Before I cut the yellow ribbon around the old Oak tree, all that's left for me to say is:
"Welcome to Rekall."
|Right, a lack of oxygen and a certain increase to my optician fees has definitely made my mind up to pursue such a fruitless task.|
|Good afternoon, welcome to the Mind Fuck Agency. When we've lobotmised your sorry ass, your schizoid embolism will be gift-wrapped, free of charge.|
|Shortly after being told that this is his first trip, Doug is thrilled to find that compliments of the house are there to be gladly exploited...|
I'd like a coffee, no milk with two sugars, a chocolate Digestive to dunk and for dessert, a Marlboro Light.
|I'm bored, so very fucking bored. Ceilings aren't exactly the best tonic to excite a dormant organ that has about as much imagination as a chicken nugget.|
|Two-headed monsters? Yeah, they date back a million years. Hush little baby, don't say a word, Lull's gonna spread you a lemon curd and if that lemon curd tastes sweet, I'm gonna wrap you in a diamond sheet.|
|In order to bring relief to the affected area, you need to apply a gentle massage and not stroke it you fucking idiot. I might as well ask this dumb bitch to practice physio as a paper umbrella is clearly more pertinent to the current situation..|
|I'M MISSING EASTENDERS AND MY TEETH NEED SHORTENING. LET ME GO NOW!|
|Lori, just tell him about breakfast. I'm sure he'll understand.|
But what happens if Kate Beckinsale combines both our roles in 2012? It could send him over the precipice. I don't think either of us could live with that.
|TALK, I said TALK? How do you make your curry so delicious? What's the ingredient you use to give it that extra special kick? C'mon, spill those fucking beans all over my fried slice.|
|They erased your identity and implanted a new one. I was written in as your wife so I could watch you and make sure that the erasure took. BULLSHIT! That's not your secret and newsflash, this is not Jeremy Kyle.|
|Yes it is and don't rip the piss because the 'other' Jerry has long since drooled. Oh and one more thing, our whole sex life is just a dream.|
|It's your turn to cross dress before you head out and get smashed. My killer heels sit lonely in the toilet and are only a few footsteps away...|
|Is that a loaded gun in my pocket or am I just pleased to see you? Down boy, down. One problem though, why does the blue pill choose to work when it really DOESN'T matter?|
|Pixellation. It's such a bitch.|
|Well, it is my obligation and I'm happy to apply. If I hit you in the wrong place, may I offer my sincerest apologies in advance for such an inconvenience. Look on the bright side of the moon, at least you can't pull a face like I can.|
|Yeah, well not for much longer. You see, unlike you who can only be described as one of hundreds of expendable baddies that Arnie has taken out, I'll always be remembered as the ultimate human shield chosen to protect this superstar asshole.|
|Sorry mate, it's nothing personal but we're just making sure.|
|Oh, you're an egg chaser? Sorry, but all egg chasers are assholes. Get the fuck out of my cab because I hold a medical exemption that doesn't require me to carry such riff raff as my allergy of a forward pass gets aroused.|
|You've fucked with the wrong towel, you worthless hunk of annoying robotic shit. You think that I won't rip you out from above your joystick? Try me, just try and sue me, dickhead.|
|This automated internal lighting will come in so handy when the electricity blows or I run out of candles and matches.|
|System detects illumination overload leading to plastic and rubber removal from ugly face. Would you like to restart the system?|
|No, it's nature. These things are written and made to benefit android heaven. I am finally about to reap the rewards of not overcharging and never complaining about the overpowering aroma of old people so serendipity surely awaits...|
|FUUUCCCKKKK! I've changed my mind. Shit, (connecting to bios), can I undo and/or reverse my hasty and even stupid decision?|
Sorry, you're more screwed than a down on her luck hooker with a condom shortage.
HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE RIDE. HA HA!!!
|What an exciting prospect. I mean, using an external implement to pick one's nose will surely be a sensation more satisfying than flicking my love spuds with a sopping wet flannel.|
|Well this is certainly not what I expected as this shit hurts. How come the bastards never supplied me with an anesthetic? Slack jaw, ball breaking, desk hugging, brick laying, clock watching, dumb fucks.|
|Meet the perfect example of a slack jaw, ball breaking, desk hugging, brick laying, clock watching, dumb fuck.|
|C'mon, COME ON. Hang in there buddy, it's almost out, just a little bit further. (Even after Paypal has robbed my ass, I bet I'll make a bomb with this beastie on Ebay).|
|Shit. Is that really it? I hope the postage charge doesn't put people off.|
(The seller revised the listing at HH:MM:SS on DD/MM/YYYY).
He doesn't apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused...
|Movement. Signal's clean. Range, 20 metres. Man, this is a big fuckin' signal.|
|Eight metres, seven, six... Fuck the short controlled bursts, come and get it baby, ARRRRGGGGHHHHH, MOTHERFUCKER.|
|Wipe this fucking shit off my screen. Wipe this fucking shit off my screen. Wipe this fucking shit off my screen. Wipe this fucking shit off my screen.|
Yes, that's where we're heading next and if you haven't already got your fake Brubaker I.D. to flash at the front desk of the Hilton Hotel, I know a great counterfeiter...