Sunday, 23 August 2026

Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma - The scoop and digest

Writer-director Jane Schoenbrun combines satire with splatter.

Hannah Einbinder - Kris Williams
Gillian Anderson - Billy Presley
Jack Haven - Little Death
Arthur Conti - Alex
Eva Victor - DJ Ella Giastic
Zach Cherry - Will
Sarah Sherman - Kris's agent
Patrick Fischler - Rudolph
Dylan Baker - Jeffrey

Summary

To revive slasher franchise Camp Miasma, 29-year-old long-term fan and queer filmmaker Kris Williams is hired to reboot series, which is purposely modelled on Friday the 13th.

She travels to Camp Tivoli, where series was filmed, and also the home of original film's final girl Billy Presley, who is obsessed with spear-wielding villain Little Death.

As a very physical relationship develops, Kris enters a dangerous world of hypnotic fear and sexual desire.

Flesh and fluid

While previous projects We're All Going to the World's Fair and I Saw the TV Glow weren't exactly shabby - this was a huge step up.

Against an excellent cover of R.E.M.'s Nightswimming by Okay Kaya, title sequence is a kick-ass compilation of promotional material, merchandise and scathing reviews of later instalments.  But Camp Miasma arcade really made me smile, as gameplay is based directly on fighting Jason (here obviously Little Death), in the infamous NES version of Friday the 13th (1989).

Film has the vibe of Censor (2021), and flesh wall towards the end pays homage to Videodrome (1983).

In French, la petite mort literally translates to "the little death", an idiom referring to the brief loss of consciousness and trance-like state experienced immediately after an orgasm.

Plenty of gore is spilled, with blood geysers symbolising ejaculation.

Billy explains that when she was sexually assaulted for a scene in Camp Miasma, she learned to orgasm by Little Death watching her having sex.

After Little Death (who wears an air vent for a mask btw), goes on a killing spree, he 'murders' Kris and Billy simultaneously.  The following morning, they wake up, still covered in blood, and return to the gas station where the original film began.

In a split-diopter shot, Kris and Billy smile and walk off together holding hands.

Saturday, 22 August 2026

Mutiny - The scoop and digest

Action thriller is written by Lindsay Michel and J.P. Davis and directed by Jean-François Richet.

Jason Statham - Cole Reed
Annabelle Wallis - Angie Ellis
Chaneil Kular - Kameron Campallo
Jason Wong - Taran
Ramon Tikaram - Tibu Campallo
Adrian Lester - Captain Adam Spencer
Ben Cartwright - Lieutenant Underwood
Roland Møller - Captain Marko Madsen
Simon Kluth - Jaran Daniles

Summary

In Bangkok, former cop and Royal Marine commando Cole Reed is now the personal bodyguard of billionaire industrialist Tibu Campallo, and considered almost family.

So character is basically the same as Levon Cade in A Working Man (2025).

(Sigh).

One night, Tibu is shot dead and Cole is framed for his murder.

Vowing to clear his name, he boards cargo ship the KMG Artemis and discovers a human trafficking operation aboard.

Cole kinda teams up with unlikely ally Angie Ellis to take gun-toting bad guys down.

Guidance and protection

First off, title makes no sense, as sailors, or in this case traffickers, do not rebel and/or defy their Captain.

I'm a fan, but the Stath has become the new Steven Seagal.

And that is obviously not a fucking compliment.

Close-quarters combat/gunplay can be decent, but the whole thing is just tedious and boring, especially since it takes over 30m for something to happen.

Final fight between Cole and Marko results in Captain getting shot in the head by a harpoon, then the Navy conveniently turns up.

But we're not done, because another tortuous 10m focuses on 'revenge', setting up a possible sequel.

Seriously?

Wednesday, 19 August 2026

How Boats Disappear and Reappear Completely

As Paul W. S. Anderson's Event Horizon popularised said concept in space, I've decided to dig out my life jacket and explore the same principle at sea.

Miscellany

1899 - 2022 TV series

Passengers aboard steamship the Kerberos sail from Southampton, England to New York City to start new lives.  En route, they encounter sister ship the Prometheus, which disappeared four months earlier.

Shortly after its release, Brazilian author Mary Cagnin accused creators Baran bo Odar and Jantje Friese of plagiarising her 2016 comic book Black Silence.  Similarities in both works include black pyramids, codes and suicides, but weren't considered suspicious.

From Below (2022 novel) - Darcy Coates

No light. No air. No escape.

Hundreds of feet beneath the ocean's surface, a graveyard awaits...

In 1928, the SS Arcadia vanished without trace during a routine transatlantic voyage.

Sixty years later, the wreck is discovered more than three hundred miles from its intended course.  

Cove's diving team are given permission to explore rusting hull to record evidence of what happened.

Some things are best left undiscovered.

Films

Rose of Nevada (2025)

Titular vessel suddenly reappears in the harbour of an unnamed fishing village, 30 years after it vanished.

The third in Mark Jenkin's Cornish trilogy is beautifully shot, superbly acted, and puts a unique spin on time travel.

Ghost Ship (2002)

This is cheating slightly, but whatever.

Unrelated to 1952 film of same name, story begins in 1962 aboard the ocean liner MS Antonia Graza, where an awesome massacre involving a metal cable plays out.

40 years later, a salvage crew (led by Captain Sean Murphy), are alerted to a vessel drifting in the Bering Strait, carrying boxes of gold.

An invisible force destroys their tug, the Arctic Warrior, meaning the only means of escape is to repair the abandoned ship.

But angry ghosts may have something to say about that.

Lost Voyage (2000)

In 1972, the SS Corona Queen vanishes into the Bermuda Triangle.

25 years later, vessel reappears, and not alone.

Film is primarily set in 1997 (the same year Event Horizon was released), suggesting all concerned were taking the piss.

We've all heard of Lance Henriksen, right?  But here, end credits misspell his surname as Henricksen.

(Sigh).

Oh, must show you how they ripped off Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981).

Holy fire


Angelic spirit


Angel of death


Video games

Silent Hill: The Arcade (2007)

In 1918, sightseeing boat the Little Baroness, mysteriously disappears with 14 crew members and passengers on board.

75 years later, the ship returns to Silent Hill.

Eric and Tina find the town crawling with iconic monsters, and eventually meet Hanna, a girl resembling Tina's pen-pal Emilie, who's engulfed by the Phantom, a giant monstrous head.

For clarity, steamboat was first mentioned in Silent Hill 2 (2001), in a magazine at Toluca Prison.  

Echo Night (1998/1999)

A.D. 1913.

The passenger liner Orpheus mysteriously disappeared.

A search team was assembled to find the missing ship, but failed to uncover any evidence.

24 years later, America.

Richard Osmond receives a letter from his father Henry, and a small key used at Henry's house to wind a grandfather clock reveals a secret passage, where a red book is hidden.

After pushing two busts together, Richard is transported into a painting of the Orpheus, with the Captain's ghost soon revealing entities aboard are merely shadows.

Our job is to pass through the passengers' memories and give them peace, while avoiding hostile ghosts who attack if a room is too dark.

Best find a light then.

Oh, all this has been caused by the corrupting powers of an ancient artefact called the Red Stone. 

Lazerat (2024)

Four years ago, the MTS Endurance disappeared on its voyage across the Atlantic Ocean.  It has recently re-emerged (no year given).

After all attempts to communicate with the ship fail, rescue team member John investigates a distress signal coming from the once-lost cargo vessel.

Game boasts impressive brain teasers, but one in particular made me cringe.

A wooden statue must be rotated until the shadow matches the rider and his weapon.
Resident Evil 7: Biohazard (2017)

Shadow puzzles are solved in the same way.
WHAT THE FUCK?

Finally.

Return of the Obra Dinn (2018)

Weighing 800 tons and built in London, 1976, the good ship Obra Dinn is lost at sea in 1803.

Four years later in Falmouth, England, it's back, without crew or passengers.

An unnamed investigator for the East India Company is sent to reconstruct events, find clues and determine how each person died, using timepiece the Momento Mortem.

To help track progress, we're given a logbook containing a drawing of all passengers and crew, together with a plan of the ship.

Game is effectively one giant non-linear logic puzzle, and each of its ten chapters (split into several parts) can be tackled in any order.

I'd describe shit as a fascinating chore, but Apple Macintosh 128K-esque monochrome graphics are excellent, and sound design isn't too shabby either.

Sunday, 16 August 2026

The End of Oak Street - The scoop and digest

Originally titled Flowervale Street, mystery thriller is written, co-produced and directed by David Robert Mitchell, who made a name for himself with It Follows (2014).

Anne Hathaway - Denise
Ewan McGregor - Greg
Maisy Stella - Audrey
Christian Convery - Brian
P. J. Byrne - Mel

Summary

In 1982, Denise and Greg Platt live with their kids Audrey and Brian in Flowervale.

One night, the family dog Starbuck witnesses a blinding ball of light, which is soon revealed to be a wormhole.

The next morning, their neighbour Mel shows them a huge pile of excrement in his backyard from an unidentified animal, making the load the Triceratops left in Jurassic Park minuscule in comparison.

During a violent storm, a much larger wormhole engulfs the street, transporting the neighbourhood millions of years in the past.

When dinosaurs begin eating folk, Denise and Greg reconcile and draw on every resource to protect Audrey and Brian.

Two points in space and time

Although domestic stuff sucked and it's never explained why wormholes are opening up, this was still the best dino horror since the criminally overlooked Primitive War (2025).

Film basks in the nostalgic glory of E.T. (kids bombing about on bicycles), but apart from dinosaurs, is nothing like Jurassic Park.

However, big bad Allosaurus drinking from a paddling pool is presumably a subtle nod to the T-rex quenching its thirst from a swimming pool in The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997).

I also note surburban neighbourhood smacks of Cuesta Verde in Poltergeist (1982), which Spielberg was heavily involved in.

Our prehistoric friends don't appear for about 30m and the boundaries of a 12A certificate are pushed like never before.

At one point, Denise and Greg observe dinosaurs mating, a bizarre cinematic first.

Gamers may raise suspicious eyebrows when a giant white snake attacks, as out of place creature immediately reminded me of the Great Serpent, an optional boss in Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice (2019)

Action sequences can be thrilling, and Mark Renton getting eaten with a decent chunk of running time remaining surprised me in a good way.

Unfortunately, everything is undone by Denise and co escaping through a wormhole, returning 20 minutes before on the same night street disappeared.  Denise warns residents to get the fuck out of dodge and arranges for Greg to be a safe distance away.

Two years later, the news informs the area has been contained and Denise publishes a novel based on her experiences.

Friday, 14 August 2026

Ice Cream Man (2026) - The scoop and digest

Eli Roth directs and co-writes retro slasher with Noah Belson.

Oh, this is NOT a remake of cult 1995 film of same name.

Ari Millen - Ice Cream Man
Charlie Zeltzer - Jared
Shiloh O'Reilly - Tommy
Kiori Mirza Waldman - Mia
Sarah Abbott - Lizzie
Benjamin Byron Davis - Priest/Necromancer

Summary

When a mysterious ice cream van rocks up in the sleepy town of Bayleen Bay, its creepy operator becomes immediately popular with local children, who after consuming tasty treats, slip into a strange trance.

Not that it particularly matters, but products on offer include Locust Lick, Froggy's Swamp Pop and Serpent Swirl.

One night, the van drives through the neighbourhood and chimes seemingly awaken the children, transforming them into homicidal maniacs, spelling serious trouble for adults.

The meat of action takes place inside a local school, where Jared, Tommy and Mia fight for survival.

Post-credits

A decapitated corpse rides out of town on a scooter.

Special place in hell

The Ice Cream Man's real name is Jonathan Smiley.  Decades earlier, he was wrongfully convicted for hurting children to cover up the actions of predatory priests.  While in prison, Smiley was visited by a necromancer who promised revenge in exchange for his soul.

So ignoring eye-rolling explanation, we get Weapons, Cooties, Terrifier, Village of the Damned, Night of the Living Dead and Children of the Cornetto, err Corn.

Thanksgiving was fun because it was self- aware, but latest project gave me brain freeze, because tone of shallow gore-fest is all over the place.

Are we supposed to laugh at children using intestines as a skipping rope and guts in a game of Cat's cradle?

Don't know.

And yeah, AI in cartoon sections sucked serious ass.

However, possessed kids following Smiley as he leaves to presumably terrorize another town was a cool nod to the Pied Piper of Hamelin.

Friday, 7 August 2026

Alley Cats - TV series

Adult comedy series is written and directed by David Brent.

Ricky Gervais - Gus
Tom Basden - Ponce
Andrew Brooke - Fang
David Earl - Puke
Kerry Godliman - Lara
Jo Hartley - Kitten
Diane Morgan - Olive
Natalie Cassidy - Gus's mother
Tony Way - Drug Dealer

Episodes

Lost
Havoc
Kids
Date Night
Mum
Home

At the end of reviewing terrible live-action comedy Strays, I mentioned the possibility of a 'sequel led by foul-mouthed cats'.

Well, I kinda predicted the future, just not in the right medium.

(Laughs).

About two hours of relentless f and c-bombing is structured thusly:

Cats spending a few minutes discussing whatever they're watching on television, Gogglebox-esque, then going outside, assaulting our ears with crass jokes that are never funny, not even accidentally.

Rinse and fucking repeat.

The Office was brilliant, but this was just depressing.

Thursday, 6 August 2026

Pinocchio Unstrung - The scoop and digest

The first horror inspired by Carlo Collodi's 1883 novel The Adventures of Pinocchio was Pinocchio's Revenge (1996), which was closer to Don Mancini's original intent for Child's Play (1988).

Other than word in title, crazy Japanese cyberpunk yarn 964: Pinocchio (1991), aka Screams of Blasphemy, has more in common with my ass than story.

Anyway, the fifth instalment in The Twisted Childhood Universe (or Poohniverse) is written and directed by Rhys Frake-Waterfield.

Richard Brake - Geppetto
Robert Englund - Talking Cricket
Cameron Bell - James
Jessica Balmer - Mia
Jude-Evan Lloyd - Pinocchio
Emma Tate - Wood Mother

Summary

Following the death of his parents, teenager James is sent to live with his grandfather Geppetto.

After his friend Zach dies and the other (Michael) is forced to move away, Geppetto promises to build a friend that will never abandon him.

One year later, Geppetto introduces James to Pinocchio, a sentient wooden boy whose nose grows longer each time he lies.

While James is at school, Pinocchio explores the basement and speaks with Wood Mother, saying he's just a puppet and must make bad people dead, taking what they have piece by piece, until he becomes whole.

Under the guidance of Freddy fucking Krueger, sorry Talking Cricket, Pinocchio sets about killing anybody seen as a threat to James, taking body parts as souvenirs.

So set up is largely Child's Play (2019).

Mid-credits

The Cricket is revealed to have survived and uses magical vines on Geppetto's corpse to presumably resurrect him.

The herd will protect

I've already mentioned Pinocchio's Revenge, but I didn't expect scenes to be ripped off, such as bullying kids, Pinocchio watching a woman in the shower and a patient killed in the hospital (albeit in different circumstances).

And no, this isn't a remake.

A swift 80 minutes boasts impressive squishy gore and a cheeky nod to Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey 2, as Geppetto was an apprentice of the late Dr. Arthur Gallup.

Film is average at best, Pinocchio brought to life by a combination of puppetry and animatronics must be commended.

Following extra scene, the rest of credits show how visual effects were created.

Oh, must mention:

Jaws

Pinocchio uses his finger as a makeshift fin (complete with 'dun dun') in a swimming pool.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

Slapped with make-up and wearing Amanda's hair, Pinocchio dines at a table with the corpses of his victims.
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