Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Alex Cross - The scoop and digest


I was quite looking forward to this one as this is the third movie based on a series of best-selling novels by James Patterson.

The other two efforts were Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider with Morgan Freeman portraying police psychologist Alex Cross.

The ever reliable Mr. Freeman did his best with what he had but there are far better examples of this genre and as such, they never really floated my yacht.

So was Rob Cohen’s interpretation of printed media any good or a silver screen nightmare?

Plot details and/or spoilers will come to light as things get more personal than Bridget Jones’s Diary.

Those inadvertently involved as cat chases the mouse include:

Tyler Perry – Alex Cross
Matthew Perry - Picasso
Jean Reno – Mercia
Carmen Ajogo – Maria Cross
Rachel Nichols – Monica Ashe
Edward Burns – Tommy

Cross and fellow officers give chase to an unknown crim and after slight effort, he’s taken down.  We learn that his wife is pregnant with his third child and Cross visits a girl in prison who has taken the rap for her uncle’s crime.

It’s a boring beginning and things can only get better.

The film actually starts when we see a shifty looking dude accepting a wired payment of $3m by an unknown source.

Our man persuades the manager of an MMA event in allowing an unexpected to participate.  The help of a bribe helps and he slaps a bet on himself to kick the ass of a cocky upstart who wins the previous fight.

So, “The Butcher” steps into the ring.

He gives a stern warning to his opponent that if he touches his face that he’ll never fight again.  Now if that isn't fighting talk and won’t fire a geezer up, I don’t know what will.

The fight is realistic and after an arm break later, the victor catches the eye of an attractive female.

She takes him back to her expensive gaf hoping for a more intimate clinch.  This sort of skirt is too fit to brave the streets alone so he’s subject to a slack frisking exercise by her goons.

After they discover nothing, it’s upstairs to a mattress that can be used for another activity other than forty winks.

He’s not really interested in getting laid though.

She’s ordered to remove her stockings and her wish is granted towards a bondage exercise.

He mounts her not in the way she expected and injects her with a green liquid through a hypodermic needle.

The result is paralysis and it is later revealed that he uses the drug TTK meaning that the receiver is conscious, aware and worst of all, can feel everything.

Cross and his partner Tommy are called to the murder scene by their captain.  After forensics conduct a search and take pics, they trot upstairs where a grisly discovery is waiting in a glass container next to where her still restrained body is found

Even if this lady was still alive, good luck playing the piano again...

How he took her bodyguards out is explained in flashback and was all made possible by the crafty concealment of a gun in his modified shoe.

A charcoal drawing of his victim is found suggests that the killer leaves this artistic piece as a souvenir after every kill.

Due to his talent, Tommy labels him Picasso.

To save typing time, from now on I’ll refer to him as P.

Most people hate pain but he’s an animal who eats and drinks such a sensation.

The girl actually died from shock and her heart just suddenly stopped.

After smart ass Cross examines the drawing and notices a hidden message.  Let’s hot foot it to next target Nunemarcher.

They go to the apparently impenetrable building but when the water pressure begins to act strangely, suspicions are aroused that somebody dangerous is already in the building.

Emerging from a water pipe using a blow torch, P is foiled with his next hit attempt when Cross threatens lead poisoning; he is forced to place a large handgun on a table.

However, a grenade later allows an evasion but he is tagged in the arm by Tommy.

Ouch!

Whoops Mr. Cross, now that you've established eye contact, a new threat now exists...

Back at the cowboy’s ranch, P treats his wound by using medical accessories and with it, experiences pain.

Is he tougher than the Predator?  Even that ugly motherfucker howled when performing a self-repair job but this dude is largely unmoved.

He is ex Special Forces, he is a psychotic, narcissistic sociopath and very dangerous.

The real target is mega rich Mercier and after a meet with all concerned, his life might be hanging by a thread...

P retaliates by taking out Ashe which permanently cancels further ooh la la between her and Tommy.

During a restaurant scene, Cross is called by P and after a conversation involving his ‘floral tie’ and ‘pretty wife’, the opportunity is taken to fatally take her out with a high-powered sniper rifle.

To further assist his grief, another chat on the dog and bone sends him over the edge and decides to take the law which he obeys and respects, into his own hands.

He arranges for his loved ones to be taken to a secret place because he can’t risk a further absentee in the Cross family.

I've no idea which order this happens but whatever, these events occur.

Cross meets with a known criminal in a car dealer’s showroom and in exchange for a valuable gun and guaranteeing his niece’s freedom, the location of the chemist that’s providing P with his paralysing drug is spilled quicker than a clumsily placed glass of water.

They track this place down and after roughing the pharmacist up, CCTV reveals the VRN of P’s motor.

They also break into the Detroit PD and illegally access evidence to assist their objective.

I'm fairly sure we are back on track as we near the climax.

P boards a monorail and its computer is hacked to control the door opening mechanism.  He uses a bazooka to take out Mercier in an area which was earlier sealed off by the police.

Having achieved his mission, P escapes via a car in an underground parking lot but his freedom is short-lived as his getaway is interrupted by Cross and Tommy who cut him off with their vehicle.

P is clearly injured but flees to a nearby disused theatre.  Tommy is also not looking to hot but Cross is fine thanks to the activation of an airbag.

Armed and dangerous, Cross is naturally in hot pursuit and gives chase to the unarmed assailant.

After his shotgun is spent, his handgun is his final option but is disarmed by P from an elevated position.  During this tear up, we observe that this building is in need of a desperate restoration as it’s in a fragile condition...

P appears to have the upper hand but just before Cross knocks on Death’s Door, he correctly predicts that the pleasure in pain seeker won’t just kill him and seizes the moment to get his point across.

They both fall through the ceiling and with P holding on, that grip is quickly loosened and a car below feels little pain...

Tommy conveniently appears and helps Cross to safety.

It appears that’s Game Over man but there’s a final knot left to untie – Mercier.

Moneybags Mercier was P’s employer (remember the start before MMA) and flashback confirms this.

I suppose he could afford all those expensive guns and fancy tools due to performing hits for other billionaires.

Mercier is more crooked than a dog’s hind leg and guilty of embezzlement so out of panic, hired an assassin to eliminate all who knew of his dodgy dealings.

It’s obvious now that the bazooka only killed a hired double posing as him.

He’s contacted by Cross and it’s not about going for a pint.

Drugs have not been planted in soil and Cross has alerted to police to bust him...

I think his daughter gave him up in exchange for immunity as she’s a junkie.  The penalty for drug smuggling is rather severe as he looks forward to the firing squad.

When Blackadder went forth, Edmund got away with it...

Cross takes that irresistible offer from the FBI and hopes that Tommy will join him.

He is reunited with the rest of his family and that’s a rap.

This was a decent thriller and has some above average set pieces and genuine excitement.

The performances are largely the acting equivalent of Bambi on ice and the whole thing is suffocated by a fairly drab script and a perfunctory plot that stalls more than an over anxious learner driver.

Leon, er sorry, Mercier has certainly ballooned in all areas since his definite career high as revered cleaner and consider a controlled diet.

Unlike Godzilla, this was hardly a monster turn.

I did like the end fight between Cross and P because of the latter’s injury made it fairly realistic and even then, he nearly defeats Cross.  We all know that in normal circumstances, P would have snuffed him out quicker than a candle.

Okay, P’s error was very clichéd and although the reason for such a delay is obvious, he’s too sharp for any tool in the box to be so naive.

Fox should be given credit for not only looking the part but more for his believable and fairly psychotic performance as the charcoal drawing, pain obsessed professional assassin.

He’s best known for small screen hits Lost and Party of Five although some may also remember appearances in Smokin’ Aces and Vantage Point.

Like many that have gone before, it will be criticised when the book is mentioned in the same breath.

If this was a penalty shoot-out, Fox would still be the hero even if he stepped aside, smoked a cigarette and swigged a bottle of cheap vodka.

For all its faults, it’s never terrible but if I could reset the sands of time, a rental viewing was a better alternative.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Sega's video game adaptation is faithful to Die Hard. Err...

After a considerable time spent apart, it's time to reunite you with a developer, who obtained a licence and adapted a video game from it.

I previously explored Data East and Robocop so now I'm investigating Sega and Die Hard.


We all enjoyed the films with Bruce Willis portraying super cop John McClane as he successfully takes out various bad guys against all the odds.


He is the ultimate man in a vest.


Now what Sega did with this licence is unfathomable.  


The longplay video contains all the drugs that Sega were 'enjoying' with Die Hard Arcade.  Yes that's not 'The' Arcade.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7SCScKIvqE


This screen was synonymous with many arcades in the 90's and this was no different.  


It obvious that Sega didn't take any notice.

Here goes with the intro.


Er, which building?  Okay, we don't know but we all know already even if Sega won't tell us.


Hmmm, I buy the hostages part but is this as in Takagi's daughter or the President of the United States?  It’s obvious that Sega watched a different film.


They are missing the definition of 'repeat'...


Well absolutely charming.  It seems the priority is the President's daughter and the 30 hostages are expendable.

Now we stampede to the title screen.


Well what's wrong with this?  Well aesthetically nothing but look to the bottom.  It credits the correct years of which Die Hard and Die Hard with a Vengeance were released, 1988 and 1996 respectively but wait a minute, er what? 

I maybe among the minority but I thought Vengeance was released in 1995.

What a brilliant mistake.

Further to this, what happened to Die Hard 2?

Maybe they couldn't get the rights to include the 1990 sequel or thought it wasn't relevant.

Okay, this isn't supposed or meant to be Die Hard Trilogy because that existed on the PS1.

Anyway, it’s cool because this is purely based on the 1988 original so makes the year reference (even if it was right) to Vengeance absolutely fucking pointless.

That is of course redundant because everything that happens in this, happened in the film...

I hope you have something stronger than coffee because you're gonna need it.

Yippee-ki-yay [kimosabe]...

Some may remember that years ago when it was broadcast on ITV (way before ITV1, 2 etc existed), it was always amusingly edited (badly) with kimosabe instead of the now famous swear.

We begin terrorist busting.

During this short sequence at 44s, we see McClane and an unidentified female leap from a chopper.


Who invited this woman to the party and what’s McClane doing dressed in uniform?  He’s never seen in police clobber as that would ruin his hard man image.


Hey, look at the back to her jacket - she’s inadvertently advertising oxygen in reverse.


Watch at 49s to 52s and you’ll soon be asking why did a guy die twice?

The fashion sense of these ‘terrorist’ boys and girls is just woeful and freakily eccentric.

I’m sure we all remember McClane kicking seven bells and shooting women don’t we?

The animation for most of these sprites is just unintentionally humourous.

I’d bet the last bullet from my chamber that Willis wish he was able to exploit arsenal including brooms, fire extinguishers and rocket launchers.  That would make taking down all those bad guys so much easier.

The celluloid’s fantasy, but this is just fantastical.

The action begins almost immediately at 55s to 1m 48s including taking care of a hooker and among whirring fans.

These fights occur throughout and get even more ridiculous.

Of that hooker, I love those killer heels and that short purple dress is making me sweat.



Hey love, how much do you charge because if you've got the pixels, then I've got the energy?

We move onto 1m 49s which sees a caution and with it, a primitive QTE.  Yeah, Sega did this way before Shenmue because let's face it, most should admit that they first saw them in that classic...

During this QTE, watch a laughable launching kick and an ineffective replay trying to make the player believe it looks impressive.  At best, it’s awful.

At 2m 28s sees the entrance of a big dude.  Is that a helmet or is his head slapped with paint?


What the fuck is he doing at the start of this scrap?

Here’s where it immediately suggests Sega decided to throw authenticity out of the 30th floor of the Nakatomi window as 3m 01s clearly magnifies.

This must be the terrorist big cheese Hans.


This guy is never officially introduced but we are given little choice as to not think otherwise.

Check out his radio – it’s brilliant.  Did he lend it from Trigger Happy TV?

What the fuck right?  He looks more like an ancestor and/or descendant of Shun from Virtua Fighter 2.


“Where is the President’s daughter?”

His hammy voice acting further compounds the cheese.  Ha ha!

Look dumb ass, she’s closer to you than some asshole tailing you on a busy motorway.


You can also see a portrait in this office at 3m 08s.  Is it supposed to be Takagi with sudden alopecia wearing glasses?


Whoever it is, he won't be joining us for the rest of this life.

How did she get there?  Whatever right?

Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber and his reaction to his future char model.

Guten Tag?
That's not particularly funny now can you really tell me what this is about before I find you and ruin that nice suit...
Karl, is he shitting me or what?
I don't want neutral.  I want dead.
Bastard Kenwood radio.  You assholes, you shits.  You won't get away with this.
...........................
Hmmm, he's not a happy bunny and who could blame him?

Enjoy 3m 18s to 21s and witness a terrorist doing a Churchill dog impression and his drunk friend falling into a skip.  Look at his legs go.

Note that when our heroes appear, John has lost his blue coat as the man with a vest has finally arrived.

Be baffled as frog legs makes a miraculous recovery at 3m 31s.  Weird!

Another caution at 3m 49s and watch out for that fire engine as getting hit by it would be a right water disaster.

At 4m to 5m 07s, we’ve got a different problem with firemen as we’re clearly not home and hosed yet.  Watch the inspiration of Ryu and Ken at 4m 52s with a hurricane kick.

Look at this 'thing' between 5m 09s to 14s.


What kind of genetic experiment is this?  If it is human, I think death is a blessing in disguise...

We solider on to 5m 19s and interrupt a guy having a piss or ‘something else’ and at 48s, we presume this dude has just completed a dump.

This is priceless, a piss and then an unseen dump in the same area...

I hear you cry skinny sumo wrestlers?  You got it and this happens at 6m 08s.  What is his mate doing in the toilet before getting stuck in, grooming his hair?

False reality really bites us in the ass at 6m 36s until 7m 28s because we have to deal with kangaroo laser spewing robots.


Holy [pause] shit!


We are back with Hans and during 7m 32s until 45s, he’s losing his ancient temper.

“Police are moving in, now get to the lobby.”

He continues with “Why isn't that safe open yet?” and;

“Where is that girl?”

Er, still in the same place mate.

During this sequence, we observe ‘Theo’ attempting to crack open the vault.

I know you really want to see the angelic unfortunate of this kidnapping drama so here she is.


In fairness, I totally sympathise as I’d pull a face like that if I was forced to participate in this shit.

The police have turned on their own during 7m 05s to 9m 38s and they are happy to roll with it.  I suppose they are Oasis fans.

Almost immediately afterwards, we have to wipe the sweat off our brow as a scantily clad hottie in white with matching hat shows aggression.

Has this showgirl fallen on hard times and earning a few extra bucks?

After dodging a rocket, become part of another fight between 10m 33s until 12m 08s.

This time, another biological weapon is wearing an odd green mask in ice hockey body armour.


You will notice that during this scuffle that a large fish is kept in such a small aquarium.  I hope it's fed well and be transferred to a bigger container... very soon.

Cue Hans at 12m 13s to 30s as our man is going absolutely ape shit and we fear he may have a heart attack.

“What is taking you so long to get rid of those SWAT guys?”

Sigh!  I hate to break the toffee with the required hammer but McClane is in fact a cop from New York and not a member of Special Weapons and Tactics...

Smack that desk baby, smack it hard.

His fury is so great that with each slam, the walkie talkie bounces until it falls off.  That’s actually a nice effect and I’m being serious.

Whoops, there’s a different stray radio conveniently placed which is easily within her reach...

Hans’ mood is substantially brightened as we see Theo finally open the vault.



Okay, let’s use our imagination as Sega clearly did.  It brings a tear to your eye, not through sadness but during laughter.

To feel pure joy, elation and ecstasy watch from 12m 28s to 30s.

I've captured the very moment he seems to experience the ultimate sensation.



“Yes, ha ha ha!”

I’ll add to that, “Ho ho ho!”

Action switches to the roof at 12m 38s and a kinky afro and dangerous satellite dishes on rails are thrown in to the biscuit jar.  Admire McClane and his use of a flaming aerosol.



I know, this 70s throwback is an associate of Jones from Evoga’s Rage of the Dragons.



Okay, can somebody please tell me why McClane now suddenly has ripped trousers like he’s recently been rescued from a desert island?

Not forgetting the female, top totty has got rather hot all of a sudden with a pink tank top and a pair of shorts.

After another mechanical spider encounter at 13m 38s, we are shown Theo wheeling away the loot during 14m 21s to 31s.



For shits and giggles, what would Clarence Gilyard Jr. think of this?


WTF?
Of that randomer in green - what a trippy walk.

We now learn that the kidnapped has opened up and grabs (unseen) ‘that’ walkie talkie.

More rib-tickling animation at 14m 34s to 36s as what the Frak is that guy in yellow playing at on the table?  It’s hardly the most appropriate time to do some stretching exercises.

On the other hand, the man in red is chilling on two correctly positioned chairs.  Yeah, it looks plausible.  

More shit at 15m 10s to 58s sees an overweight salad dodger and his sumo friend.

The next cut scene appears at 16m to 10s and hush everybody as John and the President’s daughter are having an indiscreet chat on the radio but oh no, it’s a disaster because the kidnapper is listening to this open frequency...

“So the cat has” (?) what?  Say again, over?

I can’t fucking understand it, can you?

Forgive me but it sounds like ‘found the bounce’.  Surely not but who knows?

Let’s trot on to the President’s office.

Dodging elevators (16m 14s to 35s) and sugar dummies, she’s been found.

After emerging from a vent, look at those crazies at 16m 48s...

At 17m 58s, we've probably already seen it but whatever; at least they got the Nakatomi symbol correct (apart from the colour)...

18m 57s now and mama mia, this guy is packing some canisters and he entertains us further with more movement amusement.  What is he doing up until 19m 01s?

It seems this teases a conclusion at 19m 53s.

“This whole building will explode in 5 minutes.”

Shit!

“But you won’t get to see it anyway ha ha ha.”

We see he’s a keen golfer at 20m 08s and yeah, during this encounter he seems to be summoning drawers from the wall.  Also, don’t miss his martial arts.

Really?  Yeah really!

You thought it was over but not quite as without a word and without any prevention, he steals the girl and legs it.

Before making his escape in the lift, at 22m 31s to 33s he really does call you wankers.  It’s unbelievable.

Awww, we never did get to find out who that guy in the picture frame was.

Here’s Johnny Castaway, his island fluff and a handy ladder.



Yup, we’re going to the roof.

It’s Hans' turn to have a change of look now.



Where he got the sword and his alternative use for a quiver remains forever unexplained.  I guess he stashed it on the roof knowing that this would happen.  Why is the girl in the corner?  I give in.

“Damn you!”

That helicopter isn't doing us any favours and the pilot just seems happy to circle.

Would it have broken the asshole’s heart to shoot the bad guy or throw some weapon down to help you out?

Feel the action at 22m 40s and watch as a flurry of swords are thrown.  He finally yields at 24m 41s.

She gives thanks at 22m 46s and after more incomprehensible bullshit about ‘a bodyguard’, it now turns into a pseudo one on one fighting game with the sadistic bitch egging you on in the background.

Who wants it more?  Players decide.

Incidentally, during 2P in Streets of Rage, the end boss asks if you want to become his right-hand man.  If one says ‘yes’ and the other says ‘no’, you have to fight the other to prove loyalty to your new boss.

In this case, the female wins and it leaves McClane throwing a paddy on the floor.

So whoever ends up the loser is left to rot on the roof.  Great right?

If you battled your way through in 1P, you automatically make your escape in that ‘helpful’ chopper.

The mirror image credits roll and that is indeed that.

Sega basically took a major film licence, the mechanics of Virtua Fighter, mixed them together and created one unhealthy shit sandwich.

It’s another case of what the fuck happened here?

Apart from very small crumbs of actual events i.e. the vault, McClane and Nakatomi, everything else is beyond reason.

Like I say, Hans is never officially introduced and you can only assume.  Hang on a mo, it's the same with McClane... and that woman. 

The premise involving the President’s daughter is bollocks too.

Did you miss the 30 hostages spill out of this building and/or get rescued because I certainly did.

Where’s Holly?  Where’s Karl?  Where is my head?  Well after this mind fuck – up my ass.

I plan a final act of insanity on this subject matter and no clues are given as to who or what it will be.

As we are fast approaching Christmas, consider this a stocking filler as the other is unlikely to appear until the New Year.

Yippee-ki-yay [censored]!
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