Friday, 12 December 2014

The Pyramid - The scoop and digest

How in Giza was the Great Pyramid built?

Regardless of theory, nobody knows.

Clutching at canopic jars, I'd suggest those who somehow moved unfathomable weight didn't possess brutish strength, but just adopted construction techniques beyond scientific explanation.

Released by Fantasy Software in 1983, there was a Spectrum puzzle-cum-shmup bearing the same title, with the C64 game coming in 1984.

For reasons unknown, a dude in a submersible is tasked to find a way out of dodge.

An endless stream of bizarre enemy types are out to halt progress and in order to exit each screen, bombing a barrier by collecting colour-changing diamond is how one gets out.

Choice of exit determines your next 'chamber' and from apex, the only way is down.

Getting that off my retro chest...

Produced by Alexandre Aja and directed by collaborator Grégory Levasseur, a found footage horror of sorts endeavours to emulate all that came before.

Plot details and/or spoilers will be excavated.

Keeping things not under wraps include:

Ashley Hinshaw - Nora
Denis O'Hare - Holden
James Buckley - Fitzie
Christa Nicola - Sunni
Amir K - Michael Zahir

In 2013, a team of American archaeologists discover a lost pyramid buried in Cairo for x amount of years.

Along for the ride are experts father and daughter Holden and Nora, cameraman Fitzie (or Fitz), robotics geezer Michael and journalist Sunni.

Hi-tech robot Shorty takes a peek but 'something' shuts visuals down.

Once the gang are inside, bearings are soon lost.

After floor collapses, Sunni climbs a shaft but is attacked by an unknown creature.

They try to run, fail to hide, but do break on through to other side.

It turns out these animals are scrawny cat sphynxs and main monster is Anubis.

Michael is killed off screen, (presumably by the devourer of impure souls) while Sunni reacts badly to spikes.

The survivors find a burial chamber and ceiling reveals the star that shines brightest paves the way to freedom.

Holden's heart is taken and because beating organ fails to restore balance to the scales, yummy yummy for Anubis's tummy.

Fitzie and Nora ascend a ladder but our baddie is hot on their heels...

She gets a little tied up and Fitzie's face is crushed like an insect.

Releasing herself with a convenient cutting tool, cats climb on his back and attack.

Well open my sarchophagus, I remember something like that happening in Jurassic Park when the last Raptor foolishly tries its luck against the T-Rex...

Anubis puts a downer on Nora's escape and brings closure to a truly awesome experience.

Congratulations Mr Levasseur, your film has achieved the astonishing feat of being even worse than As Above, So Below.

Apart from a fairly well done three-sided and fictitious environment, hieroglyphs conclude there is nothing; truly less than nothing to recommend climbing this mountain of FUCKING misery.

The script is impossibly amateurish, CGI makes Mega Shark, Sharknado et al seem big budget and why does it take so bastard long for Anubis to rip Nora's heart out, as the same courtesy isn't extended to anybody else?

Inept cliche at its deplorable best.

Robbie Coltrane's sharp drinking, chain smoking, gambling washout Dr. Edward Fitzgerald in Jimmy McGovern's Cracker detests anything other than 'Fitz' and because the bearded Jay can have identical nickname and/or variation - a very strange coincidence exists.

Something I prefer to forget is Fitz was the American adaptation of Cracker.

Clunge seeking sex pest does his best, but ultimately gives a useless performance.  Denis O'Hare of American Horror Story and True Blood fame is disappointing and the others unfortunately take too long to die.

"Terrifying - you'll want your mummy."

Oh sorry, I'm just predicting what some asshole will state on cover art next year.

They say a worthless artefact may become priceless in the years to come but expecting this to follow suit is delusional optimism.

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