The Last of Us: Season 2 - Episode 2

Through the Valley

Written by Craig Mazin

Directed by Mark Mylod

Abby warns her past self not to enter the room where her father was killed.

When she awakes, Abby scopes out Jackson.

Ellie chats with Jesse (Young Mazino) who tells her that Joel is already on a patrol with Dina.

After Abby inadvertently awakes a horde of infected hiding beneath the snow, Joel rescues her and they meet with Dina, who says his name.

Uh oh.

Abby convinces them to go back to the lodge where her friends are waiting.

Amidst this, more tendrils are found inside a pipe, redirecting the infected to attack Tommy's settlement, resulting in multiple human casualties.

When Joel says they must leave, Dina is held at gunpoint and knocked out.

Abby reveals all and kneecaps Joel, then repeatedly bashes wound with a golf club until it breaks.

Ellie is restrained and forced to watch Abby apply the killer blow by stabbing him in the neck with the broken end.

Jesse turns up and Joel's body is taken with them.

Certainty masquerading as knowledge

Action sequence of the infected swarming compound World War Z-style was exciting and Tommy emptying flamethrower on a Bloater before it dies in front of him smacked of The Thing (1982).

Shit is just window dressing for infamous event, and while still fucking ridiculous, set up is slightly different.

Joel will be back for flashbacks and emphasis may shift to guilt and grief.

Although TV series has reached the point when I stopped caring about anything what happened next in the game, I'll soldier on.

The Woman in the Yard - The scoop and digest

Jaume Collet-Serra's psychological horror is written by Sam Stefanak (in his feature film debut) and scored by Lorne Balfe.

Danielle Deadwyler - Ramona

Okwui Okpokwasili - Woman

Peyton Jackson - Taylor

Estella Kahiha - Annie

Russell Hornsby - David

Summary

After her husband David died in a car crash, widowed single mother Ramona cares for her children Taylor and Annie.

When a mysterious lady draped in black appears in their yard (who's a dab hand at shadow magic by the way), Ramona begins acting strangely, suggesting she's hiding something.

Oh, this isn't a crossover of The Woman in Black.

(Laughs).

If Mediabreak's Jess Perkins in Robocop (1987) was reporting on the situation, I'm sure she'd say something like:

"Woman: Who is she? What is she? Where does she come from?

Questions have desperately predictable answers.

Today's the day

Decent idea is strangled by a boring script, lifeless characters, sub-par performances and turgid pacing.

Unhappy with her marriage and life, Ramona had an argument with David, crashed the jeep and killed him.  On doing so, she created the Woman, a physical manifestation of her psyche.

Yeah, another shitty derivative of Silent Hill.

Anyway, the Woman convinces Ramona to commit suicide, telling her the kids would be better off without her.

Ramona sends Taylor and Annie away and places a rifle under her chin.  Satisfied that she'll pull the trigger, the Woman disappears.

Err, okay.

She doesn't go through it and the kids return.

A downer ending would've hit harder, and improved a very ordinary chore.

The Last of Us: Season 2 - Episode 1

Future Days

Written and directed by Craig Mazin

In Salt Lake City, a group of Fireflies bury the dead from the hospital massacre.  Tending her father's grave, one such member Abby (Kaitlyn Dever), vows to find Joel and kill him slowly.

5 years later at Tommy's settlement in Jackson, Wyoming, Ellie (now 19) is estranged from Joel after telling her porky pies about the Fireflies.

Joel vists psychotherapist Gail (Catherine O'Hara), with original character revealing that client killed her husband Eugene.

During a patrol, Ellie kills a new type of Infected capable of silent cover and stalking, but is bitten in the process.

At a New Year's Eve party, Ellie and Dina (Isabela Merced) kiss, prompting Seth (Robert John Burke) to call them 'dykes'.  Joel attacks him for doing so, but Ellie doesn't need his fucking help.

As tendrils emerge through a broken sewage pipe, Abby and her crew observe the town from afar.

Bearbque!!!

Before diving in, let's remind ourselves of how TV series altered timeline.

Original game - 2013, 2033-2034.

Season 1 - 1968 (very briefly), 2003 and 2023.

Part II - 2038.

Season 2 - 2028 (effectively 2029 as episode ends on New Year's Eve).

If narrative follows source material, we'll be going back and forth like a bastard yo-yo.

Anyway, to major character change.

In the game, Eugene Linden only appears in a photograph when Ellie and Dina find his cannabis den.  They mention former Firefly served with Tommy and regularly went on patrols with Dina.  He died from a stroke aged 73.

So Jerry Anderson is no longer Abby's father.

Interesting.

While by no means a terrible opening, Ellie's unpleasant nature annoyed the hell out of me.

Also, nobody encountering a Stalker in 25 years is far-fetched to say the least.

Although that 'event' could easily happen next week, I think shit will be dragged out until number 3, with Gail possibly taking a swing.

A Minecraft Movie - The scoop and digest

Jared Hess adapts arguably the best-selling video game of all time.

Jason Momoa - Garrett "The Garbage Man" Garrison

Jack Black - Steve

Emma Myers - Natalie

Danielle Brooks - Dawn

Sebastain Hansen - Henry

Summary

Struggling salesman Steve enters a mine to realise a childhood dream.  Inside, he finds two mysterious artefacts (the Orb of Dominance and Earth Crystal) and combines them, opening a portal to the Overworld, where anything imaginable can be created.

After Steve tames a wolf he calls Dennis, they build endless masterpieces together and life is perfect.

That is until they enter the Nether, a dimension solely populated by evil Piglins, ruled by gold-obsessed sorceress Malgosha.

To prevent Malgosha from controlling the Overworld, Steve gives objects to Dennis to stash under his bed back on Earth.

Some time later, former video game champion Garrett Garrison is about to be evicted from his store Game Over World.  To earn some much needed cash, he successfully buys an Atari Cosmos at an auction, but box only contains Steve's junk, including the Orb and Crystal.

School misfit Henry ignores written warning to never combine the artefacts, causing his sister Natalie, Garrett and real estate agent Dawn to be led to the mine and sucked into the Overworld.

But have no fear, 'master crafter' Steve is here.

Post-credits

Steve returns to his former home to collect a crate and a woman called Alex answers the door.

We only see her from the back, but voice is provided by Kate McKinnon, with Alice May Connolly as the physical body.

Chicken jockey

Yeah, I said it.  But please don't hurl popcorn at your device's screen.

Although spectacularly unremarkable and instantly forgettable, distributor Warner Bros. won't give two shits, as this is on course to take over a billion dollars at the box office.

From the Boots of Swiftness to Ender Pearl, there's enough references to make fans go hysterical and even adds a few of its own weapons - the Tot Launcher and Buck-Chuckets.

Aside from other cameos, a pig wearing a crown pays homage to late YouTuber Technoblade.

Digital world is okay I suppose, but inhabitants and human beings kinda feel unnatural.

Who knows if intentional, but the cabinet artwork and gameplay of fictional arcade Hunk City Rampage appears to be based on Double Dragon and Final Fight respectively.

The Alto Knights - The scoop and digest

Barry Levinson's second mob drama after Bugsy (1991) is written by Nicholas Pileggi (whose non-fiction books Wiseguy and Casino: Love and Honor in Las Vegas, were famously adapted into Goodfellas and Casino respectively).

Oh, title is taken from the social club where a young Frank and Vito hung out.

Robert De Niro - Frank Costello/Vito Genovese

Debra Messing - Bobbie Costello

Kathrine Narducci - Anna Genovese

Cosmo Jarvis - Vincent Gigante

Summary

New York City, 1957.

Mob boss Vito Genovese sends his enforcer Vincent Gigante to assassinate Frank Costello, but fails.

At the hospital, it's revealed he survived because the bullet didn't penetrate his skull and miraculously exited near his left ear.

When interviewed by the police, Frank claims he didn't see his assailant.

Frank decides to retire and concede control of the Luciano family, but the ultra paranoid Vito is suspicious of his true intentions, igniting a deadly war between former best friends.

King of the rackets

While not terrible, a fascinating story is hampered by a dull script, clumsy editing and multiple scenes outstaying their welcome.

As Genovese and Costello weren't twins, placing De Niro in a dual role makes absolutely no sense.

After all, this isn't Legend (2015).

Rather than de-aging cinema legend (a la The Irishman), prosthetics are applied to Vito and voice is kinda Joe Pesci-esque.

For shiggles, Jack Nicholson's character in The Departed (an English language remake of Infernal Affairs), was Frank Costello, a fictionalised version of Whitey Bulger, who Johnny Depp portrayed in Black Mass.

De Niro arguing with himself in a handful of scenes was fun, and there's a nice take on the famous restaurant scene in Michael Mann's Heat.

As an interesting quirk, the film's cinematographer is Dante Spinotti.

Would this have been a classic if genre godfather Martin Scorsese was at the helm?

We'll never know.

The Madness of Double Dragon

Strap yourself in for a ride with the Lee brothers like no other.

Atari 2600/7800 vs The Warriors (1979)

Or something to that effect.

Home computer art was widely recycled across various platforms.

Now let's look at other ports in more detail.

Famicom/NES (1988)

Billy becomes Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star.

To get around the omission of simultaneous play, plot is altered to make Jimmy the Shadow Boss and leader of the Black Warriors.

Game Boy (1990)

Japanese box art

Although looking and sounding like NES game, stages are completely different and we can only play as Jimmy via a Game Link cable.

Sega Mark III/Master System (1988)

Rick Astley appears on a poster for the BBC of all things.

Holy shit - I've just been rickrolled.

Europe

From the back.

"Using the ancient oritental martial art of Kenpo, fight your way through a city controlled by ruthless gangs of thugs. Keep your guard up as you as you battle to save your sweetheart and restore the streets to law and order."

First of all, it's Kenpō, there is only one gang, Marian is relegated to just sweetheart (girlfriend of whoever) and considering Billy and Jimmy aren't the police, how can they can restore law and order?

North America

"In a city destroyed by war and crime, you count on each other to survive. You are Billy and Jimmy Lee, the twins they call the Spike and the Hammer. When it comes to martial arts, you're both street lethal. Leaping kicks. Knee smashes. Judo throws. You are the masters. Now get ready for your biggest battle of all. The Black Warriors, meanest gang in the city, has kidnapped Jimmy's girlfriend Mary Ann. She's the bait they're using to lure you onto their turf. You're going to get her back... and take care of the Black Warriors' gang once and for all!

It's going to take every fighting skill you have. And if you make it to the headquarters of the Black Warriors, you'll face the greatest surprise of all, the leader of the gang!"

War? I guess they meant the gangland kind.  According to the famous arcade flyer, Jimmy is Spike and Billy is Hammer.

But the strangest change is Marian becoming Mary Ann, now Jimmy's other half.

Finally, there is no surprise, as end boss is still Willy.

Manual

Same kinda thing, but claims brothers are masters of 'Kenpo' and Kung Fu.

Mary Ann is described as 'your' sweetheart, implying that Marian is a tart.

Game Gear (1992/1993)

North America

As per earlier Game Boy effort, a totally new game.

Back cover

Mess with the best die like the rest.

That's the motto of the Dragon Lords - the meanest, roughest street gang around (who taught Billy and Jimmy everything they know).

For reasons undisclosed, the gang murdered Jimmy, and no mention of Marian.

Manual

During a stroll, a group of the Black Warriors jump Billy and nab his girlfriend Marian and take her to their hideout at the Samurai Mansion.

There you will ultimately battle it out against the Black Samurai for Marian's freedom and your life (totally ignoring Jimmy).

But there's more.

The Black Samurai doesn't pose much of a challenge.

Who is revealed to be Jimmy.

Ending states we have been fighting the evil Dragon Clan and our exploits broke their inner circle.

THREE different stories... in the SAME game?

HA HA HA!

Europe

Game is subbed The Revenge of Billy Lee (but not on title screen).

Back cover

"Billy Lee is as mad as hell. His brother has been captured by the evil Shadow Boss who has filled the streets with his men. Will Billy break the Inner Circle and avenge his brother - or join him?"

Title and blurb makes absolutely no sense.

You can't avenge somebody who has only been captured.

Also, Black Samurai becomes Shadow Boss.

Not that it would right any wrong, but The Rescue of Billy Lee would be a more appropriate subtitle.

More importantly, game is identical to North American counterpart.

Miscellany

Double Dragon (1994)

Goofy live-action adaptation was directed James Yukich, with Scott Wolf and Mark Dacascos portraying Billy and Jimmy Lee respectively.  Stupid plot concerns crime lord and businessman Koga Shuko (Robert Patrick) seeking both pieces of a magical medallion called the Double Dragon.

Despite some decent special effects (for the time) and the T-1000, it was fucking AWFUL.

A year later, Technōs' final game before going out of business was loosely based on said film of same name and initially released for the Neo Geo AES and MVS, and later the Neo Geo CD (which boasted a far superior soundtrack).

It's worth noting this wasn't the first one-on-one fighter in series, as that belonged to golden turd Double Dragon V: The Shadow Falls (1994).

PS1 (1996)

Japan only port by Urban Plant Ltd was technically inferior for the following reasons:

1. Camera zoomed out made sprites smaller.

2. Animation isn't as smooth.

3. Murkier colours.

On the other hand, intro is lengthier (with higher quality FMV), various stills of film are shown during end credits and we get three modes:

Over Drive - overpowered specials and supers.

Normal - self-explanatory.

Tiny 3D - camera rotating at numerous angles is hugely disorientating and made backgrounds and sprites look like cardboard cutouts.

Kudos for trying something different though.

Turning up the geekery, stages (less Eddie and Jimmy's) omit numerous details.

Billy

Signs aren't illuminated.

Dulton

Jet skis don't jump into water. 

Amon

Seagulls don't hover about and cliff walls scrolling at speed don't have tree branches.

Marian

Static on giant monitor screen is frozen, so film stills aren't displayed.

Rebecca

Flames of burning house don't reflect on floor and remnants don't fall from sky.

Burnov

No flame spurts from foreground. 

Abobo

It's impossible to destroy ceiling meaning wrecked train doesn't fall into sewer.

Duke

Destructible goddess statues are missing.

Shuko

Somebody nicked suits of armour.

Cheng-Fu

Fewer destructible objects, water doesn't move, a section of audience is missing and time of day doesn't change between rounds.

Phew.

Time for a little fun.

Double Dragon Advance (2003)

Excellent remake incorporates elements from arcade sequels, console versions and adds unique stages.

Cover art pays homage to The Way of the Dragon.

Back cover

Jimmy has feelings for Marian (and Marion).

Okay then.

Back to Bruce Lee.

Billy

At the end of Mission 3, a cropped poster of Game of Death is displayed.

If player picks up nunchucks and stationary, sprite expertly recreates pose in the famous freestyling sequence in Enter the Dragon.

Finally, Mission 5 complete screen with Mibobo smacks of Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver.

Mohawk and finger guns are rather similar, yes?

Join me next time for more.

Death of a Unicorn - The scoop and digest

Creature feature is written and directed by Alex Scharfman.

Paul Rudd - Elliot Kintner

Jenna Ortega - Ridley Kintner

Will Poulter - Shepard Leopold

Téa Leoni - Belinda Leopold

Richard E. Grant - Odell Leopold

Anthony Carrigan - Griff

Summary

En route to his billionaire boss's luxury estate, Elliot Kintner hits a unicorn foal.  When his daughter Ridley grabs its glowing horn, she has a cosmic vision, but the experience abruptly ends when Elliot batters animal to death with a tire iron.

After wiping her face with a towel, the unicorn's blood rids Ridley's acne.  During which, infant comes back to life, but is shot dead by Odell's assistant.

Eventually, the unicorn's parents go on a murderous rampage.

The Seven Tapestries

Poorly constructed and boring as hell, what should've been fun is anything but.

Nothing happens for over 50 minutes and CG is atrocious.

Scraping the barrel, Poulter and Ortega are watchable.

To other matters.

Kintner, as in Alex from Jaws?

Probably.

When Odell and co start decide to hunt one of the unicorns, we briefly witness a shitty version of Aliens (complete with a cheap motion tracker).

Unicorns stalk human prey inside Odell's mansion, copying the Indoraptor at the Lockwood estate in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, which bizarrely ripped off Carnosaur 2.

Towards the end, a unicorn growling near Ridley's face recreates the iconic sequence in Alien³.

Wait a minute, Ridley is damn close to Ripley and Ridley Scott directed Alien.

I see what they did there.

A Working Man - The scoop and digest

David Ayer's latest project (ntbcw similarly titled 2019 film Working Man) is co-written by Sylvester Stallone and based on Levon's Trade, the first in Chuck Dixon's book series, and also takes a chunk of trafficking from Levon's Run.

Jason Statham - Levon Cade

David Harbour - Gunny Lefferty

Michael Peña - Joe Garcia

Jason Flemyng - Wolo Kolisnyk

Arianna Rivas - Jenny Garcia

Richard Heap - Dr. Roth

Isla Gie - Merry Cade

Summary

Former Royal Marine Levon Cade works as a foreman on a construction site and sees his boss Joe Garcia as almost family.

When Joe's daughter Jenny is kidnapped at a bar by Russian human traffickers, Levon agrees to bring Jenny home, by any means necessary.

Kill this demon

Taken meets Commando is as generic as they come, but tailor-made for the Stath.

One-man army (who occasionally buys drugs), biffs and shoots his way through enemies with a minimum of fuss, making the whole thing rather tedious.

Jesus Christ, there isn't even an end boss.

In the book, Jenna (as she's called), died by choking on her own vomit after Dimi drugged her.

Dark stuff.

But here, she's rescued by Levon before ass can be sold to a rich client.

But the most bizarre subplot unfortunately omitted is hitmen kidnapping Roth and his wife looking for Levon, with the latter quickly executed.  To save his own skin, Roth makes a deal with the devil, supplying the Russians with cheap medications and eventually becoming a private doctor to the gang.

Err, what the fuck?

Shiver Me Timbers - The scoop and digest

The third horror in so many months exploiting E. C. Segar's Popeye is written and directed by Paul Stephen Mann (in his directorial debut).

Amy Mackie - Olive Oyl

Niamh Parrington - Cylinda Oyl

Brendan Nelson - Castor Oyl

David Hallows - Old Man Popeye

Paul Dewdney - Homeless George

Anthony Greer - Monster Popeye

The following film is based on real people, real events, and real murders. The story depicts actual murders that occurred and is intended to provide a realistic portrayal of these incidents.

Summary

April 12th 1986.

In Northern California, a mother and daughter discover human remains.

24 hours earlier.

Olive, Cylinda, Castor and other friends arrive at a camp site for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of witnessing Halley's comet.

After they ignore the warnings from a vagrant to get the fuck out of dodge, a tiny meteor fragment lands inside an old sailor's pipe, transforming geezer into an unstoppable killing machine.

The comet is evil

Ahead of Popeye obliterating the head of his first victim with one punch, he exclaims "Well blow me down!"

That sets the standard for absolute BOLLOCKS, and not in a 'so bad it's good' way.

Script, acting and kills are embarrassing, but top tier CG saves the day.

(Frowns).

At least climax is game for a laugh.

Aliens (1986)

Just before Popeye is about to murder Cylinda, Ollie, armed with a giant handheld circular saw, exclaims "Get away from her you PRICK!"

'Ripley' apparently kills antagonist by slicing open his belly and villain says: "I just can't take it no more!"

Pretty funny really, considering actual catchphrase is: "That's all I can stands, an I can't stands n'more!"

Evil Dead II (1987)

A few weeks later, a radio broadcast reports more murders, suggesting that Popeye survived.

Having just applied the finishing touches to her robotic hand, Ollie turns to the camera, raises her eyebrows and states: "Groovy!"

HA HA HA HA!

Novocaine (2025) - The scoop and digest

Dan Berk and Robert Olsen's action comedy is written by Lars Jacobson and unrelated to 2001 film of same name, or Eels song Novocaine for the Soul.

(Ahem).

Jack Quaid - Nathan "Novocaine" Caine

Amber Midthunder - Sherry

Ray Nicholson - Simon

Jacob Batalon - Roscoe Dixon

Conrad Kemp - Andre

Evan Hengst - Ben

Summary

Socially awkward Nathan Caine works as an assistant manager for a trust credit union in San Diego and has congential insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis (CIPA).

On Christmas Eve, three men dressed as Santa rob the credit union and their leader Simon takes Nate's love interest Sherry hostage.

After impulsively stealing a cop car, Nate gives chase and uses genetic disorder to his advantage.

Survive & thrive

Considering the central concept is basically Kick-Ass, search and rescue mission should have been a lot more fun than what it actually is.

As a side note, there's also an Indian film called Mard Ko Dard Nahi Hota (The Man Who Feels No Pain), whose main character has the same condition and embarks on a revenge mission.

Anyway.

Sherry is Simon's sister and was in on heist from the beginning, but developed genuine feelings for Nate.

There's some nice choreography and bloody violence, but tone is consistently all over the place and can't make up its mind if we're supposed to laugh or cringe.

Case in point is Andre pulling off Nate's fingernails with a pair of pliers.  During which, Nate feigns injury waiting for online gamer Roscoe to arrive.

The main problem is that Nate isn't The Terminator or a fucking superhero, so I'm certain a normal human being (no matter how tough) would die from the amount of punishment he sustains.

Some things of note.

Kickboxer (1989)

While fighting tattooist Zeno, the ground gets covered in glass which Nate repeatedly punches to embed fragments into fists.

Kurt and Tong Po fight the "ancient way", wrapping their hands in hemp rope, which are then coated with resin and finally dipped into broken glass.

Sequence was famously parodied in Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993).

Mortal Kombat 1 (2023)

Nate breaking his arm and using exposed bone to kill Simon is extremely similar to Havik's RAD-ius Incision fatality.