episodes V and VI, but unlike The Force Awakens, this is largely an original film.
But that is a double-edged lightsaber.
Driven by a boring catch spaceship if you can storyline, bloated running time is littered with 'convenient' deaths, dropped subplots and wasted characters.
Most hated (and understandably so), that Johnson took a giant shit on everything what Luke's character stood for, but regardless of opinion, Hamill does a brilliant job.
Attire is obviously based on Alec Guinness's Obi-Wan and using Yoda's ghost from Empire and Jedi gets a huge thumbs up.
While seeing Carrie Fisher for the final time will bring a giant lump to our throats, she will be remembered for a special performance.
Oh, she completed every scene and none were cut.
Her daughter Billie Lourd has a small part as Lieutenant Connix.
Reunited on-screen for the first time in 34 years, Leia says to Luke 'I wear my hair different now', obviously making reference to iconic buns.
Ridley's character ultimately goes nowhere, Adam Driver is given greater scope, but Boyega is boring.
New characters Rose and Leia's deputy Holdo are fun for different reasons.
Chewie cooks and prepares to eat a Porg, but is put off when one of its kind looks on in sheer horror.
Even I went 'awwwww'.
Rey's parents selling her on Jakku for booze?
I never expected (such a fucking cop out).
Before Finn's ridiculous fight with Phasma, he states 'Come on Chrome Dome'.
(Pulls face).
By pure coincidence, insult is also a Turtles villain.
Leia scolds Poe for blatantly ignoring orders by saying 'get your head out of your cockpit'.
Who was Snoke? Where are the Knights of Ren?
Err...
Never mind about Rey being so Force proficient without the necessary training, why was topless shot of Adam Driver kept in?
Finn and Rose's adventure on Canto Bight was pointless and grossly erroneous.
One of C-3PO's arms was noticeably red in The Force Awakens, but limb has magically reverted back to gold for no apparent reason.
Abrams will direct Episode IX (Colin Trevorrow left the project due to creative differences), so maybe we'll be told how Maz got Luke's lightsaber and more might be made of Rey's apocalyptic vision.
They're adamant she won't be digitally created, so it will be interesting to see what they do about Leia.
All will be revealed in 2019.
At the end of first set of credits but before main scroll, a touching tribute appears.
In loving memory of our princess: Carrie Fisher.
(Wipes tear from eye).
