Nukes and Knives™: February 2021

Arnold Schwarzenegger was John Milius's first and only choice to portray muscle-bound warrior and the great man himself called movie "God's gift to [his] career."

Popularity got around...

Unless stated, arcade version shown.

Poster

Kings Among Men (Crimson Shadows album) and Lady Sword: The 10 Captive Maidens (PC Engine)

Take away sword.

Death Brade¹ (Arcade, X68000 and FM Towns) and Scorpion or Sub-Zero (Mortal Kombat)

Sneaky eh?

¹Outside of Japan, sequel to Hippodrome is called Mutant Fighter.

For whatever reason, butchered Super Famicom port changed stance of Hercules to mimic Boris Vallejo's National Lampoon's Vacation.

WHY?

Barbarian: The Ultimate Warrior (various)

Michael Van Wijk (who would of course become pantomime Gladiators villain Wolf) and Maria Whittaker caused huge controversy.

Budget versions published by Kixx were without glamour model.

(Sigh).

Artist responsible for cover of Computer and Video Games (or C&VG) made geezer angry.

June 1987

Going deeper.

German poster

Magazine advert took note and was duplicated only for BBC Micro/Acorn Electron versions.

Loading screen (Acorn only)

Cool and all, but why spoil things by making writing so fucking clumsy?

In any case, it's not even the full title.

Anyway, I believe shit was born from:

Conan the Adventurer (1974) - Frank Frazetta

Fabulous stuff.

Logo

Legend (SNES)

Sword of Sodan (various)

Enclave (Xbox)

Assholes behind 'unofficial' Conan adaptation The Scorpion King (2002) decided to rape tagline.

Warrior.

Legend.

King.

Definitely isn't similar to:

Thief

Warrior

Gladiator

King

Which brings me nicely onto the silver screen.

Films

Do protagonists tick all the boxes?

Shaggy hair.

Muscles.

Pointy stick.

Yes.

The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Ator, The Fighting Eagle (1982)

Deathstalker (1983)

Gunan, King of the Barbarians² (1982)

Conquest (1983)

The Sword of the Barbarians (1982)

The Beastmaster³ (1982)

Thor the Conqueror (1982)

²At the beginning, Ceratosaurus vs. Triceratops was stolen (without permission of course) from One Billion Years B.C.

³Loosely adapted from Andre Norton's 1959 novel The Beast Master.

Finally.

Barbarian⁴ (2003)

Despite unsubtle title, shitty film actually rips off Deathstalker, and even hijacks footage for Munkar's orgy.

WTF?

⁴ntbcw unrelated 1987 and 2002⁵ video games of same name.

As opening titles roll, Kane's training montage took 'inspiration' from Arnie.

⁵Saffire's Power Stone clone was released as Warrior Blade: Rastan vs. Barbarian in Japan.

Back in the 80's, Sega were at the absolute peak of their powers.

One such hit was Golden Axe.

Digitised death screams were stolen from First Blood (1982).

Namely, 'Awww Gawd' (Mitch) and Galt's protracted roar when falling from helicopter.

Oh, just before Matrix is pinned down in Commando (1985), peculiar 'ouch' found its way into game.

More importantly, screams from Bad Brothers and skeletons are taken from Conan impaling Thorgrim.

Ax=Battler

Name will NEVER make sense.

Regular attack

Wow, right?

Master System

Port gave Tyris and Gilius marching orders, leaving Ax Battler (renamed Tarik) to decide which magic to unleash.

Other than that, it's pretty much what we remember, apart from ending.

Conan sits on indistinct throne, with anonymous Queen laid in a very similar position to Maria.

Home computer back art

Dermot Power sat heroes around a campfire, rather like Valeria, Conan and Subotai.

Coincidentally.

Pseudo bonus stages gives the opportunity to replenish power and magic.
Hey, what's that hot orange thing?

Hmmm.

Rastan Saga

Titular hero took no cues from Conan - honest.

Check out ending.

This is only a part of my long story - only a part to become a king.
If I have another chance, I'll tell you my other adventurous stories.

So, did Conan return the wayward daughter of King Osric to her home.
And having no further concern, he and his companions sought adventure in the West.
Many wars and feuds did Conan fight. Honor and fear were heaped upon his name and, in time, he became a king by his own hand........
And this story shall also be told.

Rastan Saga II (released as Nastar and Nastar Warrior in Europe and North America respectively), was absolutely terrible.

But Warrior Blade: Rastan Saga Episode III ensured series went out with a bang.

The story of how I became king is so long that I can't tell you in one night.
But, I'll tell you as long as I can. About those days filled with danger and treasure......

One more.