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| Android Two Vortex must've been pretty desperate to slap Gort wannabe with company logo. "Klattu barada nikto." Hey Helen, when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. |
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| Zombie Allegiance I'd rather bathe in acid than pledge allegiance to this. Hmmm, why is blood around mouth strategically 'smeared'? |
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| Fight for your Life Survival of the shittest or survival of the fittest? The answer is sandwiched somewhere between hell and damnation. |
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| The Vineyard Take a sip of his secret potion, it'll make you look like shit. For a curse that can't be broken, one hit will be enough. For abuse turned up to three, here's the catastrophe, and it's called blank tragic (and it's called blank tragic). |
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| The Dead Want Women Sex with rotten dick or plunging the depths of lesbian degradation? The decisions a girl has to make. |
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| Shriek of the Sasquatch! Scarlet Salem's impressive chest fails to divert attention away from masterpiece knocked up in less time it takes the average hobo to finish taking a dump. |
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| Frankenstein's Monster Why has the monster being given a full mop of hair? That's dumber than sticking head inside the open jaws of sexually frustrated alligator and screaming 'SNAP'. |
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| Death Sword Greasy hair, plastic body, fake tan, stock expression and unconvincing pointy stick? Yep, my sagacious character analysis confirms the presence of supreme ASSHOLE. Don't be misled by American moniker - this is Barbarian: The Ultimate Warrior. |
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| The Champ Obnoxious smugness has made me puke my fucking guts out. With the Rocky theme tune? We couldn't give two Philadelphia fucks. |
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| China Warrior The ineptitude of afterimage kick places strawberry on top of diarrhoea sundae. |
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| Cobra Triangle If the legend of 'Nessie' really does look like artist's impression, hand me a 3.57 magnum. |
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| Cowboy Kid Sheriff Burt Reynolds and um Big Cock. This is more Village People than Freddy's Revenge. |
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| Dangerous Streets Thong this! I'm off to strip joint for a proper piece of gash. |
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| Dash Galaxy in the Alien Asylum Anybody who likes this belongs in a fucking asylum. |
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| Death Race Oh for the love of God. HA HA HA! Ignoring obvious reference to Death Race 2000, this cheaply ripped off Sega's revolutionary 1981 arcade Turbo. You have 80 seconds to overtake as many cars as you can. Drive at speeds of up to 300 mph, trying to avoid the other cars as they swerve across your path. 300 mph? Stop it - you're killing me. |
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| Deathbots Fusing T-800 with vicious vampire? What a perverse fangtasy. |
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| European II: The European Cup I've seen jellies boast more rigidity than these brick shithouses. As for background, don't bother pushing the fucking boat out and make things a little more exciting - like adding spectators for instance. |
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| Lethal A guy fleeing from erupting volcano, black 'arrows' keen to point out 'something' and naval mine apparently emerging from non-reflective vortex for absolutely no reason? Definitely a lethal situation. |
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| Super Street Fighter II Turbo Of all the rancid Street Fighter artwork over the years, this definitely breaks the biscuit. I'm interested to know why Blanka and Chunners have rocket boosters? Why are T-Hawk and and Cammy surrounded by explosions? Dee Jay becomes Jamaican pervert and Akuma snarls with corrosive embarrassment. Where's Ryu? Where's Ken? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE? |
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| Tiger Road Lee Wong was clean shaven and completely bald. Did artists research arcade's source material? Obviously not... |
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| Tongue of the Fatman Meet the result of mirrored distortion and Mr. Potato Head taking crystal meth. |
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| Sam Hain Then porno superstar Jenna Jameson proudly presents a couple of shiny bald fellas. She also starred alongside genre legend Robert Englund in Zombie Strippers! |
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| My Hero Another Master System triumph, which hurts the eyes (and the head). Rembrandt - eat your fucking palette out. |
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| Wolrd Cup II Here's Bobby Moore lifting Jules Rimet aloft in 1966. Considering sequel was released in 1985, using iconic image is ludicrous. Predecessor World Cup Football was later repackaged as World Cup Carnival in 1986, which kicked off the World Cup franchise. |
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