Video games. Funny how? Volume 2

Beast Busters (Arcade)

A blue zombie wearing birthday suit blowing a cap in your ass?
Happens every day.

Bodies are everywhere?
As in the 'dead' variety? Where? I can't see any.
I guess the missing are some place else.

Chrono Trigger (SNES)

Sympathizers bringing that stuff to a lousy felon is bad, but if...

...silly apes, and not reptiles, end up ruling the world?
Arma-fucking-geddon!

Riot (Arcade)

What the... Oh, shoot. He's dead...
Such raw emotion.

The arrow of the UnderGround Inn is pointing to the Coffin Shop.
Wait a minute, coffins are usually buried underground.
If they meant it - that's brilliant.

Silent Hill (PS1)

In Midwich Elementary's OtherWorld, we can examine a huge fan.

Uh oh. Perhaps one should give instant death a wide berth.

So what happens if Harry 'carelessly approaches' rotating mechanism?

Absolutely nothing - so what's the fucking point?

Like the Manic Street Preachers once said, Suicide Is Painless.

Manchester United Europe was released in 1991.
Presumably, this is supposed to be Peter Schmeichel.

Let's compare artist's impression to the great man himself.

Ignoring blonde hair, remember goalkeeping legend's trademark of screwing up face and sticking out tongue like a deranged pervert?

Didn't think so.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

As with most movie licences, no two video games were the same.

To avoid confusion, ports of Midway's lightgun arcade of same name were renamed T2: The Arcade Game.

Anyway...

Game Boy

John Connor

Future leader of the human resistance looks like he's about to burst into tears.

Dipshit.

NES

This is (laughs) the T-1000.

What's with cheek muscles, and why is liquid metal assassin more orange than David Dickinson?

SNES game is infamous for Arnold's sprite jumping like a marionette.

But when forced into molten lead, baddie morphs into a rather strange shape.

Mystery chess piece or novelty dildo?

You decide.

Worst of all, look what they did to poor Linda Hamilton in the Amiga version.

A man on crystal meth death?

Oh my GOD!

Paperboy 64 (as it's commonly known), is a wacky, drug induced trip of disturbing inadequacy.

Truly ridiculous newspaper headlines reflect stage objective.

Highlights reel start:

Paperboy to perform stunts for mermaid

Trainers with cold hands bad

Rare gorilla kidnaps girl!

Walking dead read newspapers

Behold, the longest alien invasion EVER.

Aliens invade Omega City
Aliens still invade Omega City!
Aliens invade Omega City again
Once more, aliens invade
Alien invasion continues
No end in sight to alien invasion
Record set for longest alien invasion
Another wave of aliens invade city

One, two, eight stages later...

Paperboy abducted by aliens

Thank Christ for that, or we'd be here all day.

Miscellany

Dynasty Wars (Arcade)
"I've killed the general!"
Congratulations Liu Bei, but if it's a medal or knighthood you're after, you'll be waiting a fucking long time.

Cadillacs & Dinosaurs (Arcade)
Mustapha says he's a bad Mamba Jamma, which is slang for 'mother fucker'.
Don't forget, this is the same game which censored fuck with XXXX.

Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles (Wii)
"G again? What the hell is a G?"
Well Annette, G is part of the alphabet, traditionally coming before H and after F.
Hope that's clear - you dumb bitch.

Considering graphic adventure's title, you'd expect sinister image on box art to be taken from Dracula, right?

But no, it's actually lifted from F. W. Murnau's unauthorised adaptation Nosferatu.

I'm very confused.

Megablast (Arcade)
"Inorganic soldier"
Filename. Big Robot.
Who writes this shit?

Mutant Fighter (Arcade)
Although hard to defeat, advice on defeating Hydra is thusly:
"Be careful of its choke hold, or you will be strangled"
No, really?
What a shame wrestling obscurity doesn't contain a character called Ocean Fury, as best chance of victory would be:
"Avoid signature attack Storm Cloud Chaos, or you will get wet"

Ninja Spirit (Arcade)
I like this part of ending dialogue.
"The evil one who had been manipulating bad ninjas and disturbing the world perished."
Bad ninjas? As opposed to good?
Ha ha ha!

Obitus (SNES)
Finding all parchments is a fruitless task, best not to bother...
NPC has more negativity than a truck load of faulty batteries.

Operation Wolf (Arcade)
Why is President so pissed?
Because the hostages are all dead.
And yet, you still receive a bonus of $60000.
Not bad for such a tremendous failure.

R-Types (PS1)
Spiritual creature flies aimlessly looking for things to do.
With such an exciting life to lead, I bet Mikun can't wait to be shot down.
Digressing somewhat, but above is taken from the 'Data' section, found inside R's Library Version 1.0, which for some bizarre reason, wasn't included in the European version.

Rastan (Arcade)
Holy shit! As I'm the only one who is still alive, I best ambulate faster than local gravity will allow, as Conan wannabe cutting off my head will dampen an otherwise kick ass day.

Resident Evil Code: Veronica (Dreamcast)
The Eagle Plate has flown into the sewer?
Who knows if intentional, but it's still funny.
However, it would've have been a lot cleverer if said object had 'soared'.

Rick Dangerous (C64)
Fearless hero hopes to avoid getting a broken Ankhel in Egypt.
Drunk or sober - I am not amused.

Superman (N64)
Well done, (after flying through rings, rings and more fucking rings), you managed to get your friends out of this nightmare.
Oh the irony.

To finish off, I still can't believe what I'm reading.

Ultra Street Fighter II: The Final Challengers (Switch)
Description of Way of the Hado claims by using the Joy-Con, player can command Ryu to perform real-life Hadokens and other special moves.

Will you excuse me a moment?

(By all means).

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Truth or Dare - The scoop and digest

Blumhouse's latest teen horror could be confused with two different films of same name.

Just to make things more exciting, 2012 revenge flick Truth or Die is known as Truth or Dare in the UK.

So technically three then.

Oh, there's also a 1986 flick called Truth or Dare?: A Critical Madness.

Anyway guys, let's play.

Lucy Hale - Olivia
Tyler Posey - Lucas
Violett Beane - Markie
Hayden Szeto - Brad
Landon Liboiron - Carter/Sam

Claiming hand was forced, a girl torches gas station killing everybody inside.

At some point in the not too distant future, a guy called Carter convinces friends to continue Mexican piss up at a derelict mission church.

Expendable game of truth or dare ends with Carter admitting he deceived Olivia and co for them to replace him in said game of the supernatural.

Before leaving, he explains to Olivia they can't escape game and must follow the rules, or die.

In other words, those who bottle dare or tell porky pies can kiss asses goodbye.

What you see is fake, but consequences aren't.

Trust me, you won't give a flying fuck about anybody who dies.

As body count rises, survivors track down Giselle (girl from beginning), who informs she played the game with her friend Sam (Carter's real name), and he's the reason why situation exists.

Game is played again, resulting in Giselle's death.

After researching the net (taken from the Ladybird book of clichés), Olivia locates a mute and former nun, who was originally responsible for summoning a demon named Calax, which possessed the game.

Game can only be stopped if the last person who unleashed demon repeats a Spanish incantation seven times, sacrifices tongue and places it inside urn.

Sam made the bed, now he's got to lie in it.

At the mission, things don't go to plan, as Lucas is forced to kill Sam before ritual can be completed.

Olivia calls demon an asshole (honestly) who says game can never be over, but if her and Markie manage to draw more people in, their turn can be prolonged.

Let's hope bitches don't promote initiation by broadcasting a YouTube video...

Well bugger me with a kebab skewer.

Absolute classic ends with a viewer becoming possessed.

Comedy gold

In terms of quality, this is on par with The Bye Bye Man, but at least Jeff Wadlow's pseudo Final Destination wannabe is considerably more entertaining.

Please don't read too much into that, because I'd rather have my penis removed surgically without anaesthetic than watch this steaming mound of shit again.

Despicable characters, embarrassing jump scares, infantile script, ridiculous story and appalling acting take a back seat to what had me, (and probably others), in stitches.

When done right, smiling can make skin crawl.

But here, it's beyond hilarious.

I'm sure facial expressions were inspired by filters in social media apps, but fusing Willem Dafoe with Jack Nicholson's Joker on crack?

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?

Check out some script highlights.

Ronnie is the first to cark it and believes one lucky lady wants to see his 'business'.

Note to self.  Must use said statement to chat up a bird.

But best of all.

Lucas's explanation for nun not uttering a word for 50 years is that she took 'a vow of silence'.

Trouble is, this is before they knew about her severing tongue.

Ha ha ha!!!!

A Quiet Place - The scoop and digest

John Krasinski writes and directs one of the most hyped horrors in recent years.

For your own safety, I suggest you keep schtum...

In post-apocalyptic New York, the Abbott family (consisting of husband Lee, wife Evelyn, and children Beau, Marcus and Regan), loot a pharmacy for supplies.

As they make their way across town, Beau activates a toy rocket and despite father's best efforts, a creature has son for breakfast.

Brutal opening.

Day 472

A year later on adopted farm house, here's a bit of Q & A.

Creatures are heavily armoured, blind, and hunt anything silly enough that make a sound.

Stay silent, stay alive.

Lee fixes Regan's cochlear implant, but fails to restore hearing.

Day 473

We learn Evelyn is heavily pregnant and while Lee takes Marcus fishing, Regan visits Beau's grave.

As Lee and Marcus return, random old guy suddenly pops up and decides to effectively commit suicide by yelling hysterically.

WTF?

Meanwhile, Evelyn steps on a nail (ouch) in the basement and dropping object, alerts a creature nearby.

She manages to clamber inside bathtub, where she goes into labour.

Latest addition to Abbott family is born off-screen, but baby wailing inevitably attracts unwanted attention.

Lee manages to guide them inside sound-proof room below basement.

Knowing they can't stay underground forever, Lee agrees to leave safe haven and find children.

After some grain silo shenanigans, kids are reunited with pop.

However, they are soon harassed and Lee sacrifices himself to save Marcus and Regan.

(Removes lump from throat).

Releasing truck's handbrake, they return to mum.

Nasty old creature has all concerned trapped, but Regan places cochlear implant next to radio equipment and maxes out volume, creating a high-pitched frequency.

Completely disorientated, flesh beneath armoured head is exposed, and Evelyn doesn't need a second invitation to blow now vulnerable head off.

Security monitor shows two more beasties approaching, and Evelyn loads shotgun.

Silence is golden

Brilliant.

Creature feature/family drama emits raw emotion.

Acting is very convincing, (particularly by Krasinski and real-life spouse Emily Blunt), but children also shine.

I applaud the choice of Millicent Simmonds as Regan, who is deaf in real life.

Situation is taken very seriously and tension can't be cut with a mere knife.

Barefooted survivors communicate via sign language (obviously subtitled) and gesticulation.

The only words audible are when Lee and Marcus are near waterfall, as natural noise automatically protects.

Makes sense, right?

Monsters ooze menace and the way heads split open to reveal internal gubbins of advanced hearing tackle is awesome.

Without sounding crazy, design kinda reminds me of Chimera of Resident Evil fame (less insect-like appearance).

While I'm not screaming direct rip off, but blind monsters using only sound to hunt are reminiscent of Clickers from The Last of Us.

Nevertheless, watch this film.

Ghost Stories - The scoop and digest

Premiering in October 2017 at the London Film Festival, writing and directing duo Andy Nyman and Jeremy Dyson adapt their stage play of same name for the big screen.

Andy Nyman - Dr. Philip Goodman
Martin Freeman - Mike Priddle
Paul Whitehouse - Tony Matthews
Alex Lawther - Simon Rifkind

Years after 1970s paranormal psychologist Charles Cameron is presumed dead, Dr. Goodman visits the now sick and reclouse Cameron, who challenges paranormal skeptic to make sense of three unsolved cases.

We're told that 'incidents' commence at 3.45am (important).

Case 1: Tony Matthews

A nightwatchman working at a women's hospital is haunted by a young girl.

He's eventually led and trapped inside a room filled with mannequins, coming face to face with his tormentor.

In the aftermath, Goodman chats with a priest who says apparition was an 'unquiet' spirit.

Case 2: Simon Rifkind

On the way up to wee lad's bedroom, Goodman checks out an old framed photograph of youths hanging out near a tunnel.

Hmmm...

Driving home from a party, Simon knocks down a Satyr, which begins to terrorise him.

Fleeing from unholy beast, he's attacked by a tree.

Goodman concludes that in order to cope with his daughter's condition of Lock-in syndrome, Matthews became an alcoholic, whereas Rifkind was simply nearing psychosis.

Case 3: Mike Priddle

While his wife is in labour, wealthy countryman is troubled by a poltergeist playing silly buggers.

As story cuts back and forth, Goodman hallucinates a hooded person.

After spectral encounter with wife, Priddle tells Goodman that childbirth literally split Maria in two.

Conceding that life goes on, Priddle blows his head off.

The brain sees what it wants to see

Goodman returns to Cameron, angrily accusing idol of elaborate hoax.

Cameron removes latex mask and reveals himself to be Priddle.

Tearing away the confines of caravan, Priddle takes Goodman back to his childhood, as photo at Rifkind's house is played out.

Goodman is trapped by two bullies and the same hooded boy (a mentally handicapped kid nicknamed Kojak) shows up.  Forced inside narrow tunnel, Kojak gets stuck and dies of an asthma attack.

The bullies flee, as does Goodman.

Priddle brands Goodman a coward for making no attempt to save him.

After witnessing Priddle feeding inhuman child 'Barty' cat food, a zombified Kojak condemns Goodman to hospital bed.

At some point in the present, Doctor Priddle and his assistant Rifkind check on patient's condition, and reveal that following a failed suicide attempt by asphyxiation (causing Lock-in syndrome), Goodman was admitted at 3.45am.

Hospital janitor Matthews makes a fleeting appearance and Goodman is left to suffer in his own personal hell.

Compelling

Superbly written and brilliantly acted, this is another excellent piece of British cinema.

Unlike the majority of big budget American horrors, tropes don't wear obvious clichés and while fairly sparse, jump scares chill to the bone.

The only thing I didn't like is Rifkind's experience.

It's almost like an Evil Dead parody, and even copies famous high speed POV.

Maybe effect was also created by bolting camera to a 2x4 piece of wood (shot at eighteen frames a second), with two people holding on to each end, running at Rifkind's car?

Ha ha ha!

Satyr asks Rifkind to 'stay', with guy exclaiming 'FUCK THAT!'

(Shakes head).

Although clues are littered throughout, twist is well disguised until the end.

My interpretation is that guilt is used as a metaphor, with imagination inspired by characters and surroundings.

This is backed up by final scene containing elements of Goodman's fantasy world.

Ready Player One - Extended Play

As promised, here's my pop culture guide to Spielberg's uber fun adaptation of Ernest Cline's novel of same name.

I'm not saying this should be taken as gospel, but certainly kicks the ass of any skanky alternative you may have already viewed.

Ha ha ha!

Enjoy guys.

Film (and television)

The following are seen in Copper key race.

DeLorean (modded with Knight Rider KITT lights)
Interceptor (Mad Max)
Batmobile (1966 film and 60s series)
Kaneda's bike (Akira)
Plymouth Fury (Christine)
Chevrolet G20 (The A-Team)
Mach 5 (Speed Racer series)

Various vehicles from Death Race 2000, (not remake Death Race), are also on display.

Avatars

Robocop (1987)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014 reboot)
Cyclops (The 7th Voyage of Sinbad)
Jason Vorhees (Friday the 13th series)
Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)
Beetlejuice
Chucky (Child's Play)
Doc Brown (2015 outfit as worn at the end of Back to the Future and first segment of Part II)
Gremlins
Skeletons (Jason and the Argonauts 1963)
Ash (The Evil Dead)

Weapons

Aech fights with a EM-1 Railgun (Eraser).

At the Distracted Globe dance club, Art3mis uses a M41A pulse rifle (Aliens) and at some point, also wields a Lawgiver (either from terrible 1995 Stallone film Judge Dredd, or the far superior Dredd).

A Madball grenade makes Sorrento's MechaGodzilla go boom.

Miscellany

Parzival's empty gun holster looks suspiciously like Han Solo's equivalent and belt displays Thundercats logo.

King Kong and T. Rex (Jurassic Park) act as primary obstacles during race.

Zemeckis Cube (ref to BTTF director Robert Zemeckis and modelled on Rubik's Cube) rewinds time for 60 seconds.

Iron Giant uses his body as a bridge (much like Superman does in the 1978 film to allow a train to pass safely over him) and as metallic ally drowns in molten sea, departs with a Terminator 2 thumbs up.

Merlin's magical charm Anál Nathrakh from John Boorman's Excalibur is uttered to control the Orb of Osuvox.

Fictitious movie marquee for Jack Slater III during race is a nod to Last Action Hero.

Halliday's Archives is based on high school library in The Breakfast Club.

Other pieces of celluloid reffed in dialogue include Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Bill & Ted, There's Something About Mary (Parzival's hairstyle), Superman (1978), Star Wars (Millennium Falcon), It's a Wonderful Life and The Dark Crystal.

Sorrento's avatar (complete with iconic hair curl) is a muscular version of Superman and also, Art3mis gives Parzival a Clark Kent disguise.

Keeping with DC, Joker and Harley Quinn join the party.

Aech's garage has miniature models of Galactica (Battlestar Galactica), Valley Forge (Silent Running) and the Sulaco (Aliens).

In lockup's background:

ED-209 (Robocop 1987), Thunderfighter (Buck Rogers in the 25th Century), EVA pod (2001: A Space Odyssey), Colonial Fighter (also of Battlestar Galactica), the Serenity (Firefly series) and Eagle 5 (Spaceballs).

Posters

Mad Max, 2019: After the Fall of New York, Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Fly (1986).

Not strictly related, but electoral campaign to re-elect Mayor "Goldie" Wilson is yet another BTTF ref.

Video games

Avatars

Ryu, Blanka, Sagat and Chun-Li (Street Fighter series)
Morrigan (Darkstalkers: The Night Warriors)
Samus (Metroid)
Big Daddy (Bioshock)
Duke Nukem
Sonic
Freddy Krueger (debuted as guest character in 2011 Mortal Kombat reboot*)
Attikus, Miko and Benedict (Battleborn)
Batman (cape shy, so Arkham Knight)
Lara Croft (original guise)
Tracer (Overwatch)
Flying ostrich (Joust)
Battletoads
Commander Shepard (Mass Effect)
Sub-Zero and Raiden (Mortal Kombat)
Jill Valentine (Resident Evil 3)
Chris Redfield (Resident Evil 5)

*Due to having bladed glove for each hand.

Anybody who says otherwise is WRONG.

Weapons

Art3mis spawns Lancer Assault Rifle with chainsaw bayonet (Gears of War), Parzival uses a Quake railgun and Aech lets a MA5B Assault Rifle (Halo) do the talking.

This may well be unique to running time, but...

When I-R0k is shooting the Iron Giant, rifle has a skull mounted on the dangerous end.

I immediately associate that with Shadows of the Damned, namely Johnson transforming into the Big Boner.

Coincidence?

Miscellany

Pole Position car from 1982 arcade joins race starting line-up.

Shops sell merch for Street Fighter, Overwatch, Borderlands, Halo and Dungeons & Dragons.

Parzival executes a Hadouken and Flash Kick on Sorrento.

Both are famous special moves from Street Fighter.

Can't remember who, but a Super Mario Kart joke is said during van chase in real world.

Sorrento talks about playing Robotron (as in 2084) and Parzival chats to Art3mis about N64 classic GoldenEye 007, revealing his favourite character is Oddjob.

Sixers say the majority of Atari 2600 games are impossible to finish, with Adventure being an obvious exception.

For fun, Raiders of the Lost Ark and Superman are other examples.

Posters

The Legend of Zelda, Pac-Man, Joust, Galaga '88 and Donkey Kong Jr.

Combinations

Here's a few that don't fit anywhere.

Art3mis disguises herself as Goro (Mortal Kombat) and pranks Parzival with chestburster arm puppet (Alien 1979).

Parzival detonates a Holy Hand Grenade.  Such weapons can be used in Worms, which in itself is a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

That's it - I'm done.

Ready Player One - The scoop and digest

Ernest Cline's debut novel is adapted for the big screen by a guy named Steven Spielberg, who over the years, has apparently been responsible for some decent films.

Could another be added to glittering CV?

Tye Sheridan - Wade Watts/Parzival
Olivia Cooke - Samantha Cook/Art3mis
Ben Mendelsohn - Nolan Sorrento
T.J. Miller - I-R0k
Mark Rylance - James Halliday/Anorak
Simon Pegg - Ogden Morrow

The year is 2045.

To escape their slum-like reality, peeps hook up to the OASIS, a virtual landscape where imagination has no limits.

Heck.  You can even climb Mount Everest with Batman.

It's never confirmed, but those who have read the book will know world stands for Ontologically Anthropocentric Sensory Immersive Simulation.

Prior to his death in 2040, OASIS creator James Halliday programmed hidden game Anorak's Quest, and the reward for finding the first video game Easter Egg will assume full ownership of the OASIS.

This becomes an obsession for Egg hunters (dubbed 'Gunters').

Innovative Online Industries bigwig Nolan Sorrento has recruited an army of Sixers (named so because of six digit identification number) to achieve the same goal.

Going by the avatar of Parzival, Stacks teenager Wade Watts befriends player Art3mis (Samantha Cook) and after researching the ramblings of Halliday, wins the impossible race by going underground (crucially avoiding pseudo end boss King Kong) and receives copper key.

Overhearing Wade telling Art3mis his real name, bounty hunter and freelance arms dealer I-R0k goes running to Sorrento.

After Wade refuses to join forces, baddie retaliates by launching an attack on Stacks.

Winning a bet with OASIS curator gives licence to enter The Shining.

With jade key secured, final challenge awaits inside Castle Anorak on Planet Doom.

Wade delivers a speech which rallies OASIS players to help kick IOI ass.

A battle royale ensues, with Iron Giant and Gundam taking on Sorrento's MechaGodzilla.

Oh, and 'fucking' Chucky.

Yes, it's as good as it sounds.

Meanwhile, the Sixers chew Atari fat and deduce game that literally holds the key is 1979 classic Adventure.

Wade does what he has to and acquires crystal key.

'Created by Warren Robinett'.

Ahem.

Using all three keys, Wade opens castle's gate and is congratulated by Anorak.

Presented with, but rejecting the same contract that Morrow had to sign on his termination, avatar transforms into a projection of Halliday.

Wade chooses to not wipe out the OASIS by pushing the Big Red Button and awarded with the fabled Golden Egg.

Sorrento is arrested for aggressive mischief in the real world and in the aftermath, Morrow reveals himself to be the Curator.

Under new rules, the OASIS is shut down for two days a week to allow greater interaction between people.

During which, Wade and Samantha pucker up.

Absolute BLAST

Not that it was ever in doubt, but he's done it again.

Even though characters are wafer thin and running time nearly outstays its welcome, this is the best geekgasm I've ever had.

To avoid being accused of narcissism, Spielberg only includes Mr. Rex of Jurassic Park fame during incredible race sequence.

Admirable.  But I wanted some kind of Jaws ref.

Boooooo!!!!

Scheduling conflicts meant this is one of the few occasions that long-term collaborator John Williams doesn't compose soundtrack.

Instead, Alan Silvestri injects subtle variations of BTTF excerpts and jingles.

Yes lots of things have changed, but the most inspired alteration is replacing WarGames with the essential meat of Stanley Kubrick's classic.

Grady twins, typewriter pages (key-shaped), Room 237, blood elevator, axe through door (without Heere's Johnny), ballroom dance, naked zombie bath lady, hedge maze and b/w photo (Halliday instead of Jack).

Original footage is combined with CG, and I was grinning from ear to ear.

Boasting the likes of Stayin' Alive (The Bee Gees), One Way or Another (Blondie) and World In My Eyes (Depeche Mode), retro soundtrack complements proceedings perfectly.

Samantha wears tee of Joy Division's Unknown Pleasures and a poster of Rush album 2112 can be seen in Halliday's bedroom.

Less obvious is Billy Idol EP Don't Stop in the OASIS archives.

This won't go down in cinematic history as a classic, but it's definitely one of the most entertaining pieces of celluloid ever made.

I've only briefly touched upon pop culture, so a separate guide will follow.