Thursday, 23 March 2017

Get Out - The scoop and digest

Written and directed by Jordan Peele, let's hope hype pipe doesn't belch shit smelling foulness.

Daniel Kaluuya - Chris
Allison Williams - Rose
Bradley Whitford - Dean
Catherine Keener - Missy
Caleb Landry Jones - Jeremy
Lil Rel Howery - Rod

A lost black man is assaulted and bundled into the trunk of a car.

Some time later, Chris and girlfriend Rose prepare to stay for the weekend at her parents house, who are oblivious to the fact boyfriend is black.

Along with creepy brother Jeremy, the Armitages make Chris feel generally uncomfortable and declines the offer from Missy (a psychiatrist) to help him quit smoking through hypnosis.

Going out for a cheeky fag, he's put off by the strange behaviour of black servants Walter and Georgina.

Missy uses Chris's guilt over mother's hit and run death to her advantage and hypnotises him.

Physical body becomes paralysed and consciousness falls into the void, dubbed 'the sunken place'.

Chris wakes up in bed initially dismissing last night as a nightmare, but the very thought of puffing on a cigarette makes him feel sick (just like Missy said).

Uh oh.

Annual big bash sees numerous white couples fascinated by Chris, with target not in the least bit flattered.

He meets Logan King, with face ringing a loud bell.

Surreptitious snap with flash on mobile causes Logan to lose it and screams hysterically for Chris to "GET OUT!"

Dean claims incident was down to epileptic seizure, but the aroma of bullshit wafts up Chris's nostrils.

Blind art dealer Jim wins a game of bingo, with prize something far greater than bottle of cheap champagne or cash...

After contacting TSA best bud Rod, Logan is identified as Andre Hayworth (guy from beginning).

Chris finds a set of photographs showing Rose with numerous men and women, and admits her involvement in deception.

Despite Chris's best efforts, Missy stirring tea with silver spoon puts a dampener on escape plan.

Strapped to a chair in empty room, television reveals all.

Roman Armitage (now deceased) confirms family developed a method of pseudo-immortality, as neurosurgeon Dean performing brain surgery transfers consciousness of white folk into the bodies of younger and stronger black people.

Jim will use Chris as a host so sight can be regained, while doomed body is controlled in the void.

Georgina and Walter are vessels for Rose's grandma and grandad respectively.

If memory serves correctly, I think organisation is called Coagula.

Unaware Chris has wriggled free from restraints, Jeremy is knocked out.

With end of tether well and truly reached, Dean and Missy are killed with antlers of stuffed deer head and knife respectively.

Jeremy puts up more of a fight, but also kicks the bucket.

After hitting Georgina with Jeremy's car, Chris takes her with him but psycho bitch attacks.

Following car crashing into tree, her goose is cooked.

Rose sets Walter on Chris, but flash photography snaps him out of trance.

Walter takes the rifle and shoots Rose, then commits suicide.

Chris cannot go through with strangling Rose and the police arrive.

Driver turns out to be Rod, and as they drive away, she's left to die on the road.

Best debut ever?

Utterly compelling and totally unique, Peele's comedy horror satire is absolutely brilliant.

When dealing with such sensitive subject matter, things must be handled carefully and intelligently.

Rest assured, taste left in mouth will be anything but sour.

Daniel Kaluuya and the hilarious Lil Rel Howery upstage an excellent cast and running time never drags.

Soundtrack also kicks ass, as high pitched instruments contribute massively to situation.

Although girlfriend and family were always in on it, twist really surprised me.

If I did have a complaint, the principle of Temple of Doom appears to be ripped off.

Shorty awakes Indy and The Maharaja from the Black Sleep of Kali Ma with burning torch.

Camera flash has the same effect on hypnosis, albeit only briefly.

Who's with me?

(Hundreds and thousands raise hands).

What genre will extremely talented director explore next?

I urge him not to keep us waiting too long.

Monday, 20 March 2017

Kong: Skull Island - The scoop and digest

The second in the so-called MonsterVerse sees Jordan Vogt-Roberts reboot franchise.

Will I be going ape shit?

Tom Hiddleston - James Conrad
Samuel L. Jackson - Preston Packard
Brie Larson - Mason Weaver
John C. Reilly - Hank Marlow
John Goodman - Bill Randa

Somewhere over the South Pacific in 1944, a fight between an American man and Japanese woman is interrupted by something rather huge and hairy.

1973.

Government official Bill Randa hires tracker James Conrad to lead an expedition to place on map.

Colonel Packard, his men and pacifist photojournalist Mason Weaver all tag along.

Around 30 minutes, welcome to Skull Island.

Seismic charges are detonated to determine ground's hollowness which really pisses off a certain creature known as Kong.

In the aftermath, Conrad and Packard lead two separate teams.

With all helicopters down, Conrad states best chance of survival is to reach the other side of the island and sit tight until a resupply team arrives in three days time.

Meanwhile, Packard pulls a gun on Randa forcing him to spill beans.

He works for Monarch, an agency which specialises in hunting Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms, and mission is to finally bring back proof of what he knew existed for nearly 30 years.

Just in case you've forgotten, MUTO was an original monster introduced in 2014 Godzilla reboot.

Anyway, their goal is to take Kong down.

Conrad's team stumble across a native tribe and meet Hank Marlow (guy from beginning), who's been here ever since.

Slogan on the back of jacket reads 'Good for your health, bad for your education'.

Akira fans should immediately recognise this to be a spin on Kaneda's equivalent, 'Good for health, bad for education'.

His people see Kong as God, as behemoth protects them from island's primary pest - the Skullcrawlers.

Vicious bastards killed his Japanese friend and slaughtered Kong's family.

If the 'Big One' wakes up, it's Goodnight, Irene.

After using Marlow's boat to reconnect with Packard, Conrad and co reluctantly agree to look for Jack Chapman at former battleground between Skullcrawlers and Kong's ancestors.

Prowling Skullcrusher spits out Chapman's skull and dog tags confirming what we already know.

A careless Randa is devoured and beastie is killed by an explosion.

Even though Conrad tells Packard Kong didn't kill Jack shit, vengeance will be his.

While leading survivors back to the boat, Conrad, Weaver and Marlow agree to save Kong.

Kong falls for Packard's fire pool trap but human standoff ensures Kong isn't blown to kingdom come.

The Big One inevitably joins the party and everybody flees the scene, apart from Packard.

Kong squishes asshole like a bug before button can be pushed and TBO overpowers adversary.

Colossus and humans work together, and TBO is eventually killed when Kong rips out tongue and guts through its mouth.

Before leaving the island, Kong reaches into lake and saves Weaver from drowning.

Some time later, Marlow returns home to wife and son.

Post-credits scene has Monarch tell Conrad and Weaver that Kong is just the tip of monsterberg.

Archive footage of cave paintings depict Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah.  As screen fades to black, Godzilla's roar is heard.

Fun but very dumb

Excellent special effects, gorgeous scenery and exciting, if clichéd action sequences, just about mask piss poor story and lifeless performances.

Bestiary is largely redundant and when Kong treads water, brain received flashbacks of Talos terrorising Jason & the Argonauts.

Design of Skullcrawlers appears to stem from lizard briefly seen in 1933 original and Pokémon's Cubone of all things.

In other words - they suck.

Those familiar with Nex Entertainment's superb arcade horror rail shooter Dark Escape may liken reptilian rampage to Death Chamber boss.

Yeah I know, what an outrageous accusation.

Reilly is the only human with personality and it's a relief when Captain Ahab wannabe Jackson dies.

Mediocre script can be embarrassing.

Shortly after Kong takes out helicopters, 'somebody' remarks "We just got taken down by a monkey the size of a building."

Listen up assholes, does Kong have a fucking tail?

Jackson refs Jurassic Park with "Hold onto your butts."

Okay, that's fine, but this definitely isn't:

"It's time to show Kong that man is King."

BULLSHIT!

Apocalypse Now

Setting, characters and even IMAX poster?

Vibe of 1979 classic is hardly subtle.

Conrad and Marlow?

Heart of Darkness?

Ride of the Valkyries and 'I love the smell of Skull Island in the morning' are unfortunately missing.

One more thing

At some point, Kong quenches thirst and attacked by a giant octopus, which is probably a nod to the opening fight of 1962 film King Kong vs. Godzilla.

Instead of mollusc simply retreating, meal is made of situation.

Who does this guy think he is?

Dae-su?

Ha ha ha!

Friday, 10 March 2017

Logan - The scoop and digest

Spin-off trilogy concludes with Hugh Jackman portraying iconic character for the last time.

Hugh Jackman - Logan / X-24
Patrick Stewart - Charles Xavier / Professor X
Boyd Holbrook - Pierce
Stephen Merchant - Caliban
Dafne Keen - Laura / X-23
Richard E. Grant - Dr Zander Rice
Eriq La Salle - Will Munson

2029.

Mutantkind is on the brink of extinction.

An alcohol dependent James 'Logan' Howlett works as a chauffeur and brings prescription drugs for a frail Charles Xavier at abandoned smelting plant across the border in Mexico.

Structure of haunt is meant to suppress intermittent seizures.

Albino mutant tracker Caliban keeps him company in Logan's absence.

Thanks to adamantium selfishly poisoning his very core, the ability to heal is less reliable and body has grown progressively weak.

Transigen Corporation nurse Gabriela asks Logan to escort her and little girl Laura to 'Eden' in North Dakota.

Cybernetically-enhanced chief Donald Pierce tasks Logan to find woman and child, but he refuses.

Logan finds Gabriela has been murdered off-screen and saves Laura from Pierce's Reaver cronies.

Bonebreakers?

Unfortunately no.

Still, cyborg on tank treads did feature in arcades X-Men and The Punisher as regular enemy and boss respectively.

Pierce tortures Caliban by exposing face to daylight and he's forced into finding them.

Video message on Gabriela's phone reveals Transigen head Zander Rice turned children into deadly weapons for the X-23 project by using mutant DNA samples.

Completion of the X-24 project rendered kiddie winks expendable but Gabriela managed to help several escape.

As Laura was bred from his own DNA, Charles tells Logan she's his daughter.

Logan discovers Laura's X-Men comic (created purely for the film), referencing Eden and scoffs that such a place exists.

Following a highway incident, the Munsons take the trio in for helping them round up their horses.

Things are going okay until Logan's feral clone X-24 turns up and slaughters family, stabs Charles and kidnaps Laura.

Logan returns and finds Charles who dies shortly after.

Caliban blows himself and Pierce's van up so Laura can escape.

Original and imitation lock horns, and Will rams X-24 with car, impaling experiment on the forefront of a combine harvester.

Albeit in different circumstances, Dolph Lundgren's GR13/Andrew Scott was also forced onto agricultural machinery in entertaining action farce Universal Soldier.

Like Xavier, Will succumbs to his wounds, with Logan and Laura fleeing in their vehicle.

Charles is given a dignified send off and Laura drives an exhausted Logan to Eden.

In the aftermath of farmhouse massacre, Rice gives X-24 serum to speed up regeneration.

Jack Baker from Resident Evil 7?

Only kidding.

Rictor rules the roost at Eden, and Logan believes Laura can lead the rest of the other Transigen escapees to freedom beyond forest to the Canadian border.

Using a serum left by Rictor, a revitalised Logan kicks Reaver ass.

However, nothing lasts forever...

Rice informs in an attempt to control mutant population, a nasty old virus was unleashed, so Transigen can create their own.

Logan sends Rice to his maker and Pierce lets X-24 loose.

Children take care of the Reaver remainder and overwhelm Pierce.

Logan and Laura team up and even with Rictor using seismic powers to slam truck on emotionless killing machine, X-24 just won't quit.

X-24 surprises Logan and impales him on tree stump, but Laura finally eliminates seemingly invincible threat with adamantium bullet.

Father dies in Laura's arms and he's buried in the forest.

Adjusting the cross to form an 'X', children search for a new beginning.

Clawsome

Sharing parallels with The Wrestler and classic 1953 Western Shane (watched by Charles and Laura), this is everything I hoped for and more.

Brutal and bloody epic is made possible by James Mangold growing a pair of fucking balls and going with 15 cert, meaning amazing gore and f-bombs are not restricted by the evils of 12A.

Situation is appropriately bleak and there's little room for humour.

Chunks of comic storylines Old Man Logan, X-23, Mutant Massacre and Death of Wolverine are deliciously exploited.

Jackman and Stewart are excellent and emotional chemistry can really pull on heartstrings.

The young Dafne Keen acts beyond her years and support also gets a high ten.

No post-credits scene was important for closure and while most will moan, I agree with the omission of Stan Lee cameo.

Miscellany

When car doesn't start, Logan throwing temper tantrum smacks of Fawlty Towers episode Gourmet Night, when Basil gives 'vicious bastard' vehicle a damn good thrashing.

2004 remake Dawn of the Dead uses Johnny Cash song The Man Comes Around for opening titles. This does the same, but during end credits.

X-24 closely resembles Liev Schreiber's Victor Creed from Origins.

Surely intentional?

According to director, Charles having hair is down to his deteriorating mental condition, as mind was previously too busy for head to grow hair.

(WHAT?)

Continuity

Logan states bullet was acquired 'a long time ago', strongly inferring adamantium ammo was stolen from William Stryker.

We know bullet blew part of X-24's head off, but in Origins, Stryker scoring a head shot on Logan with the same shit only inflicted memory loss.

Errr.

Timeline

Ignoring Origins (standalone), The Wolverine takes place after The Last Stand.

Mid-credits scene with Ian McKellen's Magneto and Patrick Stewart's Xavier sets up Days of Future Past.

Wait a minute, Xavier was disintegrated at Jean Grey's house.

Anyway, Wolverine's time-travelling exploits in DOFP erased everything that happened between 1973 and 2023.

50 years flushed down the toilet.

Apocalypse is set in 1983, and extra scene shows X-23's blood retrieved by the Essex Corporation.

Feature presentation is set six years after the timeline established by DOFP, so we assume at some point, Charles killed several of the original X-Men when having one of his seizures.

Verbal and/or physical references include:

Logan as a cage fighter and battle at the Statue of Liberty (X-Men);
Dog tags, Weapon X and Logan murdering his father (X-Men Origins: Wolverine); and
Samurai sword (The Wolverine).

In his own words, Mangold said:

"We are in the future, we have passed the point of the epilogue of Days of Future Past."

As this is a direct sequel to both DOFP and Apocalypse, how the FUCK can Charles and Logan remember events from a timeline that no longer exists?

Yeah...

Sunday, 5 March 2017

Mysterious malfunctions in miscellany - Slide 2

I'll start with how random computer games are guilty of bizarre contradiction.

Mission A.D.

Box art vs loading screen.


I don't care about gun changing position, but what about Terminator's hand?

Did flesh regenerate?

Title screen of Mystery of the Indus Valley becomes Mystery of the Indus Valleys.


Gotta love appalling Indiana Jones rip off.

Ninja Master

Box art and loading screen match.


But title screen The Ninja Master fucks things up.


Behold, three 'different' games.

Spike in Transilvania
Spike the Viking
Spikey in Transylvania
Whoever drew loading screen was obviously a fan of comic strip Hägar the Horrible.

Ha ha ha!

Re: box art, they couldn't even spell famous Romanian region Transylvania correctly.

Still, at least title screen righted wrong.

European box art for overall superior Mega Drive port of hack and slash arcade classic Golden Axe was identical to Japanese counterpart.


Genesis and North America makes a curious amendment.

Why the fuck did artist have Ax Battler swap weapons?
Rocky Legends (Xbox/PS2) told how each major character rose to the top of the boxing world.

It's crystal clear Balboa's boxing gloves are red.
Geeks should accuse box art of doctoring this film still from Rocky II.

Unless you're colour blind...
Amusing.

Television shows can be just as error strewn as film.

Blood Feud (The Simpsons)

Homan blood, and shortly after...
...becomes human blood.
The Maltese Hamster is an episode from the original series of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or Hero Turtles in some countries.

Star antiqes? As Mikey would say - "Totally bogus dudes."
Presented by Greg James, reality gameshow I Survived a Zombie Apocalypse aired in 2015 on BBC Three.

Public Service Announcement during Episode 6 (or Day Six), describes the Abomination.

Attacks anything in 'it's' path.
Sentence should be 'Attacks anything in its path'. 
Super strong intelligent zombie was portrayed by Stevie Douglas.
Moving inevitably to the big screen.

A.W.O.L. is one of four titles given to my favourite Van Damme film.

The rest being Wrong Bet, Lionheart and Leon.

Note spelling of Atilla.
In credits, Abdel Qissi's end boss is now Attila.
The correct way to write The Muscles from Brussels is Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Not according to cult classic Kickboxer.

Titles
End credits
We all know Tong Po didn't play himself.

Sticking with Muay Thai, I spotted something in 2016 reboot Kickboxer: Vengeance.

First class boarding pass spells Kurt's surname as Sloan.
But.

Sloane in credits.
Robin Williams' final performance was voicing Dennis the dog in terrible sci-fi comedy Absolutely Anything.

Roll the mistakes.

Opening sequence states all living Pythons, (starring together for the first time since The Meaning of Life) form the Intergalatic Council of Superior Beings.
Damn.  These aliens can't spell Intergalactic.
As there's more than one, Pink Policeman in end credits should be pluralised as Policemen.
Beavis and Butthead Do America can't decide if it's the Freemont or Freemoht.
Denis Villeneuve's Enemy is an intriguing and complex masterpiece.

That ending?

Whoah!

Ignoring capitalisation, a portion of Daniel Saint Claire's profile interests me.


Height: 6' 183cm
Weight: 160 lbs 72kg

6 feet in cm is 182,88, so rounded up is 183.

Fine.

But 160 lbs in kg is 72.5748, so 73 rounded up.

Rounding up length and not mass?

Weird.

For this error alone, you have to to to to to to watch The Fault in Our Stars.
Amy's diploma in Gone Girl mentions both Radcliffe College and Radcillfe College.
Damn you Harvard University.
The phrase bunny boiler originated from 1987 thriller Fatal Attraction.

Newspaper clipping shows Alex's late father as Forest.
You know what's coming.

End credits got r happy and Alex Forrest is born.
I wouldn't piss on Superman IV: The Quest for Peace if it was on fire.

Foul smelling shit is supposed to be set in America, so daily rag should be our favorite newspaper.
'It's' back with an incorrect bang.

Contracted: Phase II
Escape Velocity
In a bizarre twist of fate.

Its should be it's.
Idiots.

See if you can spot a consistent problem with the following films.

Goddess of Love and Take Down


Swerve and Not Safe for Work


Life on the Line and Rise of the Krays


No?

There's isn't a full stop at the end of each tagline.

Lawless proves my point.

Gangsters. Brothers. Heroes.
2003 region 2 box set The Terminator Collection contains special edition of 1984 original and ultimate edition of T2: Judgment Day.
Cardboard container states Judgement Day.
Even if 'judgement' is the British spelling, I'm confused.

Memories From Martha's Vineyard is an absolute must for any Jaws fan.

The Vineyard Gazette (March 1974) reveals the story of a rampaging great white shark terrorizing a seaside resort will be directed by Stephen Stielberg.
Maybe it's Steven Spielberg's pseudonym?

"After a decade of silence... The buzzz is back"
Controversial original was released in 1974, so if first half of tagline is taken literally, we have a glaring goof on our hands, as very different sequel came in 1986.

Was 'buzz' spelled wrong on purpose? Probably not. 
Brian Helgeland's 2015 crime drama may have been based on John Pearson's book (first published in 1972), but biopic was simply called Legend (not to be confused with 1985 Tom Cruise film of same name).
So in reality, The Profession of Violence: The Rise and Fall of the Kray Twins is not a major film starring Tom Hardy.
Before signing off.

Black Adder: The Complete Collection
Taking a peek inside.

Blackadder Goes Forth was written by Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson.
Really? I mean REALLY?
This is ONLY true for first series The Black Adder.
Until next time.
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