If this isn't variety - you're vociferously the greatest denier! Ud 29/03/14

Before you get stuck into my latest instalment, here’s the answer to the teaser I previously set asking you how you can associate the Neo Geo with the Amiga?

The answer is a number, for it is a number of colours and that number is 4096.

Give yourself a pat on the back if you came up with that but for the benefit of those that didn't, I’ll spill the reasons behind this two part solution.

The Neo Geo is capable of displaying this amount of colours at any one time and finally, this is also the Amiga’s palette.

I suppose you could say this is a different type of crossover…

Now on with show, I’m so glad you can be here to soak up the exquisite atmosphere.

The Futureheads warned the neighbours to either Stop the Noise of they’re calling the appropriate authorities.  Stop the Clocks is a greatest hits album from Oasis and a Noel Gallagher track.

Phil Taylor has recently just won his sixteenth world title at the Ally Pally so The Power is On.  The Go! Team must like their darts.

Look Back in Anger is a 1959 film which was based on a play and Oasis urge Don’t Look Back in Anger in their shoplifting of the piano intro from Imagine…

Blood Snow and Dead Snow boast being different types of film.  The latter combines the gross-out humour of Evil Dead as the Nazi undead wreak havoc.

I had to sell a Kidney to afford a Beak> album.

Palisades are tracks by The Wedding Present and Puressence.  Pacific Heights is a 1990 Michael Keaton thriller where he portrays an unstable and dangerous tenant and Pacific Rim is an upcoming and excellent looking Guillermo del Toro sci-fi robots vs aliens effort with Ellen McLain providing voice talent.  Her yap sounds identical to GLaDOS which suggests this was done on purpose.  It appears that her interests extend beyond testing, science and cake...

To settle up, Pacific Palisades and Pacific Theme are tracks by Ash and Broken Social Scene

Mermaid is a track by The Imagined Village and Mermaids are songs by Paul Weller and I am Kloot.

Low produced yet another Stellar performance.

My Favourite Game and My Favourite Dress are songs by The Cardigans and The Wedding Present respectively.

The Gauntlet is a 1977 Clint Eastwood film and Run the Gauntlet was a 1989 Ocean game.

When you think of The Wizard of Oz, you’d immediately picture Judy Garland, a cowardly lion, flying monkeys and a custard coloured road.  The water used to seal the fate of that nasty witch was commissioned by Flyleaf as the young and old have watched her Melting.

Bjork is keen to observe Human Behaviour.

Eyes like Candles and Candles are tracks by Passion Pit and Beth Orton respectively.

Shinedown were arrested for an unknown crime and taken in for questioning.  As each member was grilled, the police weren't particularly impressed with their explanation because of unconvincing alibis and bungled answers.  The case was dropped due to insufficient evidence but to save such hassle, you’d think that they’d come up with a Better Version of events wouldn't you?

Stutter are tracks by Elastica and Yuck while Shutter is a 2004 Thai horror.  Most will know and/or have seen the 2008 American remake.

Low are On the Edge Of a cliff.  I’m sure it’s for inspiration only.

People may watch the End Credits to any film for any number of reasons, The Wedding Present take a different approach.

Creed were spotted driving the Wrong Way down a street.  They can’t help it, it’s like an addiction.

Drak and Frak! are both 80s computer games.

Black Book is a 2006 film and Black Books is a C4 sitcom.

From my Perspective, I see Peter Gabriel in a different light.

Rust and Bone is a 2012 French drama based on a collection of short stories and Flesh and Bone can be a 1993 film and/or track by The Killers

Love Love and Love Love Love are tracks by Pulp and Of Monsters of Men respectively.

If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next and How Much Longer Must We Tolerate Mass Culture are songs by Manic Street Preachers and New Fast Automatic Daffodils respectively.

It’s very important that you Don’t Break the Red Tape as that pleasure is reserved for The Enemy.

I listened to The Cardigans and it’s not what I expected.  Well, I suppose you Live and Learn.

Purely out of Curiosity, I slammed Iggy Pop on.

You've heard of the expression ‘jog on’ well Moby decided to Run On.

You’re My Best Friend and She’s My Best Friend are tracks by Queen, Lou Reed and The Wedding Present respectively.

Maximum Overdrive is both a track by 2 Unlimited and 1986 Stephen King film and Maximum Force was a 1997 Atari lightgun arcade game using the same principal that Area 51 employed of digitised video.

Force One is a virtually unknown 1987 Firebird shooting game, Air Force One is a 1997 action thriller starring Harrison Ford, Glenn Close and Gary Oldman.

Shinedown are facing some harsh times as they can be heard Crying Out for help.

It’s pretty difficult to resist Anberlin, in fact it’s Impossible.

Chocolat and Chocolate are both unrelated films released in 2000 and 2008 respectively.  The former is based on a novel starring Johnny Depp and Judi Dench and the latter being a Thai martial arts thriller.

White Hills and music go Hand in Hand.

Lifehouse benefited from a Near Life Experience.

Instead of drinking my life away, I thought it better to be Dreaming my Life Away; just like Best Coast.

I guess that Theory of a Deadman are just Not Meant to Be.

To start things off, A Shadow's Tale is an intriguing Wii title as you play the shadow of a young boy and makes for some interesting gameplay elements.

Shadow of the Beast and Shadow of the Colossus are both famous video games for different reasons. Shadow of the Damned is a 2011 effort, Shadow of the Ninja is a decent 1990 NES game which is basically Contra and Ninja Gaiden rolled into one.

Shadow of the Sword is a film which tells the legend of the headsman and Shadow of the Vampire looks at the filming of Nosferatu with Willem Dafoe and John Malkovich playing the vampire and director FW Murnau respectively.

Finally, Shadow of the Season is a track by Screaming Trees.

I don’t care what you say; I have No Intention in giving Dirty Projectors a bash.

After Burner is an influential and classic 1987 Sega arcade and Afterburner is a song by Panda Bear.

Rainbow watch globally with Eyes of the World, Richard Ashcroft found Keys to the World and The Go! Team were handed Keys to the City.

I am in No Doubt that I will at some point be treated like a Doormat.

We have been part of a digital revolution for many years and meanwhile, Deftones take a soak in their Digital Bath.

Actress apparently practice Extreme Cunnilingus.  It’s enough to get any woman excited…

Green Grass and Green Heart are tracks by I am Arrows and Flyleaf respectively.

C Minor, D Minor, F Minor or E Minor?  Other Lives prefer the fifth letter of the alphabet.

Dog is Dead are confident they can mimic Any Movement and White Hills have literally become Movement.

Mouthwash caused pandemonium with the local radio station as like them, they were Competing for Frequency.

I was pulling my hair out trying to find a Chairlift album the other day and noticing my frustration, somebody pointed out that it's bound to be Somewhere Around Here.  I heaped praise on the advice as sure enough, there it was in a typically conspicuous place.

Press Corps is a song by Japandroids and Blast Corps is a 1997 video game.

Resurrection Man and Resurrection County are films released in 1998 and 2008 respectively.  Resurrection Fern is a track by Iron & Wine.

The Cat in the Hat is a series of famous books by Dr. Seuss and Kat ‘n’ Hat is a track by Sonic Youth.

Book of Stories is a song by The Drums and Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 is a terrible sequel to the decent original.

I entered a war of Attrition with Soundgarden.

What Did Your Last Servant Die Of vs what did your last slave die of?  The Wedding Present it seems aren't an expression but instead, a tune.

I am going to see Skunk Anansie in concert next week.  Okay I’m not, but I Can Dream.

Fiona Apple goes through you like a Hot Knife cutting butter.

Monster Brawl is quite frankly a 2012 ludicrous film where famous monsters fight each other to the death and Soccer Brawl is SNK’s take on futuristic football.

Stupid Girl and Stupid Girls are tracks by Garbage and Pink respectively.  Lou Reed knew a Stupid Man.

The Wedding Present were again part of another Blonde moment.

Beach House and The Magnetic Fields host a boring African adventure as you’ll only see a lonely Zebra.

If you think you’ve lost or dropped something, I’d suggest to Retrace your steps.  This is the advice of Anberlin.

After dodging a conversation for x amount of time, I finally had Daughtry cornered with the words of What About Now.

I was the butt of some childish practical joke so I asked who the Ticket Taker was.  “Er, don’t you mean the piss taker?” a confused voice asked.  Assuming it was a rhetorical question, I made certain by referring to The Low Anthem.

Here’s a novel idea, I want to throw a Party in the Sky.  Sounds great right, but there is a problem as Inspiral Carpets are difficult to hire.

I’m thankful that Field Music is not a manager of a sport as they are useless at Choosing Sides.

Pinball Wizard, Energy Wizard, Dirt Wizard and Rain Wizard are songs by The Who, Squarepusher, Red Fang and Black Stone Cherry respectively.

I was bored so I decided to build My Own Prison out of Creed albums.

Before You Close Your Eyes, I can guarantee that the last thing you’ll see is Tindersticks.

The Glimmer Man is an awful 1996 Steven Segal film, Maccabees offer a Glimmer of hope and Aqualung simply Glimmer.

Much to the disgust of others, Crystal Castles were caught rifling Through the Hosiery.

I’m Not Sorry that I was caught listening to The Pigeon Detectives.

Denaris and Denarius are games that have never been ‘confused’ with each other…

I’ve spent several nights with Snow Patrol because One Night is Not Enough and One More Night with Maroon 5 will send me insane.

Super Furry Animals share something with Vin Diesel from 2000 movie Pitch Black.  They both boast Night Vision.

Confession and Confessions are tracks by Theory of a Deadman and We Are the Ocean respectively.

At a celebrity wedding hosted by Eels, the Guest List was pretty minimal.

I’ll find a way to cross the huge Chasm that’s spanning between me and Flyleaf.

I really do believe that when it comes to Weezer, the Possibilities are endless.

Vow is a track by Garbage and The Vow is a 2012 film.

X marks the spot for System of a Down and The XX is a band.

I decided to play a Super Furry Animals album the other day and I found something odd.  It was not gathering dust, but Gathering Moss.

If at First you don’t like Lucy Rose, why not perservere?

I was Up All Night listening to Hinder and Best Coast.  While my beauty sleep suffered, it was worth it.

The Grey is a 2011 Liam Neeson film and The Greys is a song by Frightened Rabbit.

The Beatles are Getting Better and New Fast Automatic Daffodils will Get Better.

Did I tell you about Me & Lazurus?  Sorry, I haven’t got time at the moment but contact Iron & Wine and I’m sure they’ll be happy to fill you in.

Low are condemned to suffer In Silence.

Marble Madness and Mermaid Madness are video games released in 1984 and 1986 respectively.

A so-called Firewall can be associated with securing networks and Firefox is an internet search engine.  You will also find they are both films released in 2006 and 1982 respectively.

If the Ghost Train isn’t working, Counting Crows will attempt to fix it themselves.

’69 and Death Valley ’69 are tracks by Deep Purple and Sonic Youth respectively.

Are Chairlift as cool as a cucumber?  Nope, they are as Cool as a Fire.

Pulp is invited to My Lighthouse any day of the week.

State of Emergency is a 2002 video game, Russell Crowe and Ben Affleck play politics in 2009 thriller State of Play (adapted from a John Simm television series) and State of Grace are tracks by Beth Orton and Hot Water Music.

I want you to think hard and Concentrate.  After a few moments, I know what you’re thinking…

It was The Czars, right?  Wow, all without the need of a clairvoyant too.

The walls are crashing All Around Me and Flyleaf.

I wish Passion Pit would shut up as they won’t cease having Constant Conversations.

Universal Soldier is a 1992 Van Damme vs Dolph Lundgren sci-fi action goodie, The Go! Team voice Universal Speech and Universal Cinema is a song from Gaz Coombes Presents.  The Universal is probably the best track that Blur released.

Soft and Limp are songs by Kings of Leon and Fiona Apple respectively.

Tindersticks have made it their solitary aim to Keep You Beautiful.

James Morrison is going Up and Anberlin are moving Down a level.

Hallowe’en is a track by Sonic Youth and Lou Reed marched in a Halloween Parade.

Demons Never Die is a 2011 teen horror with Tulisa making her acting debut and Never Die is a track by Creed.

I thought I’d seen it all but the other day, I found a Tiger in my Tank.  After coaxing it out with fresh meat and getting my breath back, I found a strange square object inside.  It was an Eels CD.

The Wonder Years is an American comedy series and Wonder Years is a Real Estate song.

The first Rush Hour starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker was released in 1998 and Rush Minute is a Massive Attack song.  Rush Hour Soul is a song by Supergrass.

The Sound of Life Today is different to what it was yesterday.  It’s amazing how Super Furry Animals can partly inspire a unique expression…

It appears I have to dance to This Old Routine again.  I’m not complaining about demonstrating rhythmic movements of First Aid Kit, but it is getting a bit too familiar.

A wedding ceremony usually consists of a groom, witnesses, a priest, a Beautiful Bride and a Flyleaf album.

Nathan Lake was made to Rue so many missed chances.

Teenage Fanclub must struggle to get their washing dry as Dark Clouds hover above and Massive Attack will Pray for Rain.

Apart from a popularised expression, White Van Man is a BBC sitcom starring Will Mellor.  White Tooth Man is a song by Iron & Wine.

When playing a game of football, The Imagined Village are said to cover Acres of Ground.

A wound can be described as Lacerated and it’s always correct to assume that Shinedown were somehow involved.

If Keane has left you angry and/or upset, it’s best to Put It Behind You.

I Remember a band, and it’s Low.

Chapterhouse have taken a Breather from the music scene.

If I’ve Been Unkind, then I apologise.  I really must stop making excuses for Lanterns on the Lake.

Life seems to pass Panda Bear by in Slow Motion.

Hot Chip better be Careful or I won’t be held responsible.

The Wrath of Khan is the subtitle to 1982 sequel Star Trek II.  The Go! Team felt The Wrath of Marcie.

Washing machines are rumoured to live longer with Calgon and Calgone is a track by Incubus.

Shinedown were Lost in the Crowd and Faces in the Crowd is a 2011 Milla Jovovich thriller.

Trading Places is a famous 1983 John Landis satire and Going Places is a song by Teenage Fanclub.

Don’t Speak, just listen to No Doubt.

Inhabited and Uninhabited are both unrelated films.

Do you know what the Funniest Thing is about Supergrass?  Hmmm, I’ll get back to you on that.

Just in case You Don’t Understand Me, slam The Raconteurs on.

C’mon Nirvana, don’t spin me a yarn as You Know You’re Right and The Pigeon Detectives apparently state perfection as I’m Always Right.

Levellers doubted Is This Art? and Teenage Fanclub questioned Is This Music?

Theory of a Deadman?  I wouldn’t have it Any Other Way.

Inside Us All, a bit of Creed exists.

Charlie Brown and Charlie Boy are songs by Coldplay and The Lumineers respectively.

White Hills are on A Need to Know basis and you don’t need to know.

Cool Water and Cool Cool Water are songs by Talking Heads and Ocean Colour Scene respectively.

You can’t take Screaming Trees away from me because it’s All I Know.

Mouthwash offer My Kind of Love.

The Final and Finale are both films.

El Scorcho, El Salvador, El Hard Attack Dcwyw, El Macho and El Picador are songs by Weezer, Athlete, White Denim, Mark Knopfler and Calexico respectively.

Yes are tracks by Coldplay, Manic Street Preachers and Sebastian.  I personally say No to The Wedding Present.

Is there Something More Beautiful than Beth Orton?  The debate still rages on…

I know that you can Take Your Time over things but Low have taken it to a whole new level.

New Fast Automatic Daffodils have a set of Fishes Eyes, Deftones sparkle with Diamond Eyes and Super Furry Animals see things through Moped Eyes.

Personally, I think a blind date can be an exciting prospect.  I wonder how The Wedding Present got on with their Mystery Date?

Pet Sematary is a 1983 Stephen King novel and was later adapted as a film in 1989, Pet Rock is a song by Teenage Fanclub and Pet Sounds is a famous album from The Beach Boys.

Even if Anberlin cause upset and distress, they have your best Intentions at heart.

All rise as The Court of King Arthur is now in session.  Gruff Rhys, you may proceed.

The Who by Numbers is an album by The Who and The Go! Team tend to Feelgood by Numbers.  There is no typo…

Mansun wore rubber gloves while shaking hands with an Electric Man, Band of Horses belted out Electric Music, Eddie Grant rocked down to Electric Avenue, Solarstone made Electric Love, MGMT have that Electric Feel, Grinderman knew Electric Alice and Jamiroquai took orders from an Electric Mistress.

Manic Street Preachers are stuck with The Everlasting and The Smashing Pumpkins stare using The Everlasting Gaze.

I often listen to Pulp when doing the Dishes.

Goldfrapp were rushed to A&E.

I’m telling you, Flyleaf were standing This Close to me.

If I ever become unstable, I’ll visit the Lunacy Booth provided by Therapy?

Sonic Youth like nothing better to use their Washing Machine.

National Anthem and The National Anthem are songs by The Gaslight Anthem and Lana Del Rey and Radiohead respectively.

Animal Collective always Taste their food before swallowing it.

Hinder promise that The Best is Yet to Come and Red insist that Best is Yet to Come.  Yes, they are different titles.

Fleshworld and Lemonworld are tracks by The Wedding Present and The National respectively.

This is a special song dedicated In Memory of Shinedown.

This is another one of those things but completely true.  Out of this World was a 1987 action game and also an alternative name for Delphine classic Another World on the SNES.

Sleeper always recommend to Swallow your food and Crystal Castles asked Tell Me What to Swallow.

Hmmm, about that Crystal Castles song – your taste buds may never forgive you…

Fans of Owl City will eventually suffer from Dementia.

Did you hear about Flyleaf?  No, me neither because I’m still In the Dark too.

The Kind and The Fourth Kind is a track by Flyleaf and a 2009 movie respectively.

Theory of a Deadman made such an important Sacrifice.

I’m so Sick and I’m so Tired are tracks by Flyleaf and The Beatles respectively.

Monster Dash and Panther Dash are tracks by I am Arrows and The Go! Team respectively.

It’s possible to slow your heart down but Future of Forestry manage to Slow Your Breath Down.

If a gent and a lady are getting serious, the gent may say Girl I Love You so how about getting crazy and Live With Me.  I bet he had Massive Attack on his mind.

If you’re Seeing Things, it’s a safe bet you are hallucinating.  What’s a safer bet is that Zero 7 are involved.

Gregory’s Girl is a famous 1981 British coming of age comedy drama and Charley’s Girl is a track by Lou Reed.

Get Back and Let’s Get Back are tracks by The Beatles and No Doubt respectively.

Gimme Sympathy and Gimme Shelter are songs by Metric and The Rolling Stones respectively.

Hot Chip are awake Night and Day and Knight and Day is a 2010 film starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is IMHO a fairly terrible horror film and Don’t Be So Afraid is track by The Wedding Present.

I’m begging you, Don’t Let Them take me away because I’ve seen Other Lives before and that is not a life that I wish to become part of again.

I really hope that The Wedding Present are impressed by my Hot Pants.

How Far will you go to meet Beth Orton?

Against all odds, I Found a Way to somehow listen to First Aid Kit.

There is no point attempting to rescue Anberlin as they have been thrown To the Wolves.

I was Fifteen when I first heard Standard Fare.

The Pigeon Detectives really Don’t Know How to Say Goodbye.  This is just a tip, try waving perhaps.

They say that when somebody is in great danger that their life is hanging by a thread.  Lifehouse took a different view as they were Hanging by a Moment.

Echo & the Bunnymen helped me out in a dire situation.  After thanking them, they replied It Was a Pleasure.

We Are What We Are and What If We Are? is a 2010 Mexican horror and a track by Echo & the Bunnymen respectively.

I did feel sorry for Shinedown as they seem to be Left Out of every event.

Squarepusher are a mix of Red in Blue.

Girlfriend and Boyfriend are tracks by Avril Lavigne and Best Coast respectively.

An earlier track from Super Furry Animals is now finally available for Download.

When I Dream of Michelangelo, I immediately imagine Counting Crows.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring this performance to a conclusion.

The next encore more anticipated than the unexpected reforming of some pop group is in production and will appear when ready.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey - The scoop and digest

First of all, Happy New Year!

Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings’ trilogy is overall nothing short of stunning, even though IMHO that each adaptation of each novel worsens.

The imagination of Tolkien’s universe was expertly translated and captured the fantastic setting of Middle Earth.

A Troll, Wizard, Orc or Balrog would be happy to inhabit such surroundings.

For this latest epic, events in The Hobbit happened prior to LOTR and a marathon prequel was inevitable and sure enough, shortly before we waved goodbye to 2012, the focus shifts to Bilbo Baggins.

Jackson’s adaptation of The Hobbit will be told in three parts.

What the shire right?

This was the shortest novel of the lot so how a trilogy can be justified is beyond me.

Can fans imagine if Fellowship, Towers and King were also told in multiples?

Fellowship – 2001-2004,

Towers – 2005-2007; and

King – 2008-2011

It’s ironic really that if Jackson chose the above madness, we’d be bang up to date as each film (with this been no different) are released annually.

Whatever, I reckon not even the most die-hard fan would have welcomed a decade to complete three novels; let alone the total running time of about 27 hours.

We already know the future, so let’s concentrate on the past.

Plot details and/or spoilers will be divulged my precious.

Those walking, talking, running and occasionally prone to danger include:

Ian McKellen – Gandalf

Martin Freeman – Bilbo

Christopher Lee – Saruman

Andy Serkis - Gollum

Richard Armitage – Thorin

James Nesbitt - Bofur

Hugo Weaving – Elrond

Cate Blanchett – Galadriel

Ken Stott – Balin

Ian Holm reprises his role as Bilbo (60 years hence) and recalls his adventure by pouring his mind onto paper for his dearest nephew Frodo (Elijah Wood).

In flashback we see the mighty dwarf Thror becoming King of Erebor and how the kingdom thrived until the pesky involvement of ultimate dragon Smaug.

The flying furnace infiltrated his gaf, drove them out and snaffled their hoard of gold.

Humph, how inconsiderate.

We also see that Chief Orc Azog is deprived of his arm in a battle with Thorin.  Elves scarpered rather than helped out and  his grandson, Thorin hasn't forgiven them for their cowardly and selfish act.

60 years earlier...

I will be as brief as possible, doing my damndest to detail the build-up and make it sound more exciting than it actually is.

Gandalf is greeted by young Hobbit Bilbo Baggins and a party is thrown at his humble abode.

It is later mentioned that Gandalf the Grey is one of five wizards, the others being Saruman the White and Radagast the Brown.

Gandalf can’t remember the names of the other two.

Eventually thirteen dwarves show up (including big cheese Thorin) and literally eat Bilbo out of house and home.

They even make time for a merry song with a novel way of doing the pots.

Gandalf volunteers the fourteenth helper in their journey and with it, a burglar in Bilbo.

The wise old wizard says that he will further assist because Orcs and Goblins are not used to the smell of Hobbits which can only be handy.

Despite the temptation of such an adventure, Bilbo isn't too keen to leave his armchair, books and garden and is left to sleep on it.

In the morning, he sees the unfinished contract and like a giddy schoolboy, he happily announces to residents of The Shire that ‘he’s going on an adventure’.

He catches up with the dwarves and Gandalf who are on horseback on their way to Lonely Mountain.

There is some idle jest about a possible Orc attack that Thorin isn't particularly enamoured with.

Dwarves and Orcs get on about as well with one another as the Belmonts do with Dracula.

During a night in the forest, we see mountain trolls steal their transport for a tasty meal.

Tom, Bert and Bill earlier received elocution lessons at the Queen Vic and are half-witted idiots.  I know this is supposed to be a comedic turn but the accent idea is even dumber than their IQ as one seems to get clobbered with a kitchen utensil once too often.

Bilbo goes to reclaim the equine creatures but predictably is caught; he’s even used as a troll handkerchief...

His merry bunch is also no use as they are bagged ready for an unexpected and alternative meal.

After some unfunny stalling, dawn is fast approaching and with it a troll’s ultimate enemy - sunlight.

Gandalf appears and using his sturdy staff, breaks a huge boulder and lets the sunshine pour like wine and brings the same result to each of the trolls as a Medusa stare.

Hooray, we move on.

The fourteen strong stumble upon and search a troll cave full of bangles and baubles.  The most interesting find are Elven blades and one is given to Bilbo which he reluctantly accepts.

We are told because this sword was forged by Elves; it will glow blue if Orcs and/or Goblins are in range.

Radagast warn the group of a necromancer, who earlier warded off virtually unseen and inevitable future giant arachnid baddie Shelob...

Of this odd wizard, Radagast is pulled along on a sleigh by rabbits.  Yeah, WTF right?

Anyway, action is threatened as Radagast proudly boasts that these turbo-charged bunnies can easily outrun Orcs on ‘Wargback’ so acts as a decoy.

Things are getting a bit hairy but Elf warriors intervene and slay the danger.  Azog, now displaying an iron spike thing as a makeshift arm describes dwarves (obviously in subtitles) as ‘dwarf-scum’.

I've no idea why that insult is hyphenated but whatever.

Do you know who or what I immediately thought of?

Well if you didn't, how about Calibos from the 1981 original Clash of the Titans because he loses, okay his hand and not arm to Perseus, but like Azog, seemed to choose a similar trident like replacement.

Hey, this is major coincidence but Calibos also kills somebody in the same way as Azog does, albeit for different reasons.

In Clash, during the brilliant scorpion scene, Calibos is a sadistic bastard as he literally stabs somebody in the back.  Azog on the other hand proves his ruthlessness by giving an Orc the point when learning of his cohort’s failure by allowing the dwarves to escape.

Getting back on track, we trudge to Rivendell which is the home of Lord Elrond and Gandalf wastes time with the White Council consisting of Saruman and Galadriel.

The point of this is that despite Thorin’s bitterness which is still fresher than the bite of a lemon, he hands the map over to Elrond so he can decipher the Runes and reveals that a secret door will only appear when specific conditions are met, i.e. Durin’s Day.

Misty Mountains occupied by Stone Giants are up next and get yer' rocks out, get yer' rocks out honey.

The gang are forced to deal with avalanches of debris and other clichéd near misses.

We all know that Bilbo and co won’t and can’t fall to their death so what is the point?

This encounter hoped to encourage awe but in truth, more like bore.

Trust me, something out of God of War or Shadow of the Collosus is far more epic.

Oh well, they take refuge inside and our man Bilbo is about to head back and is wished luck by ‘one’ of the thirteen dwarves.  However, his sword starts to glow blue which means uh-oh, Orc or Goblin alert.  I guess Jackson flipped a coin so it’s the latter.

I cannot be sure how these next two scenes are amalgamated and which order the following actually happen but I’ll do my best to fuse both together.

They fall into Goblin territory and all are captured apart from Bilbo as his scent is not picked up by the ugly looking critters.

Goblin City is dominated by rope bridges and other primitive surroundings.  It does look rather splendid.

They are taken to the Great Goblin who has an unsightly and ghastly looking tumour dangling from his chin.  David Bowie was tempted but refused the part due to reasons unknown.

I know he was called the Goblin King...

He’s a decent CGI creation but as we've now seen so many through the years, if has to be really good to impress me.

Meanwhile, Bilbo is attacked by a Goblin and they both fall into a cave.

Hidden amongst fungus, Bilbo watches as a familiar and very welcome crawler is introduced as Gollum drags away the apparently dead Goblin for his supper.

However, it wouldn't make a particularly convincing corpse dead and during a brief scuffle, a ring falls from his pouch and/or rag covering his modesty in the process of doing so.

Hmmmm, I wonder what that could be?

Like Bilbo, let’s pretend we really don’t know and he takes his opportunity to acquire this mysterious trinket...

In a nearby cave, Gollum and Bilbo play a riddle game with the prize of escape or meal for the winner or loser respectively.

When Gollum realises that the ring was actually stolen, that really pisses him off so reacts by attacking and gives chase.

Back with all things Goblin, Gandalf appears and unleashes a nuke which sends a ripple or two in this duck pond.

The bearded wizard has saved the day again and takes out tumour chin.

I think one of the dwarfs swat many aside causing them to fall into the chasm below.

Getting back to Bilbo...

In a curious twist of fate, the ring is tossed in the air and Bilbo catches it on his finger.  He soon discovers that the wearer is granted invisibility which he happily exploits to evade his wound up pursuer.

We see things through his eyes as his vision is distorted and in monochrome.

Gollum is getting increasingly desperate and looks near to ending it all.

Bilbo considers helping him do just that with his pointy stick but takes pity on him and makes his escape.

It’s just a hunch but I reckon we haven’t seen the last of him.

Gandalf and co have already legged it and our protagonist is eager to rejoin them.

Now we approach the end of this Part...

The dwarves are bitching about Bilbo and are convinced he has deserted.

Those who doubted are quickly made to eat their words as the now visible Bilbo appears.

Their reunion is rudely interrupted by Azog, Wargs and his cronies.

Quick lads, make haste to the trees. 

Gandalf makes his staff create a burning sensation and he and his gang use it to ignite acorns which they throw down to terrify the Wargs because no matter how big and ugly an animal is, fire terrifies most.

He also calls in a favour from his feathered friends; yes he gets by with a little help from his friends.

Thorin decides to take on Azog, Dwarf to Orc and avenge his father’s death but is ultimately unsuccessful.

Giant eagles swoop and take control of the situation leaving Azog seething with rage and frustration.

Unused subtitle – “Grrr, dwarf-scum have escaped again but I’ll get you next time Thorin, next time!”

[Insert bad-tempered cat shriek here].

Anyway, each enjoy an eagle ride and when Thorin is set down, good old Gandalf revives him and clearly in a good mood, he acknowledges Bilbo for his efforts during this slice of pie.

The closing scene sees an envious amount of treasure and buried underneath is Smaug.  His giant eye dominates the canvas and the credits roll.

I really did mean what I said because it is pretty boring.  There are some above average action scenes but they are scattered about like a bag of shredded paper.

The rabbit pulled sleigh is just stupid and the duelling stone giants were a right, royal waste of time.

There is just too much gabbing, not enough action and the script while okay, needed a bit of wizardry too.

Of course there has to be chat for the story to develop, (LOTR obviously wasn’t shy of a line or two) but that remained more involving.

I mentioned the awful and unnecessary script bite by Albert Finney as Kincade in Skyfall when he says “Welcome to Scotland!”

Well, it’s not as bad but the Great Goblin has a go at outdoing the crusty gamekeeper as before dying, he comes up with something like “That should do it” or “That’ll do it” as a reaction to Gandalf’s blade.

It’s also too long with a running time of about 2h 40.

To me, there’s a golden rule that must be followed for any film threatening nearly three hours - it must hold your attention and not force glances at your watch.  If you do that with any film, you must be hoping that the end is not too far away.

Pirates of the Caribbean anybody?

It’s not all bad as it does look spectacular boasting fantastic scenery, some wonderful effects and the scenes flow better than the average river.

If Gollum looked brilliant before, he now looks incredible.  Andy Serkis is again faultless providing his voice talent and facial expressions.  Oh, those eyes are still big and beautiful.

For the other CGI creations, lip syncing had to be perfect and it doesn’t disappoint.

McKellen puffs on his pipe and clutches his staff and apart from learning a different script, this is all in a wizard’s work for a true professional.

The dwarves are okay and quirky enough but no performance by any stand out.

The role is too much for Martin Freeman and while he tries his hairy foot off, this is The Office, err feat too far.

He’s watchable enough and injects some humour but wrong choice for me.

Okay, Wood isn’t the world’s greatest actor but nevertheless, he made a very good Frodo.  Well whether you’re a fan or not, we’re stuck with Mr Freeman.

Aficionados will naturally compare silver screen events to the novel and be even quicker to point out the many inaccuracies and bollocks.

If Tolkien was still with us, I wonder what he’d make of this and the LOTR trilogy?

Would he wax lyrical or be hyper critical?  To be generous, maybe a bit of both.

This is one of those films that despite what you've heard, it’s obligatory that it must be seen on the big screen.

I suppose for the millions who paid their admission fee, they like I are duty bound to stick with it like a stubborn stain on your favourite shirt until its conclusion in 2014.

The Desolation of Smaug is up next and surely it will be more stimulating.

No pressure then Mr Jackson.