The Blackening - The scoop and digest

Based on the skit by comedy troupe 3Peat, Tim Story directs, while Tracy Oliver and Dewayne Perkins pen screenplay and story.

Grace Byers - Allison

Jermaine Fowler - Clifton

Melvin Gregg - King

X Mayo - Shanika

Dewayne Perkins - Dewayne

Antoinette Robertson - Lisa

Sinqua Walls - Nnamdi

The following is based on true events ... that never happened.

Summary

At a cabin in the woods, Shawn and Morgan play a board game called The Blackening.

When a mysterious voice demands they pick a card and play, Shawn answers a question incorrectly and is promptly killed by an arrow to the neck.  His other half tries to escape, but is captured by a masked figure.

The following day, friends Dewayne, Nnamdi, Allison, Lisa, King, Shanika and the seemingly uninvited Clifton turn up at the house for a party Morgan and Shawn are due to host.

After all and sundry find the game, the voice lays down the rules and begins asking trivia questions on African-American culture.

Juneteenth motherfuckers

Scream, Scary Movie and Saw?

Yes, satire is all that and racial stereotypes enjoy taking the piss out of horror tropes.

Clifton pointing out he uses Android rather than an iPhone is a dead giveaway that he's the killer, as Apple famously don't allow villains to use their products.

Regardless, group only have themselves to blame for doubting his level of 'blackness'.

Fellow cohorts Clive and Camden Connor also play their part.

Keeping the laughs going for 90 minutes was always going to be difficult, and so it proves.

While initially impressive, humour wilts.

Further complaints include dark cinematography and some lacklustre editing.

Niggles aside, something different should always be applauded.

The Dive - The scoop and digest

Maximillian Erlenstein remakes Joachim Hedén's fairly obscure Swedish thriller Tödliche Tiefen (Breaking Surface).

Sophia Lowe - Drew

Louisa Krause - May

Summary

Sisters Drew and May travel to a beautiful remote location in Malta (previously Norway) to explore a cave.

At 100 feet below sea level, a rockfall traps May's leg underneath a boulder.

Drew is tasked to save sibling from a watery grave.

Nitrogen narcosis

"The calmer you are the less air you use."

Aside from exotic setting, differences between this and superior original are largely superficial. 

Hardly surprising really, as Erlenstein co-wrote screenplay with Hedén.

While 47 Meters Down meets 127 Hours delivers some exciting tension, aquatic premise ironically becomes shallow.

Fair play for giving Drew her own Fawlty Towers moment though, as rather than tree branch, she uses hammer to give car 'a damn good thrashing'.

Strays - The scoop and digest

Dan Perrault writes and Josh Greenbaum directs the first adult talking dogs comedy.

Will Ferrell - Reggie

Jamie Foxx - Bug

Isla Fisher - Maggie

Randall Park - Hunter

Will Forte - Doug

Brett Gelman - Willy

Summary

Drug addict Doug only keeps his gullible Border Terrier Reggie around to spite an ex-girlfriend.

After Reggie breaks his bong, Doug snaps and manages to dump mutt in a secluded location.

He meets fellow strays Bug, Maggie and Hunter, who teach him the ways of the world.

Realising that Doug is actually a bad guy, Reggie vows to bite his dick off.

Mid-credits

A doctor tells Doug his penis can't be re-attached.

FFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!

Best Piss Friends Forever

On a positive note, animated mouths are convincing and lip sync is effective.

But other than that, this was not the dog's bollocks, just bollocks.

Relentless profanity is broken up by mushroom trip, humping, pissing and shitting.

All of which barely give laughing tackle a workout.

Will a sequel led by foul-mouthed cats come to fruition?

Possibly.

Blue Beetle - The scoop and digest

Before Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom wraps DCEU up, Ángel Manuel Soto directs penultimate entry.

Xolo Maridueña - Jaime Reyes/Blue Beetle

George Lopez - Uncle Rudy

Adriana Barraza - Nana

Damián Alcázar - Alberto Reyes

Elpidia Carrillo - Rocio Reyes

Susan Sarandon - Victoria Kord

Raoul Max Trujillo - Carapax

Bruna Marquezine - Jennifer Kord

Becky G - Khaji-Da

Summary

In Antarctica, Kord Industries co-founder and CEO Victoria Kord finds an alien artefact known as the Scarab.

Palmera City.

Fresh from graduating, law student Jaime Reyes is told his family are facing eviction for falling behind on their rent.

After Jaime meets Jennifer (Victoria's niece), she tells him to meet her at Kord Tower to discuss a 'job opportunity'.

The following day, Jennifer learns Victoria is using the Scarab for shady One Man Army Corps projects.

Jennifer steals object and gives it to Jaime for safe-keeping, warning him to leave well alone.

Does he listen? Of course not.

The Scarab suddenly activates on touch and attaches itself to Jaime's spine, creating an armoured suit which starts talking inside his head.

Without the Scarab, Victoria can't complete the O.M.A.C, so she sends her bodyguard Carapax to claim it back.

Mid-credits

At Ted Kord's laboratory, the computer turns on and a distorted recording of his voice attempts to inform Jennifer that her father is still alive.

Will this go anywhere?

Highly unlikely.

Post-credits

An animated version of El Chapulín Colarado (The Red Grasshopper) plays.

Not that we knew at the time, but callback to classic 70's Mexican TV series is set up by Rudy's makeshift device called the 'Chapulín'.

World destroying weapon

Going in with low expectations, I actually had a pretty good time.

Family driven yarn is full of heart and boasts decent action.

Maridueña's portrayal as the third Blue Beetle initially annoys, but grows on you.

Similarities to Venom and Iron Man are abundantly clear and inevitable CG heavy battle between Reyes and Carapax was meh.

When suit is deactivated, Jaime becomes naked, giving off a weird nod to An American Werewolf in London.

Design was inspired by Batman: The Brave and the Bold, Injustice 2 and Infinite Crisis series, but looks more like the Guyver manga.

James Gunn and Peter Safran have already confirmed that Maridueña will be part of the DCU, and on this evidence - that's no bad thing.

Video games lifting likeness - Final Act

Going out with a bang.

When necessary, specifics will be disclosed.

Miscellany

Battle Storm
L-R: Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Eddie Murphy, Bruce Lee and Arnold Schwarzenegger

Dr. Malcolm Betruger - Doom 3 and Resurrection of Evil vs Anthony Hopkins

Clive R. O'Brian - Resident Evil: Revelations vs Bill Murray

Heavy D¹ - The King of Fighters '94 (debut) vs Colonel Shikishima - Akira

¹Named after Jamaican-born American rapper of same name.

Mike - Hard Times vs Noodles (Robert De Niro) - Once Upon a Time in America

Agatha - FixEight vs Lori (Sharon Stone) - Total Recall (1990)

Afro Fist - God Hand vs Jim Kelly²

²Probably based on Black Belt Jones.

Kate Green - The House of the Dead 4 vs Fergie - Black Eyed Peas

Boss - Explosive Breaker vs George Lucas

HA HA HA!

Deputy Wheeler - Silent Hill: Homecoming vs Forest Whittaker

Patrick Napier - Silent Hill: Downpour vs Philip Seymour Hoffman

Sophia - Warrior Blade: Rastan Saga Episode III vs Priestess of the Whip (Raquel Welch) - The Magic Christian

Wow, right?

Multiples

Turning the volume up.

Dead Connection

September 5 1952 in the Big Town.

I can't find anything significant in history to explain why Taito used that date, but that is one kick ass setting.

Nerozzia vs Vito Corleone (Marlon Brando) - The Godfather

Philip and James depict George Stone (Andy Garcia) and Eliot Ness (Kevin Costner) respectively in The Untouchables. 

Zed Blade

Corporal Swift Arnold vs Maverick (Tom Cruise) - Top Gun

Master Sergeant Uncle Beard vs Michael (Robert De Niro) - The Deer Hunter

What the fuck is that on his shoulder? A squirrel glider?

Jesus Christ.

Elvira II: The Jaws of Cerberus

Dream features a beautiful woman who transforms into a hideous creature.

Splilling a rather AMAZING secret.

Laura (Kerrie Keane) - Incubus

After approaching Sam (John Cassavetes), her face briefly shapeshifts, revealing she was titular monster all along.

Now I don't want to hear any bullshit about coincidence.

Download 2

Plot makes this one of the weirdest shmups EVER made.

The Ethnic Council raids the data library of the Ministry of International Trade and Industry and steals the digitised brain of Adolf Hitler.

When brain achieves sentience and causes a ruckus in cyberspace, leaving it up to Syd to stop him.

WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY SMOKING?

Before geezer enters spaceship, he's watching Clark Kent (Christopher Reeve) on the Hyper News Station.

Guess he got bored of The Daily Planet.

After a bevvy of bosses, we reach the Emperor, who looks nothing like Adolf Hitler.

You can see why this was only released in Japan.

Final challenge is nightmare fuel.

D. D. Crew

Shut up, already!

Sega's obscure (and shitty) scrolling brawler would look out of place on a Mega Drive.

This is definitely no Streets of Rage. 

Playable characters

King vs Arnold Schwarzenegger

F.F vs Patrick Swayze

Gung Ho vs Ramίrez (Sean Connery) - Highlander

Buster vs Arsenio Hall

Bosses

As a special bonus, I'm including hilarious pre-fight dialogue.

Horace vs Freddie Mercury

"You're in for some roughin' man!"

Tong Lee vs Bruce Lee

"You! Die!"

Dominatrix vs Jane Fonda

"Nobody passes me, alive!"

Mann vs Spike Lee

"Take a load of this wild thang!"

Mr. Gold vs Richard Kiel

"I'm comin' througggh!"

President Zero vs Takeshi Kitano

"Evrything has it's rise and falls!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.