Thursday 13 September 2018

The Nun - The scoop and digest

Providing translation is employed, two other films bearing same name were released in 2005 and 2013.

Fifth instalment is set before Annabelle: Creation, so chronologically the first in universe.

Taissa Farmiga - Sister Irene
Demián Bichir - Father Burke
Jonas Bloquet - Frenchie

Summary

In 1952, the powers that be at the Vatican send a problem-solving priest and novice nun to Romania to investigate the death of a nun.

After meeting a guy called Frenchie, an 'unholy' presence is discovered at the Abbey of St Cârta.

Nun too pleased

Exceptionally dull, appallingly written and devoid of narrative, Corin Hardy's Conjuring 2 spin-off wasn't just bad, but really BAD.

I've never visited Romania, but I'm certain country has more colours than brown, blue, black and grey.

A shitload of pathetic 'loud scares' show no disguise and can be seen coming, well, before scene has actually begun.

Also, demon's agenda of basically 'pranking' those involved makes absolutely no sense.

Attention filmmakers.

For the last fucking time, inverted crucifixes are a symbol of humility, NOT evil.

In Catholic tradition, it is believed that St. Peter requested to be crucified upside down, as Apostle didn't consider himself worthy enough to die in the same manner as Jesus.

Every time annoying comic relief character Frenchie delivers an embarrassing joke, there's an awkward pause, as if saying 'audience - this is your cue to laugh'.

Valak calls him a failure and a 'Frenchman'.

Great insults there.

'I'm French-Canadian', is his response.

(Pulls face).

Strangest of all...

Burke recovers the blood of Christ and Frenchie exclaims 'Holy shit!'.

Father replies 'The holiest'.

So red stuff is 'shit' of the 'holiest' kind?

I have no fucking idea.

Rip offs

Valak has always smacked of Nosferatu, but now, it's even worse.

Anybody who's seen trailer will already know Valak's demonic cohort 'unexpectedly' appearing copies that jump scare from The Exorcist III.

Only a geek could clock this one.

(Ahem).

Frenchie stumbles across a room full of inanimate hooded types which begin to twitch when he gets close.

In Christophe Gan's adaptation of Konami's Silent Hill, Rose must safely negotiate passage through a crowd of bobble-headed nurses, who also...

Yeah.

Goof

After revealing Valak partially possessed Frenchie, we jump '20 years later' to The Conjuring.

At one of the Warrens' lectures, footage is edited so Blouquet replaces original actor during exorcism scene, adding new dialogue to confirm his identity.

So according to on-screen text, James Wan's smash hit took place in 1972, right?

Not really, as ghost of suspected witch Bathsheba Sherman supposedly terrorised the Perron family in 1971.

How did they fuck up something so simple?

(Laughs).

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