'Super' Back to the Future Part II

Back to the Future Day was actually 22 October in the UK.

This is because the DeLorean materialised 4.29pm PDT (0.29am BST).

Old news I know, but even so...

To counter Keith Lemon's terrible Back t'Future tribute, my analysis of Invictus's Super Famicom obscurity is certain to generate 1.21 jigawatts of entertainment.

Or is it 'gigawatts'?

On a positive note, ears never tire of listening to various remixes of Alan Silvestri's iconic Overture, but out of place original themes disturb.

If my calculations are correct, when this feature hits 88 miles per hour... you're gonna see some serious shit.

Legal disclaimer.

Yes sequel was released in 1989, but 'Back to the Future II'?

Never heard of it.

It's cool, because title screen corrects things.

(Puzzled frown).

Unlike Clock Tower, a fan translation never happened so unless fluent in Japanese, dialogue means nothing to man or time-travelling beast.

It's no biggie though, because gameplay is less complicated than taking a piss.

Doc presumably chats to Marty and Jennifer about kids they've not yet had.

After Claudia Wells learned her mother was diagnosed with cancer, she quit acting and was replaced by Elisabeth Shue.

Why is Marty already wearing his self-adjusting, self-drying jacket?

Yeah, that's just the beginning...

Roads? Where we're going, we don't need... roads.

Not bad, but the inclusion of booster fx meant Amiga nailed it.

8 bits inevitably retained inferior principle.

Here's a peek at 2015.

Hey McFly, you bojo!
Those boards don't work on water!

Unless you got POWA!
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Think this game cares?

In two separate encounters, Griff 'acquires' another baseball bat.

In contrast, short circuits in bionic implants only swung a solitary 'red' bat.

In alternate 1985, mistakes become intense.

Biff vs Biff's

Biff Tannens Pleasure Paladise and Casi vs Biff Tannen's Pleasure Paradise and Casino

Biff Tunns Museums vs Biff Tannen Museum Entrance

Whoah, this is heavy.

Biff hired a bunch of mutants for security personnel and WHY is Marty still riding his hoverboard?

Tuba, dustbin lids and hammer?

Awesome!

Next, his now busty mother apparently speaks of Jack.

Oak Park Cemetery attracts disturbing types.

I guess he's on the same drugs as game designers.

So Marty reaches memorial which according to dialogue states 1973 3, in other words March 1973.

What kind of fucking gravestone isn't date specific?

George Douglas McFly was murdered on March 15 1973.

Unrealistic wage demands meant Crispin Glover was famously replaced by Jeffrey Weissman.

Glover is credited for 'Back to the Future' footage in sequel's credits.

As per film, Doc turns up to console Marty.

But yeah, he's still in futuristic clobber.

Apart from dressing gown colour, our villain looks great - right down to those very loud sideburns.

As 1955 forms part of waffle, how, where and when he got his hands on Gray's Sports Almanac is apparently revealed.

(Laughs) "Funny, I never thought it would be you."

Bear (honestly) provides bizarre boss battle.

"You're not gonna believe this, we've gotta go back to 1955."

"I don't believe it!"

No Doc, YOU won't believe this.

Marty pots the Pink, and look what's beneath feet (again)...

(Angrily puffs out cheeks).

Strickland assaults slacker and magically confiscates the book.

To be fair, he does get shoved about.

Karate students?

Begging yer' pardon, but I must rub my Eyes.

Fifties porn?

Oh La La.

Marty? Marty? Come in?
I know you're super busy saving the future but why couldn't the lazy bastards dress me in different clothes to reflect time period?
After all, it was good enough for Mr. Tannen, so why wasn't the same courtesy extended to McFly and the Doc?
Is it because there's a problem with the Earth's gravitational pull?

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW? 

Rock and roll, because we're at The Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.

Biff feels the brunt of George's wrath.

SHORYUKEN!

Here's a little quiz question.

Once given by Old Biff (crazy old codger with a cane), where does high school lout stash book?

a) sock
b) trouser back pocket
c) asshole
d) safe
e) sleeve
f) carrier bag
g) none of the above

Fans of the movie will scream b), but answer is actually g).

Why?

Here's bastard why!

(Audible gasps).

Did we really just see that?

He... 'hid' the... Almanac inside his FUCKING mouth?

"What can you say?"

"Well Begbie had a phrase for it."

"It was fuckin' obvious that cunt was gonna fuck some cunt."

Marty beams at receiving bouncing bonus.

This boss fight predictably has Zero in common with actual events.

These guys must be Skinhead and Match.

3-D is so high, he's flying.

Taking a skeg at Biff's bitches.

Casey Siemaszko (left), Billy Zane (middle) and Jeffrey Jay Cohen (right).

3-D aside, strikingly identical.

A shoulder charge later, Biff claims stuff back.

Wink and you'll miss Hill Valley with a Chance of Meatballs.

Or dung, staple diet of a certain beetle?

The final stage is called Biff.

But that makes sense?

If only the rest did.

Golden crates falling from lorry is the main thing to worry about in a supremely easy fight.

Less Doc not rescuing Marty, automated sequence is spot on as before crashing into a manure truck, Biff endeavours to mow down Kelvin Kline.

MANURE! I HATE MANURE!

Hey Biff, quit yer' whimpering and be a man.

Also, stop talking shit.

Roll credits.

Overall, artistic licence plunges hilarious depths.

Worse than Konami's Aliens arcade?

Not quite.

In a masochistic kind of way, I'm gutted they didn't adapt original and third.

Then again...

Spectre - The scoop and digest

Skyfall is lauded by many as being the best Bond ever.

Without sounding like a cracked record, you'll never beat Goldfinger...

Drunk with hype and bursting with budget, Sam Mendes returns for Bond 24.

Just to annoy, I'm reliably informed Specter is supernatural found-footage bullshit.

Daniel Craig - James Bond
Léa Seydoux - Dr. Swann
Christoph Waltz - Oberhauser
Ben Whishaw - Q
Ralph Fiennes - M
Naomie Harris - Moneypenny
Dave Bautista - Mr. Hinx
Jesper Christensen - Mr. White

Day of the Dead, Mexico City.

What a shame actual holiday didn't invite a few zombies.

Anyway, Live and Let Die.

Bond chases a geezer through town and before forcing him out of a chopper, takes ring as a souvenir.

The Writing's on the Wall.

Reportedly taking about 20 minutes for Sam Smith to write, it shows.

Also, tentacled title sequence is rubbish too.

In London, M 'grounds' Bond for unauthorised business in Mexico and new guy Max is christened C.

The '00' programme is to be dissolved and replaced with Nine Eyes, a global intelligence co-operation agreement.

Guess writers watched Rogue Nation.

Moneypenny is shown a posthumous video message left by Judi Dench ordering Bond to kill Sciarra.

I dread to think how much she pocketed for about 10 seconds of screen time.

Q a timepiece later, Bond ignores suspension and attends Sciarra's funeral in Rome.

Widow is a little miffed at first but even so, having sex with your husband's killer is apparently the best way to deal with grief...

Using ring to enter meeting, a guy shrouded in darkness recognises Bond, and mystery geezer's top assassin Mr. Hinx gives chase behind wheel.

Bond asks Moneypenny to run a check on Mr. White and Franz Oberhauser.

Remember Harvey Keitel's namesake in Reservoir Dogs?

Yes, unforgettable.

High speed pursuit ends with Bond activating emergency evac chair from Aston Martin DB10.

Over in Austria, Bond chews the gristle with White who is dying of thallium poisoning.

Before pulling the trigger on himself, Bond promises to protect his daughter Dr. Swann.

Plane ensures Hinx's snatching of Swann only gets so far, but brick shithouse lives to fight another day.

Sciarra's ring links Oberhauser to Bond's past assignments and Swann announces organisation is Spectre.

Swann and Bond make haste to L'Americain, a hotel daddy regularly frequented in Tangier, Morocco.

Sure enough, clues of Spectre's secrets are found hidden behind wall.

Barely boarding choo choo, Hinx interrupts vodka martini party.

Hinx overpowers Bond, but Swann opening fire provides the necessary distraction for him to be thrown off train.

"Shit!"

Considering that's his only word of dialogue -  awful.

I'd confidently suggest this being a tribute to Connery's excellent scrap with Robert Shaw's Red Grant from 1963 classic From Russia with Love.

They're taken to Oberhauser's desert hideout and Bond is drilled in specific places for tortuous entertainment.

Drum roll please...

After faking his death 20 years ago, Oberhauser became Blofeld, or the author of Bond's pain.

Soft white feline receives a stroke, reffing Pussy Galore.

Cocky bastard C is in fact Blofeld's chief of intelligence so Nine Eyes must be prevented from going online.

Their inevitable escape is courtesy of Q's watch going bang.

Back in England's capital, C falls to his death after scuffle with M and Bond is bundled into a van.

Overcoming goons, Bond enters dilapidated MI6 headquarters and finds a now disfigured Blofeld in bulletproof container.

No sooner than rescuing Swann from an explosive fate, Bond shoots down Blofeld's chopper and scarface is detained by M.

Arriving at Q's lockup, he and Swann disappear burning classic vehicular rubber.

Yes it's good, but at the same time, I felt somewhat underwhelmed.

Installing Blofeld as boss to previous villains is both inspired and lazy.

Although underused, Waltz is good and the rest carry on regardless.

Set-pieces blow a blustery rather than gale force wind, but stunts are fantastically ridiculous.

Craig will be back for one more ride but unless contract dictates, maybe it's time for Sam Mendes to get the 007 out of here.