Saturday, 8 February 2014

I, Frankenstein - The scoop and digest

Last year, I described this as sounding ‘interesting’.

Based on the graphic novel from Kevin Grevioux, Stuart Beattie serves up action popcorn and inevitably resists the gothic nature of Mary Shelley’s classic novel.

Ignoring the monochrome, Kenneth Branagh’s vision with De Niro as the monster is probably the best example.

In film and game, we've had Tatsunoko vs Capcom, Freddy vs Jason, Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe, Marvel vs Capcom and Monsters vs Aliens.

Street Fighter X Tekken is a familiar brawl and released only in Japan, the far more obscure Namco X Capcom was a PS2 tactical/action RPG hybrid.

Robocop versus The Terminator was originally a comic and adapted for various formats.

So that's a delightful selection and now we have the unofficial crossover of Gargoyles quarreling with Demons.

How can you go wrong?

Plot details and/or spoilers will ascend from heaven and descend into hell.

Embracing the assault includes:

Aaron Eckhart – Adam/The Creature/The Monster etc
Bill Nighy – Naberius
Jai Courtney – Queen Gideon
Yvonne Strahovski – Terra Wade

In 1795, the monster narrates and tells of his subsequent rejection by creator Victor Frankenstein.

The lead currently has long scraggy hair...

After his master succumbs to the cruel weather, demons attack but gargoyles prove to be the thorn in their side.

Goodies and baddies parade as humans until they push the CG button.

They bring it to Queen Gideon, ruler of the Gargoyle Order, who names the monster Adam.

The gargoyles explain demons must be destroyed by using a weapon of sacrament such as crucifix or holy water.  Of course, the Gargoyle Order glyph, of whatever the fuck it is, also helps.

Dark Prince Naberius sent his cohorts to capture Adam as he serves a greater purpose.

Adam chooses not to get involved in their war and leaves.

200 years later, the poor lamb is a social outcast among the human population.

Remember his long scraggy hair?

Well shit whatever bed, he’s had a haircut.

I’m suddenly in stitches.

Naberius is disguised as billionaire playboy Wessex and scientist Terra Wade is hired to research how to reanimate the deceased.

He needs Victor’s journal in order to discover the secret of Adam’s creation so tens of thousands of corpses can be reanimated and possessed with demon souls.

After a brief kerfuffle, Terra goes on the run with Adam and listens as the monster lays the war between gargoyles and demons all down.

Considering the future of all mankind is at stake, she takes the news pretty well.

The journal changes hands, powder puff fights break out and Terra is kidnapped by Mr Wessex.

Terra activates the machine and the corpses stashed below the Institute hope to reach 100%.

It’s almost like Demolition Man as Phoenix attempts to defrost, thus reanimate a modest army of Cryocons.

Naberius transforms into a laughable monster and of course, the baddie has to have his bit of fun with Adam.

Before attempting to possess Adam, Naberius is sliced three times in the body.

No, surely not.  That’s impossible.  The monster now has a soul.

How convenient.  Ha ha.

Consequently, the exorcism proves fruitless and the Gargoyle Order mark is completed.

Boom!

After spurning his companions, Adam vows to continue the fight and issues the line I, Frankenstein.

Can I be perfectly blunt?  Thanks.

This was fucking abysmal and surely a candidate for one of the dullest action fantasies of 2014.

It’s so spectacularly terrible; the squalor which rots among depravity would cease smelling rancid.

Have you ever seen Blade?  Wait a minute, who hasn't?

Well, you should immediately associate demon descent with vampire demise because of how they combust upon destruction.

Is the whole thing supposed to be some kind of rip off?

Dredd fans with long memories may point out that Naberius pops his clogs in a similar manner to the climax of Costa Del Blood, where the ultimate law enforcer goes up against Dracula.

Yeah, this geezer has enough balls to take on anything.

Using his trusty Lawgiver, Dredd designs a crucifix on his body that doesn't go down at all well with the Prince of Darkness.

Just to make sure, a stake is plunged into his foul black heart as a little insurance policy.

Don’t worry; I’m not accusing this of anything because such a suggestion is far too outlandish.

True desperation extends to using the camera zoom that is always found in Resident Evil.

Don’t you just hate it when people still wrongly label the monster as Frankenstein?

The assholes who wrote this tedium thought it would be fun to have Bill Nighy refer to Adam as Frankenstein.

Not once, but what I remember, at least twice.

There are some expected Underworld nods but CG is amateurish, with Gideon looking more like a stoned cat.

Eckhart grunts and groans through this sham, demon speak and script is unintentionally juvenile and Nighy tarnishes a versatile career by making a rubbish villain.

Performances from those in support are so wooden, they could be used to build a fence.

Trust me; no self-respecting oven would entertain roasting this turkey.

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