Tuesday, 22 September 2015

The Visit - The scoop and digest

Apart from The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, M. Night Shyamalan has made a living from delivering inconsistent quality.

Oh yeah, After Earth was unbelievably boring and deservedly a box office flop.

Can we all agree Jaden Smith is an asshole?

Thanks in advance.

Could found footage be a genuine return to form or just another 'unnecessary' twist to the happy sack.

Plot details and/or spoilers span Monday to Friday

Making sense of it all:

Olivia DeJong - Becca
Ed Oxenbould - Tyler
Deanna Dunagan - Nana
Peter McRobbie - Pop Pop
Kathryn Hahn - Paula

While their mother Paula gets away from it all with her new bloke, siblings Tyler and Becca prepare to stay with grandparents Doris and John who they've never met before.

Failing to secure any details of argument fifteen years young, they decide to record events at rural farmhouse.

Pop Pop warns to never visit mould infested basement and bedtime is 9.30pm.

Taking a peek after curfew, Nana's behaviour includes projectile vomiting and clawing wall in the niff.

When challenged, Pop Pop claims she has a form of dementia known as sundowning, which compels strange activities after the hot orange thing in the sky hits the sack.

Our man is incontinent and after doing a present inside nappy, embarrassment is hidden inside barn.

Also, he mustn't be late for costume party and speaks of a strange creature.

At different periods, a woman and man visit who were helped by elderly in counselling.

When Becca puts Nana on the spot, infirm goes ape shit.

One night, the camera is left running downstairs and upon finding device, Nana grabs kitchen knife and unsuccessfully breaks into children's bedroom.

Seeking answers from Paula via Skype, she realises peeps aren't John and Doris.

Are kiddiewinks in mortal danger?


After viewing hanging corpses of visitors, Becca legs it to forbidden area and finds the bodies of real grandparents.

Oh, disheveled mental institution uniforms lay nearby.

Impostors: Less than meets the eye.
Impostors: Elderly in disguise.

For anybody who cares, I'm pretty sure secure unit is called Maple Leaf.

'Doris' and 'John' are killed by Becca and Tyler, via multiple stabbing and dispute with fridge door respectively.

In the pouring rain, (very strange), brother and sister are greeted by the clichéd arrival of Paula and law enforcement.

Mother finally reveals argument got physical and regrets of reconciliation never taking place.

"My sister insisted I included this part."

As credits roll, Tyler bizarrely raps the guts of ordeal.

What a great idea and oh fucking dear.

Comedy mystery smells worse than one of Pop Pop's nappies.

The twist is seen coming a country mile off and one-trick pony has surely shot his final bolt.

Anybody who doesn't agree are crazier than antagonists concerned.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Legend - The scoop and digest

Back in the 60s, the notorious Kray brothers ruled London's underworld and basked in the gangster limelight.

They remain cultural icons.

Casting Spandau Ballet brothers Gary and Martin Kemp as Ronnie and Reggie respectively in Peter Medak's 1990 flick was strangely inspired.

As is usually the case ahead of big cinema release, low budget straight to DVD efforts appear on supermarket shelves and Rise of the Krays makes flushing a turd seem interesting.

Based upon John Pearson's novel The Profession of Violence, what can Brian Helgeland's film say what countless books, interviews and newspaper accounts haven't already?

Tom Hardy - The Krays
Emily Browning - Frances
Christopher Eccleston - Det. Supt Nipper Read
Sam Spruell - Jack 'The Hat' McVitie

Completely ignoring childhood build-up, this focuses largely on Reggie's tumultuous relationship with Frances and places greater emphasis on Ronnie's psychotic paranoid schizophrenic.

During one of their trademark kangaroo courts, members of The Richardson Gang crank up the electricity bill.

Rumour has it, "Mad" Frankie Fraser pulled teeth, rather than legs.

Sick bastard.

Maltese scrap and bayonet through hand in snooker hall isn't recycled.

Although Barbara Windsor doesn't feature, Reggie mentions her to Frances at Esmerelda's Barn.

I'm pleased to report Browning is a vast improvement over her irritating predecessor (Kate Hardie).

As for actual person - poor cow.

Eccleston assuming the role of high-profile copper harks back to the good old days of Cracker and DCI Bilborough.

David Thewlis and Chazz Palminteri as Leslie Payne and Angelo Bruno respectively, bring sturdy support, but all are inevitably eclipsed by a certain dual performance.

The swagger of sharp suits emit contrasting sadism and Tom Hardy certainly brings substantial magic.

Reggie laces charm with convincing saccharin whereas the capricious Ronnie can be genuinely funny.

A barmaid is called before an ID parade to identify who shot George Cornell at the Blind Beggar pub.

Giving her the evil eyes, his face is an absolute picture.

After Reggie's brutal stabbing of Jack 'The Hat' McVitie, he nonchalantly queries "Why would you do that?"

Before trilby gets the point (several times), the gun jams, as per fact.

The aftermath of murder has been changed as Reggie leaves alone and takes a stroll beside canal.

Also, Payne is shown dead in the backseat of a car, inferring the twins ordered a hit.

In an earlier scene, Ronnie pays Jack £500 to kill former financial advisor, and promised a further £500 when carried out.

Apparently, the contract was worth £1,500.

No biopic is 100 per cent accurate, so historical inaccuracies are expected more than rats following the Pied Piper.

Ultimately, no matter what's said or written - the truth died with those concerned.

For all the f-bombs, c words and intermittent gory violence, this is a gritty but comfortable watch.

Siblings locking horns borders on silliness, with Ronnie grabbing nuts and Reggie throwing all the punches.

Knocking lumps out of each other in a boxing ring was more satisfying.

Remember Van Damme vs Van Damme in Double Impact?

If not, shame on you.

With a running time that doesn't outstay its welcome, Legend (also a 1985 Tom Cruise fantasy), ticks all the right biopic boxes and succeeds as a slick crime drama.

Comparable with Scorsese's Goodfellas?

Don't make me laugh.

Monday, 7 September 2015

Rezon takes the Force

If the category of arcade developers came up in the final of popular BBC gameshow Pointless, I'd bet vital organs on Allumer winning the jackpot.

In 1991, this oddity melted into folklore as being surely the 'greatest' R-Type rape ever.

How come Irem didn't spank bottoms?

Because, there is no justice that is perfect.  The continually wars prove it.

Holy shit!

'All your base are belong to us' suddenly makes perfect sense.

Title screen.

Zoid lives within the Brood, and attack when they sense objects close to them.

Who's this?

It seems Cancer has grown.

An older version Bydo weapon used for wider area control.  Also capable of hovering.

Equipped with homing missiles, wave and vertical lasers, Planet Bombing Warship is used to capture planets.

Thinking about it, name contradicts purpose.

How ridiculous.

As a side note, Subatomic (salvaged corpse of Dobkeratops), was created with planetary destruction in mind.

Lazer firing blocks vs unmanned highly armoured transport container Dop.

Pink core is Achilles heel.

Otherwise invincible man of bronze Talos was 'unplugged' in 1963 classic Jason and the Argonauts.

Snake vs Worm.

Covered with a tough shell, these creatures guard huge living creature Cyst that reproduces wiggly woos.

Subtle'ish' I suppose.

Bydo culture Bellmite is controlled by electronic centre.

To be fair, unlike organic outer shell which incidentally is worth 300 points, asteroid encrusted exterior is just for graphical effect.

Okay, now shit gets messy.

Compare Leo's tooled up craft to Rezon's machine.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander?

Last Resort was released in same year as Leo (1992), but SNK's game was born first.

Compare sprite and laser crystals.

Oh yeah, incorporating 2P simultaneous play was mere 'coincidence'.

Finally, Mega Drive 1993 shootfest Eliminate Down steals miscellany.

Background vs X-Multiply.

Boss vs Dragon Breed end boss (defeated).

Boss vs Leo

And that my friends is that.
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