Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Ouija - The scoop and digest

To clear up a common misconception, the name is pronounced 'wee-ja', not 'wee-gee'.  It comes from the French and German words for 'yes'.

Over the years, how many horrors have touched upon similar subject matter?

Put it this way - lots.

Witchboard became a franchise and although poorly executed, tattooing one's body in Necromentia was at least fairly original.

Adapted from a 2007 Filipino film of the same name, this is what UK cinemas had to offer on Halloween.

Here's hoping Stiles White's effort will be a triumph rather than tragedy.

Plot details and/or spoilers are sewn up.

Seeking answers from the dead include:

Olivia Cooke - Laine
Daren Kagasoff - Trevor
Bianca A. Santos - Isabelle
Douglas Smith - Pete
Shelley Hennig - Debbie
Lin Shaye - Paulina Zander

Debbie and Laine played with a Ouija board as kids, but years later, Debbie continues to experiment.

The experience leads her to hang about.

Devastated by her passing, Laine persuades those nearest and dearest to establish contact by holding a seance.

Believing it's just for teenage kicks, they agree.

Only Fools episode Sickness and Wealth saw Albert's love interest Elsie Patridge host a seance but a few years earlier, In Sickness & In Health got there first.

Did John Sullivan rip off Johnny Speight's idea?  Who knows?

"As friends we gathered, hearts are true; spirits near, we call to you."

Yes, there's no need to repeat the mantra more than once...

During which, fingers placed on planchette are forced and 'HI FRIEND' is spelled out.

The message follows and freaks the friends out which prompts the game to be replayed.

Did they make contact Debbie?

The board says No. [Cough].

Laine grabs the planchette and observes ghostly apparitions.

Through workmanlike investigation, DZ is Doris Zander - a girl placed in a nuthouse for murdering her mother.

In no particular order, Isabelle, Trevor and Pete are killed at various intervals by the evil that Debbie unwittingly awoke.

After visiting Paulina, she reveals that mother sewed Doris's mush up because spirits were using her as a conduit to communicate.

Locating crumpled corpse, Laine does as she's told and removes those stitches.

This apparently works as daughter's spirit overcomes mother.

Can we all go home now?  Not quite.

Mummy was actually trying to prevent Laine from releasing Doris's spirit.

Yeah, Paulina was a lying bitch.

Laine listens to grandmother as incinerating both board and body to eradicate connection seems like a splendid idea.

Doris attacks sisters Sarah and Laine but thanks to Deb's intervention, this manages to buy enough time so the ritual can be completed.

Arriving home, Laine finds the planchette in her room.

How can you sum this crock of shit up?  Errr...

Unspeakably bad?  Shockingly awful?  Waste of time and money?

Yes, yes and yes.

Disagree?  Then you're off your fucking tree.

It's one of those condemned to background noise if every channel was broken.

Can shocks and jump moments rescue a sunken ship?  Not really.

Bangs bore and predictability soars.

Eyes fill with milky regret and each death is happy to sustain consistent banality.

Lin Shaye will reprise her role in prequel Insidious: Chapter 3 and enjoys an easy payday.

Want my advice?  Great!

Use the Camera Obscura to exorcise spectral animosity in the Project Zero franchise.

Or, watch this and feel nothing - apart from emptiness.

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