Terminator: Dark Fate - The scoop and digest

Consigning T3: Rise of the Machines, Salvation, Genisys and even The Sarah Connor Chronicles to another timeline, the alternate sequel to T2: Judgment Day is upon us.

But way before this was S. M. Stirling's book trilogy (comprising of Infiltrator, Rising Storm and The Future War).

Going further, mini-sequel T2-3D was a Universal Studios attraction.

Put that in yer' Skynet pipe and smoke it.

Anyway, can Tim 'Deadpool' Miller resuscitate ailing franchise?

Linda Hamilton - Sarah Connor
Arnold Schwarzenegger - T-800/Carl
Mackenzie Davis - Grace
Natalia Reyes - Dani
Gabriel Luna - Rev-9

Summary

Sometime in 1998, Sarah and John are enjoying a drink in Guatemala.

But from nowhere, a T-800 selfishly murders John.

2020.

Mexico hosts primary location, as augmented human Grace and latest baddie Rev-9 from 2042 (where new AI Legion rules), have very different agendas for meeting 'mother of the future' Dani.

Sarah joins the party, as does eventually her son's murderer 'Carl', as they team up to swat near invincible insect.

Hasta la vista, baby

Better than T3 and beyond, but that's not exactly saying much.

Female leads bounce off each other nicely, Arnold's droll demeanour made me occasionally chuckle, but holy shit - Luna's villain was duller than dull.

Action sequences are derivative of previous movies and contain way too much CG.

Brett Azar is again young Arnie's body double, and as per Genisys, digital effects still look weird.

Like the T-X, Rev-9 is composed of endoskeleton and liquid-metal exoskeleton, but unlike female predecessor, is able to fully separate components; allowing both to act independently.

Also, unnatural recovery smacks of T-3000 (aka John Connor of Genisys fame).

After regenerating for the umpteenth time, 'human form' is forced inside a grinder and badly damaged endoskeleton is fried with Grace's power source.

Ripping off T3? Now that's desperate.

Haphazard screenplay contains an absolute beauty.

Before final showdown, Sarah calls Rev-9 a 'metal motherfucker'.

Hilariously BAD.

There's also a really pointless scene while Guitars, Cadillacs plays (one of several T2 callbacks), as garden shed literally breaks Rev-9's fall, who apologises to random family for doing so.

Hmmm.

Fairly early on, Dani cools Grace by pouring ice cubes on protector.

Err, Universal Soldier anybody?

Not that it happens, but Dani even suggests using a bath.

I am such a geek.

Ha ha ha.

Why doesn't Carl's dog bark incessantly?

Yes he's learned to become more human over the years, but he's still a Terminator.

Bizarre

Film begins with T2 flashback scene of Sarah in Pescadero describing recurring nightmare of August 29 1997.

Everything flows perfectly, until:

"You're the one living in a fucking dream (BLANK), cos' I know it happens. It happens!"

So they didn't have permission to say Silberman, even though we hear Earl Boen's voice?

I'm VERY confused.

The confusing world of film sequels

I'll begin with some fun.

Grindhouse double Planet Terror and Death Proof collectively advertise 'fake' trailers for Machete, Machete Kills and Hobo with a Shotgun.

All of which became real films of course.

Werewolf Women of the SS, Don't and Thanksgiving weren't so lucky.

Joke or not, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers promised Student Chainsaw Nurses, which sadly never materialised.

Similarly, clever Jaws parody Blades teased Hedges.

Spoofing anything from Top Gun to Mission: Impossible, 22 Jump Street is the undisputed fake poster king.

Okay.  Down to business.

Despite name and number, expect a wicked combination of fake sequels and erroneous nonsense drafted in to unnecessarily bamboozle.

To be fair, the finger of blame should be pointed at studios, rather than film-makers.

But whatever, enjoy.

Natura Contro (translated as Against Nature) was released in 1988, and today is best known as Green Inferno or Canniabl Holocaust 2.
It wasn't a sequel to Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust and just to make things more confusing, there was another film called Green Inferno in 1973, which 40 years later, would not be remade by Eli Roth in 2013 as The Green inferno.

America released Shock as Beyond the Door II, but had nothing to do with said series.

Similarly, Death Train or Amok Train, came out as Beyond the Door III.

Although The Church is also known as Demons 3, Michele Soavi's film has more in common wih my ass than the 'Demons' franchise.

Arrow Video released Demons and Demons 2 in 2012 with a a two-part comic included, called Demons 3.

Crazy shit.

Lamberto Bava's The Ogre was released on video in America as Demons III: The Ogre.

To capitalise on Grizzly's earlier success, Claws was re-released in 1978 in Canada and Mexico as Grizzly 2.
Interestingly, official sequel Grizzly II: The Concert was filmed and partially completed during the early 80's, but was never released.

1995 classic was updated in 2008 and titled Ghost of the Shell 2.0.

Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence (2004) is considered a loose sequel.

Titanic II is a mockbuster, not sequel to James Cameron's 1997 blockbuster.

The Howling IV: The Original Nightmare is based on original book, so obviously doesn't follow events of Howling III.

Universal Soliders wasn't a belated sequel to Van Damme/Lundgren action vehicle, but a Predator rip-off with Terminator-esque baddies thrown in for good measure.

Presumably because Sean Cunnigham produced it, The Horror Show was renamed House 3 for UK and Australian releases.
Because of this, House 4 is the real House 3.

Fright Night 2: New Blood takes chunks from Fright Night (1985), 2011 remake and Fright Night Part 2 (1988).

Showgirls 2: Penny's from Heaven is a remake, sequel and parody.

Troll 2 features goblins, not trolls.
HA HA HA!

The icky Xtro received two sequels, The Second Encounter and Watch the Skies.  Even though both were directed by Harry Bromley Davenport, neither had anything to do with original.

Stand-alone or remake?
I'm on either side, but whatever, Deep Blue Sea 2 doesn't deserve 'sequel' tag.

Randomly introducing witch cult, Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation bore no relation to Better Watch Out! and although next entry returned to killer Santa theme, The Toy Maker followed another unrelated plot.

Silent Night served as a loose remake of 1984 original.

Much to the annoyance of Rene Perez, Playing with Dolls: Bloodlust was repackaged in the UK as Leatherface.
Tactic was no accident, as distributor knew about upcoming Texas Chainsaw prequel.

Okay, now volume is turned up beyond eleven.

Mario Bava's hugely influential 1971 masterpiece A Bay of Blood was re-released in America under several names, including The Last House on the Left - Part 2.

Dario Argento's Deep Red didn't hit Japan until 1978, and bizarrely marketed as Suspiria Part 2.

One of the alternative titles for Night Train Murders was Last House - Part II, which according to tagline, implies the 'First' was either Wes Craven's original or 'Last House', which to this day - doesn't exist.
Errr, WTF? 

Naked Exorcist, aka Return of the Exorcist, was at some point dubbed The Exorcist III: Cries and Shadows.
The Exorcist III didn't come out until 1990.

The power of Christ compels me to show you 1975 poster.

Please note mysterious figure.

For some reason, The Exorcist's poster springs instantly to mind.

Max von Sydow's Father Merrin made an unofficial appearance.

For the record, original eventually received two prequels.  Exorcist: The Beginning and Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist.

The Crawlers never received a sequel, but is also known as Troll 3¹, Creepers² and Contamination³.

¹Bears no connection to Troll or Troll 2.  Quest for the Mighty Sword (last in the Ator series) can also be called so.
²Dario Argento's Phenomena was released in America as Creepers.
³ntbcw 1980 film of same name, which was renamed Alien Contamination by North American distributor Cannon Films to capitalize on the success of Ridley Scott's Alien.

Now it's time for Italy to strut piss-taking stuff.

Alien 2: On Earth is the unofficial 1980 sequel to Alien.

Released only in Japan for MSX, Aliens: Alien 2 covered all bases.

Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws would have you believe series continued, but...
TV movie even had the cheek to recycle footage from Jaws, Jaws II, Deep Blood and The Last Shark.
For shits and giggles, it also pretty much lifted Mafia subplot from Peter Benchley's original 1974 Jaws novel.
Gotta love how tagline builds on Jaws: The Revenge.

The Evil Dead was called La Casa and similarly, Evil Dead II was dubbed La Casa II.

No prizes for guessing what happened next.

Before Army of Darkness, there was La Casa 3 (later released as Ghosthouse).

Two more 'sequels' followed, La Casa 4 (Witchery) and La Casa 5 (Beyond Darkness).

Peversely, House II: The Second Story and The Horror Show were also released under the La Casa label, as 'sixth' and 'seventh' films respectively.

Bonus round start.

Even though 1973 Spanish horror El ataque de los muertos sin ojos (Return of the Blind Dead) was renamed Return of the Evil Dead for English-speaking countries, it did not provide the basis for Sam Raimi's Evil Dead.

It was actually the second in Amando de Ossorio's 'Blind Dead' series.

Interesting, right?

Bruno Mattei remade Aliens and called it Terminator 2.
Unsurprisingly, Shocking Dark was never released in America.

Let's take a closer look.

Sara vs Ripley

Samantha vs Newt

Burke vs Burke

Main villain turns out to be Tubular Corporation's Perfect Android.

Marines gather to chew the fat.

We do at least get an alien.

Holy SHIT!

Grand finale is done ass about face on purpose.

Day of the Dead (1985) was loosely remade in 2008 and again in 2018, with the subtitle of Bloodline.

Before all that.

Day of the Dead 2: Contagium is the unofficial prequel to Romero's original.

Dawn of the Dead (1978) was remade in 2004.

During a legal battle with the MKR Group, Capcom famously added disclaimer for the European release of Dead Rising.

This game was not developed, approved or licensed by the owners or creators of George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead.

1986 computer game Zombi was heavily influenced by DOTD and was followed by Zombi 2 (1979).

If only it were true...

(Laughs).

I wonder where Ubisoft lifted cover art from?

When ported from Wii U to PS4 etc, ZombiU was simply renamed Zombi.

Right, to serious business.

Dawn of the Dead was released in Italy as Zombi, so to cash in on its success, Lucio Fulci's gore-drenched classic was called Zombi 2 (without director's knowledge or permission).

So in the UK.

Zombie Flesh Eaters (Zombi 2)
Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 (Zombi 3)
Zombie Flesh Eaters 3 (Oltre la morte, aka After Death)

3 is unrelated to series and was called Zombie 4 in Japan.

Think that's bad, it gets much worse.

Germany

Zombie (Dawn of the Dead)
Zombie 2: Das Letzte Kapitel (Day of the Dead)
Zombie III (Zombi 3)

Zombi 2 was released separately as Woodoo.

Thailand

Zombie Flesh Eaters (Zombi 2)
Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 (Zombi 3)
Zombie Flesh Eaters 3 (Oltre la morte, aka After Death)
Zombie Flesh Eaters 4 (Uccelli assassini, aka Killing Birds)

3 and 4 are completely unrelated to series.

America

Zombie (Zombi 2)
Zombie 3 (Zombi 3)
Zombie 4: After Death (Oltre la morte, aka After Death)
Zombie 5: Killing Birds (Uccelli assassini, aka Killing Birds)
Zombie 6: Monster Hunter (Absurd)

So 'Zombie 2' doesn't exist.

Killing Birds (1987) was released before After Death (1988), and Absurd came out in 1981.

Err, logic?

So after all that shit, Germany was the only country to exploit Day of the Dead.

But what of Night of the Living Dead?

Special effects extraordinaire Tom Savini directed impressive remake of same name in 1990.

As the undead powers that be never copyrighted 1968 original, mayhem inevitably ensued.

Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)

Remake starred Sid Haig and was unbelievably bad.

Night of the Living Dead: Reanimated (2009)

Soundtrack, concept and dialogue is retained, but contributing artists (who didn't get paid a penny for their efforts), employed their own styles of stop-motion, claymation, sock puppets and comic book visuals.

Imaginative I suppose.

Night of the Living Dead: Reanimation (2012)

Prequel to NOTLD 3D.

Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection (2012)

Third remake was shot in Wales.

Night of the Living Dead: Darkest Dawn (2015)

With graphics shoddier than a low-end PS1 game, CG movie swaps farmhouse setting for modern-day apartment block.

Tony Todd and Bill Moseley reprised roles as Ben and Johnny from first remake.

Bad cover art - Take 10

Inseminoid
Somewhere in the depths of space...
Constipated extraterrestrial is failing miserably to scare female astronaut.
Thank goodness nightmare isn't our reality.

Bomber Bob
In this shameless Bomb Jack clone, banana pants must defuse the Pentagon, outwit the evil Kleptov, thus saving the world from impending doom.
What does 'B' stand for? Bomber or Bob?
Who knows? And more importantly - who fucking cares?

Shanghai Warriors
Getting booted in the solar plexus always hurts, but living with the shame and ignomy of knowing you've being tagged by cardboard figure stiffer than a veteran porn star is enough to make anybody want to curl up and die.

Oriental Hero
Albino ninja exposing nipple, holding pointy stick aloft in triumph and clutching innocent serpent like grim death may appeal to weirdos, but leaves the rest of us feeling rather nauseous.

Black Lamp
Hey fat bastard. Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Guess who ate all the pies?
Yes, it was a rhetorical question.

Prince Clumsy
Muscular monster and blonde bimbo attempt to rip Prince Clumsy limb from limb for the right to violate knight in rusty armour.
In these dark times, beggars can't be choosers I suppose.

Sir Fred
As schnozzle is bigger than most continents, was artist inspired by Gerald Scarfe's caricatures used in title sequences of Yes Minister and Yes, Prime Minister?
More importantly, is cover art an accurate representation of sprite?
To be generous, kinda.

Zeus
Is game called Hera?
No. So why the fuck is hubby nowhere to be seen?
Also, what's with S literally pointing out area above chesticles?

Death Mask
Terror through the eye of the...
Wait a minute, is this a strange play on 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder?'
I see claret trickling from left eye and right corner of mouth.
Considering mask is apparently a 'death' sentence, piece of shit is doing a piss poor job of living up to its reputation.

The Paranoia Complex
So there I was minding my own business, and this crazy motherfucker appears from nowhere, forces some green shit into my veins, leaving me pissing diarrhoea through every orifice until I expire.
Happy days.

Gemstone Warrior
Hands up if we feel sorry for cyclops getting strangled by heroic pensioner?
Nobody? Fair enough.

Major League Manager
(Conversation plays out from left to right).
Did you just shag our lass in the back?
Yeah, so what?
You lousy bastard, it was my turn to hit a home run.
But it's alright for you to pound my old lady's drums?
That's not the goddamn point.
Anyway, fuck those bitches. Fancy getting alcohol poisoning in the bar?
(Suddenly moans in extreme pain).
What's up yer' fanny?
Ugh, it's my arm. It's just been violently twisted.
Ha ha ha! Good one.

World Championship Boxing Manager
If boxing minger can't bear to watch, how can Goliath Games expect anybody to take piece of shit further than shop shelf?
Cue aggressive head scratching.

Outback
Kangaroo poachers?
What a marvellous advert for Australia.
Wait a minute, cork hats using balloons as transport?
Even a flaming gallah wouldn't appreciate such logic.

Buddy Bubble
After guzzling diesel and confusing vodka for petrol, powers that be insisted on using infantile masterpiece to market their game.
Sales figures were shall we say 'interesting'.

Freak Factory
Albert Einstein is seen as a genius.
Now I see E=mc² in a whole different, and very demented light.

Catch 'Em
Not content with one perverted human, apes snorted identical halluciogen.
Look at their eyes. Like fucking dinner plates
Creature tucking into monkey brunch (how original) with exclamation mark curiously placed above head pretty much confirms nobody knows what the fuck's going on. 

Boxing
How do you spice up something so incredibly drab?
Add rainbow trails of course.

Davy: King of the Wild Frontier, and his Quest to Save the Gal He Loves
Desperate Dan knock-off isn't so Dandy.
So I have a more appropriate title.
Davy: King of the Crumpled Penis Nose, and the Tag of Forever Virgin.

Embodiment of Evil
Third in Coffin Joe trilogy had fingernails turn rapper who made ill-advised decision of selling soul to record label Burnt Down Bollocks.
Shit didn't go according to plan, and black hat spent the rest of his days soiling pants and sucking meals through a straw. 

Killer Kong
To whoever was responsible, thank you for genuinely making me cry with laughter.
With such an impressive pair of tits, no wonder ape is wearing a grin more famous than the Mona Lisa.
For the record, game itself was one of many Donkey Kong clones. 

Pac-Man
In this bizarre iteration, Pac-Man is a buck-toothed scrawny freak, doomed to munching on plastic discs (or whatever the fuck they're supposed to be).
Oh, you've got to admire Middle Ages setting too.
WAKA WAKA WAKA!

The Peace Keepers
I'd rather wallow in the fires of pixel hell then share a world with this quartet of dickheads.

Psycho Hopper
Go on pal, hop like the bastard wind and don't stop until cliff precipice is breached.
As t-shirt states 'Why Not?'

Street Warrior
Semi-naked freaks of nature accompanied by neutered mutt less ferocious than disadvantaged earthworm is just the hard core image this street really needed.

Who Dares Wins II
Budget king Alternative Software did a splendid job of misleading everybody into believing 'their' version of Alligata's Commando had ninjas surreptitiously kill.
Of course, that was bullshit - rather like trio of tossers standing in front of building they wired to go boom, tic-tic-tic-titty boom!

X-Man
Along with Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em and the infamous Custer's Revenge, porn was rife on the Atari 2600.
Anyway, we have X-Man (note how font is suspiciously similar to a certain Marvel comic and how M is amusingly adapted into a crotch).
Scissors on legs, nervous crab and twizzler teeth are hell-bent on warning hormonal teenager contracting chlamydia is just a shag away.
Life's a whore and then you die.