Friday, 26 June 2015

Films Lost in Translation - Screen 1

Instead of cuddling the norm of video game carts, I warm the cockles of movie mistake seeking hearts.

My mission is not to regurgitate shit done a hundred times before, but to focus mainly on all things 'Engrish'.

John Nash (Russell Crowe) may have A Beautiful Mind, but should have collected a 'Nobel' Prize for strategic decision making.
Check out this peculiar error in Woody Allen's 1977 romcom classic Annie Hall.

Fine, but in the credits...

Never mind director, I'm more concerned that Christopher Wlaken didn't notice.

I'm probably not alone in thinking The Dark Knight Rises was a disappointing end to an otherwise excellent trilogy.
Did you hear about the dyslexic thief? He went on a 'hiest'.
Just for a really random laugh, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps shows Christopher Nolan how it's done.

This is technically a character error by Roy Scheider's Martin Brody in Jaws.

Yes it should be 'coroner's' office.
Maybe Polly should have typed up the report. 
In exciting sequel Lethal Weapon 2Joss Ackland's Arjen Rudd and his crooked cronies hide behind diplomatic immunity.
Reckless Riggs finds 'aparthied' impossible to spell.
Just to blitz brains, reference on refrigerator in original was correct.

Ha ha ha!

After Keith Allen's Hugo mysteriously dies leaving a suitcase full of money, it leaves an obvious dilemma in Danny Boyle's superb directorial debut Shallow Grave.
Nothing immediately wrong here, but spin on to credit roll... 
As if by unstable magic, Christopher Eccleston's eventual lunatic David changed his surname by goof poll.
St Trinian's is set in the fictional town of Chelteham, Gloucestershire.  
Another shot highlights continuity didn't fix matters.

Nobody predicted this 5 day weather 'forcast' in Total Recall (2012).
Perfect organism.  Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility.

Here's some strange data produced by MU-TH-UR in Alien.

I fear the margins may be out of 'allignment'.
Although 'insure' is obviously a word, I'm sure they meant 'ensure'.
All other considerations secondary.
Crew expendable.
Even a store wide 'clearnce' sale hosted by Dick Miller was afraid to charge The Terminator for guns and ammo. 
Dispensing with formalities, presenting what were surely done on purpose.

Tortured 'teacher' Andy (Perry King) is eventually pushed over the edge in Mark L. Lester's controversial 1982 classic Class of 1984.
Before he went Back to the Future, a young Michael J. Fox (credited as Michael Fox) briefly joins in and Roddy McDowall (Corrigan) does GTA.

Teenage Head provide the musical touch. 
Irvin Kershner's final film Robocop 2 advises to go and fuck a refrigerator pecker neck.
If that's wrong - 'kick' me in the bollocks.
Hillbillies and gratuitous gore ensures 2010 horror comedy Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was an absolute hoot.
We got ur 'freind' deserves an extended close  up.

Brainless and bereft of charm, The Sweeney on big screen disappointed more than the sun failing to glow.
Please note, Novembers figures deserve an apostrophe between r and s.
Fancy a laugh - look no further than Idle Hands.
'I'm' under the bed.
Your and you're are commonly used in the wrong context.

For example:

Lerenzo Lamas is 'search and destroy' soldier Jack Kelly in the first of cult action adventure series Snake Eater.
(I heard the toilet struggled to flush this piece of shit).
'Your Dead Right'.
Fuck.  Wrong again. 
Smiley was 'supposed' to come and kill me, but urban legend thought better of it.
However, if electronic insult from Death Proof informed 'you're an asshole!!!', then I'd be really offended.
Ecological found footage horror documentary The Bay largely kicked ass.
'HOLLY' SHIT! i just ate something 'wierd'.
Now my stomach feels fucking weird.
Amy? Amy?
Why didn't you activate auto-correct?
Amy? Answer me?
Battery dead...
Untraceable featured killer host, hosting a killer website.

See Fear Dot Com for inspiration...

thniik soooo.
Fcuking idiots. hes fucking dead cant you fucking (illegible).
Err, what?
the killers ded long live the killer...
'nlod' this video?
Probably means down'load' this video?
Next time, it's more with definite phwoar.

Sunday, 21 June 2015

Insidious: Chapter 3 - The scoop and digest

Series writer Leigh Whannell takes the directorial plunge to prequel James Wan's original and awful second.

Plot details and/or spoilers exist between light and dark.

Following in the footsteps of ectoplasm:

Lin Shaye - Elise
Stefanie Scott - Quinn
Dermot Mulroney - Sean
Angus Sampson - Tucker
Leigh Whannell - Specs

A few years before the Lambert family haunting.

Teenybopper Quinn persuades psychic Elise to make contact with her recently deceased mother Lilly.

When something makes threats to kill, connection is lost.

During a theatre audition, the sight of a mysterious being causes Quinn to fluff her lines.

Before she can report wave happy weirdo, a car sends her flying.

Daddy helps the wheelchair-bound into bed and for attention, clanging bell should do the trick.

Occurrences escalate beyond creepy and entity is best described as the man who can't breathe.

She's sick, right?

After every visitation, apparition leaves no physical evidence until muddy prints lead them to a broken window.

As geezer lies dead on pavement below, suicide is most plausible; but demon attempts to drag Quinn down.

Sean rescues the situation but daughter's neck is badly jarred in the process.

Come on Elise, get up off your fat ass?

Entering a place she likes to call 'The Further', Bride in Black initiates full throttle (who she brought back when looking for dead husband), but is shaken back to life before suffocation.

Sean pushes the desperation button and brings in Spectral Sightings pair Tucker and Specs.

Quinn lashes out with melee weapon and just for the hell of it - smashes plaster casts against bedstead.

Others help subdue before she can slit her own throat.

A rejuvenated Elise returns in confident mood and agrees to co-operate.

We've already seen a faceless Quinn, missing hands and feet, but that's only 50 per cent of the download.  The man who struggles to breathe must be stopped before her soul is completely swallowed.

Its identity is never revealed, but we know he died in the apartment yonks ago.

Elise scares off Bride and hubby Jack wants her to self-terminate so they can finally be together.

After slashing demon in fancy dress, the alternative Quinn is grabbed and regeneration begins.

Back in the land of the living, Elise says she must finish the job alone.

Hearing the voice of a woman who recently died, Elise finds a letter from Lilith.

Mother whispers something in Quinn's ear, giving her the strength to remove mask and defeat demon.

Quinn awakes and all is hunky dory.

Elise teams up with Specs and Tucker to continue cleaning up supernatural disturbances as and when they occur.

Returning home, she's pleased to find husband's jumper neatly folded on bed.

Woof woof barks at unknown face in darkness and Darth Maul provides incredibly boring pop up moment.

To paraphrase an old footballing cliché, this is a film of two halves.

The first 40 minutes or so is littered with unpredictable and intelligent jump scares, but the final section is consumed by generic shoddiness.

Believing herself to be Tetsuo from Akira, Elise forces geezer through floorboards with unofficial ultra combo Shockwave Stomp.


Quinn wearing the possessed shoes of Mia from Evil Dead 2013 morbidly offends.

Discounting 1999 original, her twitching is also reminiscent of a condom headed Silent Hill nurse.

Medical orderlies in prequel Origins appear to be faceless, just like the alternative Quinn.

"Come on bitch" is up there with the cheesiest pieces of fucking shit I've ever heard.

Unconfirmed of course, but Chapter 4 should already be set up with presumably what Elise saw off camera at the end of sequel.

One more thing, Quinn is seen reading A Clockwork Orange.

She's got taste...

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Jurassic World - The scoop and digest

Dinosaurs may have died out millions of years ago but their popularity will never become extinct.

If anybody remembers One Million Years B.C. for anything other than Raquel Welch's fur bikini, they're talking Styracosaurus shit.

R.I.P. Ray Harryhausen, stop-motion God.

I hated Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, but along with skeletons (Jason and the Argonauts) and scorpions (Clash of the Titans), Smilodon vs Troglodyte is probably what VHS rewound most.

Very, very briefly talking video games, Sammy's Dyna Gears ignores sense and sensibility.

Starships slip 65 million years back in time from the year 2993 A.D.

'Time patroller' Roger and the ruthless Gustav shoot each other down and crash into a nearby planet, which conveniently happens to be a tropical jungle in prehistoric times.

Roger meets and teams up with Wolf, and because Gustav has managed to transform a living dino into 'combat dinosaur', the pair set off in hot pursuit.

Whatever, right?

Director Colin Trevorrow ignores The Lost World and awful third with a direct sequel to Spielberg's blockbusting original.

Plot details and/or spoilers are genetically engineered.

The Park is open for:

Chris Pratt - Owen Grady
Bryce Dallas Howard - Claire
Vincent D'Onofrio - Hoskins
B.D. Wong - Dr. Wu
Nick Robinson - Zack
Ty Simpkins - Gray

To keep things fresher than a daisy, highly intelligent hybrid Indominus Rex has been kept isolated in new menagerie Jurassic World.

By now, we've met operations manager Claire, and her nephews Zack and Gray.

Raptor trainer Owen Grady is brought in to study Indominus' ranch but when scans draw a blank, she's apparently escaped.

Surely a technical malfunction?

Big cheese Hoskins plans to use the four Raptors (Charlie, Alpha, Omega and Blue) as a military force, but Owen wants no part of it.

Pac-Man ghosts are nearly as random.

Bashful (Inky), Speedy (Pinky), Shadow (Blinky) and Pokey (Clyde).

What's CLYDE all about?

Indominus escapes and enjoys a bite of fresh human meat in the process.

Emergency! Code Bloodshed imminent on Isla Nublar!

Adopting camouflage allowed her to bypass thermal detection.

Clever girl.

In the midst of this unfortunate prison break, Zack and Gray ride in a gyrosphere and ignore the warnings of attraction shutdown.

Sending a team armed with non-lethals to subdue the beast is surely suicide?

Take a wild guess...

Baddie dino attacks hamster ball but regrettably, children escape.

She continues relentless rampage and the destruction of an aviary gives unexpected licence for pterosaurs to take flight.

Wings of fury have a bit of fun but human firepower eradicates threat.

To help kill Indominus, Hoskins convinces Grady to enlist Raptors but after allies chew the fat with omnipotent, monsters turn nasty.

At my discretion, can I now call villain Rextor, a portmanteau of T-Rex and Raptor?

Thanks in advance.

Along with embryos, Dr. Wu is helicoptered to safety; which should give head geneticist enough time to conjure up a sequel.

The result of Hoskins failing to sweet talk a Raptor has dire consequences.

With Rextor continuing to dominate, Claire suggests they need more 'teeth'.

T-Rex and Blue make a decent tag team and force Rextor towards lagoon where Mosasaurus is waiting...

Proceedings end with T-Rex observing decimation and announces "I'M FUCKING BACK!" on helipad.


Lacklustre chars and so-so acting fails to damage an enjoyable spectacle.

Unusually for a 12A, blood often spills and human casualties reach double figures.

Sequences disregard suspense and danger but contain excitement and depth.

Although science has proved otherwise, paleontologists fume at our friends remaining balder than plucked chickens.

Surely applying a few feathers wouldn't have broken any hearts.

As expected, CGI dominates with animatronics drafted in for a dying Apatosaurus and head close-ups.  Recycled herbivores Iguanodon, Stegosaurus and Ankylosaurus are a snore bore.

Mosasaurus and Indominus do nothing to match the colossal entrance of Brachiosaurus and T-Rex attack.

Personally, I don't think effects look any better than what they did back in 1993.

Training raptors is a cool idea, but how Rextor dies was a major cop-out.

Also, how did veteran T-Rex get back inside 'new' paddock?


Reffing hell

Mr DNA, mosquito encased in block or amber (used on the end of Hammond's cane), destruction of Spinosaurus skeleton during end fight (maybe symbolism of how that fucking bad film really was), computer guy wearing tee of original (personality opposite of Nedry) and Dilophosaurus hologram confusing Raptor towards climax.

Best of all, kids stumble upon the dilapidated visitor centre as night-vision goggles, Jeep 29, backlit picture of Raptor and 'When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth' banner are all visible.

'Rip offs'

Squad members' heartbeats flatlining on monitors (Aliens).
Indominus capable of engaging cloak and killing for sport (Predator).
Pterosaur attack (The Mist).

Beginning in the late 70s, obviously way before Michael Crichton's novel, Flesh was one of the original stories to appear in 2000AD.

'Hag monster' Old One Eye ate her son Satanus, who was later cloned by scientists as an exhibit for a dinosaur theme park.

I'm saying this is Flesh without bone.


Dino Crisis was inspired by Jurassic Park.

T-Rex mutation Australis 'borrowed' roar in rubbish 2003 Xbox exclusive Dino Crisis 3.

End boss Cebalrai has the DNA prime of Giganotosaurus and grows a third head.

Indominus is modelled on Giganotosaurus, who was apparently slightly smaller than fellow theropod Carcharodontosaurus, but larger than global favourite T-Rex.

Going off track, SNK's Prehistoric Isle in 1930 determined ammonites measured 140 feet and weighed 10 tonnes.

Absolutely remarkable.

Further examples could be given but I'd never stop laughing.


Before getting destroyed by satellite's laser in Dino Crisis 2, we watch T-Rex clash heads with not Pachycephalosaurus, but Giga power.

Even though Raptor featured and employed ironic role reversal in Trevorrow's film, it's the same principle.

Giga does brush T-Rex aside, but unlike Spinosaurus snapping neck in JP III, nobody gave a fossil.

Not that it matters too much, Capcom also used the threat of Mosasaurus.


Finally, if the next is set in the far reaches of infinite space - I'll nuke my Ozymandias.

Friday, 12 June 2015

Total Recall: Symphony (Adornment)

Before proceeding, why not reacquaint yourself with:

Part 1 -

Part 2 -

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, a horse won Richter a mint and Benny let off a tremendous fart...

If I am to become that fucking asshole Hauser, it is my democratic right for televisual entertainment to be provided.
Crap, junk, bollocks and bullshit.
It makes me wonder why I pay my TV licence.
I wonder if it's the same back on Earth...
Richter: Excuse me pal, do you mind if I twat the bastard, just for old time's sake?
Doctor: For fun?
Richter: No in the name of science - you fucking idiot.
That's for porking my old lady - hard and deep.
One detects digesting ring-piece inferno, washed down with seventeen pints of dangerous strength lager is more unlikely than contracting agoraphobia of imminent pain.
JESUS! That tickles.
In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have pissed him off...
Squeal like a mouse, sing like a canary and miaow like a pussy.
That is the way of samurai.
Oi bitch, filthier than a holiday postcard.
This is hardly the time to drop knickers, spread legs and authorise lab rat to perform cunnilingus.
It's...(hmmm), errr, an experiment.
A bit more (ooohhhh)... down a little (not too much).
Nibble, nuzzle and give it a cuddle.
Treat the old muff rough and tough, and... w
hy so jealous?
Ladies and gentlemen - witness the grit and determination of Bruce Banner.
Now you've licked the bitch dry, it's time for me to aim high.
Game shot and the match.
Slack jaw, ball breaking, desk hugging, brick laying, clock watching, dumb fuck.
As your ass always wanted to be skewered more than mixed kebab... 
Safe in the knowledge I've gone all Debbie Harry and KooKoo, at least I can die happy.
Now Quaid and Melina have defaced campaign poster with spunking prick and customary three pubes per testicle, shall I throw the switch and activate the reactor?
But it'll spread to all the turbinium on the planet and Mars will go into global meltdown.
(Richter raises famous frown lines).
WELL SHIT ON A BASTARD STICK! Even those aliens didn't think of that.
Your landlord warned what would happen if you fuckers fell behind with rent.
(Cough, splutter, choke).
My final wish upon this earth is for piscine to be given a decent send-off, and not suffer the indignity of being flushed down unscented and neglected ivory throne. 
As we're running out of air, it blows we don't have some kind of life bar.
Thumbelina: Look Tony, you're not Isaac Clarke and this ain't Dead Space.
Now kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP before necromorphs get Victorian on everybody's ass.
Hey Quaid (not forgetting Melina), you remember father of five (four) kids to feed?
Benny.  Benny's the name, (ha ha ha) and betraying is my game.
Which unofficial Roger Moore James Bond adventure is now of particular relevance?
I meant For Your Operator's Eyes Only.
After endodontic treatment, this minor migraine cannot climb beyond the peak of pain.
Fiddletwits.  It appears my prediction was wrong.
First I punch you, now bullets fuck you.
'Cause honey I'm an asshole draped like a daydream.
Don't panic viewers, but everybody's GeForce is about to temporarily Nvidia. 
The impatient can minimise this window to the taskbar and continue working while updates are downloaded and installed.
It is not necessary to restart your computer.
Should first person be played with joypad or mouse?
While you're chewing over rhetoric, please be advised - I'VE GOT A HOLOGRAPH!
I am doing unto you, what Captain Freedom did unto to Ben Richards.
Yes it's The Running Man, with Cadre Cola - it hits the g-spot.
O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth.
Woe to the hand that shed this costly blood!
Cohaagen (off-screen): The construction worker that became a secret agent.  The secret agent that became a dream.  The dream that escaped lobotomization.
Fascinating story!
As adverse weather conditions are due to oscillate, engage reverse thrusters.
Malfunction! Unable to launch.  Bleep, whirr; etc.  Maximum overdrive.  Access denied.
Well whatever nevermind.
I've heard of relationships getting off to a flying start but this is just fucking ridiculous.
Under pressure.  Dum dum dum dur de de dum, (plink plonk).
My fingers don't even fit.  Who designed this ungodly piece of shit?
Arth and his friend ritis will be visiting sooner than expected.
The inaugural winner of Mars With Talentless Sophistication reveals Mary (three tits) was salvation and Last Resort for fame.
Experiment gone right 41A didn't even make it through auditions.
I would take it further (on coming second), but the appeals procedure is purposely convoluted and inappropriately expensive.
Anyway, going up against a bunch of ass-kissing, back-stabbing, corrupt-sucking bastards would be profligate.
Quaid: (Puff puff, pant pant).  That was shagtastic and I came like Niagra Falls.
Mel: Ha! I'm glad somebody did, as I've known fruit machine spins last longer.
Hauser gets to fuck me every night? I can hardly wait.
Quaid: Would one care for a tongue embrace?
Mel: I suppose saliva transfer must be better than inept rhythmic grinding.
(Yuck! The dirty bastard didn't even bother to scrub teeth and gargle cheap cider).
The future has a silver lining.

Robocop (1987) will follow (at some point).
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