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| Inseminoid Somewhere in the depths of space... Constipated extraterrestrial is failing miserably to scare female astronaut. Thank goodness nightmare isn't our reality. |
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| Bomber Bob In this shameless Bomb Jack clone, banana pants must defuse the Pentagon, outwit the evil Kleptov, thus saving the world from impending doom. What does 'B' stand for? Bomber or Bob? Who knows? And more importantly - who fucking cares? |
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| Shanghai Warriors Getting booted in the solar plexus always hurts, but living with the shame and ignomy of knowing you've being tagged by cardboard figure stiffer than a veteran porn star is enough to make anybody want to curl up and die. |
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| Oriental Hero Albino ninja exposing nipple, holding pointy stick aloft in triumph and clutching innocent serpent like grim death may appeal to weirdos, but leaves the rest of us feeling rather nauseous. |
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| Black Lamp Hey fat bastard. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Guess who ate all the pies? Yes, it was a rhetorical question. |
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| Prince Clumsy Muscular monster and blonde bimbo attempt to rip Prince Clumsy limb from limb for the right to violate knight in rusty armour. In these dark times, beggars can't be choosers I suppose. |
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| Sir Fred As schnozzle is bigger than most continents, was artist inspired by Gerald Scarfe's caricatures used in title sequences of Yes Minister and Yes, Prime Minister? More importantly, is cover art an accurate representation of sprite? To be generous, kinda. |
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| Zeus Is game called Hera? No. So why the fuck is hubby nowhere to be seen? Also, what's with S literally pointing out area above chesticles? |
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| Death Mask Terror through the eye of the... Wait a minute, is this a strange play on 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder?' I see claret trickling from left eye and right corner of mouth. Considering mask is apparently a 'death' sentence, piece of shit is doing a piss poor job of living up to its reputation. |
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| The Paranoia Complex So there I was minding my own business, and this crazy motherfucker appears from nowhere, forces some green shit into my veins, leaving me pissing diarrhoea through every orifice until I expire. Happy days. |
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| Gemstone Warrior Hands up if we feel sorry for cyclops getting strangled by heroic pensioner? Nobody? Fair enough. |
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| Major League Manager (Conversation plays out from left to right). Did you just shag our lass in the back? Yeah, so what? You lousy bastard, it was my turn to hit a home run. But it's alright for you to pound my old lady's drums? That's not the goddamn point. Anyway, fuck those bitches. Fancy getting alcohol poisoning in the bar? (Suddenly moans in extreme pain). What's up yer' fanny? Ugh, it's my arm. It's just been violently twisted. Ha ha ha! Good one. |
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| World Championship Boxing Manager If boxing minger can't bear to watch, how can Goliath Games expect anybody to take piece of shit further than shop shelf? Cue aggressive head scratching. |
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| Outback Kangaroo poachers? What a marvellous advert for Australia. Wait a minute, cork hats using balloons as transport? Even a flaming gallah wouldn't appreciate such logic. |
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| Buddy Bubble After guzzling diesel and confusing vodka for petrol, powers that be insisted on using infantile masterpiece to market their game. Sales figures were shall we say 'interesting'. |
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| Freak Factory Albert Einstein is seen as a genius. Now I see E=mc² in a whole different, and very demented light. |
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| Catch 'Em Not content with one perverted human, apes snorted identical halluciogen. Look at their eyes. Like fucking dinner plates Creature tucking into monkey brunch (how original) with exclamation mark curiously placed above head pretty much confirms nobody knows what the fuck's going on. |
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| Boxing How do you spice up something so incredibly drab? Add rainbow trails of course. |
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| Davy: King of the Wild Frontier, and his Quest to Save the Gal He Loves Desperate Dan knock-off isn't so Dandy. So I have a more appropriate title. Davy: King of the Crumpled Penis Nose, and the Tag of Forever Virgin. |
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| Embodiment of Evil Third in Coffin Joe trilogy had fingernails turn rapper who made ill-advised decision of selling soul to record label Burnt Down Bollocks. Shit didn't go according to plan, and black hat spent the rest of his days soiling pants and sucking meals through a straw. |
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| Killer Kong To whoever was responsible, thank you for genuinely making me cry with laughter. With such an impressive pair of tits, no wonder ape is wearing a grin more famous than the Mona Lisa. For the record, game itself was one of many Donkey Kong clones. |
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| Pac-Man In this bizarre iteration, Pac-Man is a buck-toothed scrawny freak, doomed to munching on plastic discs (or whatever the fuck they're supposed to be). Oh, you've got to admire Middle Ages setting too. WAKA WAKA WAKA! |
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| The Peace Keepers I'd rather wallow in the fires of pixel hell then share a world with this quartet of dickheads. |
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| Psycho Hopper Go on pal, hop like the bastard wind and don't stop until cliff precipice is breached. As t-shirt states 'Why Not?' |
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| Street Warrior Semi-naked freaks of nature accompanied by neutered mutt less ferocious than disadvantaged earthworm is just the hard core image this street really needed. |
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| Who Dares Wins II Budget king Alternative Software did a splendid job of misleading everybody into believing 'their' version of Alligata's Commando had ninjas surreptitiously kill. Of course, that was bullshit - rather like trio of tossers standing in front of building they wired to go boom, tic-tic-tic-titty boom! |
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| X-Man Along with Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em and the infamous Custer's Revenge, porn was rife on the Atari 2600. Anyway, we have X-Man (note how font is suspiciously similar to a certain Marvel comic and how M is amusingly adapted into a crotch). Scissors on legs, nervous crab and twizzler teeth are hell-bent on warning hormonal teenager contracting chlamydia is just a shag away. Life's a whore and then you die. |
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