Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Video game sleeve art comparison - Strike 4

Here's another commendable assortment of the well behaved, the naughty and the downright grotesque.

Only a chosen selection will feature as many formats selfishly refuse to change cover art.

Let's proceed before their asses throw a right hissy fit.

Hey pitcher, you are almost like that Mel Gibson film, The Man Without a Face.
There's not a lot you can do with baseball but this still has 'strike' written all over it. 
I didn't like what they did 'then' and I still don't like it 'now'.
Japanese SNES artwork always came vertical and the majority of which never deserved to be pushed off the tallest of cliffs.
Its American equivalent is surplus to requirements but designs can be infinitely worse.
The tagline is more dramatic than a Shakespearean love affair.
More to the point, do I like the artwork?  Well, not really.
Eugene Kettridge (Henry Czerny) says to Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) in the first big budget Mission: Impossible film "You want to shake hands with the devil, that's fine with me."
Yes, I think that's the nearest part quote you can associate with a game that's connected to anything and nothing.
Few could argue that the Lone Wolves never really came of age until their famous franchise became a Real Bout.  Let's look back on when cover art changed dramatically and like the first three games, brought a mixed bag of amusement...

This is acceptable but poor Andy, what the fuck did they to you?
Let me get this shit straight just in case I'm a bit fucked up but did they really believe that mentioning 'simultaneous two-player action' was a good marketing ploy as nobody told them that way before the evolution of man, the dinosaurs even knew about it.
Regardless of that, Joe, Andy and Terry are portrayed as a bunch of inept assholes.
Hey Tel, if you want your cap, get it your fucking self.
Rumour has it that Joe couldn't make it as he didn't want to be party to a Hurricane Upper of senseless bullshit.
Widescreen strips with less meat than a chicken nugget?  Most definitely.
It's an improvement but why is Mai more masculine than me?
This is actually a surprisingly decent effort with more coil than the average spring (rather like Joe's pair of pins).
Houston, we don't have a problem but this time, I question Kim's length of limb...
A super deformity always seems to work, no matter who or what's involved, which suggests a very accomplished style that's unlikely to go out of fashion.
The bilge is unrolled more regularly than wallpaper.
Until you saw this, I bet you all thought that Zangief was a famous Capcom creation?
Hold the motion.  Why the fuck does Bear now have BROWN hair?  If you have to check back for evidence, be my honoured guest.
Who's supposed to be the woman?  Joe vs Mai?  Joe wins.
I understand the transformation gesture but Tung Fu Rue has more goof than Eeyore. 
I've never wanted to slap Geese or Kim before but in this example, they deserve it, THEY REALLY FUCKING DO.
The final and a more decent example.
Terry has a bit more fight than his usual limp self and Mai, she feels like a woman (at last).
Before jogging on, I really do wish that Terry would make his bastard mind up about his cap. Fatal Fury or Neo Geo?  We all have to make difficult decisions in life and this is not one of them...

I am the Mega Man, I am plagued by the shoddy and shitty sacrilege.

Millions will know that as long as you don't judge a book by its cover, you'll do fine.

Things aren't going to get any better.  In fact, they're about to get a whole lot fucking worse.
Who or more appropriately, 'what' drew this?
It's almost as though the artist meant for the protagonist to display twisted agony and unparalleled discomfort.
Hey pal, just aim, and pull the fucking trigger you spineless wimp.
Hand me the blowtorch and pass a pair of pliers because a more practical use for such tools is stirring within, very strongly indeed.
This shit is so discourteous, it is happy to share the ignominy of not being able to shoot straight.  Although, that's the very least of its problems.
Fuck aiming to destroy in the traditional manner, go on my son, aim for the bollocks.  That goes some way to satisfying such mild-mannered perversity.
Well paint my canvas, I entertain with more punishment.

To be rare and fair, no immediate problems here, there or anywhere.
Hey, hey, hey.  Just in case you're more sober than a celibate judge, wrap your eyes around this sorry sack of shit and I'm sure reaching for a bottle of cheap rum isn't too far away.
Trust me my little furry friend, nothing compares to the embarrassment of starring alongside a ninja so stock, an oxo cube would sweat buckets.  Woof Woof?  How about shit shit?
Street Smart was a comparatively early SNK fighting experiment, and digitised graphics aside, Atari completely ripped the concept off with Pit Fighter.  Alpha Denshi Corporation's Aggressors of Dark Kombat, often abbreviated 'ADK' for an obvious pun on the company's initials, attempted to build on what went before.

Anyway, on with the show as although you may reach high, we are about to reach a new low.

The guy on the floor has some bad news.  Oh yeah, he's forced to feature and I can understand why throwing yourself through a window is a more practical alternative to suffering such bullshit.
What really twangs my tail is the artist wanted you to focus on the two losers who unfortunately dominate proceedings.  What the FUCK?
There's a handsome bucket outside that's about to feel the brunt of my nausea.
Not great or even good by any stretch, but at least I smell mediocrity.
Hey honey, don't flush the chain because I've found something even uglier than a turd...
Ho ho ho green giant and more Master System melancholy.
Taking a slice of chocolate gateau and covering it with tomato sauce was disgusting but now tastes delicious.
If you had to, what would you do?
Drink acid or hang this on your bedroom wall?
Fuck.  I hope your throat recovers quicker than it takes the Bullseye board to revolve.
I wish Bomb the Bass would drop a bomb, right on whoever's head...
Hmmm, at least this is capable of jumping through a hoop.
I have no idea what was smoked but hallucinating a demented 'fish' grinning unnerving optimism is surely worth dipping your toe into the fucked up pool.
This is unfortunately ruined not by arm and hammer, but arm and gun.
More 'Alien' inspiration and I suppose the lady in blue rides this appalling tsunami to induce incredible hatred and rage.
Although fairly chaotic, this fire provides a certain warmth.
Never mind about the horrors of war, this geezer is either pointing out that this is an arcade hit from Sega or there's a fucking helicopter.
I am not usually a vigilante but just for today, all that changes.

Oh yes old chap, I don't why but it is indeed amusing to be smacked in the chops by an asshole with an expression more graceless than a handicapped swan.
I deduce that lady pants was so embarrassed at the frequency of such spluttering, the gent (who happens to be carrying something sharp), kindly offered his hand to spice up catching another germ explosion.
Due to the enthusiasm and endeavour exuded by such rigidity, it's obligatory that a swift knee to the happy sack is about to connect.
Okay me hearties, don't follow me.  You bastards know I have earned the divine right for some beatdown action so take a number and get in line.
The last will blow greater any hurricane or whirlwind.

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