Saturday, 30 April 2016

Friend Request - The scoop and digest

Known as Unfriend in Germany, this is Simon Verhoeven's version (not remake) of Leo Gabriadze's Unfriended.

Sharing same surname with Dutch supremo Paul is pure coincidence.

At the time, I didn't know laptop POV ripped off The Den (stupidly renamed Hacked for 2016).

After witnessing a murder online, a young girl's life quickly spirals out of control.

Pyagrl*16 terrorises lead lady Elizabeth and Laura's ghost billie227 punishes Blaire for cruel prank.

Zack Donohue's debut boasts a cleverer twist than supernatural entity and why it never came to UK cinemas baffles.

Anyway, to business.

Alicia Debnam-Carey - Laura
William Moseley - Tyler
Connor Paolo - Kobe
Brooke Markham - Isabel
Sean Marquette - Gustavo
Liesl Ahlers - Marina

News of former student Marina committing suicide shocks a packed classroom.

2 weeks earlier.

Laura has hundreds of Facebook friends and living the teenage dream.

Feeling sorry for social outcast Marina, she accepts a friend request and relationship briefly blossoms.

Marina is unfriended after going ape shit at school and sends Laura suicide video of hanging out above blazing inferno.

Present day (if you like).

Video appears on Laura's profile who soon receives electronic abuse.

Shit starts to get serious when friends bite gruesome dust and 'Laura' continues to upload each murder.

Attempting to delete video or account results in the following message:

'An unknown error has occurred.  Please try again later.'


She turns to computer geek Kobe who takes a look beneath the surface of Marina's profile.

Yep, this code ain't for cracking.

Delving further, Marina's family practiced witchcraft and killing yourself in front of black mirror was a ritual.

I'm almost scrying at such a revelation.

Oh, being able to command swarms of black wasps is a Brucie.

This confirms gawping at technology with dark reflective surface opens up a gateway.

Just for fun, said translucent object can be a Charlie Brooker TV series and a track from Arcade Fire.

Q: How to 'kill' Marina's vengeful ghost?

A: Destroy the original black mirror.

Using Facebook print-outs, they turn detective and search ruins of childhood home.

Kobe gets taken over and stabs Laura.

She manages to escape and stumbles upon where suicide took place.

Kobe kills boyfriend Tyler, but loyal mass of black perform sting operation.

"Why are you doing this?"

A much younger Marina informs "she just wants to be friends... forever."

Electing not to bring seven years bad luck, Laura cannot resist stepping inside animated landscape.


It's more predictable than one of those awful scary pop ups.

Back at school, we see Laura sat on her lonesome with profile stating 0 friends.

Does that mean Marina is left in limbo?

Who knows?

As you'd expect, core ingredients are kept in different circumstances.

Jump scares can be well orchestrated and deaths are interesting enough.

Ghost up close is The Exorcist and Isabel's behaviour in hospital rapes Evil Dead 2013.

Why, I repeat WHY does Marina's ghost transform into a human child?

Considering they didn't grow up together, that makes no bastard sense.

Overall, there are far worse teen slashers.

Thursday, 21 April 2016

Parodius - Spectacular silliness

In the golden age of video games, taking the piss out of another series was more refreshing than a pint of (insert favourite tipple here).

Space Invaders '95: Attack of the Lunar Loonies, Alex Kidd in Shinobi World and Akumajo Special: Boku Dracula-kun are great examples.

Less obvious is Star Parodier on PC Engine CD, as Kaneko made fun of Hudson's Star Soldier series.

However, none have shit on the absurd grandaddy...

Unless stated, all screens from the arcade.

Largely forgotten 1988 MSX original was an experiment, but does include Moai head.

I guess end boss is flying anteater wearing a nappy?

Ha ha ha!

Please strap yourself in for full-on geekery.

I'm so good, you'd think I was in cahoots with Konami.

Parodius Da!

Gradius (1985)

Final stage.

"I am strong!"

Worst. Statement. Ever.


1988 sequel Gradius II recycled spin-off meat.

Otomedius, (or Gorgeous 360 port) was another spin-off and Excellent sequel came exclusively on Microsoft's last gen machine in 2011.

As for frivolity.

Famicom equivalent wore jacket and striped pants.

Jumping to 1992 Game Boy port.

Gradius III (1989)

Boss from unique bathroom stage in 1992 SNES version is probably another reference.

The painting Bubbles by John Everett Millais was used to advertise Pears soap.



Gokujou Parodius

Gradius II


Axelay (SNES)

Presenting what's best described as a power-up cushion.

Jagger Froid's brain adopts the novel approach of attacking via roulette system in SNES classic Contra III: The Alien Wars (or whatever the fuck you wanna call it).

If spiked cube is chosen - this happens.

In principle, I'm invincible.

Jikkyo Oshaberi Parodius (Super Famicom)


Gradius II

Gradius III


The Legend of the Mystical Ninja (SNES)

Ganbare Goemon 2 (Super Famicom)

Here's somebody bound to make an Impact.

Is this theatre?

Noh, surely not.

Pop 'n Twinbee (SNES)

Don't find this funny?

Then cheer up you miserable bastards.

Lethal Enforcers



Contra III: The Alien Wars

Same thing, different boss.

Taisen Puzzle-Daima

One more.

Sexy Parodius

Gradius II


Yie Ar Kung-Fu

Little man in pink pajamas has to be Oolong, right?

Not quite.

Sprite is bizarrely taken from the Famicom port, where protagonist was renamed Lee.

Why? Who knows?
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