Sunday, 14 February 2016

Deadpool - The scoop and digest

While video game lacked originality, roaming beat 'em up simply oozed anti-hero's personality.

Hope you've got those chimichangas in as red spandex gets his own film.

Ryan Reynolds - Deadpool/Wade Wilson
Michael Benyaer - Francis/Ajax
T.J. Miller - Weasel
Stefan Capicic - Colossus (voice)
Brianna Hildebrand - Negasonic Teenage Warhead
Morena Baccarin - Vanessa
Gina Carano - Angel Dust

After terrific opening sequence where many lie dead at the hands of Deadpool's firepower and pointy sticks, we have to go back two years to learn how ass came to be.

Run by bartender and friend Weasel, mercenary Wade Wilson visits Sister Margaret's and meets love interest Vanessa at a strip joint.

Sometime later, Wade suddenly collapses and diagnosed with cancer.

He reluctantly undergoes treatment, but first must endure tortuous methods administered by Angel Dust until mutation kicks in.

As a consequence of cure, face is heavily disfigured.

Taking refuge at blind woman's house Al, he becomes blank eyed masked vigilante.

In the midst of bloodshed, Deadpool collars Francis and demands he spills how to make face pretty again.

Already dispatched by Wolverine from X-Mansion, the fiery Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Colossus intervene which allows Francis to leg it.

Chrome balls handcuffs Deadpool and drags him away.

Ever seen 127 Hours?

Spoiler alert.

Weasel convinces Wade to swallow deformed pride and visit Vanessa.

Believing hooded figure to be Wade, Vanessa is kidnapped by Francis and Angel Dust.

Negasonic and Colossus agree to help Deadpool and arrive at decommissioned S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier.

Deadpool makes short work of henchmen while Colossus and Negasonic lock horns with Angel Dust, who executes 'superhero landing'.

With a rack like hers, I wouldn't mind having a squeeze...

Francis and Deadpool unleash pent-up aggression and baddie's goose is eventually cooked with a bullet to the head.

We don't see Angel Dust actually die, so I guess she's captured off screen.

Negasonic and Colossus accept Deadpool's unwillingness to join X-men and our man enjoys a cheeky tongue wrestle with Vanessa.

Staying after part animated credit roll sees Deadpool in dressing gown superbly parodying Ferris Bueller and teases Cable may feature in probable sequel.

Ryan Reynolds has done some pretty shite films, but all is forgiven.

Not since The Punisher has Marvel got adult and Tim Miller's feature debut hilariously breaks the fourth wall.

Talking to the camera, pausing action and cuing music, main man is a delight.

It's always fun to hear thespian taking the piss out of his/her cinematic bombs and references made to The Green Lantern (super suit green or animated) and something about X-Men Origins: Wolverine are super cute.

Blade II is also mentioned, but Reynolds only starred in Trinity.

Errr.

Potty-mouthed script is crammed with quick-fire vulgarities and not since Ted 2 have I laughed so hard.

Andre Tricoteux provides faultless motion capture, T.J. Miller delivers rampant sarcasm and Hildebrand takes every amusing insult from Deadpool on the chin.

Compliments include Ripley from Alien 3 and Sinéad O'Connor (Nothing Compares 2 U).

Of course she and iconic music video made it famous, not Prince's funk group The Family...

Apart from tits, watch out for Stan Lee's cameo as strip joint's DJ.

The principle of Kick-Ass lingers, but Deadpool existed way before swimsuit in comic book land.

Some films should be skipped like television channels.

Avoid this at your peril.

Friday, 29 January 2016

Video games Lost in Translation - Reborn

After period of absence, freinds returns to display more from bowels of heated nonsence.

The severalverse is under threat and needs there input.  Accepting challenge lated Captain will mean diet of dust.

Its bound be beatiful.

Andro Dunos (Neo Geo)
The walls of reality came caven down.
Derector then director?
Spelling something wrong, then right - and not notice?

That's pretty fucking awesome.
Kingdom Grand Prix (Arcade)

Go, on 'tells' us what's on your mind?
This shit ain't fair.
Even if a 'seize' fire was called, I'd continue disputes out of spite.
Thank you very much it is had to play at this time.
It is wonderful!
Your fight was splendid!
Ha ha ha!
I'm weeping a hundred waterfalls.
BlaZeon (Arcade)

Never mind about change main reactor to hyper-drive, confirm the high energy core immeditely to install spellcheck. 
Spcial thanks for a special mistake.
Rage of the Dragons (Neo Geo)

I'll offer this life If necessary to satisfied him...
Hmmm, what about '
to satisfy him...'
I've just made bullshit sound even weirder.
Sorry, but I was just wondering why we are here.
I was wandering the same thing myself.
Art of Fighting 3 (Neo Geo)

Enenmy has become my new sworn Eiji.
Hey Robert, give pops my best - no matter wherer in Italy he may be.
Earlier we had derector, now directer.
Marvellous!
Final Star Force (Arcade)

Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo wasn't down to arrogance and complacency, but for ordering his army to launch a countrattack.
Stupid bastard.
Transpose 'borign' and you get...
Your service might be told hand down.
What the FUCK?
So long!
Alpha Mission (Arcade)
Congraturation !!

It's perfect play and game is over.
Thank You !!
Err, my pleasure, I think?
Bubble Bobble (Arcade)
Everybody go 'aaahhhhh', as it's happy end for Mam and Papa.

Also, which lunatic chose YELLOW love hearts?
Burning Rival (Arcade)
Some guy took the piss out of my traning session so I laid the bastard out.
To this day, I have no regrets.
Whether film, television show or video game, I demand all should exextive produce.
Fatal Fury 2 (Neo Geo)
The world's dest ran a school popolar with emotional fuck ups and unstable degenerates.
Parents - you have been warned.
Full Throttle (Arcade)
When in California, don't ask for directions to Los Angels.

They'll cart you off to funny farm before tootsies can touch the ground.
Masters of Combat (Master System)
Go ahead, reseach the area where the ship supposedly landed.
I'll just sit on my ass and laugh.
Ogre Battle: The March of the Black Queen (SNES)
I wouldn't trust the power of Tarot to organise a lap dance in a strip joint, let alone dicide the fitness of our leader. 
Black Tiger (Arcade)
Without sounding aggressive, I'd like to scull punch the assholes responsible.
Like Zelda II: The Adventure of Link, Taito's 1989 arcade Cadash was another early example of the 'platform-RPG'.

These are just...

50 golds per night? Normally I wouldn't, but needs must.
A good day's rest?
(Snigger, snigger)

I've just paid for a 'night's' rest.
The... there is an aweful monster up ahead.
Put it this way, my exclamation would be rather more fucking dramatic than 'ouh'!
So a crazy old cow took in a lying bitch mermaid and poured her with love.
Surely this constitutes as grooming?
A spring of wonders awaits in flont.
Pardon me if I don't jump up and down in excitement.
Silver tialas can be carried only by the priest.
What about the others? That's discrimination.
Apparently, women wear tiaras. What crazy bitches.
I remarked some fit bird looked pshaw in her dress.
The only thing blown that night was my chances.
Oh yes he is.
Oh no he isn't.
Oh no he...
Hey enough already, this ain't fucking panto yer' know.
Lier!
Massive gratitudes:

Assigment complete and war is win.

Front end well exist in less years of future generation.

Legacy reaches interlube but beginning proceeds less today.

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

The Hateful Eight - The scoop and digest

Quentin Tarantino's directorial history is often erroneous.

Classic examples are Natural Born Killers, True Romance, Killing Zoe and From Dusk Till Dawn.

You could also add Hostel and tasteless sequel to the mix.

Incidentally, both briefly featured Pulp Fiction on television.

I wonder why?

As a huge slice of geekery, Red State was one of QT's favourite films of 2011 and quote "I freakin' love this movie" features on box art.

Can his eighth surpass the success of Django Unchained?

Samuel L. Jackson - Major Marquis Warren
Kurt Russell - John Ruth
Jennifer Jason Leigh - Daisy Domergue
Tim Roth - Oswaldo Mobray
Walton Goggins - Sheriff Chris Mannix
Michael Madsen - Joe Gage
Demián Bichir - Bob
Bruce Dern - General Sandford Smithers
James Parks - O.B.
Channing Tatum - Jody
Quentin Tarantino - Narrator

1. Last Stage to Red Rock

Sometime after the American Civil War, John Ruth is transporting wanted fugitive Daisy Domergue across Wyoming to hang at Red Rock and claim $10,000.

Fellow bounty hunter Major Warren hitches a ride.

2. Son of a Gun

Red Rock's new sheriff Chris Mannix is next to be picked up and tensions run high between he and Warren when the subject of war crops up.

3. Minnie's Haberdashery

As blizzard refuses to subside, coach takes refuge at said lodge.

There they meet hangman Oswaldo, Bob (a Mexican running the show in Minnie's absence), softly spoken cowboy Joe Gage and Sandford Smithers, a former Confederate General.

Immediately suspicious, Ruth disarms everybody apart from Warren.

Warren takes great pleasure in telling Smithers that before murdering his son, tortured bare ass and humiliated the poor bastard by forcing him to suck on 'dingus'.

Smithers loses when guns are drawn.

4. Domergue's Got a Secret

Daisy isn't distracted by Warren's spiel and notices somebody poisoning the jug of coffee.

O.B. and Ruth quench respective thirsts and soon vomit blood.  Daisy blows Ruth away, but Warren and Mannix contain the situation.

Bob is killed and Gage protects Daisy by admitting to making caffeine taste rather unpleasant.

After Warren's spuds are blasted by mystery geezer hiding in basement, Oswaldo and Gage are wounded in subsequent firefight.

5. The Four Passengers

Earlier that day...

Oswaldo, Gage, Bob and Jody (Daisy's brother) arrive at Haberdashery and murder all apart from Smithers.

In preparation to rescue Daisy, bodies are removed and guns concealed .

Upon hearing Ruth approaching, it's time to act natural while Jody waits patiently down below.

Last Chapter

Black Man, White Hell

Mannix and Warren hold Oswaldo, Gage and Daisy at gunpoint, but those in charge are shoulder deep in shit themselves.

Jody gives himself up and Warren literally blows brother's head clean off.

Daisy warns Mannix her 15 strong posse are waiting in Red Rock, but providing Warren is killed, things will be different.

Gage and Oswaldo kick the bucket and Daisy manages to remove handcuffs by hacking Ruth's arm off.

Unfortunately, Mannix unloads before she can.

Partners in crime hang Ms. Domergue and before presumably dying, Mannix reads Lincoln's forged letter aloud.

Holy shit!

How awesome was this?

I was totally engrossed from start to finish and three hours simply flew by.

Fascinating character study is driven by a fantastic script and tour de force performances.

Leads may sparkle, but special mentions must go to Single White Female and well spoken chap Mr. Orange.

What a shame room couldn't be made for Steve Buscemi and Harvey Keitel.

Maybe Winston Wolf was too busy selling Direct Line?

The influence of Reservoir Dogs rings true and surprisingly, so does The Thing.

Parts of Ennio Morricone's unused music from John Carpenter's 1982 classic is heard during penultimate gunfight and minus shape-shifting alien, chilly setting may as well be what surrounds Outpost 31.

All in all, undoubtedly Tarantino's best since Pulp Fiction.

Tuesday, 19 January 2016

Creed - The scoop and digest

Conceived and directed by whippersnapper Ryan Coogler, this is Rocky for the new generation.

Sylvester Stallone - Rocky
Michael B. Jordan - Adonis Johnson
Tessa Thompson - Bianca
Tony Bellew - "Pretty" Ricky Conlan

In 1998, Apollo's widow Mary Anne visits her husband's illegitimate son Adonis in 'juvy'.

Seventeen years later and going under his mother's name Johnson, Donnie heads to Philadelphia hoping to hook up with its favourite son.

At Rocky's restaurant Adrian's, our man ain't interested in becoming anybody's manager.

Finding Donnie training at refurbished Mighty Mick's, Rocky has a change of heart.

He's taken to Front Street Gym and endures regime of chicken chasing, shadow boxing, running and skipping.

Donnie meets upcoming singer/songwriter Bianca and they get very friendly at Rocky's flat.

At some point, Rocky pays his respects to Adrian and also Paulie, (who died in 2012).

We know Taila Shire's character succumbed to cancer a few years prior to Rocky Balboa (hence naming eatery in her honour), and I guess Burt Young wasn't interested in reprising role.

Now carrying the nickname "Hollywood", Donnie takes on Leo "The Lion" Sporino.

Camera provides evidence of one continuous steadicam take.

Great stuff, but six minutes is nothing compared to The Silent House...

Mentor becomes visibly unwell and hospital biopsy reveals he's contracted non-Hodgkins, a form of cancer.

Although Rocky's happy to wait for the inevitable, Donnie persuades him to undergo treatment.

Before grey bar hotel doors slam shut for possessing firearm, light heavyweight Liverpudlian champion Ricky Conlan chooses Donnie as final opponent.

Ahead of HBO fight staged at Goodison Park, Donnie finds trunks left by Mary Anne, identical in principle to Apollo's stars and stripes, later worn by Rocky in third and fourth.

Don't forget, Stallone is a huge Everton fan.

"Let's get ready to rumble!"

For fuck's sake, does Michael Buffer really need the money?

Massive underdog gives as good as he gets but ultimately loses to a split decision.

Yes, climatic spectacle basically models itself on 1976 original, and even Rocky Balboa.

Sigh.

Unnecessary heartfelt speech from Donnie follows with crowd chanting Creed's name.

Conlan won the fight, but Adonis Creed wins the night.

Back in Philly, cinematic bell clangs after frail trainer and pupil climb the Rocky Steps.

Analysis

Potential disaster is impressively averted but not without problems.

Jordan plays title role with gusto and Stallone delivers a knockout performance without throwing a single punch.

Fights are realistic and well choreographed, but lack genuine excitement.

While I'll never be able to comment on current European cruiserweight champion Bellew's actual personality, let's hope it's more likeable than asshole portrayed on screen.

Maybe that was the idea?

Less jealously and betrayal, plot recycles Rocky V.

Yo Adrian, check this out, yer' know:

Donnie is knocked down in the eleventh and apparently 'beaten'.  Negative flashbacks follow, but seeing Apollo drags ass up from canvas.

Bill Conti's iconic theme plays throughout the final round.

In 1990:

Tommy Gunn floors Rocky during ridiculous street fight.  Blasts from the past include Mickey's voice, prompting him to continue for 'one more round'.

Cue Bill Conti theme (albeit more briefly).

Unbelievable.

References

Aside from training montages and 'women weaken legs'...

LeRoy Neiman's painting (or interpretation) of Rocky III poster is displayed inside Mighty Mick's.

Message on Donnie's shirt "Why do I wanna fight? Because I can't sing and dance" is from Rocky and Adrian's first date on ice.

Cuff or Link is seen while Donnie and Bianca are having sex.

Did other reptile pass on?

Following move to Vancouver, Rocky's son Robert is briefly mentioned.

Apollo won the 'third' fight at the end of Rocky III.

Rocky still bounces trademark squash ball, a pastime only entertained in original and sequel.

Blasphemously, Donnie doesn't pray in his corner.

Come on, that's mandatory.

Glaring goofs

Goodsion Park's capacity is just under 40,000, but 100,000 rise to their feet when local lad enters.

Okay, now for the best bit.

Flashback sequence contains Apollo from 1976 original.

This is IMPOSSIBLE, because Donnie only relived Rocky II fight footage.

Ha ha ha!

Put that in your movie mistake pipe and smoke it.

In memory of Robert Chartoff

1933 - 2015

Monday, 11 January 2016

R.I.P. David Bowie

I'm flabbergasted.

We have lost a cultural icon.

Long-serving producer Tony Visconti has since confirmed the video to Lazurus was deliberately created and timed as a 'parting' gift for fans.

Fused with jazz, Blackstar is a melancholic masterpiece.

How sad such genius can't be repeated.

To name a few essential classics:

Drive-In Saturday, Changes, The Prettiest Star, Space Oddity, Oh! You Pretty Things, Five Years, The Man Who Sold The World, Heroes, Rebel Rebel, Diamond Dogs, Starman, Ziggy Stardust and Jean Genie.

Comparable to Pink Floyd's The Gnome, The Laughing Gnome has slipped into obscurity, but what a crazy song.

My personal favourite is The Bewlay Brothers from Hunky Dory.

TV series Life on Mars and sequel Ashes to Ashes are obvious references to Bowie tracks.

Rik Mayall quotes Ashes to Ashes during Young Ones episode Nasty.

"Fun to funky, we all know Major Tom's a junkie."

Life on Mars? is a fairly prominent feature of American Horror Story: Freakshow and British band The Kooks took their name from a certain famous track.

Enigmatic and unforgettable, The Man Who Fell to Earth has entered heaven.

You'll always remind me of the babe.

David Bowie
8 January 1947 - 10 January 2016

Sunday, 10 January 2016

Artistic beauty in film: Museum Hours

As promised, I visit Vienna and the Kunsthistoriches.

Just so you know, Johannes Holzhausen's 2014 behind the scenes documentary was entitled The Great Museum.

Security guard Johann (Bobby Sommer) befriends Anne (Mary Margaret O'Hara), whose arrival in Austria's capital is not for pleasure, but to visit her coma struck cousin in hospital.

Art begins to shape perspective and everyday issues are dissected.

Jem Cohen's 2012 film is odd and ponderous, but beautifully shot.

Split into four terrific slices, please observe the meat of a simply sublime collection.

1. Majestic Miscellany

The Great Forest - Jacob van Ruisdael
A Village Barber Pulling Teeth - Adriaen van Ostade
View of Dordrecht - Jan van Goyen
Cain Kills Abel - Bartolomeo Manfredi
Big Bouquet of Flowers in a Wooden Vessel - Jan Brueghel the Elder
Adam and Eve - Hans Memling
The Art of Painting - Johannes Vermeer
Vanitas Still-Life - Maria van Oosterwijck
Lot and his Daughter - Albrecht Altdorfer
The Apple Peeler - Gerard Terboch II
Susanna and the Elders - Tintoretto
Hero Mourning the Dead Leander - Domenico Fetti
Calling of Matthew - Mattia Preti
The Suicide of Lucretia - Joos van Cleve
Laura - Giorgione
The Prodigal Son - Johannes Baeck
St. Michael Vanquishing the Devils - Luca Giordano
Christ Carrying the Cross - Jusepe de Ribera
Head of Medusa - Peter Paul Rubens
Archduke Leopold Wilhelm in his Gallery in Brussels - David Teniers the Younger
Salome with the Head of John the Baptist - Andrea Solario
Judith with the Head of Holofernes - Lucas Cranach the Elder
Salome with the Head of the Baptist - Cesare de Sesto
2. Magnificent Multiples

a) Paolo Veronese

Judith with the Head of Holofernes (left) and The Anointment of David (right)
Christ and the Samaritan Woman at the Well
b) Giovanni Bellini

Presentation in the Temple
Young Woman at her Toilet
c) Titian

Woman in a Fur Coat (left) and Danaë (right)
Portrait of Fabrizio Salaressa (left) and Diana and Callisto (right)
d) Bartholomeus Spranger

Minerva Victorious Over Ignorance
Venus and Vulcan
Venus and Adonis
e) Rembrandt

Various Self-Portraits and Apostle Paul (far right)
f) Caravaggio

Madonna of the Rosary (left) and Christ Carrying the Cross (right)
The Crowning with Thorns
David with the Head of Goliath
3. Magical Mixture

An Elderly Woman (left) and The Deposition (right), both from Anthony van Dyck, and middle, Gaspar de Crayer's The Lamentation of Christ.
Martyrdom of the Ten Thousand (far left), Johannes Kleberger, Aged 40 (left) and Portrait of a Young Venetian Woman (middle), all from Albrecht Dürer, and far right, Lucas Cranach the Elder's Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
4. Pieter Bruegel the Elder

Works of Netherlandish renaissance master dominates proceedings.

Hunters in the Snow
The Peasant Wedding
The Peasant Dance
Return of the Herd
The Conversion of St. Paul
The Battle Between Carnival and Lent (left) and Children's Games (right)
The Tower of Babel (left) and The Procession to Calvary (right)
Yes, a fitting finale.

Tourist attractions are done, but is the silver screen?

Not really...
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