Thursday, 22 December 2016

Video games. Funny how? Volume 1

From appalling dialogue to eccentric imagery, take a butchers at how pixels can be amusingly ridiculous.

Contra III: The Alien Wars (SNES, North America)
"Let's attack aggressively."
Is that the best they could come up with?
I bet Jagger Froid and his army of hostile alien cronies are absolutely shitting themselves.
Best of Best (Arcade)
Shalin is unmanly!!

A video game basically calling its own character a butch bitch?
Imagine if Chun-Li gave the following victory quote?
"I'm the ugliest slag bag in the world."
Now that would be pretty special.
Bram Stoker's Dracula (SNES and Mega Drive)
Why is this iteration of Gary Oldman fifty feet tall?
Disregarding the depressing plot of 1988 arcade sequel Double Dragon II: The Revenge, ending screen is both sad and amusingly perverse.

Check it out.

The eagle-eyed will note 20.7.88 and significance of date remains a mystery

But what is Billy staring at?

Yep, Marian's tits.

Dragon Might (Arcade)
Upon retirement, m
ust pig out on nothing but giant legs of meat and get pissed (all day), and forget to train.  We all have to depart some time, and Suiko is going out with a bang.
George Foreman's KO Boxing (SNES)
Look at what they've done to me.

I'm a pathetic, crumpled, miserable lump of shit.
What's more humiliating is that it's my fucking game.
Gun.Smoke (Arcade)
Thanks to Billy's efforts, town is Happy! Happy! Very Happy!
What a shame bandits didn't return and disrupt peace, as town would surely be

Fucked! Fucked! Very Fucked!
Mug Smashers (Arcade)
Never mind baddie kidnapping woman cliché, 'Mad Dog wants to murder her' is what tickles my funny bone.
X-Out (C64)
For defeating evil aliens, I've earned the right to lean back and have a good 12 year old whiskey.  
Holy shit, I better knock bottle back like there's no tomorrow, before mankind is free to destroy itself, once again.
XMultiply (Arcade)
If anybody can make heads or tails of such nonsensical bullshit, I shall plague you forever.
True Lies (Mega Drive)
You've heard of American sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, right?
Well here's the spin-off - Everybody Loves String.
Ignoring portables, said version is practically identical to SNES counterpart, but instead we meander by Earl's House of Twine.
This just cracks me up.

Aero Fighters 2 (SNES)
Couldn't we all mate.
A lube job? The rusty equivalent of a blow job?
Parodius Da! (Arcade)
I don't have to say what it looks like...

Although animated to disguise guilt, this remains one of the most sexually explicit images in video game history.
Done on purpose? Doubt it.
Cadillacs & Dinosaurs (Arcade)

Here's wicked bastard Butcher getting stuck in to a poor Stegosaurus.
Words are exchanged between whichever player and boss, and then... FUCK YOU!!!
Best 'censored' comeback ever.
Crime Fighters (Arcade)

"Sorry for keeping you waiting, girls.  Do you mind being kidnapped again... by me?"
Hmmm, the inference being he's about to shag one, two, err... fifteen girls.
Lucky bastard.  Hope yer' dick falls off.
Are you covered?
Is DownTown Insurance fucking kidding me?
In 1989, Konami had a helluva sense of humour.  
Megaman Legends (PS1)

Adult literature catches our hero's eye.
Wait a minute, Mega fucking man is considering looking at porn?
Oh my GOD!

Aggressive screams from Sasquatch (Darkstalkers 3).

Fungaaaaahhh and Uwahahahahahahaha should drown out the missus when she's going off on one.

Yeah right...

Dungeons & Dragons: Tower of Doom (Arcade)

Deimos reacts angrily to defeat at the hands of whelps.
What a pussy.
1996 sequel Shadow Over Mystara takes control.

Yeah, yeah.  Get to the point.
Did I just read that right?
"He'll ride up to me on a white house", etc etc
Since when did houses (of any colour) have legs?
Ooooh, they meant 'horse'.
After this guy dismounts his house, he'll kiss me and... what's the matter?
Am I boring you?
Well yes as a 'master' of fact, you are.
Dark Warrior attacks with a huge dildo.
Thwacked by a sex toy? Not a pleasant way to go.
Dead Connection (Arcade)
"We set fire to the warehouse and left it burning."
Well yeah, that's the general idea.

How fantastically dumb.
Shadow Warriors (Arcade)

Ninjas are masters of infiltration, stealth, assassination and sabotage.

This one:

Reads the daily rag on a train.
Tries his luck at roulette.
Climbs down a rope while giving the thumbs up to a pair of window cleaners.

All the best for Christmas and see you next year.

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