Thursday, 18 January 2018

Insidious: The Last Key - The scoop and digest

For prequel number two (and sequel to Chapter 3), fledgling director Adam Robitel ditches numbering system for subtitle.

Lin Shaye - Elise
Angus Sampson - Tucker
Leigh Whannell - Specs
Spencer Locke - Melissa
Caitlin Gerard - Imogen
Bruce Davison - Christian
Josh Stewart - Gerald

1953, New Mexico, Five Keys.

Young Elise is beaten and locked inside the basement by her father Gerald for claiming she sees ghosts of prisoners executed in the electric chair.

An angelic voice persuades her to unlock a mysterious door, giving a demon called Key Face licence to possess wee lassie.

Audrey (her mother) is murdered and Gerald arrives on the scene, just as Elise returns to normal.

If he's got the key, then I must have the secret.

2010, California.

Let's stop for a minute.


Because doing the maths my friend is 57 years later.

Yeah so?

Ripley was rescued by a deep salvage crew after spending same amount of time in hypersleep.

You're not suggesting...

Yes I am.

Aliens ref?


Bullshit.  It's coincidence.

Maybe, maybe not.

Now where was I?

Waking from a nightmare, paranormal investigator Elise reluctantly accepts work from a man named Garza, who's experiencing things that go bump in the night at her childhood home.

Shortly after finding a whistle which brother Christian used to alert mummy, a female ghost snatches old fashioned example.

Elise tells bumbling psychic colleagues Tucker and Specs that she previously clocked apparition as a teenager, but fearing another beating from Gerald, kept trap firmly shut and legged it.

At a diner, we meet Christian and his daughters Melissa and Imogen.

Behind basement wall, Elise finds a woman chained up by Garza.

With secret spilled, captor inevitably turns nasty, but Specs arranges for bookcase to kill him.


Melissa goes exploring and gets fingered by antagonist.

Modus operandi removes voice and soul, sending victim into a coma.

Courtesy of startling convenience, Imogen can also astral project.

Suitcases housing female remains reveals Garza wasn't the only geezer up to no good over the years.

Key Face pops up to say hello and before going back down below, drags Elise's ass into the Further.

Never fear, niece is here.

Led by the spirit of murdered girl Anna, Imogen locates baddie's prison realm, where captured souls are stored inside cells.

Realising that Key Face manipulated Garza and Gerald, Elise is encouraged to knock ten bells out of father, but refuses to comply.

"I'm not feeding you any more hatred demon.  You can fucking starve."

[Stunned silence].

Whoa! Can't believe what I just heard.  Hey Elise, here. [Tosses money on cell floor].
Attagirl! I got respect for this kid.  She's got a lot of fucking balls.  Good for you! Don't take no shit off nobody.

Key Face goes to work on Elise, but before soul steal is completed, Imogen throws her the whistle and calls Audrey.

Mother's spirit defeats demon by clouting it with lantern.

Ha ha ha! Can you fucking believe this shit?

Didn't think so.

After reconciling with Christian, Elise heads home.

A vision of Darth Maul, err Lipstick-Face Demon looming over Dalton interrupts Elise's beauty sleep and a chat with Lorraine Lambert on the blower sets up events of James Wan's original.

Enough is enough

I could use many adjectives, but choose only one.


I'm not sure how, but I somehow managed to stay awake.

Although hideously bad, there are positives.

Lin Shaye gives another strong performance and to a degree, jump scares can be effective.

James Wan's concept was novel to begin with, but franchise has run its spectral marathon.

Tuesday, 16 January 2018

Street Fighter - Brilliant blunders (Part 1)

Following 'gratuitous gaffes' and 'calamitous cock-ups', comes...


TWW - The World Warrior
CE - Champion Edition
HF - Hyper Fighting
TNC - The New Challengers

For punches and kicks, let's briefly slam what shouldn't be seen and heard in TWW, CE and HF.

Setting of car smash bonus stage is basically a cut down version of Ken's stage, but for whatever reason, boat with flag that once got wind is now static.

Unlike Blanka's electricity, effect of Dhalsim's fiery breath condemns sprites to one size.  This just looks daft when Chunners, Zangief, Honda and Blanka are incinerated.

Apart from Chun-Li, everybody emits same death scream.

Despite having different nationalities, Ryu and Ken sound identical.

It doesn't stop there.

For example:

Zangief, Sagat and Honda mimic each other's cackle during victory poses.

Vega's grunt for performing suplex is the same as Honda and Sagat's throw.

Etc etc.

Much of what I mention was fixed in TNC and Super Turbo.

However, Balrog's 1 2 3 Turning Punch voice is actually that of ring announcer.

But regardless of remake or update, Ken's boat and/or yacht is immortalised in video game history for defying the laws of physics by bobbing up and down on inanimate sea.

Okay, here we go.

The United Kingdom is a sovereign state.  A commonwealth realm and a kingdom of four constituent countries (England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland).

Known as the Union Flag, (commonly called the Union Jack), is composed of flags (or symbols) of England, Scotland and Ireland.

Wales is indirectly represented through the flag of St George, as Wales was part of the former Kingdom of England.

England's flag is derived from St George's Cross.

In short, England is only part of the UK.

So what the fuck does this have to do with anything?

Before emigrating to Italy in SF Alpha, Birdie was based in England.

I use Fighting Street (PC Engine port of Street Fighter) as proof.

But look at flag.


Same with Cammy in TNC.

Background of Union Jack is purple, not blue.


So it should be.

In SF III: New Generation and 2nd Impact: Giant Attack, the mustachioed Dudley boxed in London.

Geographical delusion returned in 3rd Strike.


Fifty stars (or 'dots') for fifty states?


Street Fighter

Course select
(32 states)
Then on map.

5 states

TWW, CE and HF
13 states
But in TNC

25 states

New globe yes, but it's the same in Super Turbo.

SF III: 2nd Impact

Huge flag on building in Alex's stage cannot be missed.

39 stars
But pre-match image appears to count correct quota.

It gets weirder in 3rd Strike.

Same character, different stage has a very disjointed 44 states.
Why keep changing things?

Sean fights in Brazil.


But stage contradicts itself with Brasil.

Make up your bastard mind.

TWW debuted in February 1991.

Therefore, comrade Zangief coming from U.S.S.R. is fine.

CE and HF came out in 1992.

By now, the U.S.S.R. no longer existed, as former Soviet Union was dissolved on 26 December 1991.

Belarus, Georgia, Moldova, Lativa and obviously Russia, are all examples of post-Soviet states.

Capcom first acknowledged Moscow in SF III, as we fight Necro in New Generation (flagless) and 2nd Impact.

Russian flag is apparently Moscow in 2nd Impact, but I'll let that one slide.
3rd Strike reverted back to countries, and like compatriot Twelve, Russia is Necro's homeland.
I think you could call this progress.

For what is essentially HD Remix wearing uninteresting new features, asking price for Switch exclusive Ultra SF2: The Final Challengers is daylight robbery.

Fair enough, gallery was cool, but Way of the Hado is one of the worst fucking things I've ever played.

Nevertheless, let's look at specifics of wholly unnecessary update.

Well shit.

23 years after Super Turbo was first released, Zangief finally hails from Russia and together with fellow Americans Balrog and Ken, Guile represents one of 50 states.

But what of Cammy?

Nervous drum roll...


Still, at least the St Andrew's Cross is blue.


Alex's portrait without vest in 2nd Impact and 3rd Strike.

 But he 'can' shred garment Hulk Hogan style pre-fight.

Capcom only knows why, but blondie declines to do so in New Generation.

Ken's stage in 2nd Impact is all about Ken Masters, but there's no way in the world sign says 'Masters'.
Looking closer, it's more like 'Mastr'.
You'll love this one from 3rd Strike.

Nothing sinister about hovering over and/or selecting Twelve.
 But if you come across him during 1P mode.

Freak's name has changed to Tweleve.

Via fussy code, Akuma is playable in Super Turbo.

Face was merely a silhouette.
Black square miniature is unacceptable.
Come on, be fucking consistent.

Finally, a very unusual mistake in Street Fighter Alpha.

Note apostrophe after Warriors showing plural possession, and placement of TM.
Every home version replicated logo, except for the incredible Game Boy Color port.

Ignoring purple background, Crawfish Interactive 'forgot' about punctuation and bizarrely moved position of trademark.
Cake may be cut into two more slices, but we'll see.

Wednesday, 10 January 2018

Classical music in video games

Featuring the likes of Mussorgsky, Bach, Rossini, Mozart, Beethoven et al, pixels take a break from bosses, stealth kills, exploration etc etc to bask in the cultural limelight.

Ultimate resource caters for every generation and detailing specific format and/or circumstances is at my discretion.


Mario. Bros - Eine Kleine Nachtmusik - Mozart
Phoenix - Fur Elise - Beethoven
Street Fighter II (Ken's ending) - Mendelssohn - Wedding March
Gyruss - Toccata and Fugue in D Minor - J.S. Bach
Lazarian - Ode to Joy - Beethoven and William Tell Overture - Rossini
Dragon's Lair II: Time Warp - Symphony No. 5 in C Minor - Beethoven

Sexy Parodius

Symphony No. 5, 1st Movement - Beethoven
Habanera aria (from Carmen) - Georges Bizet
Eine Kleine Nachtmusik - Mozart
Turkish March - Mozart
Flight of the Bumblebee - Korsakov
Can-can (from Orpheus in the Underworld) - Jacques Offenbach
Messiah Part II "Hallelujah Chorus" - Handel
Fur Elise - Beethoven


Sabre Dance - Aram Khachaturian
Thunder and Lightning Polka - Johann Strauss II
Flight of the Bumblebee - Korsakov
William Tell Overture - Rossini

Neo Geo

Power Instinct Matrimelee - Wedding March - Mendelssohn
Fatal Fury 2, Fatal Fury Special and Real Bout Fatal Fury Special - Requiem Dies Irae - Mozart (Krauser's stage)
The King of Fighters 2003 - Revolutionary Etude - Chopin

8 bits


Crash 'n the Boys: Street Challenge - Spring (Four Seasons) - Vivaldi and Toccata and Fugue in D Minor - J.S. Bach
Wild Gunman - Funeral March - Chopin
Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde - Wedding March - Mendelssohn
The Adventures of Captain Comic - Sonata in A major - Mozart
Tetris - Les Toreadors (from Carmen Suite No. 1) - Georges Bizet
Final Fantasy - Swan Lake ballet - Tchaikovsky
The Battle of Olympus - Toccata and Fugue in D Minor - J.S. Bach
Tetris - French suite No. 3 in B Minor - J.S. Bach

Dr. Franken on Game Boy uses J.S. Bach's The Well Tempered Clavier in C for title screen music and Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata for gameplay.

Home computers

Kane (C64) - William Tell Overture - Rossini
Kane II (C64) - Light Cavalry Overture - Franz von Suppé
Winter Games - Waltz of the Flowers - Tchaikovsky
Dark Castle - Toccata and Fugue in D Minor - J.S. Bach
Mr. Freeze - Air (Suite No. 3 in D major) - J.S. Bach
Moon Alert (Spectrum) - Ride of the Valkyries - Wagner
Sabre Wulf - Prelude in C from the Well Tempered Clavier Book 1 - Bach
Manic Miner - Blue Danube - Johann Strauss II (title screen) and In the Hall of the Mountain King - Edvard Grieg (in-game)
The Birds and the Bees - Flight of the Bumblebee - Korsakov
The Birds and the Bees II: Antics - Toccata and Fugue in D Minor - J.S. Bach
Rockman (Spectrum) - Eine Kleine Nachtmusik - Mozart
Jet Set Willy - Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven (title screen)
Dragon's Den (C64) - In the Hall of the Mountain King - Edvard Grieg and William Tell Overture - Rossini
Mermaid Madness (C64) - Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy - Tchaikovsky
Spiky Harold (Spectrum) - Flight of the Bumblebee - Korsakov (title screen)
Sanxion (C64) - Montagues and Capulets (Suite 2 from Romeo and Juliet) - Prokofiev
Bride of Frankenstein - Toccata and Fugue in D Minor - J.S. Bach
Black Hawk (C64) - Ride of the Valkyries - Wagner
Gemstone Warrior - Prelude in C from the Well Tempered Clavier Book 1 - J.S. Bach
Geoff Capes Strongman - Blue Danube - Johann Strauss II
Dynamite Dan and Dynamite Dan II - Turkish March - Mozart
The Castles of Doctor Creep (C64) - Hungarian Dance No. 5 - Johannes Brahms
Elite - Blue Danube - Johann Strauss II
Protector II (C64) - Solfeggietto in C Minor - C.P.E. Bach
Gunship - Ride of the Valkyries - Wagner
Shamus (C64) - Funeral March of a Marionette - Charles Gounod
Hero of the Golden Talisman - Toccata and Fugue in D Minor - J.S. Bach
Survivor (C64) - Ride of the Valkyries - Wagner
Head over Heels (C64) - Piano Sonata in C - Mozart and Blue Danube - Johann Strauss II

Friday the 13th (C64)

Wedding March - Mendelssohn
Sleepers and Awake! - J.S. Bach
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor - J.S. Bach

Foxx Fights Back (C64)

Les Toreadors (from Carmen Suite No. 1) - Georges Bizet
In the Hall of the Mountain King - Edvard Grieg
Hungarian Dance No. 5 - Johannes Brahms

16 bits

Home computers and consoles

Ring: The Legend of Nibelungen (DOS) - Siegfried's Funeral March - Wagner
First Samurai (Amiga) - Messiah Part II "Hallelujah Chorus" - Handel
Second Samurai (Amiga) - Carmina Burana O Fortuna - Carl Orff
Loom - Swan Lake ballet - Tchaikovsky
Horror Zombies From the Crypt (Amiga) - Dance of the Knights (from Romeo and Juliet) - Prokofiev
Earthworm Jim - Night on Bald Mountain - Modest Mussorgsky
Earthworm Jim 2 - Moonlight Sonata (3rd movement) - Beethoven
Weird Dreams (Amiga) - Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy - Tchaicovsky
King Arthur's World (SNES) - Ride of the Valkyries - Wagner
Alone in the Dark - Waltz in A-flat major Opus 69 No. 1 - Chopin and Danse Macabre - Camille Saint Saëns
Alone in the Dark 2 - The Flying Dutchman - Wagner

Frontier: Elite II (Amiga)

Baba Yaga - Modest Mussorgsky
In The Hall of the Mountain King - Edvard Grieg
Night on Bald Mountain and The Great Gates of Kiev - Modest Mussorgsky
Ride of the Valkyries - Richard Wagner
Blue Danube - Johann Strauss II

Lemmings (Amiga)

Turkish March - Mozart
Dance of the Reed Flutes and Miniature Overture - Tchaikovsky
Can-can (from Orpheus in the Underworld) - Jacques Offenbach

Fantasia (Mega Drive)

Toccata and Fugue in D Minor - J.S. Bach
The Sorcerer's Apprentice - Paul Dukas
Dance of the Hours - Amilcare Ponchielli

Sid Meier's Cilvization series (particularly IV), is packed with Bach, Dvořák, Brahms, Mozart and lashings of Beethoven.

Parodius series


Concerto for Piano No. 1 - Tchaikovsky
Moonlight Sonata (3rd movement) - Beethoven
In the Hall of the Mountain King - Edvard Grieg
Fantaisie-Impromptu - Chopin
Symphony No. 9 (4th Movement from the New World) - Antonín Dvořák
Swan Lake Suite - Tchaicovsky
Ride of the Valkyries - Wagner
5th Symphony, 1st Movement - Beethoven
Les Toreadors (from Carmen Suite No. 1) - Georges Bizet
Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2 - Franz Liszt
Symphony No. 9, 4th Movement - Beethoven
Flight of the Bumblebee - Korsakov

(SNES/Super Famicom)


Flight of the Bumblebee - Korsakov
Waltz of the Sugar Plum Fairy (from the Nutcracker suite) - Tchaikovsky
In the Hall of the Mountain King - Edvard Grieg
William Tell Overture - Rossini
Sabre Dance - Aram Khachaturian
Can-can (from Orpheus in the Underworld) - Jacques Offenbach
Hungarian Dance No. 5 - Johannes Brahms
Pictures at an Exhibition - Modest Mussorgsky

Gokujou Parodius

Turkish March - Mozart
William Tell Overture - Rossini
Flight of the Bumblebee - Korsakov
Ride of the Valkyries - Wagner
Symphony No. 9 (4th Movement from the New World) - Antonín Dvořák

Jikkyōu Oshasberi Parodius

Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, 1st Movement - Mozart
Minuet in G - J.S. Bach
Flight of the Bumblebee - Korsakov
Arabesque - Claude Debussy


Asura's Wrath - Symphony No. 9 in E Minor (1st Movement from the New World) - Antonín Dvořák
Point Blank (PS1) - William Tell Overture - Rossini
Megaman Legends (PS1) - Air (Suite No. 3 in D major) - J.S. Bach and Waltz of the Flowers - Tchaicovsky
Hitman: Blood Money - Ave Maria - Schubert
Bioshock Infinite - Requiem in D Minor - Mozart
Donkey Konga - Turkish March - Mozart
Donkey Konga 2 - Minute Waltz - Chopin
Tatsunoko vs. Capcom: Ultimate All-Stars - Can-can (from Orpheus in the Underworld) - Jacques Offenbach
D2 (Dreamcast) - Turkish March - Mozart
Haunting Ground - Liebestraume Notturno No. 3 - Franz Liszt
Clock Tower 3 - Fantaisie-Impromptu - Chopin
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Justice for All (GBA) - Toccata and Fugue in D Minor - J.S. Bach
Grand Theft Auto V - Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy - Tchaikovsky
Colony Wars: Vengeance - Hebrides Overture "Fingal's Cave" - Mendelssohn
Bioshock Infinite - Canon in D major - Pachelbel
Kingdom Hearts - Night on Bald Mountain - Modest Mussorgsky
World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade (DOS) - Nocturne in C Sharp Minor - Chopin
Portal 2 - Little Prelude in C Minor - J.S. Bach
Wolfenstein: The New Order - Fur Elise - Beethoven

Little King's Story (Wii) and Mad Maestro (PS2) are dominated by classical porn.

When it comes to music, Catherine can be a literal Nightmare.

To name a few:

Revolutionary Etude - Chopin
Symphony No. 9 in E Minor (1st Movement from the New World) - Antonín Dvořák
Funeral March - Chopin
Polovtsian Dances - Alexander Borodin
Messiah Part II "Hallelujah Chorus" - Handel

Figure skating at Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games (Wii) has you twirling and dancing to the tune of:

Swan Lake and Waltz of the Flowers - Tchaikovsky
Fantaise-Impromptu - Chopin
Spring (Four Seasons) - Vivaldi
Ave Maria - Schubert
Skater's Waltz - Emile Waldteufel

Crash: Twinsanity

Flight of the Bumblebee - Korsakov
Blue Danube - Johann Strauss II
Hebrides Overture "Fingal's Cave" - Mendelssohn

Jill, and after practicing in Chris's scenario, Rebecca, both famously play the Moonlight Sonata in whichever version of Resident Evil.

Others to use Beethoven's signature piece are Return to Castle Wolfenstein and the more obscure Echo Night: Beyond.

Return Fire

Flight of the Bumblebee - Korsakov
The Planets - Mars, the Bringer of War - Gustav Holst
Ride of the Valkyries - Wagner
In the Hall of the Mountain King - Edvard Grieg
Requiem Dies Irae - Verdi

Eternal Sonata is set inside a world dreamed up by Chopin during composer's final hours.

Unsurprisingly, Tristesse, Heroic, Raindrops, Grande Valse, Brillante, Fantaisie-Impromptu, Nocturne and Revolution are courtesy of the great man himself.

Sherlock Holmes: Secret of the Silver Earring (Wii)

Humoresque - Antonín Dvořák
Violin Sonata - Edvard Grieg
Souvenir d'un lieu cher, Op 42 - Tchaikovsky
Piano Quartet in E flat major, Op 47 - Robert Schumann

Just a few more before I'm done.

The Evil Within - Air (Suite No. 3 in D major) - J.S. Bach

When Sebastian approaches safe area, both original and far superior sequel boast Claude Debussy's Clair de Lune (from Suite Bergamasque).

Slow burning but totally absorbing, I don't know many who didn't like Until Dawn.

Supermassive Games used the following J.S. Bach compositions.

During Dr. Hill's therapy sessions, ears are treated to the eloquence of Goldberg Variations and while taking a bath, Sam listens to Cello Suite No. 1 in G major, blissfully unaware that Josh is not far away.

Who said video games weren't educational?

Ha ha ha!

Monday, 1 January 2018

Final Fight - The Battle Ends

Happy New Year!

In stark comparison to classic original, remainder is largely restricted to a single format.

Final Fight 2, Capcom 1993 (Super Famicom/SNES)

North American/European box art literally ‘covering’ the meat of Mega Drive classic Streets of Rage and tidbits from sequel is possibly more famous than actual game.

For some reason, Damnd can also be seen, even though dreadlocks doesn’t feature in gameplay.

Weighing in at a modest 10 megs, a resurgent Mad Gear kidnaps Guy’s fiancée Rena and her father Genryusai.

How original.

Rena’s sister Maki contacts Haggar for help.

Carlos owes Haggar and Guy so much and enjoys kick’n butt.

His words, not mine.

Brawling begins in Hong Kong, then moves to France, Holland, England, Italy and finally Japan.

So the same idea as Double Dragon III: The Rosetta Stone.

Aside from some new enemies, weapons and uninteresting specials, the most notable addition is simultaneous play.

Even with extra sprite, you’ll only ever fight a maximum of three enemies at any one time.

Inserting area transition sequences and story dialogue between stages adds beef to presentation.

Won Won (chef), Freddie (Andore alternative), Bratken (Frankenstein’s monster wannabe), Phillipe (clown), Rolent (misspelled relative of Rolento?) and Retu (Kabuki-esque brick shithouse with long pink hair) completes uninspiring boss line-up.

Despite obvious improvements, stages stop way too often and make rescue attempt very fucking boring.

Still, there are some nice looking backgrounds.


Japanese enemies Mary and Eliza are replaced with Robert and Leon.

Hong Kong boss Won Won uses a meat cleaver in Japan, but unarmed in North America and Europe.


Final Fight Tough, Capcom 1995 (Super Famicom/SNES)

Sensibly renamed Final Fight 3 when released for North America and Europe in 1996, 24 megs of hardcore action returns to classic Metro City roots (less kidnapping theme).

Mad Gear is no more, so gangs scrap among themselves to decide who reigns supreme.

In the end, Skull Cross rules the roost.

Guy’s back, mainstay Haggar has perversely grown a huge ponytail, and newcomers Dean and Lucia are on hand to clean up the trash.

Co-op play is retained, but now, you can hit each other.

If humans can’t be trusted to turn on each other, selecting Auto-2P puts all your eggs in computer’s basket.

As well as a greater variety of grabs and throws, being able to dash for the first time (archetypal to other classics such as Captain Commando, The Punisher and Cadillacs & Dinosaurs etc), also increases combo potential.

Once Super gauge is filled, characters can execute deadly specials via basic motion (a la Streets of Rage II).

If character picks up his/her specialist weapon, a unique combo can be performed.

Dialogue and screens in between stages reveal Skull Cross have been smuggling weapons inside cargo ship owned by Sim Inc.

If story actually went anywhere, I might give a shit, but as it doesn't...

Wrecking a bulldozer and destroying super computer are bonus chores.

Another series first is branching path system which kicks in part way through third stage.

If bus stop is destroyed - stage ends, but resist, and action continues.

Basically, there are two different stage fours.

We fight a bevvy of new enemies and bosses are a vast improvement over tepid predecessor.

Most importantly, this runs at a much better pace, which eliminates the possibility of falling asleep at the joypad.


For the first time since Mighty Final Fight on NES, North American and European versions have a female baddie.

Bizarrely, May has no palette swap.

Nintendo also allowed Guy to wield signature weapon Nunchaku.

Some enemies in the Japanese version are darker skinned, but other than that.

Final Fight Revenge, 1999 (Arcade)

Developed by American division Capcom Production Studio 8, spin-off was the first to debut in arcades since classic original.

It was released for Saturn only in Japan a year later, which was also system’s final game.

Damnd, Cody, Sodom, Haggar, Sodom, Rolento, El Gado, Edi. E, Poison and Guy are all itching to get started.

3D models in lamentable 2D one-on-one fighter were ugly back then, and camera only rotates for dramatic effect.

Arenas contain an assortment of melee weapons (knife, sword, night stick, claw) and firearms (shotgun, spark shot*, bazooka, flamethrower).

*Possible ref to Claire's glorified stun gun of same name in Resident Evil 2?

Boxes can be broken for health-ups and once gauge is filled, two supers are at your disposal.

Zombie Belger is unplayable end boss who during staff roll, parodies dance in Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

Now for the main event.

Final Fight Streetwise, 2006 (PS2/Xbox)

Non-canonical spin-off was CPS 8's final game and roaming fighter was clearly influenced by Yakuza and even Square’s infamous bomb The Bouncer.

You play as Cody's pit fighting brother Kyle Travers.

Kyle gets knocked out and Cody gets kidnapped by The Stiff in Vanessa's bar.

About Kyle's bird, she's sexy AND tough.  Not a bad combination.

Kicking enemy's ass with fist, feet, melee weapon or firearm gains respect and talking to NPCs extracts information.

Instinct moves are more powerful, but drains meter.

As a nice touch, bad guys can mimic Damnd whistle.

There is no set opportunity to save.  Instead, checkpoints occur after boss fight, cut scene event or quitting game.

Not ideal, but whatever.

Cash can be earned by partaking in optional side missions, ranging from cockroach crushing, arm wrestling, slinging arrows and trashing Weasel's car.

Another way to line pockets is to challenge various opponents in the pit, (including Andore and Street Fighter babe Cammy).

Extra techniques can be learned at Tiger's Gym and when found, you can spar with and buy moves from Haggar and Guy.

Ignoring remixes of original tunes, music from the likes of Soldiers, Gizmachi, Sacrifice, Dub Pistols and Nappy Roots can be purchased at Boomer's Electronics & Music.

We learn that while working for Father Bella, The Stiff supplied Cody with glycolauric octano (Glow), to cure arthritic knees.

Insane priest forced female scientist Dr. Chang to create addictive steroid to bring Armageddon and destroy well known crime capital.

Pumped with immense dosage of Glow, War (Weasel), Famine (Blades), Pestilence and Death (The Stiff) become the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Chang refers to original creation Pestilence as 'sweetie'.

Declaring himself to be 'Belger', Father Bella is still pissed at Cody for killing younger brother.

Those familiar with Die Hard with a Vengeance may say this is the same principle.

Bella = Simon Gruber
Cody = John McClane


After dealing with Cody Death twice, Belger faces off against Kyle.

Defeating Belger sees brother coming to his senses and Kyle extinguishes villain's deranged light with a head shot.

Later in hospital, Cody's knees are better than ever.

Awful graphics, broken camera angles, ridiculous story, disjointed soundtrack and a charmless potty-mouthed script (complemented by hilariously bad voice acting), means iconic franchise ends on a low.

Kyle interrupts Weasel getting head in a porn theatre.

"I'm looking for someone known as The Stiff."

Whore replies:

"Oo, you're not the only one baby."

Did a kid fucking write this?

Arcade mode serves a hefty helping of bullshit and although Ultracade's unlockable World arcade looks nice, gameplay and music are more disgusting than toilet bowl caked in last night's curry.

This is definitely not the version from Capcom Classics Collection (PS2/Xbox) and PSP equivalent Remixed.

Thursday, 21 December 2017

DVD Déjà vu 2017

Julia X vs Run! Bitch Run!

Nightmares Come at Night vs I Am Not a Serial Killer

Followed vs Eden Lake

Berlin Syndrome vs It Follows

Scars vs Girls Against Boys

Come Out and Play vs Kingdom Hospital

Botched vs Hostel

Cloud Atlas vs Hereafter

Slaughter High vs Scum

Dark Amazon vs Babysitter Wanted

Gone (2012) vs Salt

All the best for Christmas and see you next year.
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