Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Poltergeist - The scoop and digest

Remaking/reimagining Tobe Hooper's timeless 1982 classic is something I craved more than a kick in the bollocks.

Let's hope Director Gil Kenan will make me choke on sagacious words.

Plot details and/or spoilers take refuge inside the closet.

Going beyond the light:

Sam Rockwell - Eric
Jared Harris - Carrigan Burke
Rosemarie DeWitt - Amy
Jane Adams - Dr. Powell
Kyle Catlett - Griffin
Saxon Sharbino - Kendra
Kennedi Clements - Madison

Despite financial inadequacies, the Bowens find enough dosh to buy a new pad but sister Madison and lil brother Griffin soon hear and witness strange activity.

He finds a box of clowns and Maddy's chitter chatter to nothing in particular doesn't go unnoticed.

Later... When the TV Turns to Static is when Griffin finds Maddy doing her thing in front of large screen plasma.

Guess what?

"They're here."

Eric and Amy go out on the piss and discover bricks and mortar was built on an old cemetery.  No biggie, as long as they remembered to move the bodies...

Meanwhile, tree taps on skylight and clown attacks Griffin.  Kendra is grabbed by a muddy corpse in the basement but what of Maddy?

As favourite teddy is drawn towards the closet, ghostly hands and faded fingers drag her into a seemingless endless void.

Sober mother and relaxed father return to find tree playing catch with son.

When shit calms down, Maddy's voice is heard beyond channel white noise and in desperation - they turn to The Paranormal Research Department.

Realising this is a not a harmless apparition, Dr. Powell enlists the help of Haunted House Clearance expert Carrigan Burke.

He concludes that Maddy has 'astral' capabilities and the dead see Maddy as their ticket out of purgatory.

How Insidious of them...

Will length of rope prove effective again? Yes.

Carrigan has Griffin navigate a drone inside the watery vortex but gadget is destroyed.

Aiming to right the wrong of leaving Maddy alone, Griffin explores.

Rope falls through the portal, followed by siblings soon after.

Kendra encourages Carrigan to say his line.  Oh go on, utter the magic words.

(Okay you whinging bitch). 'This house is clean'.

But wait, Maddy didn't lead them towards the light...

Let's get climax over with.

Car is tossed, Maddy resists the spectral vacuum and Carrigan apparently sacrifices himself to save the family.

In the aftermath of emergency vehicles magically appearing and family flooring it, Carrigan is picked up on GPS.

With new house offering spacious closet space and old tree, the Bowens leave finding this hilarious.

Err.  I'm glad they did.

To paraphrase a Jack Nicholson film, this is As Bad As It Gets.

I've sucked disappointment through my last bastard straw.

Did one expect anything less?

No.  I must be some kind of fucking masochist.

To churn out such a despicable piece of shit (even with Sam Raimi involved), Hollywood are obviously desperate.

Let's dissect horrendous celluloid.

Sam Rockwell is a good actor and scores with occasional dry sarcasm, but as for the rest...

Although not a straight remake, way too much has been rehashed - and not in a good way.

Clown 'was' the advertising campaign, but application is crude and representation lamentable.

Etc etc etc...

There's slight innovation amongst banality, but amateur jump scares and run of the mill CGI debilitates.

What's particularly bizarre is the whole thing is apparently one big merry jape.

Even a frightened squirrel would be psychologically scarred for life.

Pretending this is standalone, I've seen worse.

Then again, that's like saying taking a bite from shit smothered toast was scrummy.

What could they fuck up next?

Ssshhh!  Let's not give them any ideas...

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