Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The scoop and digest

From a story by Fede Álvarez and Rodo Sayagues, David Blue Garcia ignores TTCM 2 and Texas Chainsaw 3D.

Sarah Yarkin - Melody

Elsie Fisher - Lila

Mark Burnham - Leatherface

Jacob Latimore - Dante

Moe Dunford - Richter

Olwen Fouéré - Sally Hardesty

Nell Hudson - Ruth

Summary

Nearly 50 years after the events of original, a bunch of young entrepreneurs plan to auction off properties in Harlow's practically deserted ghost town to make area trendy.

When Melody and Dante arrange for police to evict an elderly woman (Mrs. Mc) from the orphanage, she becomes sick and dies en route to the hospital.

After son uses his mother's face as a makeshift mask, Leatherface returns to Harlow.

Meanwhile, a vengeful Sally gets wind of murders and tools up.

Post-credits

A badly wounded Leatherface approaches former farmhouse.

Bloody mess

Gory yes. Good no.

Blatant Halloween (2018) clone is dumb, ridiculous and very predictable.

Annoying characters are thankfully killed quick, leaving Melody and Lila to fight back.

Leatherface lifting Sally with chainsaw rips off Michael murdering firefighter at the beginning of Halloween Kills.

Strangest of all.

Lila's attempt to force villain into submerged area fails when shotgun runs out of ammunition.

Err, Terminator 2 anybody?

I'm sure effort will be a huge success for Netflix, but latest entry left me buzzing less than a broken sex toy.

Uncharted - The scoop and digest

Ruben Fleischer's film is marketed as a prequel, but numerous changes places celluloid in a totally different canon.

Therefore, motion comic Eye of Indra and superb PS Vita exclusive Golden Abyss (both set before Drake's Fortune) are automatically ignored.

Tom Holland - Nathan Drake

Mark Wahlberg - Victor Sullivan

Antonio Banderas - Moncada

Sophia Ali - Chloe Frazer

Tati Gabrielle - Braddock

Summary

A young Nate and Sam are caught trying to steal the first map made after the Magellan expedition returned to Spain.

15 years later.

Nate, Sully and Chloe hunt for Magellan's gold, but face stiff competition from Moncada's band of ruthless mercenaries.

Pre-credits

Sam is alive and well, preparing another postcard inside prison cell.

Mid-credits

Using Nazi map and his ring, Nate is negotiating a deal with Gage.  New character is acting on behalf of the mysterious 'Roman', setting up a potential sequel/re-telling of original game.

When shit gets heated, a now mustachioed Sully intervenes.

Once outside, they're held presumably at gunpoint by an unknown figure, forcing dynamic duo to surrender.

Sic Parvis Magna

From booby-trapped tombs to plane flying over map, globe-trotting adventure is unashamedly Indiana Jones, particularly The Last Crusade.

It doesn't really work, but at least no attempt is made to disguise the fact.

At one point, Nate remarks "Nuns. Why did it have to be nuns?"

Raiders of the Lost Ark has a lot to answer for...

Spider-Man was fairly likable but Wahlberg was totally miscast.

Also, chemistry is seriously lacking and dialogue disappoints.

Even if the first hour was clunky, third act (beginning with a spectacular re-imagining of plane set-piece from Drake's Deception), makes up for it.

In the game, he rides alone on parachuting cargo and lands in the desert, instigating Chapter 18 The Rub' al Khali.  Here, Nate hitches a ride on same object with Chloe, which plunges into the drink.

Unlike Tomb Raider (2018), which lifted way too much from lauded reboot, action sequence of Braddock and co using helicopters to steal Magellan's ships is unique to film.

At time of writing, a sequel hasn't been confirmed, but surely inevitable.

Jackass Forever - The scoop and digest

Ignoring all the hoo-ha with Bam Margera, Jeff Tremaine directs series regulars (and new blood) for the final time.

Summary

Warning. The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so for your (our) safety and for the protection of those around you, do not attempt any of the stunts you're (we're) about to see.

Painfully hilarious

Godzilla spoof kicks off proceedings, with Pontiussaurus ejaculating over the crowd.

Thereafter, stereotypical mayhem ensues.

My immediate worry was because they're not getting any younger, I expected Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, Wee Man, Preston Lacy et al to give off Roger Murtaugh vibes, but result was quite the opposite.

For the most part - I couldn't stop laughing.

Ironically, neither could the cast.

Very briefly, Steve-O uses his genitalia as a makeshift beehive, animals are let loose and pig semen is drunk for our viewing pleasure.

It's cringing, immature, occasionally disgusting and extremely dangerous.

Brilliant.

The Revenge of Video Game Box Art Mistakes

I've already shamed the famous and more.

http://nukesandknives.blogspot.com/2020/12/video-game-box-art-mistakes-1-of-2.html

http://nukesandknives.blogspot.com/2021/09/video-game-box-art-mistakes-2-of-2.html

But the goofs are far from over.

Legend.

EU - Europe

NA - North America

JP - Japan

Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts (EU/NA)
Aside from blue and green goblins, background (complete with goofy zombies) is based on opening stage's sequel to arcade.

Player cannot slay monsters with sword and no suit comes with a red cape.

Ignoring hackle, the nearest thing to artist's depiction is golden armour.

'Coincidentally', equivalent in Ghouls 'n Ghosts came with a red cape and pointy stick can be found inside a chest.

Let's check out blurb.

We never fight witches or ogres.
But more importantly, evil wizard cannot transform Arthur into a fucking duck.

As once again.

This can only happen in the original arcade.

T2: The Arcade Game

SNES (EU/NA)
The #1 arcade "shooter" all time explodes onto Super NES!
Not an 'all time' goof, but still a goodie.

Mega Drive (EU/NA)
The #1 arcade shooting game of all time explodes onto Megadrive. Much better, but what a crying shame machine is called a Mega Drive
You're a T800 terminator etc should be T-800.
Funny really, as T-1000 is correctly hyphenated.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Game Gear (left) and Master System (right) are based on NES and unrelated to Mega Dive game of same name.

Yeah, Flying Edge purposely misled consumers.

8/16 bit computers
You are T-800 (makes no sense) in the action packed game-play (word isn't hyphenated) of Terminator 2.
In an effort to quash the rebellion, Skynet sends a terminator back through time to 1994 with a directive to destroy the rebel leader John Connor an easy prey (WTF?) as then he was only a child.
T-800 is then sent by the rebels to protect their future leader.
Arnie arrived before the T-1000 (sorry terminator).
Spectacular graphics and fierce animation throw you headlong into the furious story line (not two separate words) of the box-office smash hit.

Year breaks the straw of cybernetic back.

John Connor was conceived on 14 May 1984 and born 28 February 1985, so sequel occurs in 1995.

Hasta la vista, assholes.

Final Fight

8/16 bit computers
When Haggar became Mayor of Metro City, he thought he'd put his street fighting days behind him for good. No such luck - his delectable daughter, Jessica's, (suggesting she owns 'something') been kidnapped by the lawless Mad Gear Gang (gang) and Haggar must face his Final Fight!
Pretty sure sentence should end with full stop.
Whatever, boast of ST and Amiga having arcade-perfect graphics straight from the coin-op is hilarious.

Mega-CD (EU)
I have no idea how Sega let this slip through the net, but screen of Dug and J floating (complete with oddly placed hit effect) is REAL.

And no, neither enemy can jump.

SNES (EU)
Take Metro City back from the Mad Gears gang!

Schoolboy.

•Clash in wresting or boxing style!

Yeah, wrestling is way too boring.

Resident Evil (miscellany)

Original (all versions)
A series of gory attacks in the area surrounding a remote biotech lab brings in S.T.A.R.S. (Special Tactics and Rescue Squad) to investigate.
To this day, I remain perplexed how Capcom allowed such a fuck up, as before the 'Alice' universe existed, the final letter of acronym stands for Service.
Each lurking horror you survive will bring you closer to the source of the Resident Evil.
This is BULLSHIT!

Director's Cut (NA)
The complete UNCUT and UNCENSORED Resident Evil Cinemas.
Bollocks, as only French and German versions are uncut, and in full colour no less.

Resident Evil 2

PS1 (EU)
First there was the disaster at the mansion lab. Umbrella Corp. developed the T-Virus, a muta-genic toxin for use in biological weapons.
Blah blah...
Blood thirsty zombies etc etc. The former is not hyphenated and bloodthirsty is one word.

But that's NOTHING compared to:

N64 (EU)
First there was the disaster at the mansion lab. Umberella Corporation developed the T-Virus, a muta-genic toxin for use in biological weapons.
Spinning on...
The case was eventually closed, but Umberella's experiments were far from over.
All of Raccon City is infested. Blood thirsty Zombies, hideous mutations, now overwhelm the community.
And the best part.
When Lion and Claire arrive in town, their nightmare is just beginning... 

Quick guys, pass me a muta-genic umberella, as Raccon City is raining Blood thirsty Zombies (and the odd Lion).

Game.com
Still of head turning zombie appears during the intro of PS1 original, but not in this version.

Resident Evil Gaiden (EU)
Today the gameboy comes of age etc etc.
Err, not Game Boy?
Based on a brand new 'chapter' in the Resident Evil story...
So this implies exclusive entry existed on another system?

NA blurb is much better.

"Experience a brand new chapter in Capcom's classic horror survival series: Resident Evil."

Resident Evil Survivor (EU) - PS1
The victim of a terrible helicopter crash in a zombie-infested town, he has lost his memory and now only his instinct can keep him alive...
The amnesiac protagonist (later revealed to be Ark Thompson) is literally shat from a helicopter wreckage and then explores Sheena Island.
So setting isn't a town.

Resident Evil 0 (EU) - Gamecube
Discover the root of all evil
23 July 1998. The day before the deadly virus is unleashed upon Racoon City.

Hmmm.

Street Fighter II (miscellany)

Turbo Revival

NA
Lightning fast animation, unbelievable graphics and Capcom's signature gameplay make Super Street Fighter II Turbo the most respected fighting game of all time.
I'm sure it still is, but we're dealing with a Revival.

EU
Fine, but revival should be Revival.

Street Fighter Collection (EU Black Label) - PS1 and Saturn
From top to bottom.
Caption states Super SF II, but is actually Super Turbo.
Screen is Alpha 2 Dash, but caption states Super Turbo, describing Alpha 2 Dash.
Screen is Super Turbo, but caption states Alpha 2 Dash, describing Super Turbo. 

WHAT AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING MESS.

Street Fighter Collection 2

EU Black Label - PS1
Screen of TWW is actually Hyper Fighting.

EU White Label - PS1

Contains 3 classic arcade exact (rolls eyes) fighters from the Street Fighter II series.
First off, TWW is completely ignored.
Street Fighter 2: Champion Edition introduced fighters of different origins battling for their own country's glory and the ability to play 4 playable boss characters.
What a batshit crazy way to put things.
Street Fighter 2: Hyper Fighter (what... the..?) - introduced faster game speed and airborne special attacks.

Just... WHAT?

But this upstages everything.

TWW is given the finger (again), but Las Vegas and Airfield grab the headlines, because outside of Japan, M. Bison and Vega are known as Balrog and M. Bison respectively.

Double K.O.

Finally.

Street Fighter II (NA) - Gameboy
Watch the temperature rise as Dhalsim incinerates you with his mystical Yoga Flame!
What a big fat, dirty stinking lie, as along with E. Honda and Vega, port omits rubber man from character roster (as screenshot confirms).

Serves lazy bastards right for copying meat from SNES original.

Samurai Shodown

Sega CD
A direct port of SNK's fifth installment to the popular "100 Mega Shock" series, Samurai Shodown pits you blade-to-blade against 12 of the most heinous samurai warriors the arcade has ever witnessed.

Even without Earthquake, this is still technically true, as Amakusa is selectable in 2P.

Still not ideal though.

Back art also speaks of Nakoruru's flame-belching eagle.

Err, no, as when set on opponent, Mamahaha is on fire.

Tam Tam is the only character to 'belch' fire.

3DO

Rather than Samurai Spirits, Japanese version retained rest of world title.

Very unusual.

Despite what any version of title screen would have you believe, SNK didn't handle port in 1993, as this is when arcade and Neo Geo game were released.
In truth, Crystal Dynamics did the honours in 1994.

Cloning arcade's data only partially worked, as port made lots of compromises.

What's this?

JP (left) and NA (right)

Victory symbol, score and names are MISSING.

Was this the unreleased beta version?

EU decided to use arcade screens, as credits remain.

As did another format (which had no right to).

EU - Mega-CD
Earthquake doesn't appear.

To call me "awesome" is an understatement.

Neo Geo

I've always found this pretty funny.

 Shinkiro's artwork was recycled across most formats.

One problem.

Haohmaru's stage is set during the day.

Amusingly.

Upgraded setting in the sensational Samurai Shodown II.

One more left guys.

Miss it at your peril.

Moonfall - The scoop and digest

Roland Emmerich returns to space.

Halle Berry - Jocinda Fowler

Patrick Wilson - Brian Harper

John Bradley - Dr. KC Houseman

Michael Pẽna - Tom Lopez

Summary

During a routine satellite repair mission in 2011, Brian Harper and his his team of astronauts are attacked by a malevolent swarm of black matter.

Back on Earth, Harper's superiors don't buy story and subsequently fire ass.

10 years later.

Conspiracy theorist KC Houseman is monitoring the Moon's rapidly decreasing orbital radius.

In a matter of weeks, its debris will begin raining down on Earth.

NASA sends Harper, former teammate Jocinda and Houseman into space to destroy self-aware AI and save the day.

Fuck the Moon

Illogical, preposterous and incredibly dumb, this is Emmerich at his awful best.

Paper thin characters, atrocious script, stupid explanations, insulting exposition and bizarre subplots plague two hour plus runtime.

Jesus Christ, even CG fails to impress.

Scraping the barrel, leads embrace batshit crazy situation and video game climax was kinda fun.

But overall, clichéd nonsense is basically a disaster.

How ironic.

Asset Plagiarism - Font and Colour Scheme

From the unbelievable to the downright bizarre - I've got shit covered.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets vs Mass Effect

Although based on Pierre Christin's comic series Valérian and Laureline, Luc Besson's glitzy box-office bomb is basically an unofficial Mass Effect film.

X-Man vs X-Men

Street Hockey '95 vs Street Fighter

Actionware¹ (1988-1990) vs Raiders of the Lost Ark

¹Company was founded in Batavia, Illinois.  Hardware engineer Richard Parry figured out how to modify a NES Zapper to make lightgun compatible with an Amiga.

Capone, SideShow, P.O.W. and Creature all supported bootleg peripheral.

If Nintendo knew, surely they would've sued.

When Parry moved away in the early 90's, that's all they wrote.

Overlord² (2018) vs Return to Castle Wolfenstein

²Should have been subbed 'Operation Resurrection'.

Arkanoid vs Tron

Mr. Robot (2015-2019) vs Sega (since 1976)

Hmmm, curious.

And.

Conker: Live & Reloaded

Oh my glazed days.

Cinemaware vs Commando

Company and arcade (unrelated to Schwarzenegger classic of same name) were founded and released in 1985.

What came first remains unknown.

Anyway, Capcom continued the trend with Forgotten Worlds.

Another chicken and egg situation.

Growl³ vs Mercs (February 1990)

³Park rangers vs poachers was originally released in Japan as Runark in 1990.

However, some sources claim January 1991.

Rygar

1986 arcade was converted to a host of home computers in 1988.  Lynx version came out in 1990.

Famicom game Arugosu no Senshi: Hachamecha Daishingeki (Warrior of Argus: Extreme Great Charge) wore Metroid guise and was released in 1987.

North American port came out in same year.

Apart from the obvious, logo (unique to title screen) is IDENTICAL to Mercs.

Okay, it's plausible Tecmo took cues from Commando, but...

Turbo Sub vs Defender

Robocop and Robocop 2

Film posters

Computer games (note splash of added colour)

Suburban Commando

Pile of Shep was adapted for home computers in 1993.

Title screen is scarier than Hulkster's smile.

Best or worst of all.

Lynx port of Turbo Sub must've thought it was 'part sub, part machine'.

HA HA HA!

Threat incoming.

Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon (2013)

Hard Edge (1998)

What's this guys?

Ultima was developed for the Apple II in 1981.

And the WEIRD part.

In 1986, Origin Systems completely re-coded Ultima I in Assembly, significantly improving running speed and graphics.

Never mind technical feat, WHY the FUCK did they alter logo?

Answer to mystery (and what went before) might just be Elite (officially Elite Systems).

British developer and publisher was established in 1984.

Metalbeast⁴

⁴UK title, aka Project Metalbeast.

I stumbled across this thumbnail on Amazon Prime.

Forget about 'Project', Metalbeast is a Snake, and a Solid one at that.

Metal Gear Solid

Did batshit crazy decision get more clicks?

Expect not.

Dying of the Light vs The Evil Within

Gotta admire obscure balls.

Castlevania: Lament of Innocence (simply called Castlevania in Europe, Japan and Australia), saw the debut of Leon Belmont and the first to use 'C' logo in this way.

Excluding 'classic' remakes, Konami never looked back.

Idea may have stemmed from Contra.

But I'm suggesting:

La Chiesa (The Church)

Coincidence?

Maybe, maybe not.