Thursday, 25 April 2013

Evil Dead - The scoop and digest


Way before Sam Raimi’s spider senses were tingling, one the most loved horror franchises was born in 1981, The Evil Dead.

Released at the height of the video nasty crisis, the infamous tree rape and ankle gouging made its notoriety legendary.

It took until 2001 for the BBFC to bite the bullet and release it uncut.

Director Fede Alvarez chooses to ‘re-imagine’ a horror so important; he’d dare not to fuck it up as there’d be literally hell to pay.

Plot details and/or spoilers will be foretold from the Naturom Demonto.

Those hoping that their soul isn't sucked dry include:

Lou Taylor Pucci – Eric
Shiloh Fernandez – David
Jane Levy – Mia
Elizabeth Blackmore – Natalie
Jessica Lucas – Olivia

At some point in the past…

A young girl who is clearly a bit worse for wear is tackled and bagged by rednecks who take her to a remote location.

An old crone reading from an ancient book orders the girl’s father to cleanse her soul when she displays obvious signs of intermittent possession.

He pours a flammable liquid over her and things are warmed up.  To make certain of no further threat, a shotgun blast to the head more than fixes this.

At some point in the future…

Five people meet up at a cabin consisting of Mia (a recovering drug addict), her brother David, Eric the teacher, Natalie (David’s love interest) and completing the group is Olivia, a nurse.

The purpose of this little get together is to help Mia finally kick the habit into touch so she can go colder than a refrigerated turkey.

Once inside the dilapidated cabin, Mia complains of the lingering smell of death drifting up her smelling tackle but the others are unconcerned.

Grandpa the woof woof tugs at a rug and when pulled back, stale blood surrounds the basement door.

A brief search later suggests the aftermath of a ritual as the stink of animal flesh and a charred wooden post is there for all to smell and see.

Hmmm, what’s this?  A shotgun and a mysterious package wrapped in a bin liner and covered in barbed wire…

Eric’s curiosity inevitably gets the better of him and things are opened up.

After producing rubbings, he audibly speaks mysterious passages.

Upon every spoken word, this prompts the camera to race towards the cabin faster than a mole already late for a date with a hotter than hot curry.

Curiosity will indeed kill more than cat ...

Is the shit about to hit the fan?  You bet yer’.

Despite Mia pleading with the group to leave, they won’t listen and makes her escape in the jeep.

After something forces her to swerve off the road, she finds herself in a deep puddle.  The same ‘thing’ chases her and she becomes trapped in dense tree branches that immobilise her.  That nasty woman appears before her and ejects a black object that buries itself right up her holy of holies. 

Bro and co find her and they report back to base.

David attempts to confront her but the little minx has locked herself in the bathroom.  She is found to be having a ‘boiling’ hot shower and no beauty therapist or Boots voucher can fix her rather damaged complexion.

That convinces him it’s time to get the fuck out of Dodge and makes a break for A & E.  His mood isn't improved when the road is flooded and they have no choice but to turn back.

Although hit with more sedative to knock out a rampaging rhino, Mia appears dragging the shotgun and shoots her brother.  Before collapsing, she informs the group “You’re all going to die tonight.”

Olivia seizes the opportunity to grab the shotgun but instead finds herself rolling about with Mia.  Red is the colour for Olivia and she is disgusted by the evacuation from Mia’s mouth.

In this brief fracas, Mia is thrown into the basement and imprisoned.

Olivia tries to wash the icky substance off but her reflection becomes a horrifying reality as Eric finds that she has sliced her face off with a mirror shard.

After turning a wee bit too aggressive for comfort, he beats her to death with part of sink which was broken in the struggle.

Natalie is fooled by Mia’s sweetness and foolishly goes down.  Before escaping, her hand is mauled and is snogged in a way that no girly that way inclined would appreciate.

Cleaning her wound is ineffective and is rapidly spreading to her arm...

Taking leave of her senses, she deprives herself of the limb with an electric knife, much to the displeasure of Mia.

The terrible truth of hell literally been unleashed by Eric is revealed to David who fruitlessly tried to burn the evil literature.

He speaks of the Abomination which needs to feast on five souls in order for the sky to bleed again.

The way to free Mia from this persistent leech isn't exhaustive.

Uno – a live burial
Dos – dismemberment
Tres – purification by fire

David is naturally not particularly enamored with any option.

Natalie returns to wreak havoc and nails Eric with the proverbial gun.

A nail gun can also have similar uses in film and video game.

Murtaugh uses it to get out of a tight spot in Lethal Weapon 2 and Cash also takes care of hunters with the same DIY tool in Manhunt.

David ensures she’s the opposite of legless with a well placed blast and that’s the end of her little contribution.

At some point or thereabouts, David retreats the shed to retrieve a chainsaw, pills and enough equipment to cobble together a makeshift defibrillator.

Having dragged the still alive Eric outside, David goes back to douse the place with gasoline but cannot go through with it.

His darling sister is calling him and once again, we descend.

Things don’t go according to plan and she overpowers him.  Eric appears and saves his bacon by knocking her out but is fatally stabbed in the process of doing so.

Mia is pumped full of drugs and gather round, because the live burial is on.  He ignores the demon’s taunts and completes what’s required.

He then quickly digs her body back up and although ‘dead’, she looks cured.  After several failed attempts of reviving her with the defibrillator, all seems lost but Mia is back with us.

David goes back inside for the car keys but Eric successfully stabs him in the jugular.

Mia is locked out and the shotgun is reached.  Before he causes the place to explode, Eric eerily informs “He’s coming.”

With timber burning, Mia picks up the locket (in the shape of a skull) that David gave her before the nightmare began.

While she’s holding this, a drop of blood falls from the sky which is caught in the palm of her hand.

Fear’s rising – temperature’s getting high.
According to all sources, the forest’s the place to go
Cause today for the first time
Just about quarter-past ten
For the first time in history
It’s gonna start raining blood.

It’s Raining Blood! Hallelujah! – It’s Raining Blood! Amen!
She’s gonna stand there and let herself get
Absolutely soaking wet!

So with the prophecy complete, the end boss rises from the ground and the game of cat and mouse follows.

Mia revs the chainsaw and Abomination is deprived of walking tackle.

In retaliation, the cat draws on having Weetabix and flips the jeep, trapping Mia’s hand.  With the imminent threat looming large, evasive action is taken and manages to struggle free, albeit leaving her hand behind.

As it approaches, Mia is ready for the bitch.

“I will feast on your soul!”
Mia responds, “Feast on this motherfucker!”

A right bloody mess is made and its remains return to hell.  The rain ceases and morning has broken, like the first morning, blackbird hasn't spoken, unlike the first bird.

We see book close, as does the film.

Those who immediately rush from their seats are missing out...

The voice of Professor Knowby recalls his discovery and Bruce Campbell turning to the audience and voicing his iconic line completes a great 90 minutes or so.

First things first, rearrange the first letter of each char name to spell DEMON.

But wait, Death Tunnel thought of this first as without too much working out, chars Ashley, Heather, Tori, Elizabeth and Devon become DEATH.

Believe me, that film is AWFUL.

Okay, my inevitable reference alarm has just gone off...

The least obvious is drop of blood from the sky.  It’s near identical to how Frank is infected in Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later.  The only difference is hand instead of eye.

Horror junkies should vomit pea soup at how Mia spews appalling obscenities.  I can only guess that William Friedkin would laugh as most are just blatant variations from The Exorcist.

If Alvarez wants to deny it, I’ll be waiting outside...

It’s also disappointing that Abomination isn't more horrific and antics aren't particularly worthy of being the ultimate enemy.

During the film’s climax, the use of the demon’s machete reminds me of how Jason handled the same weapon in Marcus Nispel’s 2009 re-imagining of Friday the 13th, only horizontal instead of vertical.

Finally, don't believe 'he most terrifying film you will ever experience' tripe as it isn't in the slightest bit scary, no matter what grotesque death or voice distortion is witnessed.

Enough of my pissing and moaning, let’s suck the succulent marrow from these bones.

Mia and Eric are performance highlights and David is acceptable.  The others however, only qualify as excess baggage.

Sensibly, this is not a comedy and is substituted with subtle dark humour.

The heavy use of stomach churning practical effects must be applauded and harks back to the good old days of The Thing and The Fly.

If this was another CGI laden splatterthon, I’d rip the canvas from the very place it hung.

It’s also great that nobody tried to step into Bruce Campbell’s boomstick.

The basement, tree rape, infected hand, chainsaw and hurried camera angles are purposely recognisable with Alvarez's necessary innovations happily embracing The Cabin in the Woods.

Nobody can forget the iconic poster art from 1981 original and a page from the book is based on this very piece.

Although the famous “We’re gonna get you” scene didn't make the final slice, this is a multiple goregasm and I can arrest all fears that seminal franchise hasn't been massacred.

"Groovy!"

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Sharing unknown romance and film telephone calls. Ud 02/06/13

Let me give you all a brief history of this feature.  I have had this idea for a long time but was struggling in regards to application, hence why it has not appeared sooner.

Please spare a few or preferably several moments as you may enjoy yourself...

Did you hear the one about the fish, an insect and a reptile?  No?  Neither did I.

Anyway, they each swam, flew and slithered to the computer dating agency looking for love.  The amphibian serving them punched their details into the computer and unfortunately brought up no acceptable matches.

This lovely piece of fluff signed up moments later...



I bet our reptile would love to sink his fangs into her...

Those engaged in Mortal Kombat will have at some point defeated these four-armed fiends.

Goro
Kintaro
I am in doubt that these half-human, half-dragons are wondering how to chat up and seduce Sheeva.


She is the ultimate example as why women can multi-task.

Alf
Ranx
Judging by their snouts, they both must salivate at the prospect of rolling around in the mud with a bacon sandwich more famous than Babe.


This attack is more toothless than a chicken's trap.  I guess that they must suffer from Odontophobia. 

Meet Debilitas from Capcom's Haunting Ground.  It's best described as 'Resident Evil with a dog, mixed with Clock Tower'.  Whatever, it's mostly boring rather than absorbing.
In the outback, you don't need a gun, when you've got a Donk.
This is Pluto, as seen in the 2006 remake of Wes Craven's 1977 original, The Hills Have Eyes.
Only the affection of Sloth would make their lives complete.


This is some dude with several problems in 2008 horror, Insanitarium. 
Russell Crowe portrayed the lead skinhead in Romper Stomper.  Although out of view, he is attempting to murder his best mate Davey.  His psychotic expression would spark uncontrollable desire from the above.
An uninspiring Vampire horror.
Nope, this isn't fangtastic either.
With so much at stake, vampires should make love and not war.

I saved the best until last.

My, what big teeth you have...  
Here's Amy in the original Fright Night.  Hey darling, I would kill for a tongue wrestle and make it best out of three.
C'mon, somebody should surely give them a shove into each other's arms.

In another world, it would make for a fantastic rom-com.

It's time for cutting to the chat.

Each conversation will be treated separately and be held by no more than two participants.

Jodie, it's Julianne.  Tell me something, why did I agree to star in this ill-advised sequel that is even more disappointing than Prometheus? 
How the fuck should I know?  I bet it really hurts that I was picked to star in the show-stopping original.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make Crawford's tea and do the ironing.  
Gary, how many guests do you want me to bring to this little soiree?
EVERYONE!!!!!
Hi, I would like to make a complaint due to lack of action in regards to a cracked window pane (again). 
Yeah, well tell somebody who gives a shit.  The complaints department is held by an organisation because of a legal obligation and are as much use as a horny male panda.  No offence, but you really need to get yourself laid.  HEY, quit looking over there and listen to me you ignorant bitch.
Sheriff to base, come in please?  Sorry, I can't hear you because of this music.  Can you say again, over?
(Slaver), (Drool), (Dribble) and (Slobber).  HELLO? HELLO?  Can you hear me now you cloth eared bint?
GIVE ME BACK MY SON!
Look moron, this is getting very boring now.  For the last time, I haven't got your fucking son, I've never seen him before and probably never will so please get that it into your thick skull you gormless erection.
Now then my old mucker, it's 'F.'riendly 'F.'ucker.  From me to you, you're an asshole and you'll always be Zangief's bitch.  As for Guy and Cody, I'll take those pricks on right here, right now, any place, any time, on any CRT.  D.D Crew rules and Mad Gear drools so in your face bitch.  What's the matter Mike, scared?  I know you're there, I can hear you breathing.
Is this a joke?  Oh of course it is, the joke's you mate.  Frankly, I find an impotent bull with no horns more intimidating.  Sticks and stones baby, sticks and stones.
F.F. (Where'd you get this shit?)  From a book, do you ever read?  I suppose it's not common practice for ignorant fucks to digest literature.
Mr 'F.'ucker was never heard from again.

Guy and Cody were unavailable for comment
Mr Mayor?  Oh thank God.  Listen, I know you're knee deep in shit at the moment but can you turn on your television and check the reception?  I hope I'm not going nuts but all I can see is Michael Keaton.
Shit Neve, you're right.  Don't worry, I'll file a complaint. 
Hello Clint, ooh you are a naughty boy.  Mmmm, I'm wearing a jumper, granny panties and watching Neighbours.  I know you're just about 'there' but to further polish your stick, nothing spreads like fear.
These hard core sex lines smell worse than the countryside.  You even managed to screw up the final sentence as everybody knows that nothing spreads like 'butter'.
Rog, I've got a red hot tip.  Riggs isn't trying to draw a psycho pension, he really is crazy!
Thank you Doctor, you've been very, very helpful.  I'm too old for this dung.  No, that's not right, it's 'shit' (yes, I can feel one coming).  Ah thank you bowel control, you've just reminded me of my correct line.  Damn it man, we don't have them in 1987.  Fifty years old, partner's got a death wish, fucking life is over.  I was driving before you were itching your Daddy's pants.  Son of a bitch!  Great, that's another one.
Hey slut, what's up?  Hurry it up girl because I'm due a nightmare.
Well quite a lot really.  Jason Vorhees wasn't the original killer in Friday the 13th and apparently, it's a common misconception in horror folklore...
Marvin? Marvin?  This is Marty!  Listen, you don't know me because the Libyans haven't turned up yet and shot the Doc in 1985.  What's more, I'm your stand-in guitarist who will play Johnny B Goode at The Enchantment Under the Sea Dance because you accidentally sliced your hand unlocking the trunk of a car that Biff's guys threw me in.
Holy shit, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about but it sounds damn saucy and exciting you lucky thing.
I have a stalk and slash situation at unknown o'clock that even predates Halloween.  I know this will be badly remade in 2006 so do I get a prize for predicting the future?
Not really my deary but I will give you some free advice.  Don't get done for tax evasion, let your stomach inflate like a barrage balloon and then star in a string of shitty action films that nobody gives a flying fuck about.  Trust me, it's not cool to be like Steven Seagal.
There's a shadowy figure approaching and I'm sure he's going to stick me with his weapon.  What should I do?  C'mon, give it to me straight.
The same as all the other dumb bitches in the same situation.  Scream like a banshee, run like a flightless fairy flapping your bingo wings and fall over theatrically, blaming incredibly high heels or an uneven surface for the 'inconvenient' trip.  On the other hand, you could be in for a thorough seeing to so every cloud and all that.
Hey, how yer' doing?  Listen, my 'personal' life has taken a nose dive due to the Sergeant Major not standing to attention.  The blue pill isn't cost effective and I hear that you're the geezer who can help out?
Yes that's right, to make your mind move in different directions, I recommend that you watch your wife get humpy and I'll guarantee that the front of your trousers will grow lumpy.
Oh goody, I can't wait for this.  All I have to do is Dial M for Mulder.  As a bonus, I wonder if Scully has recovered after starring in the terrible unpleasantness of Straightheads?
M is for murder you idiot, now unless you want the 'M' word to become a reality, you know what needs to be done...
Michael, even after reaching Pacific Heights, wearing a cape and creating Multiplicity, your birth name must still suck harder than a Dyson.
Yeah well, at least I had the opportunity to go shoplifting with Winona Ryder in 2001, the unofficial Space Odyssey...
Hey Janelle I’m scared.  I can hear Wolfie barking in the background, is the worthless piece of shit okay?  Also, what’s for tea?  I fancy a succulent stake with chunky chips and a side order of Amy. 
Fuck you, yer’ little dip shit.  Oh sorry, that’s the message that ‘Max’ left should you call.  Anyway, he’s just fine and dandy, bubbling with lemonade shandy.  That unhealthy obsession with Peter Vincent has made your diet distinctly wooden but my fabulous beef stew should rectify matters...  Oh, I’m up for heisting the Galleria because I can’t get enough of Missile Command and After Burner.
Uncle Frank?  You want it? Fucking have it!  I love you Daddy.  Oh whatever, go to hell.  I don’t know Gorman, you’re the fucking expert.  It was Julia, that bitch.  She brought me men, to make me stronger, so she could have me again.  When I think, I hurt, okay. Special Brew and Lambrini, come to Mummy and we can discuss my largely anonymous biography...  
Look I don’t have time for kinky phone sex right now because I’m going home.  Clear a path you motherfucker!  Clear a path!  I’M GOING HOME!  On the way, my second, third and fourth priorities are to acquire a gym bag full of guns, eat a sorry, miserable squashed thing and complete the only scene in under construction.
What’s the procedure for terrifying a bus load of kids?  Damn my grey matter, as it never functions correctly without a ski mask.  How can the delivery of such an incredible performance ruin one’s career?  Irony is a dirty whore and deserves to be spanked until her bottom turns a darker shade of purple.
Try row, row, row yer’ boat gently down the stream.  Shit! I can’t slither my ass down to the pet shop first thing Monday with this ceased to be reptile because I’ve just noticed that the sly bastards sold me a Norwegian Blue...  Of your other problem, I wholeheartedly sympathise but at least you scored a role in one of the few Clive Barker adaptations worth watching...
Try and Stay Cool when I tell you this but I couldn't get hold of any of the dolls you requested.  At first they refused to help but after bribing them with every catchphrase I could muster, they exhausted each and every store from here to New Jersey but no string could be pulled, no cigar can be smoked and no party streamer could be popped.  I mean if you can't rely on a reputable powerhouse like Toys R Us to stock Erotic Erica, Seductive Samantha, Passionate Pam, Teasing Tanya, Grateful Gertrude or Degenerate Debbie, who can you turn to?
Yeah, who indeed?  DIDN'T YOUR TINY BRAIN EVER THINK WHY?  Okay, I'll spell it out just in case it still hasn't become obvious.  YOUR SORRY ASS DIDN'T SHOP AT PULSE & COCKTAILS YOU FUCKING IDIOT.  God I hate you and I can’t even mend the punctures to Bouncy Brenda or Naughty Natalie as I’m shit out of kit.  You are now being held personally responsible for forcing me to reflect on some asshole’s depraved ‘Battlefield Earth’ delight.  By the way, it’s Be Cool and you're fired as my errand boy.
This is The Collection speaking.  I reckon that the title for this sequel is even more ridiculous than the bullshit excuse they gave for continuing Halloween after the chemical symbol of H20.  I’m now gorging on kebabs, chocolate and carbonated fizz because if the perks of being a wallflower lead to this, I’m sure the positives outweigh the negatives.
1974 - a year that also saw the release of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Black Christmas and The Godfather: Part II.  Unfortunately, Beehive: Cutting it Short was scrapped quicker than a broken down Cadillac due to production setbacks and financial inadequacies.  Therefore, my heart is struggling to bleed for a stupid bitch beamed down from the Planet Whorehouse as doing it ‘standing up’ with the Wrecking Crewe is my unwanted legacy.
He was not on the plane, kill her (and me), before I’m not forced to let off some steam.  Don’t shoot me between the eyes; make sure it’s between the balls as I want my death to be misunderstood and not contrived.
Huh?  What?  I Am Legend, Sonny, floating butterflies and stinging bees?  They haunt me more than a persistent poltergeist and I wish they’d leave me the fuck alone.  Anyway, I’m too busy not releasing Bad Boys 3 which has been delayed due to communication clashes and personality issues with Martin Lawrence.  You don’t know what it’s like working with a two-bit nothing who’s more irritating than the asshole engine that is Chris Tucker.  Aside from that, ruling a country like Val Verde isn't for me because I don’t have an understanding of discipline.
I know you're disappointed but you can now hang up.

"The other person has cleared... beep beep beep."
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