Friday, 26 February 2016

Grimsby - The scoop and digest

Many first saw Sacha Baron Cohen in Da Ali G Show, but like many other fellow professionals, Channel 4 comedy series The 11 o'clock Show launched the voice of yoof's career.

West Staines Massif's character came to the big screen, with Borat and Brüno following suit.

Following political satire The Dictator, will latest persona offend for all the wrong reasons?

Sacha Baron Cohen - Nobby
Mark Strong - Sebastian Graves
Rebel Wilson - Dawn
Scott Adkins - Lukashenko
Penélope Cruz - Rhonda George
Isla Fisher - Margaret

It goes something like this...

Beer swilling, chain-smoking, football fanatic Nobby learns his missing brother of 28 years Sebastian has been spotted in London.

At a charity event held at the Old Royal Naval College, Nobby fucks everything up by giving MI 6 secret agent a hug, just when he's about to blow away an assassin.

In South Africa, Sebastian accidentally injects heroin and Nobby is enlisted by mission control to seduce and extract information from beautiful blonde.

With that outrageous barnet, he makes a convincing Liam Gallagher lookalike.

"All I need are cigarettes and alcohol."

Of course things don't go to plan when guys turn up, but knight in sibling armour conveniently saves the day.

Will England triumph against Germany in Chile?

Let's find out.

When launched, fireworks containing lethal virus will be released into the atmosphere and like the Sugababes, megalomaniac Rhonda George is primed to Push the Button (and let me know).

Said song is also an unrelated album by The Chemical Brothers.

Anyway, we don't suffer heartbreak as Nobby ensures England win 2-1 in normal time (and shoots the referee before he can disallow goal).

Wait a minute, Three Lions weren't scheduled to lift the Jules Rimet cup until 200016.

198000 years early? Well shit.

Chaos ensues during Northern pitch invasion and Butcher brothers save the day by parking asses on necessary rockets.

News headline confirms Rhonda's arrest and family visit recuperating heroes in hospital.

Almost immediately after 'The End', Nobby (now a spy), kills his team on a boat before Seb can introduce.

In a post-credits scene, Nobby shoots randomer dead for the crime of providing directions to a stadium.

Yeah, a waste of everybody's time.

Before scurrying to analysis, why so much controversy?

Oh yeah, representing fishing town as the Chatsworth estate.

Does it matter if all scenes were actually filmed in Tilbury?

Honestly, I despair and please get over it.

Providing gross-out humour floats your boat, Louis Leterrier's film is intermittently hilarious.

Cohen's idiot and Strong's spy make a pleasantly mismatched double act, but cameos from the likes of Johnny Vegas (Milky Pits), Ian McShane, Ricky Tomlinson (Paedo Pete) and John Thomson are gratuitously underused.

However, God bless Rebel Wilson.

Spreading legs like Sharon 'Stallone', she describes lady garden as an 'all you can eat' buffet.

If you haven't already, How To Be Single comes heartily recommended.

During charity event, some kid has AIDS.  Nobby reacts to such news by shouting 'fantastic', but is really referring to a football score.

In the process, Harry Potter lookalike contracts HIV.

When applied correctly, bad taste gags can work.

Carry On innuendo aside, vile set pieces push boundaries even the Farrelly Brothers wouldn't cross.

Taking refuge inside elephant's vagina, horny male's huge dick causes climatic explosion on 'Vin Diesel's' face.

Don't be so dramatic, it's just pre-cum.

What tickled my tummy was Nobby literally sucking the poison from Seb's scrotum.

In different circumstances, balls on face is recycled from Borat.

Stupid, crude and horrendous - enjoy a guilty blast.

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

Final Fight and Assault of the Familiars

After Commando and R-Type, I got there eventually...

Regardless of generation, it's fair to say everybody's battered Belger's army of thugs into submission and forced head honcho to take a ridiculous dive from nearest window.

Originally conceived as Street Fighter's sequel (hence the working title of Street Fighter '89), Capcom's epic side scrolling brawler was by no means the first, but pioneered the genre - just like a certain Street Fighter II did with best of threes in 1991.

Mad Gear was lifted from their earlier racing game of the same name (L.E.D. Storm for the home market), which completely ripped off Data East's 1982 arcade Bump 'n' Jump.

The reason for sudden change of heart was down to the popularity of Double Dragon.

Cody and Guy blatantly stole Billy and Jimmy's Hurricane Kick from 1988 sequel The Revenge.

Metro City built upon foundations already laid by adding actual plot, enemy names (and energy bars), combos, destructible objects, collectibles and bonus stages.

As the Lee brothers were responsible for kicking shit off, bonus round start.

Unless stated, all brawls from insert coin.

Dabel of Konami's Violent Storm fame and Abobo both smashed through walls.

Golden Axe had sprites turn backs.

Streets of Rage, 1991 (Mega Drive)

Crime Fighters (1989) and 1991 sequel Vigilante.

The worst Double Dragon rape was 1989 Sunsoft/Sega collaboration Tough Turf.

Etc etc.

Why didn't Technos sue? I guess they were too busy fucking laughing.

As a side project, The Combatribes was released in 1990 (the same year as international jaunt Double Dragon 3: The Rosetta Stone).

Lead by the ruthless Martha Splatterhead, organisation dubbed Ground Zeros controls the street gangs and fist happy heroes must restore order to New York.
Although violence was light-hearted, the SNES port predictably took a beating.
Before proceeding to main event, let's remind ourselves why genre masters literally kicked the broadest of asses.

Alien vs. Predator (1994)
Armored Warriors (1994)
Spin-off Cyberbots: Full Metal Madness came in 1995.
Cadillacs & Dinosaurs (1993)
Captain Commando (1991)
Knights of the Round (1991)
The King of Dragons (1991)
The Punisher (1993)
Dynasty Wars (1989) and 1992 sequel Warriors of Fate.

Dungeons & Dragons: Tower of Doom (1993) and 1996 sequel Shadow over Mystara.

Battle Circuit (1997) doesn't strictly count, but what the Elvis, right?

Ready for a relentless onslaught of clones?

Of course you are.

While some only wield weapons, formula doesn't deviate.

Largely ignoring home market, this succulent selection will satisfy every need.

Asterix, Konami 1992
Blade Master, Irem 1991
Captain America and The Avengers, Data East 1991
Crude Buster, Data East 1990
D.D. Crew, Sega 1991
Dynamite Düx, Sega 1988
Gaia Crusaders, Noise Factory 1999
Gang Wars, ADK 1989
Growl, Taito 1990
Guardians of the 'hood, Atari 1992
Karate Blazers, Video System 1991
Knights of Valour, IGS 1999
Metamorphic Force, Konami 1993
Mug Smashers, Electronic Devices 1990
Mutation Nation, SNK 1992
Night Slashers, Data East 1993
Robo Army, SNK 1991
Sengoku, SNK 1991
Silent Dragon, Taito 1992
Spider Man the Video Game, Sega 1991
The Simpsons, Konami 1991
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Konami 1989
X-Men, Konami 1992
Undercover Cops, Irem 1992
Riot Zone (left) on PC Engine CD was a recycled version of original arcade Riot City (right) with a new name.

Jaleco's 64th Street: A Detective Story and Konami's Batman Returns (SNES)

1994 SNES/Mega Drive outing The Death and Return of Superman also gave licence for tossing baddies.

That sounds so wrong.

Ha ha ha!

This icy cool screen rewards those who battled through Mania difficulty.

In 1991 arcade sequel Turtles in Time, the Foot are easily persuaded into taking flying lessons.

The weird, but not necessarily wonderful.

DJ Boy, Kaneko (1991) and 1992 sequel B. Rap Boys.

Legionnaire, Tad Corporation 1992
Nekketsu Oyako, Technosoft 1994 (PS1/Saturn Japanese only)
The exception.

Ninja Baseball Batman, Irem 1993
And most obscure of all.

Ninja Clowns, Strata 1991
Clowns yelling hai-ya during every given thwack?


The penultimate section showcases hearty half-inching.

*Denotes one on one fighter.

Mark (Karate Blazers) vs Cody


D.D. Crew boss

Franco Bash (Fatal Fury 3: Road to the Final Victory, Neo Geo)*
Muscle Power (World Heroes)*

ADK simultaneously ripped off Zangief, but hey the fuck ho.

64th Street: A Detective Story

Baddie vs Bill Bull (not to be confused with G. Oriber or even Wong Who).

Baddie vs Holly Wood (same principle as El Gado).

Night Slashers baddie vs Slash (not Axl).

Streets of Rage miscellany

Punk vs J (or palette replacement Two. P).

Abadede (sequel's boss) vs Abigail

Riot City (H. Bull boss setting) vs Sodom's background

Inside choo choo

Crime Fighters
Fallen Angel, Emerald 1989 (Amiga version shown)
Violent Storm


Industrial Area vs err, Industrial Area

In terms of unscrupulous blag, SNK's Burning Fight was less subtle than a broadsword up the backside.

Welcome to Capital City.

So Duke and Billy are obviously Cody and Haggar, which leaves...

He also rings the bell of Ryu from Street Fighter.

Duffy (or Gonzales) vs Bill Bull

Tom Anderson (or same principle Gary Powell) vs Abigail

Random bonus area vs West Side (inside bar)

Need a lift?

Ahead of imminent walk towards glowing sun, ending screen's strobe coloured background bar smacks of Street Fighter II.

Actually, Guy impostor Ryu now looks more like his 'redrawn' Street Fighter II namesake.

That's a scrap.
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