Demon’s Crest, Capcom 1994
This was the third and final game in a spin-off series based on
the exploits of one the most irritating enemy sprites in video game history.
The Red Arremer
(or Firebrand) is his name and pissing you off is his game.
Pushing the
patience of the proverbial saint and comparable to the medusa heads in
Castlevania, gives you some idea of how easily blood can be brought to the
boil.
Still, Ghosts ‘n Goblins
and beyond wouldn't be the same without him…
Gargoyle’s
Quest began on Game Boy in 1990 and the sequel swooped onto NES in 1992.
The NES game was
also re-released in Japan
Combining RPG with classic scrolling action proved to be a rather decent idea.
The original was
unofficially subbed Ghosts ‘n Goblins and the next was The Demon Darkness.
Townsfolk of the
Ghoul Realm referred to the legend of Red Blaze which our man is destined to
become.
So a complete lack
of consistency exists because calling this Gargoyle’s Quest III: Demon’s Crest
would have obviously made too much sense…
The demonic deal
is that our geezer is on a mission to acquire the elemental crests of fire,
earth, water, time and air.
He also needs the Crest of Heaven (held by Somulo) for the Crest of Infinity to appear.
It is said this
will grant unimaginable power, allowing the bearer to rule both the human and
demon world.
Although
critically injured, he manages to defeat the Demon Dragon but fellow fly boy
Phalanx spots a moment of weakness and takes his opportunity.
After getting his
shit together and possessing a scrap of fire, his quest to reclaim crests
begins.
I say ‘scrap’
because the fire crest was broke into several pieces.
Right, the iron is
nicely warmed so let’s strike before it cools.
The sprite is
recycled from Super Ghouls but abilities have expanded more than
rice.
He shoots and
scorches, gets in a flap while also clinging on for life.
Is it more fun
than controlling Arthur? I’d say yes but
he’s not exactly fleet of foot.
Before becoming a
pile of bones for the next dog to feast upon, you can withstand a number of
hits.
His adventure will
bring danger, excitement, intrigue and terror.
Action is attached
to exploration and the need to become different is essential.
To check on what’s
what, curiosity can be perfectly satisfied via the menu screen as crest power,
talisman, spell and potion etc are all there to view and equip.
As you’re taking
out the aggressive, you’ll get rich quick and such wealth is needed to line the
pockets of inhuman shopkeepers.
The wise man owns
‘a shop of spells’ and some dude called Black Lotus flogs all manner of
potions.
Spells attack and
protect, while potions restore health.
Also, magic costs
and requires something called vellum (which can be found by breaking statues)
and potions are stored within urns.
Apart from a curious name, Trio the Pago offers gaming
for demons and if you have the spare cash, it’s worth testing your skill as
head-butting skulls reap extra vitality and money.
The prudent should
seek talismans and are discovered in places slightly less obvious.
Possessing these increases the appearance of money, becoming less
susceptible to enemy attack and adding more beef to firing velocity.
Inevitably, the
McGuffin are crests so let’s ride this wave.
These are divided
into two specific groups – fire and transformation.
Excluding the
first piece of fire (which you get automatically), four more will be taken back.
Crests are got
after defeating a nasty end of level beastie and act as an upgrade to ability.
As progression
becomes more substantial, keen explorers will journey back and forth to
previously conquered areas to achieve the once inaccessible and fight unseen
bosses.
Playing with fire
reaps ‘claw’ and ‘tornado’ as acquiring these pieces permits climbing walls and
jumping to loftier heights.
Transformation renders many talismans useless.
Shedding your
original guise is of pivotal significance as attaining elemental excellence
brings further attributes meaning our little dude can now do what he couldn't
before.
Sing a hymn of
sixpence, a crest full of rye, four and twenty bad boys baked a pie.
Water (Tidal) – for when you like the opposite of dry.
Air (Aerial) –
pack up, let’s fly away.
Earth (Ground) –
statue breaking is so much fun.
Time (Legendary) –
an almighty all round beast.
Okay, okay,
okay.
There’s only one loose end to tie
up and that chat with Phalanx has been delayed long enough…
Your nemesis is a
multi-stage behemoth and courtesy of the Crest of Heaven, he’s one tough son of
a bitch.
After a titanic
struggle, infinity is yours to behold.
However, this is
only the end if you want it to be…
Depending on what
you've done and when Phalanx is faced, a new nightmare awaits.
Bearing in mind,
this battle is only possible when every conceivable treasure is gathered.
So after
restarting the game with the given password, extreme dedication has unlocked
the true final boss.
We learn that the
Crest of Heaven is an amalgamation of all elemental forms and the Ultimate
Gargoyle is born.
A new area on the
overworld map exists so before entering, the following preparation is
encouraged.
Believe in your
ability, swallow a glass of the hard stuff and most of all, good luck.
The Dark Demon
ranks as one of the toughest bosses you could ever hope to shake a demented
stick at.
Even with the
omnipotence of Ultimate, you’ll need to throw more than the kitchen sink to
defeat this fucker.
Whether he’s a
mobile skeleton pillar or a stationary demonic butterfly, both deserve to be
struck with eternal damnation and rot in the filthiest plague pit.
Expect to avoid a
plethora of homing missiles, plasma balls, falling rocks and the infamous blood
waterfall.
Most attacks are
insanely difficult to avoid and misery is poured by the gallon.
This will drive
you to distraction and only the most determined will prevail.
Before moving on,
I am compelled to sum up a devilishly great experience.
Tripping across a
thoroughly fantastic adventure will see a haunted forest, graveyard, inferno,
ruins and ice palace.
Caves and
underwater sections are dripping with deft touches as torches can be forcefully
lit and water wonderfully ripples.
Unsurprisingly,
the metropolis is naturally teeming with monsters including mermen,
spirits, bats, furry maggots, plants, skeletons and denizens.
Those attempting
to halt progress at area’s end are impressively unpleasant.
Visuals drip with delightful melancholy and complemented by audio embracing a pitch black agenda.
Proceedings ebb
and flow with design nothing short of genius.
It’s insane that
this series only reaped modest success and remains one of the most criminally
overlooked brands in pixels.
On a
far grander scale, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night heavily steals.
Why have I
mentioned that specific entry from the multiples available?
Either you know already or failing that, give Alucard's hunt to defeat his father a whirl...
Wolfenstein 3-D, Imagineer 1993
Nintendo’s wonder
machine boasted the first console port of the FPS classic and while the Jaguar
and 3DO efforts were predictably superior, this wasn't scheisse.
If you've never
played the Wolf - where have you been?
Nazis, Nazis, oh,
and more Nazis.
You’d expect the
frame rate and general movement to be treading concrete but considering it
didn’t reap the benefit of Super FX (a la Doom), it’s a pretty smooth affair.
However, it was
blockier than Lego up close.
Alternative mouse
usage was an added bonus and gave it that extra PC authenticity.
In 1992, using the best available maximised
‘window’ size made things chug along nicely.
Nowadays, a PC
from last week is already prehistoric…
The original was
completely uncensored but due to Nintendo’s politics and ethics, you know
what’s coming…
Blood is but a
memory and all Nazi references were completely omitted.
The end boss
packing dual gattling guns was renamed Staatmeister and amusingly, all Hitler
portraits are bolder than brass, but minus the famous moustache.
What I found strange is that mutant rats replaced dogs.
I’m sorry but that’s just stupid as these weren't exactly friendly woof woofs.
Playing the child
friendly version did include the novelty of being able to use a flamethrower
or rocket launcher.
If this was released beyond the Mortal
Kombat II era, logic suggests gore would be present but an air of doubt lingers over the Nazi imagery.
Despite the lack
of horsepower and general butchering, it’s definitely worth a play test even if
it’s just to try out new weaponry.
We all know that
Wolfenstein evolved into Doom and the rest is history, but over a decade
earlier, there was a very different Castle Wolfenstein.
Released for the
Apple II in 1981, (and later in 1983 on C64), it was a revelation.
The little known
Muse insisted on stealth and strategy to progress, rather than all out
bloodshed.
Its success took
us Beyond Castle Wolfenstein in 1984 and the premise was very similar to the
failed 20 July 1944 ‘bomb in the briefcase’ assassination plot masterminded by Claus
von Stauffenberg.
Tom Cruise played
the lead role in the appropriately titled 2008 movie Valkyrie.
So if you didn't
know of nailed on inspiration, you do now.
Chrono Trigger, Square 1995
Terranigma used 32
megs to spectacular effect in 1996 and while this monster counts the same
number, its craft is more stupendous than Quintet/Enix’s effort.
Of course, the
internal battery backs things up as several enforced breaks will be required.
Square burst the
technical seams, found muscle the SNES apparently couldn't flex and
brilliance seeped from every pore.
Crono, whose hair could pick up radio waves, is chosen by guardian spirits to save
the world from principal bad guy Lavos.
Some geezer called
Magus is also out to do more harm than good.
Embark on a
thrilling adventure that will see ripples made through the passage of time and
prevent doomsday from becoming a reality.
Heroes will be
made and legends will be born.
A cinematic intro
sets the scene and all sorts of goodies will make your eyes water.
Menu screens consist of the usual involving level, magic, item, weapon,
armour, accessory and status.
The perspective is
classic and after getting to grips with its system and brief sightseeing, it
all kicks off when a girl becomes a guinea pig for a telepad test and falls
foul when her pendant reacts to time travel.
Up steps the naive
Crono and what has this lad let himself in for?
He is naturally
the top banana but six others are eventually unpeeled when they team up and
become playable.
While you and your
party traverse a twisting and turning rollercoaster, expect to revisit areas
while travelling backwards and forwards through the vortex of a warp field.
Mixing it up with
the enemy is turn based, you know the drill…
After each scrap,
you’ll gain XP, G (cash), tech points and learn interesting tech attacks.
Certain weapons
can only be wielded by specific characters.
Apart from the
usual slashing with whatever implement, combination and status attacks bring
multiple pain to adversaries. Chars also
have access to unique elemental fury such as lightning, fire and water.
As you cut more
than the atmosphere and throw items for more than the good of your health,
effects are spiffing and add a splash of colour to proceedings
Enemies have to be
interacted with to initiate a fight or in certain situations, you don’t have a
choice.
As our intrepid
hero and cohorts ply their trade, the time period dictates those that oppose.
Don’t fall off
your perch or anything but threat is not of your typical variety as monsters,
demons, mutants, robots, beings and dinosaurs all shake hands with wonderment.
We chew the fat,
digest the options and respond as appropriate to many chars of eccentricity and
general nuisance.
Touching wood, the
choices made and the way that you talk don’t have a dramatic effect on
circumstances.
Ah sleep, the
chance to dream.
The average person
needs to recharge at least once a day.
However when it
comes to sprite, this will be done several times, for a menial charge.
On occasion, other
places provide a free service, but throwing in a slap up breakfast is
definitely out…
You can buy/sell
items at several shops and new weapons are always available, for the right
price.
As always, some
places are safer than houses and usually involve talking and chilling.
While taking a
voyage in dangerland, cracking open chests will reap the reward of item or
weapon while pulling switches will also open
up new areas.
Depending on where
you venture, the rather splendid effects of a blizzard, dust storm, birds
flying and clouds passing envelop the situation of a gorgeous overworld map.
Not resting on its
laurels, animated sequences are equally enchanting and are a result of
shenanigans within.
Caves, forests,
ruins, villages, environs of various eras provide the spread on this fantastic
slice of bread.
The story spins
every which way but loose and although ultimately based around Lavos, Magus and
many more, Crono is found guilty by a jury of peers of kidnapping Princess
Nadia.
The legality of
this trial is amusingly brought.
Also, the theme of
which bears a frightening similarity to Pink Floyd’s The Trial and at whatever
point, Robo’s Theme will have you ‘Rick Rolled’.
Your motley crew
can be separated and replaced with a character at your discretion. I’m unsure if this is pertinent to the
situation in hand.
Matters develop
and get tastier than strawberries and cream when stepping into a light pillar
means a gate or portal will take you to past, present or future.
We must venture
back and forth in time to alter occurrences, and events change regularly.
Further to this, a
suitable machine becomes available and involves transcending occasion, opening
a gauge and selecting era.
Periods include
The Middle Ages, The Dark Ages, Apocalypse, Prehistoric and Future.
Bosses wage war
upon the party and battles intensify as progression picks up the pace. These vary from mechanical, biological,
physical and otherworldly menace.
To break up the
heavy dose of exploration, a jet bike section is prescribed.
If baddie Magus
encourages Lavos to awake from his long slumber, all humans will perish.
The story persists
with the burden of intricacy so here’s looking at you kid.
Three Gurus of
Zeal used the Royal’s Red Rock to create super weapon the Mammon Machine.
We guess that’s
why Marle’s pendant reacted so angrily because that was made from the same
substance.
They are professed
to be the three wise men as Melchior (Guru of Life), Gaspar (Guru of Time) and
Belthasar (Guru of Reason) contribute much to significance.
Ayla informs that
the two silly bulls that make up the ultimate bad boy are La (fire) and Vos
(big).
She is probably
referring to translation of what her people call this alien.
Lavos! Who is he?
What is he? Where does he come
from?
The voice of
reason explains.
Aeons ago Lavos
descended from the heavens and burrowed deep into the planet’s core while
consuming energy and growing stronger.
It disappeared when summoned away by a mighty wizard (Magus) and reigns
high at Death Peak.
He continues to
replicate and guzzles resources like a parasitic vampire.
This immortal
entity sleeps deep underground and because the Mammon Machine absorbs energy
and Lavos consumes, it may awaken if within range.
Inconveniently,
magical beings known as The Enlightened Ones are also under Lavos’s control.
Mastering the
concept of time is the only way to overcome this resource sucker.
Within Lavos’s
Ocean Palace, a geezer called Dalton is up for putting up his dukes.
There’s also
supreme monster Giga Gaia, Magus himself to fight and countless other shit to
take care of, including the Mammon Machine.
That pesky machine
needs to be destroyed and the ruby knife seems to be right tool for the job.
Fighting rock with
rock should do the trick.
You get the
impression that all is not going according to plan when Lavos’s shell
devastates all.
Amidst the mayhem,
Magus appears to destroy Lavos along with Queen Zeal and daughter Schala.
Magus fails, your
crew is revived but her highness stays with Lavos.
Making your
escape, a sequence shows the entity destroying the world.
This disaster
brings a dark portal and monsters emerge from it on flying fortress The
Blackbird.
Soon after, Magus
crosses over and his shadow power can be exploited.
Lavos’s haunt
Death Peak finds the power to restore life so the dead must be essential to the
space time continuum.
A Chrono Trigger
is the Guru’s time egg and such a mirror match is created by wizard Nolstein
Bekkler.
This clone is
exchanged for the real Crono at some point soon.
Before facing the
fusion of Fire and Big, you should meet and touch various lifeforms to
reinvigorate.
Right, you've
successfully negotiated an absolute epic but every beginning must have an end.
It has awoken;
Lavos cannot be left to control the universe so grit your teeth, as this climax
is unforgettably superb.
Unshelled, I’d
describe its true form as an armoured humanoid attached by the burden of tendrils
with unparalleled power.
Can the power of
three overcome an energy sucking, monstrous death bringer?
No problem…
Crash, bang,
wallop, the Lavos Core is upon us.
Complete with
‘bits’, a floating celestial body and complemented by a background that warps
the mind, the challenge is minimised.
Those who complete
the feat are rewarded with a magical ending to a meticulously enthralling experience.
There is so much
more to say of a truly remarkable game.
How the SNES coped
with and successfully handled such a gargantuan effort is nothing short of
astonishing.
Intelligence
is matched only by its beauty.
Square left no
stone unturned and if it wasn't already obvious, they are the masters of all
they survey.
This was
re-released on the DS and the sequel Chrono Cross made its merry way to the
PS1, but not for English shores.
While Final
Fantasy is fairly well known, this is undoubtedly their finest work and nothing, I repeat nothing, on whatever system touches it.
Super Soccer, Human 1992
Modes won’t blow minds as choices include exhibition, tournament and penalty shoot-out.
Of the sixteen
teams, all the usual suspects and rivalries exist but having said that, a
virtual experience will never be the same.
After selecting
formation and team line up, you can all go and kick off.
Like Super
Sidekicks and many others pre Fifa and Pro Evo, this is unlicensed so expect a
plethora of fictitious superstars.
What sets this
apart from anything is the unique Mode 7 pitch which is viewed vertically so
you can see the opposing goal anywhere on the field.
Although those involved need a boot up the ass, it’s still great to play.
At the best of
times, conceding a goal is of little consolation to any keeper and the
celebration given is absolutely awful.
This isn't quite
‘the beautiful game’ but it’s definitely worth lacing up your boots.
Judge Dredd, Probe 1995
In the wonderful
world of 2000 AD, the degenerates and general human filth fear Judge Joseph
Dredd.
The chisel
chinned, brick shithouse is every criminal’s worst nightmare.
Before accessing
the Mega City One library, let’s take this into custody.
Released around
the time of the Stallone vehicle, they attempted to cash in on a cloud that
showered only shit.
Probe game =
mission brief and password system.
He shoots, climbs,
swings and given the protagonist, you must arrest the ‘guilty’ or simply
slaughter.
Artillery is
authentic as his Lawgiver will unload double whammy, grenade, incendiary and
heat seeker.
Scenery is never
out of place as the Hall of Justice, Cursed Earth, Council Chamber and Janus
Lab provide the atmosphere.
During the
platforming shenanigans, accessing a terminal to control the door security
system is essential.
The perfunctory
mission mechanics gives the player primary and secondary objectives to
complete.
Tasks, challenges
or whatever you want to call them are boring, boring, boring.
Destroying ammo
dumps, massacring, rescuing prisoners and arresting perps is what’s needed to
progress.
Aside from the
standard, there is a nice looking if crap Mode 7 scene when you ride the
Lawmaster.
Justice is brought against ABC warriors, judge hunters and alien beasties.
Bosses include
Chopper, a caged prisoner, Gila Munja rider before the showdown with rogue
Judge Rico at the Statue of Liberty.
Despite the
obvious banality in system and design, Probe make a point of delivering
decent graphics, nice animation and moody, if annoying music.
It’s not as
ultimate as the law enforcer it represents but overall, judgment is pretty
good.
So here’s the
worst of the rest.
8 bit whores
should remember Melbourne House for the wrong reasons as they were responsible
for the truly horrendous conversion of Double Dragon, Barbarian (not the Palace
release) and Aaargh!
Did that game
really encourage more torture than its innovative title? Yes, with huge brass balls on.
Their highlight
was the hallucinogenic and psychedelic Fist II in 1986. The variety of music contained was
atmospherically haunting and substantially creepy.
So that’s the
muted history of Melbourne House and their stab at bringing judgment may be fondly
remembered in 1987.
The essence and
lines that Fist II snorted were again eminently audible and insanity was
bestowed among C64 owners.
It did go someway
in capturing the spirit of the comic as you could not literally shout/warn/kill
with ‘BLAM’ and ‘URGH’ housed in speech bubbles.
It was horrible to
look at with muddy colours, unrecognisable sprites and nightmarish gameplay.
For all its
inadequacies and downsides, you found yourself playing more often than you
probably should.
Maybe it was out
of desperation as I never knew what the fuck to do.
In 1990, the Amiga
attempted greatness but didn't even achieve mediocrity.
Never mind, the 8
bit ports made vomit look like a Jackson Pollock.
Using digitised
sprites that Mortal Kombat greedily gobbled, Midway even cancelled a scrolling fighting
arcade before it reached mass distribution in 1993.
Drokk, can it get
any worse?
It seemed no hope
was virtually confirmed in 1997 as Gremlin asked frustrated gamers to ride the
fixed rails of a lightgun compatible shmup on PS1.
The novelty was
sound but the application was bollocks.
Video sequences
with stock actors against CGI provided mild amusement with some unknown called
Richard Waters showing raw emotion as Dredd.
As this was
released after the infamously vapid Stallone movie, I guess his lip was otherwise
engaged…
We should remember
that he was hired for unique exploits for the 3DO version of Demolition Man.
In 2003, the sub
of Dredd vs Death makes this immediately different and revolves around the
demented Dr. Icarus’s lust for immortality, complete with vampires, zombies,
Dark Judges and several criminals thrown in for good measure.
Before fans get too excited, this is not by any means a good FPS, but
compared to the lawlessness of what I've already mentioned, it’s God.
So there weren't
many and unless another is belatedly released, the best advice I can give is
that instead of controlling Dredd, watch Pete Travis’s 2012 movie.
Zool: Ninja of the Nth Dimension, Gremlin 1993
Hyped as
apparently a killer app for the Amiga, a decidedly average effort did the
rounds across many formats.
I've already spoke
and demonstrated Sonic rip offs during ‘links’ and while the exploits of this
Ninja Gremlin are undeniably akin to Sega’s mascot, his lack of speed explains
my sensible reluctance.
As you jump,
shoot, slide, and spin across colourful landscapes, a certain amount of objects
for that area is required and lacklustre bosses guard each world.
Instead of a
straight port, backgrounds are an improvement over the original but nothing can
save this from been an ultimately forgettable effort.
Hagane, Hudson/Red Entertainment 1994
To those who own a
‘genuine’ copy, they will know this is rarer than dry water.
A member of the
Fuma clan, Hagane possesses the skill of a ninja and the body of a cyborg to
take back the Holy Grail from the evil Koma clan.
He can easily
outdo any gymnast in the somersaulting and back-flipping department.
Yeah, this is a
great rip off from the power of four franchises from four different companies.
The look and
design suffocates Contra, Shinobi, Ninja Gaiden and Strider.
He can even use a
grappling hook which adds Bionic Commando to the recipe that isn’t a
disaster.
Overall though,
this good old fashioned hack ‘n slash is not a direct steal of any.
That’s the Ninja
Spirit; sorry that’s a right Irem mistake.
So apart from
dashing, somersaulting and back-flipping, our geezer can bring something special
to the occasion with ninja magic.
His ever
dependable plasma blade kicks ass, but throwing daggers and bombs also help.
Standard enemies
include a variety of ninjas, monsters, mechanical and biological types.
As with any action
popcorn, indestructible peril such as chainsaw blades, fire eruptions, dropping
platforms and protruding spikes are also present.
We are treated to
environments that mix cyberpunk with feudal and are split into sections with
forests, fortresses, caves, the sky and factory bring an assortment of
lovelies.
Mode 7 gets in a cool
spin which becomes a pseudo scrolling shmup stage.
Bosses are usually
possessed and/or controlled by a recurring baddie, as statues and monsters are
pretty yummy to eat.
Compared to the
commonplace drivel, this was practically unreachable but nevertheless, some
obscure lollipops are well worth a lick.
On the Ball, Taito 1992
Well this is a bit
different.
On face value,
this sounds like a terrible football game but it’s a neat little puzzle game.
Guiding a
spherical object around each maze to land in the ‘goal’ ensures the concept is
simpler than looking to the sky and counting the number of flying pigs.
Temporarily
transferring to 32 bits, Kula World expanded the process on PS1.
Rip off or
inspiration? I’m on the fence…
This involved
guiding and rotating a beach ball around a ‘maze’ to collect all coins before
finding the exit. Matters can be viewed
from a different angle and freely hopping over gaps added to the convenience.
Taking her back to
16 bits... Keyed in, confirmed.
The ball is
permanently falling and thankfully, Mode 7 means that turning concourse
couldn't be easier.
Of course, the
freedom of 360 degree movement makes it particularly difficult for the ball to
get stuck…
If the ball
collides with something it shouldn't, this incurs a time penalty. An added pressure is brought as the clock
ticks.
Blocks can be
destroyed within the area and other examples of hampering and encouraging are
speed up, slow down, intermittent stop/go and jump tiles.
It’s a shame that
there isn’t a great deal to negotiate meaning a fun little excursion is over
before it’s really had chance to begin.
Stargate, Probe Entertainment 1995
I was never a fan of the film but TV show Stargate SG-1 performed well.
Colonel O’Neil
(Kurt Russell) delivers one of the worst lines in movie history with “Give my
regards to King Tut asshole.”
Holy shit, you
just have to laugh…
Stepping through
the Stargate, a Special F Marine Battalion quickly gets lost on Planet Abydos.
Find your men and
defeat Ra, the supernatural master of this world.
Assuming the role
of O’Neil, talking to Jackson and others will bring information, story and
‘interesting’ objectives.
To be completely
fair in regards to the story, screens and dialogue, bravo old chap.
Gameplay is
nothing short of ‘seen it, done it, and bought the jumper’ but survives as our grizzled solider happily hangs on ledges, lets the enemy eat
machine gun fire and grenades make things go bang.
As always, they
make a good job of animation and recreating the film as caves, City of Nagada,
desert and the Pyramid make all participants feel at home.
The classic style
of Prince of Persia is naturally stolen and adopted.
Out to scupper
your ass are Ra’s Horus and Osiris guards, bugs and flying monsters.
Now for those
massively exciting, mind-destroying, spirit crushing objectives.
Staleness ranges
from rescuing elders, marine buddies, finding boxes of supplies, destroying
Ra’s computers, acquiring alien lasers and causing glider switches to
malfunction.
Mode 7 presents
itself when using a glider.
Anubis, Ra’s
greatest warrior, must be taken care of more than once with the challenge
increasing.
Butterkist,
Butterkist, Ra Ra Ra, is faced within the confines of his Throne Room and this
annoying insect proves fairly difficult to stamp on.
Movie licences can
pollute the home but this is a decent effort of a pretty shabby
film.
Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster Busts Loose, Konami 1993
This is among the
best cartoon licence that anybody could clean and jerk.
Instead of wading
through the entire Acme Looniversity records, I make the following notes.
Montana Max plays
silly buggers by kidnapping Babs and along with mad scientist Dr. Gene Splicer,
the duo is far from dynamic.
Tiny Toon
Adventures, nothing more, nothing less, appeared on the NES in 1991.
You initially play
Buster but before each stage, it’s obligatory to choose a different Toon (with
a specific ability) who becomes available when a special item is collected.
Buster’s Hidden
Treasure burst on to Megadrive screens in 1993.
Apart from
ultimately rescuing Babs from Max, regular chars become bosses as Splicer
brainwashes and controls.
Unlike before,
sole responsibility is stacked upon Buster’s shoulders. The design of the NES and look of the SNES
shines through and through.
I liked both of
the above but it’s obligatory for the SNES to enjoy the best.
This adventure is
brimming with assorted quality and oozes more personality than a dripping
candle.
Buster remains the
man and will always be, ahem, the man.
The rampaging
rabbit jump kicks and the dash meter provides extra zoom which also permits
running up walls.
All the gang are
here as Montana Max, Bookworm, Dizzy, Hamton, Plucky Duck, Calamity Coyote and
Furrball provide the light relief.
Others feature but
each stage is introduced principally by Buster and Babs.
I don’t think you
can actually call them bosses per se, as mainstays are up to mischief rather
than out to kill.
After all, this is
Tiny Toons.
Stages include
Acme Looniversity, The Wild West, Spook Mansion and Space Opera.
Archetypical of
Konami, no expense is spared when capturing the cartoon’s immortal spirit as
music suits each area while retaining that Tiny Toons feeling.
The standard
action is broken up by bonus stages which are in effect mini games.
Spinning the
alternative roulette wheel can randomly select squash, bingo and a tile
swapping maze, all reaping rewards for success.
There is even an
opportunity to play American Football.
It also helps that
a lot of love and affection has been filtered through in the visuals department
as the ultimate pessimist can do nothing apart from admire.
Variety is
seamless because if you’re not riding a train, you’ll be escaping a collapsing
building, a balloon ride or experiencing zero G.
It’s fairly short,
understandably easy and thoroughly adorable.
This brings more
joy than a properly pulled pint of Guinness and to quote Emil (Paul McCrane)
from Robocop after giving the Cobra Assault Cannon a dance, “I LIKE IT!”
Euro Football Champ, Taito 1992
Originally called Football Champ and/or even Hat Trick Hero, it infected insert coin haunts clearly
down on their luck.
I remember the
emotional announcement of ‘Football Champ’ during the ‘attract sequence’ as I don’t
think you can call it an intro…
Anyhow, it was
laughably shit then and this port makes matters even worse.
With animation so
appalling, you’ll either laugh or drown your sorrows with a bottle of cheap
cider to ease the pain of purchasing such a woeful lump of shit.
I mentioned Super
Soccer had an amusing goal celebration but this takes embarrassment to a whole
new peak.
The goalkeeper’s
acumen is appropriately useless and a disadvantaged slug would make a better shield.
What the fuck is
with this game?
GGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!
Yeah, that
exaggeration is the highlight.
Nosferatu, Seta 1994
It’s impossible
not to digress so let’s sink our teeth into this appetising neck.
More silent than
the wind but louder than a nearby explosion, the 1922 horror classic was an
unauthorised adaptation of Dracula, due to the inconvenience of not been able to
secure the rights to Bram Stoker’s seminal work.
The word
‘Nosferatu’, meaning ‘vampire’, came from Stoker’s literature but F.W. Murnau’s
film ultimately popularised the term, which is probably still a misconception
in the public domain.
Hmmm, the name
Dracula is ‘borrowed’ from Vlad the Impaler but Stoker never identifies him as
being so.
In the 1992 Coppola
movie, he reveals that he is indeed Prince Vlad. Despite boasting a stellar cast including Gary
Oldman and Anthony Hopkins, I wasn't particularly enamoured with this closely
guided erotic adaptation and Keanu Reeve’s ‘faultless’ English accent was a
stake through the heart.
Fairly
predictably, the German version of Nosferatu chops and changes names. Count Dracula became Count Orlok and Jonathan
Harker is Thomas Hutter etc etc.
Bram Stoker’s
estate was naturally a tad upset and a court ruling demanded that all
associated to choke on garlic.
However, one copy
remained and thanks to duplication and distribution, is the reason why it still
exists today.
The rhyme or
reason of why that solitary morsel slipped through the destruction net remains
unknown.
If you cross
reference to pixels, a boss in the Japanese version of Castlevania: Symphony of
the Night is simply called Orlok but you'll fight Olrox in the PAL version.
I suppose this was
Konami’s tribute to a film almost as immortal as the legend himself.
‘Fangs for the
insight,’ says a hungry virgin. ‘So spill, what about the game?”
‘Alright, keep
yer’ skirt on. Honestly, some bitches
have no patience.’
Preying on the
blood of innocents, the creature of the night kidnaps your beloved bird.
It’s up to her
knight dazzling in armour to pop on his rescuing boots…
Instead of
Jonathan Harker, we play Thomas Hutter.
Well you’d think
so but no, it’s Bela Lugosi.
‘Get serious man.’
‘Wow, not content
in being a miserable cow, you also fail to appreciate harmless banter.’
I’m actually not
kidding about Messer Hutter as it’s some dude called Kyle and the damsel in
much distress is Erin.
As we are not
dealing with a literal adaptation, they can do what the hell they like...
This is largely a
Prince of Persia rip off but is also mixed with an extremely basic Final Fight,
or anything similar.
The Persian
element is what you’d expect. Climbing
and dropping, going in, going out, without shaking it all about, while
searching for the exit.
Numerous traps
such as collapsing tiles, protruding spikes, saw blades and swinging axes
attempt to thwart progress.
He can also slide
to the left or right which is essential to pass under tight spaces.
Switches trigger a
time limit before a portcullis closes so less haste more speed.
Exploration can be
met with dead ends and fucking frustration.
Kyle can fight a
good fight but doesn't care much for weapons…
Thinking with his
fists and feet, mixing it up with dashing and jumping is the key to a fair
assortment of attacks.
Although they have
the AI or a suicidal salamander, we do fight a number of monsters such as
zombies, werewolves, floating eyes, fat blobs, gargoyles, possessed books and
Frankenstein’s experiments.
Chests reveal
crystals and different types reap added time, vitality and extended vitality.
Graphics are
nothing special but the animation is pretty decent. Controls do suffer from being sluggish but
are at least tolerable.
Animated sequences
between stages are a welcome plus and emit a nice atmosphere.
Bosses are a total
waste of oxygen as a shape-shifting mudman and rock golem thing just aren’t
worth the time.
A good few levels
stand before you and Nosferatu but he prefers to linger like a fart before
morphing into a bat.
‘So what do you
think, is it worth drinking?”
‘Well, I wouldn't
exactly take my cape off to Seta but sourer blood has passed my lips.’
Monopoly, Sculptured Software 1992
Everybody has
their own strategy and mine is to set up a potentially damaging housing and/or
hotel trap of red, yellow and green.
Park Lane and
Mayfair are too expensive at first…
Consoles and
computers of whatever era are host to more versions than the classic board game
itself.
Translating
matters of financial annihilation to pixels was never a good idea and boy, how
this piece of shit screams this fact from the tallest of trees.
I grew up with
Mayfair, Bond Street, Old Kent Road, Kings Cross etc etc but here we deal with the
Atlanta City names that nobody has ever heard of.
However, you can
easily associate them with what we know.
Expect Illinois
Avenue, New York Avenue and Boardwalk to be The Strand, Vine Street and Mayfair
respectively.
For kicks, Luxury
Tax is Super Tax.
It’s only a hunch
but I suppose the penalties and benefits of Community Chest and Chance also beg
to differ.
Yeah, I never
played it long enough or really remember.
We have all the
essential elements of buying/selling, paying rent, blah blah but animations and
jingles do nothing to make this hum of anything interesting.
Go to jail, go
directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect your belongings and do not
stop to take a piss.
I declare this
bankrupt before dice was thrown.
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