Video Games Lost in Translation - Bloomer

Ladies and gentleman, this is the time to rev those engines again.  Before you start thinking that this is typecal situation, you wrong are.

Begin to embrace whatever you cannot hope to understood and what some person may belong.

As you explor much what you appreciate, take time to for Ghouls at conclucion.

Took in and enjoy, the water is definately tasty and nutritious.

Cobra Command - Arcade

Succeed in your tactics!  I say, succeed in the tactics in what your commander brings. 

Baby, leave a little consonant for me.

Nemesis 2 - MSX  Star Figter?  N322 Starfigter?  Yeah, figter only becomes a word when you're smoking something interesting.

Air Busters - Mega Drive  Congraturations!  (If you spotted the mistake).  

Aliens - MSX2  Apart from the other nonsense, Ripley changed her name by deed poll to 'Repley'.  Not bad for a human.

Art of Fighting 2 - Arcade  Mickey, your oppatunity is heah!  Mickey, don't do it, he's a blood suckling, dictionary allergic vampire.

Aqua Jack - Arcade  This Directer deserves unemployment...

Atomic Robokid - Arcade  First of all, meet Gero Gero 11.  What kind of name is that and the poor bastard looks like an off colour Pac Man on heroine.  Apart from 'staring' at many sprites, look at the appalling choice of font as this in itself leads to a few unnecessary mistakes.  The 'E' which looks more like a '6' means we have to spell Denger.  What's even stranger is that the larger text of Gero Gero II actually has a proper 'E' and the spacing is also correct.  What the fuck?

Atomic Runner Chelnov - Arcade

A disaster 'has' occuered?  Who you gonna call?  CHELNOV!  If there's something strange, in yer' CRT, who you gonna call?  CHELNOV!

The invincible warrier better learn to spell but shit, even that notion is too late as he becomes...

...the coal minter.  I guess he got bored of the miner tag.  Ha ha!

Beyond the Forbidden Forest - C64  Apart from the weirdest question mark ever, I prefer to cower in obedience...

DonPachi - Arcade  This smacks of Atic Atac, only Ultimate did that on purpose... 

Now for the sequel.

DoDonPachi - Arcade

As long as only towuns were burned to ashes, that's cooler than ice.

As arms and rase are not hyphenated, another fuck up.  Hang on a minute, rase?

Download - PC Engine  This is probably the only video game title that you wouldn't believe could be true but...  Possessing a probiematic personality means he will at some point become armed and extremely dangerous.

Earth Joker - Arcade

This is guilty of a brilliant mistake...

What a depressing way to sum up events.  The struggle is grim, but there is hope.  No mate, there fucking isn't, not with a squardon on route.

I don't take American English into account so apart from the oddness of Visco Games and Visco Corporation, this is fine but suddenly...

...the assholes decide to spell 'Defense' in a way that is only correct in their fucked up language.  How can this happen?  Anyway, at least consistency was maintained with 'squardron'.  

Espial - Arcade  Thanks, I think I will ( give up ), (on life).

Fatal Fury 3: Road to the Final Victory - Arcade  Oh, take you job!  I'm off to the
Yes Mary, I'm still waiting for you to tell us...

Forgotten Worlds - Arcade  Yeah?  Well you are not welcome.

Lessons were not learnt for the port on a criminally overlooked home console...

Forgotten Worlds - PC Engine

Gain Ground - Arcade

Hurry, Alert! Alert! A mulfunction has been found in the system.  Am I the only one who is contacting a psychiatrist instead of a IT engineer?

Fuck the shrink, I'm already temporally shutdown.

Gallop: Armed Police Unit - Arcade  It's definitely an assiginment that I'll never forget.  Hey Captain, I want this beauty framed.

Gang Busters - Arcade  Who's their dealer?  I want what they're having...

Goindol - Arcade  As I fighted very well, surely I don't deserve this bullshit?  Oh well.

Hard Head - Arcade

Where drugs? Snort, snort = stoned.

There's an explanation to how you fighted very well but due to insufficient data, I don't have it.

Ikari Warriors - Arcade  I now offer my congraturations to SNK for multiple mistakes and they can't be rescured.  What the shit is good luck & good hunting supposed to infer?  Hang on a second or even a minute, I don't want to even imagine

Image Fight - PC Engine  When my computer begins contonlling my system and deranged it, I will happily cart myself to a padded cell.

Insector X - Arcade  Figter has returned, apparently recoverd and we never forget your activities.

For fucked up shit, how about this in the Mega Drive version?

This was given a more realistic look and for some reason, the hero was given a brand new name.  Why?  The usual reason is down to controversy but if this is true, I fail to see how Yanmer is offensive.

Isolated Warrior - NES  If only 'an' was there, this wouldn't be here. 

Kabuki Klash: Far East of Eden - Arcade  Space bar baby?

The Last Blade - Arcade

Okay, the blue dradon is not washing my dirty laundry.

It doesn't make it better but at least SNK corrected their own mistake.

O, merciful heaves, let me heave into a nearby bucket.

Okina, please help Kaede with his spelling.

Q. What is Moriya on about here, does he want to hump a punk?  A. Inconclusive.

LED Storm - Arcade

I am 'vary glad' that I didn't conceive this.  What the hell is this shit?  WHY IS THE TEXT IN CAPS APART FROM bye?

Legendary Wings - Arcade  Hurry back, my sanity is a little ways off from returning.

Lethal Thunder - Arcade

It was doing so well until the Earth got sorrounded by some inconsiderate alien starship.

Have you ever heard of global video game powerhouse Nintend of America Inc?  If you have, please take a shower in liquid oxygen...

Lucifer's Realm - Apple II

Well this is definitely errie.

Please let this game dissappear in flames.

Martial Champion - Arcade  I'm sure that the mistake made in pixels, continues to be made in reality.

Masked Riders - Arcade  Not much to say really...

Master of Weapon - Arcade  Programed by Creamy Tetsu?  Er, okay.

Metamorphic Force - Arcade  This was pretty good, nowever...

Mighty Warriors - Arcade  I love relax in my oun oasis and call me crazy, but I prefer to relax in my own oasis.

Myth - Spectrum  Nothing could prapare you for this goof...

Night Striker - Mega CD  I'm condemning this for word exclusion...  Regardless of that, it's total drool. 

Rayxanber III - PC Engine  They must've got tips off Blue Mary as we'll never know what Zoul Empire has completely destroyed [insert guess here].

The Tower of Duraga - Arcade  I never tire of congraturations but amusement creater is a whole new beast.  Weird and wrong, crazy and cracked.

The Return of Ishtar - Arcade  

Yes, the word 'creater' was never researched after the former game...

R-Type - PC Engine  If you byde one's time, maybe the Bydo empire will be brought back...  Well, we can only hope.

S.A.R - Arcade  Did you hear about the investigation that unconvered a wrecked ship?  Well you might, after waking up after an extreme drinking session with pink elephants.

SDI - Arcade  What did they have against L?  Well, obviously an awful lot.

Space Harrier - PC Engine  Many stories have an epilogue, meet the game changer.

Shadow of the Ninja - NES  This explains why this Govermment couldn't run a piss up in a well stocked brewery. 

Sidearms - Arcade  Eventually, all dictionaries will be rewritten to reflect this wonderful variation of bollocks.

Steel Force - Arcade

When did anybody describe a federation (or any type of company) as a person?

Ah, trading is pacefully made. 

This objetive was bad enough but when a game spells its own title wrong, you know it's in deep shit.  

Thunder Cross - Arcade  I'm afraid this error cannot be aferted.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Arcade  The other day, I handed a random geezer a note asking where I could find Shredder and the nearest Electorics store but instead of a verbal reply, I suffered physical abuse.  I've no idea why but I point the finger of blame at Konami.

T.A.N.K - Arcade  Congraturation (again).  'Tank You' is either a great piece of SNK Engrish or a corny joke.  We'll never know...

Turrican - C64  Some of us will win, some of us will lose.  Oops, that's right.

Victory Road - Arcade  Here we have the sequel to Ikari Warriors and like a disease, fighted well has spread.

W-Ring: The Double Rings - PC Engine  This demonstrates a truly remarkable mistake.

XX Mission - Arcade  Let's take a moment to inhale such toxic fumes and then exhale bewilderment as WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?

We now consider a frustration filled classic.

Please look carefully at this title screen.  Okay, you have... oh dear, your time's up.
I'll quote this shit in direct speech with All right reseved.
You'd be forgiven for thinking that such a mistake couldn't and shouldn't happen on a title screen.  Bang goes that bullshit theory.

As we're still with the arcade, you'd think that progres would be rapid, but sadly not.  Anyway, this is the nightmarish screen that is presented to the player when he/she thinks that they've beaten the game.

NES - Let me read this correctly.  A trap devisvt by Satan and shit, we still haven't made rapid progres.  Errors are made for amusement and is beyond parental guidance

Amiga - This effort was practically arcade perfect.

Amstrad CPC - Ghosts 'n' Goblins vs Ghosts'n Goblins?  Hmmm, nice one Elite.

Amiga - (After the second time around).  Isn't it amusing that those responsible actually bothered to correct the Engrish that existed in the original arcade but where the fuck is the Princess?  Arthur is obviously celebrating because he's in the wrong castle.  Oh well mate, help yourself to drinks and sharpen your lance.

Just for fun, here's the logo for Ultimate Ghosts 'n Goblins which was released in 2006 for the incredible failure that was the PSP.

Look at this and scroll up to the 1985 arcade screen.  Thank you.
Yep, the apostrophe has swapped positions which now makes this an inverted comma.
BBC Three have a programme called Great Movie Mistakes, hosted by Robert Webb of comedy duo, Mitchell and Webb.
Great Video Game Mistakes doesn't exist but with my input, I'd love to somehow make it happen as this and Engrish are just the tip of the iceberg...

Well, that would be great but for now, don't remove your armour as it's time for all types of Ghouls 'n Ghosts.

Like the original, the sequel was spat out on numerous home computers and consoles alike, and while the overall quality naturally varies from system to system, let me take you on a journey that's crazier than a shithouse rat.

As I'm so good to you all, I'll feature port exploration, strange shit and of course, literary mistakes.

For the purposes of my adventure, I'm not including occurrences which repeat on other systems...

Title screen(s).

Arcade

Mega Drive

Master System

For whatever reason, Capcom thought it would be cool in this conversion to include a shop that allows you to buy armour, shoes and status that allows rapid progres.  

Was this addition more pointless than Nokia's N-Gage?  Probably, yes and definitely. 

PC Engine

Yeah, Daimakaimura doesn't really roll off the tongue...

I know you really care and know but just in case, Altered Beast can also be known as Juuouki.

SNES  A superb, albeit infuriating remake of the original.

Sharp X68000 

While the Mega Drive and PC Engine kicked ass, the above port is rumoured to be the dog's hairy bits...

So nothing particularly kooky there, just a bunch of start up screens but before we move to the home computer ports, here's a Ghouls you may or may not know about.

The main draw of this Japanese only effort was not only its obscurity, but also the examples of unique boss threat.

Ghost Fortress

Nightmare

Rangda

Meet the Devil Emperor Azazel, who also happens to be the end baddie.

Game Boy Advance

Okay, this can only be described as a late and unnecessary entry by Capcom as it's basically a rehash of the SNES remake.  However, the intriguing Arrange Mode sold it for me as it featured a branching path system which depending on your amour, granted access to unseen stages and bosses.

Although this sounds great in theory, it really wasn't in practice, as this rubbish boss example proves.

Discounting the Amiga and Atari ST, the following home computer conversions state something on their respective screens that doesn't make any sense...

Amstrad CPC

C64

Spectrum

Irem Corp?  As in Irem 'R-Type' Corp?  I'd love to know where they got this shit from as neither game was nothing to do with Irem.

Aside from that unfortunate business, I can delve even further as look at how the title is spelt on each format.

Amstrad CPC - Ghouls 'n Ghosts
C64 - Ghouls'n'Ghosts
Spectrum - Ghouls n' Ghosts
Arcade and others - Ghouls'n Ghosts

Ha ha ha!

By the way, Tim Follin, you are indeed a genius my friend... 

Some versions don't present a key upon the defeat of a boss.  Here are some that don't require the use of Jill Valentine's lockpick.

Arcade

Mega Drive

C64

What is it with these console conversions?  Why are they obsessed with changing the positioning of punctuation?  Take a key for coming in! vs Have a key to come in!!  While neither are great, the former encourages more of a confused frown.

Ghouls is infinitely more infamous than Goblins as in order for Arthur to give Prin Prin a long overdue snog, you have to clear the game twice.  I've always wondered what Capcom were smoking when they dreamed up her name.

This is the prelude before the storm.

Arcade

I am glad that I'm able to spell albe.  Aww Capcom, you could've put the b and e in front of the l and then we'd have a Street Fighter IV char...

A woman who is confident that her man will succeed.  That's how it should be and is what I like to hear with my little ear.

Master System

Some versions replace Lucifer with Loki.

No, I'll don the weakest armour and carry the most useless weapons, (stupid woman).  I don't want to open a treasure chest as I prefer the magic box and the Goddess should appear, as that would be magic.
Hmmm, why does the former display goddess of battle and the latter with Goddess of Battle? Consistency is obviously dangerous.

SNES

So you've battled through one of your worst nightmare in pixels and this is apparently your reward.  We have various variations that vary depending on what pixels tickles your tootsies.

Arcade

Amidst the obvious love and helium hearts, congraturation is begrudgingly accepted.

I want to party with the Ghouts as a delicious spread and alcohol is always held in high regard.  As for the Ghosts, they're a right set of miserable bastards. 

The marvellous explanation continues...  Blah blah, la la and fill my jar.  This is more badly written than an episode of Coronation Street.
Hold those rampant horses because apart from the curious bold, spacial and capital letter usage, this shit gets even better as befor, obtaihed, batlle and defeater confidently confirm further fuck ups.

If you or I are ever caplured, be thankful, as you or I got off lightly.  The Princess of Hus and the earth has been restored to it's (its) peaceful self.  Is Arthur's spelling battle truely over?  No, it's never over and in fact, it's just the beginning.

Mega Drive

Matters are unfortunately improved as we have to suffer the Ghosts, but decrease my vitality, this is not without errors.

Arthur has finally defeated Loki, warrior the strongest in the world.  I don't know why he bothered as the Ghouls'n Ghosts' world migth be restored someday.

I regret that in order to defeat Loki,  I obtained the Psycho Cannon form Valkyr (who replaced ST. Michael).  So mistakes are corrected and replaced with new ones?  That deserves a flying head smash, topped off with a sonic hammer drill.

Amiga - Excuse me a minute but just supposing I don't want a harder challenge and of this new weapon, thanks for not lending it to me earlier, as yer' know, I might have needed it while saving your punk ass.  Also, you can stick that weapon right up your love tunnel as there's a pint waiting for me at my local.

Amstrad CPC - (Fist pump) Yeah baby, Prin Prin is back and feeling blue.  Dream a lot and dream of me.

C64 - We forget 'n' and the purple paragraph makes me smile as surely this should be something like:
Arthur, Software Creations and all us at US Gold say a big hello to you.

Master System - Although I don't particularly like this, it's the only ending that flirts with sense.

Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts - SNES

Finally, the Wonderswan signs off.