Nukes and Knives™: December 2016

Thursday 22 December 2016

Video games. Funny how? Volume 1

From appalling dialogue to eccentric imagery, take a butchers at how pixels can be amusingly ridiculous.

Contra III: The Alien Wars (SNES, North America)
"Let's attack aggressively."
Is that the best they could come up with?
I bet Jagger Froid and his army of hostile alien cronies are absolutely shitting themselves.

Best of Best (Arcade)
Shalin is unmanly!!
A video game basically calling its own character a butch bitch?
Imagine if Chun-Li gave the following victory quote?
"I'm the ugliest slag bag in the world."
Now that would be pretty special.

Bram Stoker's Dracula (SNES and Mega Drive)
Why is this iteration of Gary Oldman fifty feet tall?

Disregarding the depressing plot of 1988 arcade sequel Double Dragon II: The Revenge, ending screen is both sad and amusingly perverse.

Check it out.

The eagle-eyed will note 20.7.88 and significance of date remains a mystery

But what is Billy staring at?

Yep, Marian's tits.

Dragon Might (Arcade)
Upon retirement, must pig out on nothing but giant legs of meat and get pissed (all day), and forget to train. We all have to depart some time, and Suiko is going out with a bang.

George Foreman's KO Boxing (SNES)
Look at what they've done to me.
I'm a pathetic, crumpled, miserable lump of shit.
What's more humiliating is that it's my fucking game.

Gun.Smoke (Arcade)
Thanks to Billy's efforts, town is Happy! Happy! Very Happy!
What a shame bandits didn't return and disrupt peace, as town would surely be
Fucked! Fucked! Very Fucked!

Mug Smashers (Arcade)
Never mind baddie kidnapping woman cliché, 'Mad Dog wants to murder her' is what tickles my funny bone.

X-Out (C64)
For defeating evil aliens, I've earned the right to lean back and have a good 12 year old whiskey. Holy shit, I better knock bottle back like there's no tomorrow, before mankind is free to destroy itself, once again.

XMultiply (Arcade)
If anybody can make heads or tails of such nonsensical bullshit, I shall plague you forever.

True Lies (Mega Drive)
You've heard of American sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, right?
Well here's the spin-off - Everybody Loves String.
Ignoring portables, said version is practically identical to SNES counterpart, but instead we meander by Earl's House of Twine.

This just cracks me up.

Aero Fighters 2 (SNES)
Couldn't we all mate.
A lube job? The rusty equivalent of a blow job?
HA HA HA HA HA!

Parodius Da! (Arcade)
I don't have to say what it looks like...
Although animated to disguise guilt, this remains one of the most sexually explicit images in video game history.
Done on purpose? Doubt it.

Cadillacs & Dinosaurs (Arcade)

Here's wicked bastard Butcher getting stuck in to a poor Stegosaurus.

Words are exchanged between whichever player and boss, and then... FUCK YOU!!!
Best 'censored' comeback ever.

Crime Fighters (Arcade)

"Sorry for keeping you waiting, girls. Do you mind being kidnapped again... by me?"
Hmmm, the inference being he's about to shag one, two, err... fifteen girls.
Lucky bastard. Hope yer' dick falls off.

Are you covered?
Is DownTown Insurance fucking kidding me?
In 1989, Konami had a helluva sense of humour.

Megaman Legends (PS1)

Adult literature catches our hero's eye.

Wait a minute, Mega fucking man is considering looking at porn?

Oh my GOD!

Aggressive screams from Sasquatch (Darkstalkers 3).

Fungaaaaahhh and Uwahahahahahahaha should drown out the missus when she's going off on one.

Yeah right...

Dungeons & Dragons: Tower of Doom (Arcade)

Deimos reacts angrily to defeat at the hands of whelps.
What a pussy.

1996 sequel Shadow Over Mystara takes control.

Yeah, yeah. Get to the point.

Did I just read that right?
"He'll ride up to me on a white house", etc etc
Since when did houses (of any colour) have legs?
Ooooh, they meant 'horse'.

After this guy dismounts his house, he'll kiss me and... what's the matter?
Am I boring you?
Well yes as a 'master' of fact, you are.

Dark Warrior attacks with a huge dildo.
Thwacked by a sex toy? Not a pleasant way to go.

Dead Connection (Arcade)
"We set fire to the warehouse and left it burning."
Well yeah, that's the general idea.
How fantastically dumb.

Shadow Warriors (Arcade)

Ninjas are masters of infiltration, stealth, assassination and sabotage.

This one:

Reads the daily rag on a train.

Tries his luck at roulette.

Climbs down a rope while giving the thumbs up to a pair of window cleaners.

Unbelievable!

All the best for Christmas and see you next year.

Saturday 17 December 2016

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - The scoop and digest

Set just before A New Hope and 5 years after animated series Rebels, the first in the Anthology series reveals how the Rebels got their grubby mitts on plans for the Death Star.

As per The Force Awakens, I was really pumped for this, so another date with midnight was inevitable.

Gareth 'Godzilla' Edwards knows failure is not an option.

Diego Luna - Cassian
Felicity Jones - Jyn Erso
Ben Mendolsohn - Orson Krennic
Forest Whitaker - Saw Gerrera
Donnie Yen - Chirrut Îmwe
Mads Mikkelsen - Galen Erso
Alan Tudyk - K-2SO
Wen Jiang - Baze Malbus

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....

(Camera pans up).

Yeah, not down.

Please don't expect account to be dead-on-balls accurate, but memory will do its best.

Pissed at Death Star's designer Galen defecting, Empire's Director Krennic pays family a visit on boggy planet Lah'mu.

Jyn finds a nice secluded spot to hide and is soon found by Saw Gerrara (making his live action debut from The Clone Wars).

Some time later, a now adult Jyn is imprisoned on desert-esque Jedha for crimes against the Empire.

Compatriot Cassian gives her early parole and so begins their epic journey.

They planet hop across the galaxy and along with reprogrammed sarcastic Imperial droid K-2SO, a mixture of personalities follow, including blind Force rookie monk Chirrut Îmwe and gun-toting Baze Malbas.

If ears are tuned in, you'll hear said monk is referred to as the Guardian of the Whills, reffing one of George Lucas' several titles for original screenplay 'Journal of the Whills'.

Gerrera plays a holographic recording of Galen informing Jyn of Death Star's location on planet Scarif. As he was forced by the Empire to help build their ultimate weapon, he made sure reactor contained a flaw which if hit, will cause space station to go boom.

(Thanks for clearing that up).

Krennic orders Jedha's destruction and Death Star duly obliges, but the rebels escape and make haste to Euda (apologies if spelling isn't correct), where Galen awaits.

Hot on their heels is Krennic, whose trigger happy stormtroopers execute engineers, with Galen dying in the process.

Shit hits the fan on tropical paradise and everybody's invited, including AT-AT and AT-ST.

Trust me - third act is fantastic.

'Stardust' file (named after his daughter), is found within Citadel tower and force shield is broken by persistent rebel assault.

Prior to credits rolling, 'Hope' is successfully delivered to Leia on her spaceship.

Falling short of greatness

Although fully deserving bucket loads of praise, this was far from perfect.

More later.

Environments are genuinely beautiful, action is spectacular, special effects astound and costumes drip nostalgia.

Michael Giacchino only had a month to compose score and result is pretty good.

Snippets of John Williams' themes can be heard throughout and the great man's composition is appropriately used for ending theme.

Darth Vader deflecting blaster shots with lightsaber and throwing Rebels about like rag dolls is fucking awesome.

References

Fan service demands C-3PO and R2 are seen on Yavin IV.

K-2SO has his own R2 moment when hacking into a computer and interrupted when commenting 'I have a very bad feeling...'

I'm sure Jabba's chief of staff Bib Fortuna features.

Kyber crystals power The Clone Wars (and lightsabers).

In the opening sequence when Krennic's cronies are searching for Jyn, they find a stormtrooper doll.

We presume gift was given years before father fell out with the Empire.

Most controversial of all:

Vader awakes from bacta tank and spares Krennic's life issuing the line 'Don't choke on your own aspirations Director'.

This is IDENTICAL in principle to A New Hope, when Motti quickly regrets taunting 'sorcerer' about a certain ancient religion.

Multiple problems

I did like this, but what you're about to read suggests otherwise.

Ha ha ha!

Belated title logo states 'Rogue One', so why market this with unnecessary subtitle?

Visiting so many planets (stated on-screen for the first time) seems pointless, especially since only a select few are explored.

Don't forget, this film was extensively re-shot.

Of course it's not martial arts legend Donnie Yen's fault, but repeating the prayer 'I am one with the Force, the Force is with me' is very, VERY irritating.

'Rescuing' clichés are set to overkill, acting is clunky, lacklustre script malfunctions, but worst of all is undoubtedly characterisation.

Sure they all part company, but here's an idea - why not have us give a shit while they're alive?

Forest Whitaker is a great actor, but OH MY GOD, performance is absolutely terrible.

Ben Mendolsohn is OTT and kinda fun as a 'fake' baddie, but primarily squabbles with 'Grand Moff' Tarkin.

Which brings me to another complaint.

Ever since the Galaxy advert resurrected Audrey Hepburn, CG holds no boundaries.

In contrast, a digital Peter Cushing looks weird and Carrie Fisher 'young' is hardly believable.

Oh, Guy Henry and Ingvild Deila were hired as body doubles.

And...

Thanks to Disney, extended universe is no longer canon.

But some may not realise is that idea of stealing Death Star plans is old news.

In fact, it's been done not once, but TWICE before.

In 2006 PSP/DS entry Lethal Alliance, Twi'lek mercenary Rianna Saren rescues security droid Zeeo, and Death Star's blueprints are eventually acquired from Zabrek slaver Zarien Kheev.

But the first to play out plot was 1995 DOS classic Star Wars: Dark Forces.

So apart from swapping jaded merc for jaded spy and altering names (Jyn Erso instead of Jan Ors), Death Troopers look cool in black, right?

Guess what colour Dark Troopers from aforementioned game were?

God, it makes me fucking sick.