16 bits, 2 bytes - Sixteenth Event

Animaniacs, Konami 1994

Pinky and the Brain steal a script for an upcoming Warner Bros movie so they can make enough money to take over the world.

No change there then.

CEO Thaddeus Plotz sends Yakko, Wakko and Dot on a mission to retrieve all 24 pages and foil diabolical plan.

Playing field is multi-directional and changing 'lanes' is essential.

All three are along for the ride, but we can only control one at any time.   Whoever isn't at the mercy of d-pad follow and help out.

AI could be better though.

Siblings have no health bar and can be captured and/or defeated.

Collecting coins activates roulette system and depending on which characters are revealed, bring a variety of results; including power ups, extra coins, invincibility and rescuing friends.

Rather like Tiny Toons Adventures: Buster Busts Loose!, gorgeous visuals expertly capture personality of TV show and 'sets' spoofing Alice in Wonderland, The Terminator, Alien, Star Wars, Jaws, Dracula, E.T. and Indiana Jones are right on the money.

Nicely, we also get music excerpts, including Back to the Future jingle in Sci-Fi.

Climax takes place in Anvilania, where you fight Brain and Pinky inside a robot, which reminds me of Burns from The Simpsons arcade.

Some pages are hidden within objects and stages can be revisited for the benefit of those determined to find all.

Ending differs depending on your efforts.

Mega Drive took a slightly different approach.

Instead of script, gang (now with unique abilities, health and lives) set out to collect parodies of movie memorabilia by defeating respective boss to sell in their shop, like Jason's Mask and Indy's fedora.

Stages are still based around films, with Ralph predominantly causing mischief.

Instead of robot, Pinky and the Brain assume control of Frankenstein's Monster.

Factor 5 watered down same principle for Game Boy in 1995.

Shaq Fu, Delphine Software 1994

This game is great.

I mean really fucking awesome, right?

(Sheepish frown).

En route to charity basketball match, Shaquille O'Neal is spotted by an Old Man emerging from Kung Fu dojo who says 'Greetings Big Warrior'.

Geezer agrees to enter portal to the Second World to rescue Leotsu's son Nazu, who's been kidnapped by mummy Sett Ra.

And so begins a truly brilliant one-on-one fighter, boasting horrific controls, terrible graphics and awful sound.

Rotoscoping does make for some nice animation though.

In Story mode, we can only play as Shaq, but Tournament features other cheesy combatants, like Beast, Mephis and Voodoo.

When 'Fury' gauge is filled, moves are more powerful.

Cherry on top of shit sundae is that CPU is faster and more proficient at executing special moves.

For whatever reason, Amiga and Mega Drive versions had more stages and five extra playable characters, bringing roster up to 12, rather than 7.

Side-scrolling brawler sequel A Legend Reborn is infamous for racial stereotyping and offensive humour.

Obitus, Psygnosis 1993

First off, the futuristic and similarly titled Oblitus is completely unrelated.

Labyrinth adventure was originally released for Amiga, Atari ST and DOS in 1991.

Centuries ago, King Cullen passed control of Obitus to his four sons, gifting them each a Gem of Tranquillity which when joined, conjures a mystical force and protect the land from evil.

Nasty old sorceress got into their heads and told them to turn on each other.

During this power struggle, the gems were lost.

Present day.

Medieval history lecturer Will Mason is driving through Snowdonia when motor breaks down.

He decides to take refuge in a deserted tower and falls asleep, waking up to a world filled with unpleasant creatures and dark secrets.

Will must visit each shire in Middlemere, retrieve each gem and restore peace to the kingdom.

Game is split into mazes (first-person), roads and castles.

Friendlies give tips, information and spout unspoken dialogue.

Interacting with NPCs is mainly done via action-verbs, whiffing of Maniac Mansion.

Staring is generally considered rude, but in order to talk to people, that's exactly what we have to do.

If nothing happens after a few seconds, screen is likely to flash, indicating you're being attacked.

3D graphics (produced by cycling through pre-rendered frames) once looked great, but now...

Regardless, this was always a BAD game.

Moving drains stamina and sleeping is the only way to recover.

As this can't be done inside castles (where you're most likely to be attacked), it becomes a monumental problem.

Enemies can be hit farther away than what you'd think, but taking damage when foe isn't even in view feels like getting kicked in the bollocks.

Walking backwards is not recommended, as enemies have this habit of spawning behind Will.

Also, this can lead to getting stuck inside a wall.

(Bares teeth).

During maze sections, moving left or right will rotate character 45 degrees, and up or down will move one space forward or back.

Mazes represent forests and dungeons, but it all looks the fucking same.

Compass helps, but without making some kind of physical map, you're gonna get lost and almost certainly die.

To compound matters, food is in short supply.

We can only trade after person has offered service, so until you find this out, player is going to waste x amount of items.

As system is so spectacularly broken, best strategy is just kill human and pick up whichever item you'd normally get.

HA HA HA!

And no, game doesn't give two shits who you murder.

Assault Suits Valken, NCS 1992

Known as Cybernator in Europe and North America, many would be forgiven for not knowing (even at the time), that this prequels Mega Drive game Assault Suit Leynos (aka Target Earth), which received a Japan-only sequel for Saturn in 1997.

For some reason, original was belatedly remade for PS4 and DOS.

Anyway...

2065 AD.

The two major powers of Earth are at war.

Pacific States' Marine soldier Jake is literally suited up by the Federation to prevent Axis causing mass destruction.

Fight not for patriotism and justice, fight because you're a soldier.

Impressive visuals, dreamy effects and meaty sound is made all the more enjoyable by surprisingly good gameplay.

I say that because controlling suit could've been hideous, but reality is quite the opposite.

Lengthy briefings before and throughout each stage leave no stone unturned, usually requiring Jake to 'disable' enemy mech.

Vulcan is your standard pea-shooter and other weapons such as missile and laser can be upgraded and switched at any time.

You can also let your fist do the talking and using shield to deflect gun fire helps protect life bar.

Stages boast tonnes of variety and non-stop action.

Hell, even gravity can affect gameplay.

Designer Satoshi Nakai insisted that game included destructive environments.

Kudos.

Multi-screen high end boss Beldark ensures an excellent conclusion.

If any mission is failed (such as either letting something escape or not destroying target in time), expect the bad ending.  I'd suggest enemy shuttle escaping at the end of fifth stage is where some will fall foul.

A perfect run of course secures the proper ending.

This was remade in 2004 for PS2 and released globally as Assault Suits Valken.

Before that, official PS1 Japanese only sequel appeared to model itself on Front Mission 3.

Metal Warriors, Lucasarts 1995

In 2102, Earth is under attack by the Dark Axis, led by dictator Venkar Amon.

The time is now for little man Stone to enter Battledroid suit and tear enemy a new asshole.

Here's why this is more than just a cheap ASV rape.

Before each of its 9 stages, story unfolds via splendid animated anime-esque intermissions.

Objectives for each mission are the same kinda 'stop or disable' principle as ASV.

'Real' bosses are at a premium, but Amon's huge flying robot makes an impressive final challenge.

Levels are filled with destructible walls and floors, some of which break under your weight.

Nitro (all-rounder) is standard suit, but five other bastards each have their own weapons, abilities, strengths and weaknesses.

Havoc is a speed demon, Prometheus is slow as shit and can't jump, but ultra powerful with high defence.  Spider is a stealth killer (webbing can incapacitate certain mechs), but both defensively and offensively weak.

Ballistic has a large amount of firepower but struggles uphill and Drache is sniper-esque, but will be massacred close quarters.

Leaving confines of suit is extremely dangerous, as Stone's pathetic pistol can only hurt humans.

But as this is the only way to enter narrow passages and unlock doors, chances of survival hang in the balance.

Weapons can be upgraded and finding repair units instantly restore suit back to full health.

After finishing main game, or whatever comes first, there's a novel 2P split screen Death-Match mode to enjoy.

Graphics are very nice, sound is decent and gameplay could be worse, but game is brutally difficult.

There's no password system or checkpoints, and we only get five continues.

Sadistic bastards.

Flashback, Delphine Software 1993

Subbed The Quest for Destiny in North America, many confused Amiga game as the sequel to Another World.

Why? Because it was devved by the same company.

Okay then.

1994 sequel Heart of the Alien was a Sega CD exclusive, and picked up immediately after original left off.

In 2142, Conrad is pursued on his flying bike by mutants and shot down.

He wakes up disorientated in a jungle on Titan, wondering what the fuck is going on.

It's up to us to help him 'remember'.

Running, walking, climbing, calling lifts and activating switches, speaking with whoever, finding items and shooting undesirables is held in high regard.

Activating holocube plays a message recorded by Conrad demanding he hook up with Ian in New Washington.

Maybe it's me, but I've just had Total Recall.

Once we get anti-gravity belt, Ian informs his old mate that his investigation into molecular density has alerted alien species the Morphs.

Price of a ticket to Earth is astronomical, so beating Death Tower (censored as Cyber Tower), is the way to go, but first we need to buy forged papers from Jack.

Where does Conrad find 1500 credits?

Unfortunately, not from his ass.

No, he must literally work for it.

At the time, I thought this was a great idea, but now I've grown up...

'Jobs' include:

Delivering parcel;
Escorting VIP; and
Destroying droid.

It's so fucking tedious, but at least we're teleported back to Work Agency to validate another mission.

When we finally earn enough cash, Cyber Tower awaits.

Setting definitely has The Running Man (1987) in mind, but eight floors of cops and floating orbs is rather boring.

Earth is split into numerous sections (which the Morphs plan to conquer) and climax takes place on Alien soil, where before dying, a prisoner called Philip gives our man atomic charge.

After dispensing with countless shapeshifters, you'll fight Auxiliary Brain.

Philip's voice urges you to place bomb in a specific place and taking a ride inside hidden lift ends proceedings.

Conrad drifting aimlessly in space sets up PS1/DOS sequel Fade to Black.

I've made out like I hated 'Another World meets Prince of Persia', but that's not the case.

However, issues exist.

Controls are demanding, gameplay can be fiddly and backtracking irritates.

Password system is the same principle as Amiga (each stage has a different code depending on difficulty), but words are replaced with random letters.

Graphics feature sexy animation and crisply coloured environments.

Action can practically grind to a halt, even when there's only a few sprites on screen.

Cut scenes initially crawl and unnaturally speed up.

3DO port rules supreme, as apart from super smooth gameplay, all new CG sequences add gloss.

Sega CD runs on par with original, has same CG as 3DO (albeit grainier), and music during gameplay is most welcome.

However, voice acting rivals the worst I've ever heard.

Killer Instinct, Rare 1995

Few can forget the Silicon Graphics hype for arcade, when N64 was originally dubbed Ultra 64.

Character roster is impressively varied, as apart from humans Orchid, Chief Thunder, TJ Combo and Jago, Sabrewulf refs Spectrum classic of same name, as Rare took over Ultimate.

Fulgore, Cinder, Spinal, Riptor and Glacius complete line-up, with two-headed gargoyle Eyedol providing final challenge.

Game is called so as mega-corporation Ultratech organises a Killer Instinct tournament to test the strength of its experiments against regular participants.

To separate itself from your typical one-on-one fighter, players have a dual energy bar and when first is spent, 'Ready' gives a slight breather before action recommences.

Vitality is not topped up and simply carried over to next round.

Mortal Kombat influenced No Mercy finishing moves can melt, stab, freeze and electrocute opponents.

Amusingly, Orchid's tits are too much for whoever to handle.

If foe is defeated without losing first energy bar, we can 'humiliate' by forcing them to dance to some weird music.

But this is all about the Combos.

Names range from Super, Blaster, Hyper to Master, Brutal and King.

And.

UUUUUULLLLLLLTTTTRRRRRAAAAAAAA.

Yeah, narration really gives it some emotional welly.

They're not done through skill and executed via button and joystick motions.

So how did 32 meg port fare?

Hit and miss really.

All gore, fatalities, characters and humiliations remain, but static CG, completely different endings, tiny sprites and rubbish animation strangles situation.

Compromises don't end there.

Screen doesn't zoom, pan or scale, and special effects shy backgrounds employ Mode 7 to try and recreate rendering.

The first 100,000 copies sold in North America (20,000 in Canada), were both packaged with soundtrack CD Killer Cuts.

As for Game Boy, other than omitting Cinder and Riptor - it's, err... arcade perfect.

(Laughs).

When released for N64, sequel was renamed Killer Instinct Gold and excluded FMV.

2013 Xbox One reboot was free-to-play, but initially only had Jago playable (rotated on a regular basis).

Talk about taking the piss.

I appreciate it's commonplace nowadays to screw cash out of people, but at least give us some kind of fucking game to begin with.

Ballz, PF. Magic 1994

Novel fighter definitely lives up to its title.

Sprites are composed entirely of spherical objects giving a pseudo-3D look.

Eccentric line-up in full:

Kronk (caveman), Boomer (clown), Brusier (bodybuilder), Turbo (superhero), Tsunami (sumo), Yoko (farting monkey), Divine (ballerina) and Crusher (rhinoceros) confirm developers were smoking crack.

Bosses:

Guggler (ostrich), Bounder (kangaroo), Baby Rex (dinosaur), Lamprey (genie) and end boss Jester requires no explanation.

Kick his ass and wish of playing as any boss is granted, and on we go.

I don't think it's supposed to make sense.

Odd techno music is complemented by grunts, orgasmic yelps and giggles.

Television screens in each arena display ludicrous 'commentary'.

Smell the mat, nibble some knuckle!, saddle up, sucker! and my personal favourite - open wide for chunky...

Fabulous.

Sluggish controls and limited moveset spolis things though.

Mega Drive had no 3D effect and Director's Cut (3DO version) boasted improved graphics and exclusive character Zombie.