The Madness of Double Dragon

Strap yourself in for a ride with the Lee brothers like no other.

Atari 2600/7800 vs The Warriors (1979)

Or something to that effect.

Home computer art was widely recycled across various platforms.

Now let's look at other ports in more detail.

Famicom/NES (1988)

Billy becomes Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star.

To get around the omission of simultaneous play, plot is altered to make Jimmy the Shadow Boss and leader of the Black Warriors.

Game Boy (1990)

Japanese box art

Although looking and sounding like NES game, stages are completely different and we can only play as Jimmy via a Game Link cable.

Sega Mark III/Master System (1988)

This is where everything goes to shit.

Apparently, somebody ordered Rick Astley, on the BBC of all things.

Holy shit - I've just been rickrolled.

Europe

From the back.

"Using the ancient oritental martial art of Kenpo, fight your way through a city controlled by ruthless gangs of thugs. Keep your guard up as you as you battle to save your sweetheart and restore the streets to law and order."

First of all, it's Kenpō and Sou-Setsu-Ken can apparently go fuck itself.  There is only one gang, Marian is relegated to just sweetheart (girlfriend of whoever) and considering Billy and Jimmy are vigilantes, how can they can restore law and order?

North America

"In a city destroyed by war and crime, you count on each other to survive. You are Billy and Jimmy Lee, the twins they call the Spike and the Hammer. When it comes to martial arts, you're both street lethal. Leaping kicks. Knee smashes. Judo throws. You are the masters. Now get ready for your biggest battle of all. The Black Warriors, meanest gang in the city, has kidnapped Jimmy's girlfriend Mary Ann. She's the bait they're using to lure you onto their turf. You're going to get her back... and take care of the Black Warriors' gang once and for all!

It's going to take every fighting skill you have. And if you make it to the headquarters of the Black Warriors, you'll face the greatest surprise of all, the leader of the gang!"

War? I guess they meant the gangland kind.  According to the famous arcade flyer, Jimmy is Spike and Billy is Hammer.  But the strangest change is Marian becoming Mary Ann, now Jimmy's other half.

Finally, there is no surprise, as end boss is still Willy.

Manual

Same kinda thing, but claims brothers are masters of 'Kenpo' and Kung Fu.

Mary Ann is described as 'your' sweetheart, implying that Marian is a tart.

Game Gear (1992/1993)

North America

As per earlier Game Boy effort, a totally new game.

Back cover

Mess with the best die like the rest.

That's the motto of the Dragon Lords - the meanest, roughest street gang around (who taught Billy and Jimmy everything they knew).

For reasons undisclosed, the gang murdered Jimmy, and no mention of Marian.

Manual

During a stroll, a group of the Black Warriors jump Billy and nab his girlfriend Marian and take her to their hideout at the Samurai Mansion.

There you will ultimately battle it out against the Black Samurai for Marian's freedom and your life (totally ignoring Jimmy).

But there's more.

The Black Samurai doesn't pose much of a challenge.

Who is revealed to be Jimmy.

Ending states we have been fighting the evil Dragon Clan and our exploits broke their inner circle.

THREE different stories... in the SAME game?

HA HA HA!

Europe

Game is subbed The Revenge of Billy Lee (but not on title screen).

Back cover

"Billy Lee is as mad as hell. His brother has been captured by the evil Shadow Boss who has filled the streets with his men. Will Billy break the Inner Circle and avenge his brother - or join him?"

Title and blurb makes absolutely no sense.

You can't avenge somebody who has only been captured.

Also, Black Samurai becomes Shadow Boss.

Not that it would right any wrong, but The Rescue of Billy Lee would be a more appropriate subtitle.

More importantly, game is identical to North American counterpart.

Miscellany

Double Dragon (1994)

Goofy live-action adaptation was directed James Yukich, with Scott Wolf and Mark Dacascos portraying Billy and Jimmy Lee respectively.  Stupid plot concerns crime lord and businessman Koga Shuko (Robert Patrick) seeking both pieces of a magical medallion called the Double Dragon.

Despite some decent special effects (for the time) and the T-1000, it was fucking AWFUL.

A year later, Technōs' final game before going out of business was loosely based on said film of same name and initially released for the Neo Geo AES and MVS, and later the Neo Geo CD (which boasted a far superior soundtrack).

It's worth noting this wasn't the first one-on-one fighter in series, as that belonged to golden turd Double Dragon V: The Shadow Falls (1994).

PS1 (1996)

Japan only port by Urban Plant Ltd was technically inferior for the following reasons:

1. Camera zoomed out made sprites smaller.

2. Animation isn't as smooth.

3. Murkier colours.

On the other hand, intro is lengthier (with higher quality FMV), various stills of film are shown during end credits and we get three modes:

Over Drive - overpowered specials and supers.

Normal - self-explanatory.

Tiny 3D - camera rotating at numerous angles is hugely disorientating and made backgrounds and sprites look like cardboard cutouts.

Kudos for trying something different though.

Turning up the geekery, stages (less Eddie and Jimmy's) omit numerous details.

Billy

Signs aren't illuminated.

Dulton

Jet skis don't jump into water. 

Amon

Seagulls don't hover about and cliff walls scrolling at speed don't have tree branches.

Marian

Static on giant monitor screen is frozen, so film stills aren't displayed.

Rebecca

Flames of burning house don't reflect on floor and remnants don't fall from sky.

Burnov

No flame spurts from foreground. 

Abobo

It's impossible to destroy ceiling meaning wrecked train doesn't fall into sewer.

Duke

Destructible goddess statues are missing.

Shuko

Somebody nicked suits of armour.

Cheng-Fu

Fewer destructible objects, water doesn't move, a section of audience is missing and time of day doesn't change between rounds.

Phew.

Time for a little fun.

Double Dragon Advance (2003)

Atlus's excellent remake incorporates elements from arcade sequels, console versions and adds unique stages.

Cover art pays homage to The Way of the Dragon.

Back cover

Jimmy has feelings for Marian (and Marion).

Okay then.

Back to Bruce Lee.

Billy

At the end of Mission 3, a cropped poster of Game of Death is displayed.

If player picks up nunchucks and stationary, sprite expertly recreates the pose in the famous freestyling sequence in Enter the Dragon.

Finally, Mission 5 complete screen after defeating Mibobo smacks of Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver.

Mohawk and finger guns are rather similar, yes?

Join me next time for more.

Death of a Unicorn - The scoop and digest

Creature feature is written and directed by Alex Scharfman.

Paul Rudd - Elliot Kintner

Jenna Ortega - Ridley Kintner

Will Poulter - Shepard Leopold

Téa Leoni - Belinda Leopold

Richard E. Grant - Odell Leopold

Anthony Carrigan - Griff

Summary

En route to his billionaire boss's luxury estate, Elliot Kintner hits a unicorn foal.  When his daughter Ridley grabs its glowing horn, she has a cosmic vision, but the experience abruptly ends when Elliot batters animal to death with a tire iron.

After wiping her face with a towel, the unicorn's blood rids Ridley's acne.  During which, infant comes back to life, but is shot dead by Odell's assistant.

Eventually, the unicorn's parents go on a murderous rampage.

The Seven Tapestries

Poorly constructed and boring as hell, what should've been fun is anything but.

Nothing happens for over 50 minutes and CG is atrocious.

Scraping the barrel, Poulter and Ortega are watchable.

To other matters.

Kintner, as in Alex from Jaws?

Probably.

When Odell and co start decide to hunt one of the unicorns, we briefly witness a shitty version of Aliens (complete with a cheap motion tracker).

Unicorns stalk human prey inside Odell's mansion, copying the Indoraptor at the Lockwood estate in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, which bizarrely ripped off Carnosaur 2.

Towards the end, a unicorn growling near Ridley's face recreates the iconic sequence in Alien³.

Wait a minute, Ridley is damn close to Ripley and Ridley Scott directed Alien.

I see what they did there.

A Working Man - The scoop and digest

David Ayer's latest project (ntbcw similarly titled 2019 film Working Man) is co-written by Sylvester Stallone and based on Levon's Trade, the first in Chuck Dixon's book series, and also takes a chunk of trafficking from Levon's Run.

Jason Statham - Levon Cade

David Harbour - Gunny Lefferty

Michael Peña - Joe Garcia

Jason Flemyng - Wolo Kolisnyk

Arianna Rivas - Jenny Garcia

Richard Heap - Dr. Roth

Isla Gie - Merry Cade

Summary

Former Royal Marine Levon Cade works as a foreman on a construction site and sees his boss Joe Garcia as almost family.

When Joe's daughter Jenny is kidnapped at a bar by Russian human traffickers, Levon agrees to bring Jenny home, by any means necessary.

Kill this demon

Taken meets Commando is as generic as they come, but tailor-made for the Stath.

One-man army (who occasionally buys drugs), biffs and shoots his way through enemies with a minimum of fuss, making the whole thing rather tedious.

Jesus Christ, there isn't even an end boss.

In the book, Jenna (as she's called), died by choking on her own vomit after Dimi drugged her.

Dark stuff.

But here, she's rescued by Levon before ass can be sold to a rich client.

But the most bizarre subplot unfortunately omitted is hitmen kidnapping Roth and his wife looking for Levon, with the latter quickly executed.  To save his own skin, Roth makes a deal with the devil, supplying the Russians with cheap medications and eventually becoming a private doctor to the gang.

Err, what the fuck?

Shiver Me Timbers - The scoop and digest

The third horror in so many months exploiting E. C. Segar's Popeye is written and directed by Paul Stephen Mann (in his directorial debut).

Amy Mackie - Olive Oyl

Niamh Parrington - Cylinda Oyl

Brendan Nelson - Castor Oyl

David Hallows - Old Man Popeye

Paul Dewdney - Homeless George

Anthony Greer - Monster Popeye

The following film is based on real people, real events, and real murders. The story depicts actual murders that occurred and is intended to provide a realistic portrayal of these incidents.

Summary

April 12th 1986.

In Northern California, a mother and daughter discover human remains.

24 hours earlier.

Olive, Cylinda, Castor and other friends arrive at a camp site for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of witnessing Halley's comet.

After they ignore the warnings from a vagrant to get the fuck out of dodge, a tiny meteor fragment lands inside an old sailor's pipe, transforming geezer into an unstoppable killing machine.

The comet is evil

Ahead of Popeye obliterating the head of his first victim with one punch, he exclaims "Well blow me down!"

That sets the standard for absolute BOLLOCKS, and not in a 'so bad it's good' way.

Script, acting and kills are embarrassing, but top tier CG saves the day.

(Frowns).

At least climax is game for a laugh.

Aliens (1986)

Just before Popeye is about to murder bestie Cylinda, Ollie, armed with a giant handheld circular saw, exclaims "Get away from her you PRICK!"

'Ripley' apparently kills antagonist by slicing open his belly and villain says: "I just can't take it no more!"

Pretty funny really, considering actual catchphrase is: "That's all I can stands, an I can't stands n'more!"

Evil Dead II (1987)

A few weeks later, a radio broadcast reports more murders, suggesting that Popeye survived.

Having just applied the finishing touches to her robotic hand, Ollie turns to the camera, raises her eyebrows and states: "Groovy!"

HA HA HA HA!

Novocaine (2025) - The scoop and digest

Dan Berk and Robert Olsen's action comedy is written by Lars Jacobson and unrelated to 2001 film of same name, or Eels song Novocaine for the Soul.

(Ahem).

Jack Quaid - Nathan "Novocaine" Caine

Amber Midthunder - Sherry

Ray Nicholson - Simon

Jacob Batalon - Roscoe Dixon

Conrad Kemp - Andre

Evan Hengst - Ben

Summary

Socially awkward Nathan Caine works as an assistant manager for a trust credit union in San Diego and has congential insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis (CIPA).

On Christmas Eve, three men dressed as Santa rob the credit union and their leader Simon takes Nate's love interest Sherry hostage.

After impulsively stealing a cop car, Nate gives chase and uses genetic disorder to his advantage.

Survive & thrive

Considering the central concept is basically Kick-Ass, search and rescue mission should have been a lot more fun than what it actually is.

As a side note, there's also an Indian film called Mard Ko Dard Nahi Hota (The Man Who Feels No Pain), whose main character has the same condition and embarks on a revenge mission.

Anyway.

Sherry is Simon's sister and was in on heist from the beginning, but developed genuine feelings for Nate.

There's some nice choreography and bloody violence, but tone is consistently all over the place and can't make up its mind if we're supposed to laugh or cringe.

Case in point is Andre pulling off Nate's fingernails with a pair of pliers.  During which, Nate feigns injury waiting for online gamer Roscoe to arrive.

The main problem is that Nate isn't The Terminator or a fucking superhero, so I'm certain a normal human being (no matter how tough) would die from the amount of punishment he sustains.

Some things of note.

Kickboxer (1989)

While fighting tattooist Zeno, the ground gets covered in glass which Nate repeatedly punches to embed fragments into fists.

Kurt and Tong Po fight the "ancient way", wrapping their hands in hemp rope, which are then coated with resin and finally dipped into broken glass.

Sequence was famously parodied in Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993).

Mortal Kombat 1 (2023)

Nate breaking his arm and using exposed bone to kill Simon is extremely similar to Havik's RAD-ius Incision fatality.

Peter Pan's Neverland Nightmare - The scoop and digest

Scott Chambers (who portrayed Christopher Robin in Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey 2), writes and directs the third instalment of The Twisted Childhood Universe.

Megan Placito - Wendy Darling

Martin Portlock - Peter Pan

Kit Green - Tinker Bell

Peter de Souza-Feighoney - Michael Darling

Summary

At a fantasy-themed circus, Peter Pan mimes for children and gives a balloon animal to a boy called James.

After the show, Peter kidnaps James at his home, but before killing her, the mother mutilates his face.

15 years later.

Peter has ditched the clown make-up and sometimes wears a doll mask to hide his disfigurement.

After eventually kidnapping Michael Darling, he calls the house and tells his mother Mary that he's been taken to Neverland. 

When Peter adds Michael's best friend Joey to his crackhouse ranch, Wendy follows and rolls up rescuing sleeves.

Pixie dust

Say what you will about these controversial horror re-imaginings, but they are definitely improving. 

At the start, Peter talks to James from a basement hatch (The Evil Dead) and does a direct impression of Bill Skarsgård's Pennywise in It (2017).  Other times, he's Joaquin Phoenix's Arthur Fleck.

Also, plot draws heavily from The Black Phone.

Performances are strong, particularly from Placito and Portlock, and I liked what they did with Tinks (drug-addicted hag) and Hook (Candyman wannabe James).

In terms of gore - this delivers.  We get multiple stabbings, fingers bitten off, a head scalping and limbs removed.

However, the punishment Peter and Wendy dish out on each other gets ridiculous, almost Terrifier-esque.

Neverland is a place that exists only inside Peter's head and he occasionally hallucinates a shadow of a boy flying on the wall.  Yes it's meant to be Disney's animated version of character, but cannot be explicitly shown due to copyright.

Ending leaves door open for a sequel which would explore Neverland further, but obviously depends on box-office performance.

Cleaner (2025) - The scoop and digest

Martin Campbell's action thriller is unrelated to 2007 film of same name.

Daisy Ridley - Joanna "Joey" Locke

Taz Skylar - Noah Santos

Matthew Tuck - Michael Locke

Ruth Gemmell - DS Hume

Rufus Jones - Geoffrey Milton

Lee Boardman - Gerald Milton

Clive Owen - Marcus Blake

Flavia Watson - Zee

Summary

When her abusive father starts on her autistic brother Michael, Joey blocks shit out by sitting outside on a window ledge.

20 years later, Joey works as a window cleaner for Agnian Energy, owned by brothers and CEO's Geoffrey and Gerald Milton.

On the night of a shareholder gala, a bunch of masked Gods show up.  But performers are actually members of radical environmental group Earth Revolution.

Via archive footage, Marcus Blake reveals that Agnian is dirtier than a baby's nappy, as company makes a fortune from destroying eco-systems and secretly murder whoever before they can expose the truth in court.

Among the victims was one of their own - Elena.

Joey alerts the police and ex-soldier must get inside and save the fucking day.

All flesh is grass

Essentially another Die Hard rip off, but certainly one of the better examples.

Joey - John McClane

Zee - female Theo

Hume - Al Powell

Marcus is initially Hans Gruber and Noah stands in for Karl, but as right-hand man murders leader early doors, Noah becomes Hans.

Oh, Agnian Tower is the equivalent of Nakatomi Plaza.

Although things don't really kick off until the final 30 minutes, close-quarters combat is pretty cool.

Here's the weird thing.

Noah wears a dead man's switch synched to his pulse, so if his heart stops beating, the whole building will explode.

Ma-Ma does the same thing in Dredd.

Coincidence?