Sharing unknown romance and film telephone calls. Ud 02/06/13

Let me give you all a brief history of this feature.  I have had this idea for a long time but was struggling in regards to application, hence why it has not appeared sooner.

Please spare a few or preferably several moments as you may enjoy yourself...

Did you hear the one about the fish, an insect and a reptile?  No?  Neither did I.

Anyway, they each swam, flew and slithered to the computer dating agency looking for love.  The amphibian serving them punched their details into the computer and unfortunately brought up no acceptable matches.

This lovely piece of fluff signed up moments later...

I bet our reptile would love to sink his fangs into her...

Those engaged in Mortal Kombat will have at some point defeated these four-armed fiends.

Goro

Kintaro

I am in doubt that these half-human, half-dragons are wondering how to chat up and seduce Sheeva.

She is the ultimate example as why women can multi-task.

Alf

Ranx

Judging by their snouts, they both must salivate at the prospect of rolling around in the mud with a bacon sandwich more famous than Babe.

This attack is more toothless than a chicken's trap.  I guess that they must suffer from Odontophobia. 

Meet Debilitas from Capcom's Haunting Ground.  It's best described as 'Resident Evil with a dog, mixed with Clock Tower'.  Whatever, it's mostly boring rather than absorbing.

In the outback, you don't need a gun, when you've got a Donk.

This is Pluto, as seen in the 2006 remake of Wes Craven's 1977 original, The Hills Have Eyes.

Only the affection of Sloth would make their lives complete.

This is some dude with several problems in 2008 horror, Insanitarium. 

Russell Crowe portrayed the lead skinhead in Romper Stomper.  Although out of view, he is attempting to murder his best mate Davey.  His psychotic expression would spark uncontrollable desire from the above.

An uninspiring Vampire horror.

Nope, this isn't fangtastic either.

With so much at stake, vampires should make love and not war.

I saved the best until last.

My, what big teeth you have...  

Here's Amy in the original Fright Night.  Hey darling, I would kill for a tongue wrestle and make it best out of three.

C'mon, somebody should surely give them a shove into each other's arms.

In another world, it would make for a fantastic rom-com.

It's time for cutting to the chat.

Each conversation will be treated separately and be held by no more than two participants.

Jodie, it's Julianne.  Tell me something, why did I agree to star in this ill-advised sequel that is even more disappointing than Prometheus? 

How the fuck should I know?  I bet it really hurts that I was picked to star in the show-stopping original.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make Crawford's tea and do the ironing.  

Gary, how many guests do you want me to bring to this little soiree?

EVERYONE!!!!!

Hi, I would like to make a complaint due to lack of action in regards to a cracked window pane (again). 

Yeah, well tell somebody who gives a shit.  The complaints department is held by an organisation because of a legal obligation and are as much use as a horny male panda.  No offence, but you really need to get yourself laid.  HEY, quit looking over there and listen to me you ignorant bitch.

Sheriff to base, come in please?  Sorry, I can't hear you because of this music.  Can you say again, over?

(Slaver), (Drool), (Dribble) and (Slobber).  HELLO? HELLO?  Can you hear me now you cloth eared bint?

GIVE ME BACK MY SON!

Look moron, this is getting very boring now.  For the last time, I haven't got your fucking son, I've never seen him before and probably never will so please get that it into your thick skull you gormless erection.

Now then my old mucker, it's 'F.'riendly 'F.'ucker.  From me to you, you're an asshole and you'll always be Zangief's bitch.  As for Guy and Cody, I'll take those pricks on right here, right now, any place, any time, on any CRT.  D.D Crew rules and Mad Gear drools so in your face bitch.  What's the matter Mike, scared?  I know you're there, I can hear you breathing.

Is this a joke?  Oh of course it is, the joke's you mate.  Frankly, I find an impotent bull with no horns more intimidating.  Sticks and stones baby, sticks and stones.
F.F. (Where'd you get this shit?)  From a book, do you ever read?  I suppose it's not common practice for ignorant fucks to digest literature.
Mr 'F.'ucker was never heard from again.
Guy and Cody were unavailable for comment

Mr Mayor?  Oh thank God.  Listen, I know you're knee deep in shit at the moment but can you turn on your television and check the reception?  I hope I'm not going nuts but all I can see is Michael Keaton.

Shit Neve, you're right.  Don't worry, I'll file a complaint. 

Hello Clint, ooh you are a naughty boy.  Mmmm, I'm wearing a jumper, granny panties and watching Neighbours.  I know you're just about 'there' but to further polish your stick, nothing spreads like fear.

These hard core sex lines smell worse than the countryside.  You even managed to screw up the final sentence as everybody knows that nothing spreads like 'butter'.

Rog, I've got a red hot tip.  Riggs isn't trying to draw a psycho pension, he really is crazy!

Thank you Doctor, you've been very, very helpful.  I'm too old for this dung.  No, that's not right, it's 'shit' (yes, I can feel one coming).  Ah thank you bowel control, you've just reminded me of my correct line.  Damn it man, we don't have them in 1987.  Fifty years old, partner's got a death wish, fucking life is over.  I was driving before you were itching your Daddy's pants.  Son of a bitch!  Great, that's another one.

Hey slut, what's up?  Hurry it up girl because I'm due a nightmare.

Well quite a lot really.  Jason Vorhees wasn't the original killer in Friday the 13th and apparently, it's a common misconception in horror folklore...

Marvin? Marvin?  This is Marty!  Listen, you don't know me because the Libyans haven't turned up yet and shot the Doc in 1985.  What's more, I'm your stand-in guitarist who will play Johnny B Goode at The Enchantment Under the Sea Dance because you accidentally sliced your hand unlocking the trunk of a car that Biff's guys threw me in.

Holy shit, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about but it sounds damn saucy and exciting you lucky thing.

I have a stalk and slash situation at unknown o'clock that even predates Halloween.  I know this will be badly remade in 2006 so do I get a prize for predicting the future?

Not really my deary but I will give you some free advice.  Don't get done for tax evasion, let your stomach inflate like a barrage balloon and then star in a string of shitty action films that nobody gives a flying fuck about.  Trust me, it's not cool to be like Steven Seagal.

There's a shadowy figure approaching and I'm sure he's going to stick me with his weapon.  What should I do?  C'mon, give it to me straight.

The same as all the other dumb bitches in the same situation.  Scream like a banshee, run like a flightless fairy flapping your bingo wings and fall over theatrically, blaming incredibly high heels or an uneven surface for the 'inconvenient' trip.  On the other hand, you could be in for a thorough seeing to so every cloud and all that.

Hey, how yer' doing?  Listen, my 'personal' life has taken a nose dive due to the Sergeant Major not standing to attention.  The blue pill isn't cost effective and I hear that you're the geezer who can help out?

Yes that's right, to make your mind move in different directions, I recommend that you watch your wife get humpy and I'll guarantee that the front of your trousers will grow lumpy.

Oh goody, I can't wait for this.  All I have to do is Dial M for Mulder.  As a bonus, I wonder if Scully has recovered after starring in the terrible unpleasantness of Straightheads?

M is for murder you idiot, now unless you want the 'M' word to become a reality, you know what needs to be done...

Michael, even after reaching Pacific Heights, wearing a cape and creating Multiplicity, your birth name must still suck harder than a Dyson.

Yeah well, at least I had the opportunity to go shoplifting with Winona Ryder in 2001, the unofficial Space Odyssey...

Hey Janelle I’m scared.  I can hear Wolfie barking in the background, is the worthless piece of shit okay?  Also, what’s for tea?  I fancy a succulent stake with chunky chips and a side order of Amy. 

Fuck you, yer’ little dip shit.  Oh sorry, that’s the message that ‘Max’ left should you call.  Anyway, he’s just fine and dandy, bubbling with lemonade shandy.  That unhealthy obsession with Peter Vincent has made your diet distinctly wooden but my fabulous beef stew should rectify matters...  Oh, I’m up for heisting the Galleria because I can’t get enough of Missile Command and After Burner.

Uncle Frank?  You want it? Fucking have it!  I love you Daddy.  Oh whatever, go to hell.  I don’t know Gorman, you’re the fucking expert.  It was Julia, that bitch.  She brought me men, to make me stronger, so she could have me again.  When I think, I hurt, okay. Special Brew and Lambrini, come to Mummy and we can discuss my largely anonymous biography...  

Look I don’t have time for kinky phone sex right now because I’m going home.  Clear a path you motherfucker!  Clear a path!  I’M GOING HOME!  On the way, my second, third and fourth priorities are to acquire a gym bag full of guns, eat a sorry, miserable squashed thing and complete the only scene in under construction.

What’s the procedure for terrifying a bus load of kids?  Damn my grey matter, as it never functions correctly without a ski mask.  How can the delivery of such an incredible performance ruin one’s career?  Irony is a dirty whore and deserves to be spanked until her bottom turns a darker shade of purple.

Try row, row, row yer’ boat gently down the stream.  Shit! I can’t slither my ass down to the pet shop first thing Monday with this ceased to be reptile because I’ve just noticed that the sly bastards sold me a Norwegian Blue...  Of your other problem, I wholeheartedly sympathise but at least you scored a role in one of the few Clive Barker adaptations worth watching...

Try and Stay Cool when I tell you this but I couldn't get hold of any of the dolls you requested.  At first they refused to help but after bribing them with every catchphrase I could muster, they exhausted each and every store from here to New Jersey but no string could be pulled, no cigar can be smoked and no party streamer could be popped.  I mean if you can't rely on a reputable powerhouse like Toys R Us to stock Erotic Erica, Seductive Samantha, Passionate Pam, Teasing Tanya, Grateful Gertrude or Degenerate Debbie, who can you turn to?

Yeah, who indeed?  DIDN'T YOUR TINY BRAIN EVER THINK WHY?  Okay, I'll spell it out just in case it still hasn't become obvious.  YOUR SORRY ASS DIDN'T SHOP AT PULSE & COCKTAILS YOU FUCKING IDIOT.  God I hate you and I can’t even mend the punctures to Bouncy Brenda or Naughty Natalie as I’m shit out of kit.  You are now being held personally responsible for forcing me to reflect on some asshole’s depraved ‘Battlefield Earth’ delight.  By the way, it’s Be Cool and you're fired as my errand boy.

This is The Collection speaking.  I reckon that the title for this sequel is even more ridiculous than the bullshit excuse they gave for continuing Halloween after the chemical symbol of H20.  I’m now gorging on kebabs, chocolate and carbonated fizz because if the perks of being a wallflower lead to this, I’m sure the positives outweigh the negatives.

1974 - a year that also saw the release of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Black Christmas and The Godfather: Part II.  Unfortunately, Beehive: Cutting it Short was scrapped quicker than a broken down Cadillac due to production setbacks and financial inadequacies.  Therefore, my heart is struggling to bleed for a stupid bitch beamed down from the Planet Whorehouse as doing it ‘standing up’ with the Wrecking Crewe is my unwanted legacy.

He was not on the plane, kill her (and me), before I’m not forced to let off some steam.  Don’t shoot me between the eyes; make sure it’s between the balls as I want my death to be misunderstood and not contrived.

Huh?  What?  I Am Legend, Sonny, floating butterflies and stinging bees?  They haunt me more than a persistent poltergeist and I wish they’d leave me the fuck alone.  Anyway, I’m too busy not releasing Bad Boys 3 which has been delayed due to communication clashes and personality issues with Martin Lawrence.  You don’t know what it’s like working with a two-bit nothing who’s more irritating than the asshole engine that is Chris Tucker.  Aside from that, ruling a country like Val Verde isn't for me because I don’t have an understanding of discipline.

I know you're disappointed but you can now hang up.

"The other person has cleared... beep beep beep."