Friday, 22 June 2018

Hereditary - The scoop and digest

Writer/director Ari Aster makes his directorial debut in 'this generation's The Exorcist'.

Toni Collette - Annie
Alex Wolff - Peter
Milly Chapiro - Charlie
Gabriel Byrne - Steve
Ann Dowd - Joan

Obituary confirms that Ellen Graham recently died after a prolonged illness.

Life goes on for her daughter Annie, husband Steve, son Peter and oddball daughter Charlie.

While Peter is smoking weed at a party, Charlie unsupervised scoffs a slice of cake, unaware that tasty treat is filled with nuts, causing her to go into anaphylactic shock.

On the way to hospital, Peter swerves to avoid a dead animal, but Charlie's head collides with a telephone pole, decapitating her.

Please note camera showing strange symbol engraved.

In the morning, Annie is understandably distraught.

Re-visiting bereavement group, Annie is approached by fellow member Joan, who she opens up to.

New found friend reveals how she contacted her grandson through a seance, which inspires Annie.

Game of 'is there anybody there' results in Annie apparently being possessed by Charlie, but a splash of water from Steve brings her back to normal.

Searching through late mother's keepsakes, Annie finds a photo album with Ellen and Joan, and highlighted paragraph describes demon Paimon, one of the eight kings of hell.

Annie is drawn to the attic, and discovers a headless corpse, who she believes to be Ellen, and said symbol written in blood nearby.

When Steve refuses to burn Charlie's sketchbook, she does the deed herself, which results in hubby becoming toast.

Peter is chased into the attic by a now possessed Annie, and spots members of Ellen's cult in the shadows.

Up in the rafters, Peter watches Annie eventually garottes neck.

Unable to take any more, he commits suicide via nearest window.

A glowing light enters Peter's body, compelling him to follow Annie's levitating corpse into the tree house.

We see Charlie's head has been crowned and placed on top of mannequin representing Paimon, together with Annie and Ellen's bodies ideally placed for worship.

Surrounded by naked followers, Joan greets Peter as both Charlie and Paimon.

Freed from female host and reborn into this world as a healthy male, all hail Paimon.

Suspended in darkness, camera zooms out, as if like one of Annie's miniatures.


The Exorcist?

Like Jim Royle would say - my ass.

To be honest, one of the best horrors in recent years has more in common with Devil's Due, a pretty rubbish found footage take on Rosemary's Baby.

Trailer paints the very dumb and misleading picture of relentless jump scares.


Hype is not tripe

Suspense builds to a flurry of 'what the fuck' moments.

Highlights include:

Peter covered in ants, a brilliant mold of Charlie's head and particularly, Charlie's ghost briefly appearing before Peter.

Effect of rolling head, almost instantaneously transforming into a basketball has to be seen to be believed.

To be invested in family's plight, characters and performances have to be good, and holy shit.

Backstory is laid on a bit thick, but Toni Collette is simply superb; and may even surpass Essie Davis's tortured widow in The Babadook.

Whether cutting off dead bird's head (symbolizing her death), or making clicking sounds, Milly Chapiro makes our skin crawl.

As the most 'normal' person in whole situation, Byrne takes nightmare on the grumpy chin and although sporadically good, Wolff is the weakest card in impressive pack.

Having said that, close up of sheer shock will stay with me.

Entire house is a set, allowing filmmakers to remove walls.


Pawel Pogorzelski's cinematography is excellent, ensuring wide shots are always interesting, even when there's nothing going on.

Under the influence

Swarm of flies excitedly buzzing around Ellen's corpse smacks of Hellraiser, and even sequel Hellbound.

Climax and big reveal feels like fellow arthouse animal The Witch.

Annie scuttling on ceiling?

Hmmm, hospital in The Exorcist III springs to mind.

To be fair, Legion and Grandma did the same thing in 2010.

Perhaps on purpose, Peter diving through attic window mimics Karras's self-sacrifice in The Exorcist.


As soon as Joan is introduced, initial mystery and eventual twist came as no surprise.

Symbol is shown too often, and I was hoping that demonic cult wouldn't be responsible.


After Steve is killed, psychological trauma is ditched to rev the gore engine, kinda pooping on what film stood for.

Most disappointingly of all, Aster's skillfully crafted spectacle just isn't scary.

Also, how did Ellen's crew manage to sneak Ellen's corpse inside attic without family knowing?

Far fetched to say the least.


Remember, you read mega coincidence here first.

Before Steve is burned alive, Annie initially decides to burn Charlie's sketchbook, but instead finds consequences happening to her.

No matter what ANYBODY says, principle is identical to Red Dwarf episode Justice.

I know it sounds crazy, but read on.

Rimmer explains to Lister that prison complex is covered by the Justice field, making it physically impossible to commit any kind of crime.

Both skeptical and curious, Lister gives arson a whirl by burning bed sheets.

And guess what?

Ha ha ha!

Monday, 18 June 2018

Films Lost in Translation - Final Screen

Previous animals had a bit of everything.

And now in 2018, another trilogy concludes.

The Dark Knight Rises
Selina Kyle becomes Selina Klye.
That's just for kicks.

Now the real fun begins.

Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie

If your desktop PC's output device is a moniter, I'd suggest pictorial display is composed of poxels, mouce is used to navigate screen and commands are typed on a keybored.
Once upon an interview, I failed to secure empolyment for a job I can't remember.
Rejection letter later confirmed that my techuiques simply weren't up to scratch.
That'll teach me for taking advice from Balrog.

After 10 mintues of proof-reading, is this the only boo boo in newspaper article?
Unfortunatly not.
Whoever decided to hire the services of a world famous physic needs shooting.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Shoes, shins, thigh, breifs and jacket?
Err, what?
The 'i before e' rule doesn't always work, but this is just taking the piss.
Primary target guidlines initialized and TX protocol requests aditional buffer channels.
Apart from those rather important issues, analysis classification scan : 34 is spiffing.
The Uninvited (2009)

Forensics reveal the children were [censored] sedated before being stabbed repeatedly.
Grim description still weighs heavilly on my mind.
I want you to know, or should I say 'known', that errors can be very unpredicable, and evidence of this fact has been issued oday.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

In desperately cheesy front page headline, filmmakers insult our intelligence by using a different colour for 'shreds'.
Anyway, city reels after Foot Clan seige.
Now that's FUNNY.
Search result shows New Yorks omits apostrophe on two separate occasions.
Systen, and rather bizarrely, n eported places icing on top of corrupted cake. 
Bruce Almighty

As paragraph is all about cash, opening sentence should read debts, not depts.
First off, Yahweh! is an obvious parody of Yahoo!
Okay, subject of Alfredo Gomez's email states House Improvments.
If only plea was for improvements, then maybe he'd be in business.
The Running Man

Accomodations is an m short of somewhere to stay.
Say hello to retreval, (retrieval's distant little friend).
According to Police Sector VI, Jason 'Jay Man' Argo's occu'pation' is interpretor.
Even if translation is up shit creek without a certain paddle, under no circumstances should anybody contact this asshole.

You have been warned.

Buckle up and enjoy the grand finale.

22 Jump Street
Even in American English, refered always has two 'rr's'.
On behalf of Tulane University, faculty of political scineces award Karen Fletcher with the degree of Master of Psychology.
Congratulations and a right royal piss up would normally be in order, but if I was her, I'd return certificate in protest.
A Room To Die For
Should Matthew J. Gunn and Devanand Shanmugam be proud of their screenpaly?

I sincerely hope not.
Predictive search algorithm ironically predicts a mistake in the form of habilitaded.
Wait a mo, adam bell and adam belle?
Double oops.
Examing summary on the Mexican legend of Anima Sola highlights something else.
Can't think what?
Let Us Prey
The first thing that bothers me is International Police Cooperation, which makes absolutely no fucking sense, as fictitious PNC should end with Corporation.
As for Bryan Heffington (AKA The Whale), what a naughty boy he 'was'.
Charges include assault, fraud and murder, but most heinous of all is posession of stolen goods.  For that alone, hope asshole is wallowing in the eternal fires of typo hell.
Ransom (1996)
Having $4,000,000.00 transfered into my less than healthy bank account would be h
appy days, months and years.
But on general principle, I must rudely decline.
Against all odds, some bullshit about Chef Alfredo Linguini's restaurant has recaputured...
Err, I have no idea and d'yer know what - I don't really care.
Sucker Punch
Lennox House for the Mentally Insane certainly lives up to its name, as admission form demands particulars of religious persuassion.
Outright blasphemy if ever I saw it.
The Changeling
Februry eh? My calendar states February.
Somebody's spouting monthly bilge, and it ain't me.
The Net
To this day, reference remains unresovled.
And rightly so.
The Number 23
Blahdy blah contains a stunning statement.

Dead men are just as leacherous.
On that note, I take it the living variety would be lecherous.
Twelve Monkeys
Pretty weird one this, as crude depiction on suitcase is obviously that of a whale, so why is word immediately below wales?
Welshed if I know.
Jurassic World
Unidentified male who disshatched return request at gyrostation HQ was subsequently sacked for claiming status of indominus male.

Dismissal was spectacularly overturned at Isla Nublar magistrates' court, leaving spectators in raptors.
Ever visited Prauge, the Czech Republic's capital?
You have? Respect.
Visiting the Super Natural website is conditional that you can see dead people.
More importantly, I know how to percieve multidimensional beings.
On my left bollock - it's THE TRUTH.
Open Water 3: Cage Dive
Guts & Glory.  Live Tuesdays and Saturadays.
I won't be applying to be a contestant on new reality game show, as I'm only available on Wednesdays and Sundrays.
St. Trinians
There's no need to underline that the 7 Laws of Crime includes extortian.
If only eccentric star had used his 'noggin', then such nonsense could have been avoided.

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - The scoop and digest

J. A. 'The Orphanage' Bayona follows up Colin Trevorrow's 2015 blockbuster with something that hopefully reinvents franchise's wheel.

Chris Pratt - Owen Grady
Bryce Dallas Howard - Claire
Rafe Spall - Eli Mills
Toby Jones - Gunnar Eversol
Ted Levine - Ken Wheatley
Justice Smith - Franklin
James Cromwell - Benjamin Lockwood
B.D. Wong - Dr. Henry Wu

Three years after previous film, a strong opening sees a team of mercs using submersible to extract a tooth from the Indominus skeleton lying at the bottom of Mosasaurus lagoon.

Despite Rexy attack and Mosa enjoying a meal, mission is successful.

News report informs that a once dormant volcano on Isla Nublar will soon become active.

After all these years, they just found it?


Keen to save dinos from extinction, Claire has formed the Dinosaur Protection Group.

She meets John Hammond's former business partner Benjamin Lockwood (who until now, has never been mentioned before), and his right-hand man Eli Mills, who offer to move dinos to another island.

Transporting x amount of species will be a doddle, but locating Blue may prove troublesome.

Enter Mr. Grady.

Wheatley and his merry band of mercs shoot Blue and tranq Owen, leaving him for dead.

Volcano erupts, causing a stampede, but Owen, Claire and IT geek Franklin survive.

As they sneak aboard huge cruise ship Arcadia, which is now packed with captured dinos, Nublar is destroyed.

At Lockwood's estate, Mills uses auctioneer Eversol to sell creatures to mega rich businessmen.

Masrani Corp. isn't quite Biosyn, but hey ho.

We also hear about Wu's latest creation, the Indoraptor.

Hybrid is based on Indominus's DNA and Owen's Raptor research, with the added kick of advanced tracking capabilities.

When Lockwood gets wind of dino auction, Mills murders him.

Owen and Claire are imprisoned, but while bidding is in full swing, they escape cell by exploiting the services of a Stygimoloch.

Indo is brought in to tease prospective buyers, but resident nutter causes shit to the hit the fan, giving super hybrid licence to have a bit of fun.

At some point, Wu is tranqued, and Mills reveals that Maisie is actually a clone of Lockwood's dead daughter.

Okay then.

After a game of 'dino goes stalking', Blue forces baddie through a glass roof, where baddie is impaled on horns of Triceratops skeleton.

Amusingly, camera shot foreshadows death.

Maisie gives dinos early parole and Mills is shared between Rexy and a Carnotaurus.

As our genetic friends explore the world, Wu's samples are recovered at the estate.

Film ends with Blue letting off signature calling yelp.

A completely unnecessary post-credits scene has pterosaurs flying around a replica of the Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas.


To paraphrase Jeff Goldblum's Dr. Gordon in the original Jurassic Park:

"That was one big pile of shit."

Preposterous plot makes no fucking sense and how events transpire is frankly unbelievable.

Action sequences rehash previous entries, less the excitement or suspense.

Pratt and Howard again share chemistry, but pantomime villains contribute nothing to proceedings.

Oh, it's obligatory for some asshole to carry the burden of comic relief.

Fuck you Franklin.

Check out some incredibly DUMB moments.

Almost immediately after Wheatley apparently 'knocks' Indo out, greedy merc enters cage and attempts to nick a tooth.  If precautions were put in place, this may be plausible, but no - asshole just dives straight in, without even considering the fact that even if tranquilizer darts were effective, hyper intelligent dino could wake up at any moment.

Guess what? He dies.


As soon as rain-soaked finale ends, so does torrential downpour.

Best of all, gotta love lion trading roars with Rexy.


Other than to boost variety, the likes of Sinoceratops, Baryonx, Stegosaurus, Dimetrodon, Carnotaurus and Allosaurus serve little purpose.

There is one genuine highlight.

When approaching Maisie hiding under bed sheets, Indo casts shadow on wall, mimicking Count Orlok in Nosferatu.


How best to sum this up?

A reimagining of The Lost World: Jurassic Park.

Well yeah, but what about Resident Evil?

Lockwood Estate = Spencer Mansion.
Indoraptor = Tyrant.


What a shame self-destruct system isn't activated.

Once Indo escapes, bungled mess transforms into gothic horror, equating to a mild version of Alien.

(Head in hands).

Scheduled for Summer 2021, Trevorrow will be back to direct the third.

God only knows what will happen next.

Friday, 8 June 2018

If this isn't black - you're the greatest denier!

I reboot an old, and very loyal friend.

Glamorizing a colour isn't easy, so let's see if I can pull shit off.


Black Sabbath
Black Moth
Black Flag
Black Mountain
Black Box
Black Pink


Black Cherry - Goldfrapp
Black Coffee - Beth Hart & Joe Bonamassa
Black Focus - Yussef Kamaal
Black Roses - The Rasmus
Black Hours - Hamilton Leithauser
Black Ice - AC/DC
Black Cadillac - Rosanne Cash
Black Labyrinth - Jonathan Davis
Black Love - The Afghan Wings
Black Celebration - Depeche Mode
Black Rose - Thin Lizzy


Once upon a time...

The Last Shadow Puppets grew a Black Plant, Foals plundered Black Gold, Arcade Fire cast the same reflection as a Black Mirror, Alannah Myles wore Black Velvet, Paul Weller dangled a rod in a Black River, Local Natives found a Black Spot, The Darkness owned a Black Shuck, Kings of Leon painted a Black Thumbnail, Tindersticks choked on Black Smoke, Death Cab for Cutie watched the Black Sun rise, Jamiroquai squawked like a Black Crow, The Replacements stole a Black Diamond, Dirty Three let the Black Tide gently wash over them, Led Zeppelin took their Black Dog for walkies, Ram Jam resisted the temptation to take Black Betty, Soundgarden and Ben Harper were caught in Black Rain, Aqualung disappeared inside a Black Hole, Massive Attack guzzled Black Milk for supper, Beck shook a Black Tambourine, Deep Purple basked in the tranquility of a Black Night, Wilco appreciated how the Black Moon shone, Gay Dad are haunted by a Black Ghost, The Raveonettes revelled in Black Satin, Babybird picked Black Flowers, Ben Howard swatted Black Flies, Arctic Monkeys waded through Black Treacle, Biffy Clyro swung from a Black Chandelier, Cherry Ghost felt the nip of Black Fang, Magnum soared through Black Skies, Janet Jackson stroked her Black Cat, The Shins rode a Black Wave, Goo Goo Dolls and The Kills popped a Black Balloon, Leftfield played a Black Flute, The Hives lost a mint bluffing at Black Jack, Soundgarden only tour on a Black Saturday, Kids in Glass Houses and Morrissey couldn't lose the persistence of a Black Cloud, Aztec Camera took an instant shine to Black Lucia, The Vines slayed a Black Dragon, Yeah Yeah Yeahs sacrificed a Black Tongue, Little Mix and Jarvis Cocker weaved Black Magic, Shinedown drove a Black Cadillac and Beach House pulled up in their Black Car.

The end.


Black Sun
Black Dogs
Black Beauty
Black Hornet
Black Boy
Black Horse
Black House
Black Water
Black Sunday
Black Coffee

Starring his most famous creation - Conan the Barbarian, Black Colossus is a short story by Robert E. Howard.  It was originally published in Weird Tales (June, 1933).

A. E. van Vogt's sci-fi short Black Destroyer first appeared on the front of Astounding magazine (July, 1939), which later formed part of 'fix-up' compilation The Voyage of the Space Beagle.

Television shows

Black Mirror
Black Sails
Black Plague
Black Lake
Black Lightning
Black Knight

In Game of Thrones, Black Cells are a level of dungeons of Red Keep.


Bet you've forgotten this one.

Black Vulcan featured in Hanna-Barbera's Super Friends.

No? Don't believe you.


Black Canary
Black Mask


Black Cat
Black Panther¹
Black Widow
Black Tom

Elektra adopts the name of 'another' Black Sky in The Defenders, Selene Gallio (enemy of the X-Men), becomes the Black Queen and the Black Order is Thanos' team of loyal subjects.

¹So far, T'Challa is the only character to get his own film.


Black Bard
Black Steel
Black Detective
Black Torch
Black Knight
Black God
Black Jack
Black Lagoon
Black Cat
Black Butler

Most were inevitably adapted into anime.


Black Angel
Black Swan²
Black Swarm
Black Orpheus
Black Tide
Black Narcissus
Black Peter
Black List
Black Rain
Black Rose (1969 and 2014)
Black Sheep (1996 and 2006)
Black Spring
Black Sabbath
Black Knight
Black Mask
Black Christmas³
Black Dawn
Black Moon
Black Eagle (1988 and 2013)
Black Death
Black Dynamite
Black Forest (2010 and 2015)
Black Snake
Black Souls
Black Butterfly
Black Mass
Black Ball
Black Mountain
Black Roses
Black Samurai
Black Cobra⁴
Black Thunder
Black Water (2007 and 2018)
Black Sunday
Black Bart⁵

²Famously ripped off anime Perfect Blue.
³Remade in 2006, and guess what? It was fucking terrible.
⁴First of four Italian blaxploitation action flicks.
⁵Based on real life outlaw Charles Bowles.

London pub the Black Prince is now associated with The Kingsman franchise.

Video games

Black Lamp
Black Heart
Black Panther
Black Dahlia⁶
Black Magic
Black Tiger
Black Dawn
Black Hole
Black Widow

⁶Point-and-click starred Dennis Hopper and Teri Garr and was inspired by the horrific murder of Elizabeth Short, at the hands of unidentified serial killer, the Cleveland Torso Murderer.

Black Mesa is the setting for Half-Life and reffed in the lyrics to Jonathan Coulton's Still Alive.

The ruling body of the Dark Brotherhood in The Elder Scrolls is the Black Hand.

At some point, Firebrand (or whatever you wanna call him), will pay the Black Lotus a visit in the criminally underrated SNES classic Demon's Crest.

Black Dragon is a clan of mercenaries in Mortal Kombat.

Random as fuck I know, but Black Rose is a stage in Clive Barker's Jericho.


Black Forest is a mountain range in Germany and Sunderland FC are nicknamed the Black Cats.

In 1440, Lord Chancellor, Sir William Crichton, organised what would be later known as a black dinner.

While two brothers of the powerful Clan Douglas dined with a very young King James II of Scotland, a black bull's head (a symbol of death), was brought in.

Shortly after, siblings lost their heads.

In English law, a judge passing sentence of death wears a black cap.

Thir13en Ghosts is the 2001 remake of William Castle's 13 Ghosts.

Standard twelve surround the machine, as Arthur, who becomes the Thirteenth (The Broken Heart) looks on.
Interesting stuff, but what's this gotta do with anything?

Magic number collectively forms the Black Zodiac.


Black Bag (Viz)
'The faithful border bin liner' is a parody of The Dandy's wonder dog Black Bob.
Black Númenórean (The Silmarillion and The Lord of the Rings)
General Zod's warship Black Zero visits Metropolis in Zack Snyder's Man of Steel.
'The' was ditched for series 2 onwards, but nobody can forget the history of The Black Adder.

Before cowardly hero is appointed Canterbury's religious top dog, Edmund wears the Black Russian codpiece in controversial episode The Archbishop..
Ha ha ha!

To mop up, Duke of Edinburgh rides Black Satin.


Black Square - Kazimir Malevich
Black Cross and Black Circle are also part of his CV.

More, more, more.

Black Magic - René Magritte
Black Warrior - Ken Kelly
Black Panther - Frank Frazetta
Two from Boris Vallejo.

Black Axe
Black Robe
Saturn Devouring His Son is the most famous of Francisco Goya's fourteen strong series of Black Paintings.
Movie characters

Black Badger (Central Intelligence)
Black Death (Kick-Ass 2)
Black Fingernail (Carry On Don't Lose Your Head)
Black Hat (Priest 2011)
Black Knight (Monty Python and The Holy Grail)
Black Phillip (The Witch: A New-England Folktale)
Black Thunder (Real Steel)
Video games


Black Baron (MadWorld)
Black Lotus (Bushido Blade)
Black Machine (Champion Wrestler)
Black Manta (Injustice 2)
Black Orchid (Killer Instinct)
Black Widow (Ring of Destruction: Slam Masters II)
Black Stallion (The Final Round)
Black Hawk (Samurai Shodown Sen)
Black Shadow (F-Zero X)

Black Mantle (Pocky & Rocky)
Black Pudding (Cadash)
Black Thunder (Viewtiful Joe)
Black Tiger (Resident Evil Gamecube remake)
Black Turtle (Shinobi)
Black Viper (Contra IV)
Black Wolf (Sword of Mana)
Two's company for:

Black Dragon

Dungeons & Dragons: Tower of Doom
Ultimate Ghosts 'n Goblins
 Black Knight

Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance
Scooby-Doo! Night of 100 Frights
Last, but by no means least.

Shadow of the Hedgehog

Black Bull
Black Doom
Go down well?

(Smoother than my favourite pint).

Fancy another?

(Did Rembrandt use a brush?)

I'll chew it over.
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