Tuesday 13 August 2024

Borderlands - The scoop and digest

Based on Gearbox Software's hugely popular video game series, Eli Roth directs, provides the screen story and co-writes screenplay with Joe Crombie.

Cate Blanchett - Lilith
Kevin Hart - Roland
Jack Black - Claptrap
Edgar Ramírez - Deukalin Atlas
Ariana Greenblatt - Tiny Tina
Florian Munteanu - Krieg
Gina Gershon - Mad Moxxi
Jamie Lee Curtis - Tannis
Commander Knoxx - Janina Gavankar

Summary

Long ago, the galaxy was ruled by the Eridians, whose power and technology were beyond human comprehension.

While the scraps alien race left behind became the foundation for human advancement, their biggest secrets are hidden inside a Vault on planet Pandora, where corporations, criminals and treasure seekers fought each other to gain access.

50 light-years away on Promethea, Atlas hires bounty hunter Lilith to rescue his daughter Tina, who was apparently kidnapped by mercenary soldier Roland and 'Psycho' Krieg on Pandora.

Once there, chatty robot Claptrap tags along.

After Lilith realises that Atlas wants Tina back for nefarious means, she teams up with Roland and Krieg.

Atlas's private army the Crimson Lance appear and attack group of misfits.

The race is on to open the Vault.

Piss Wash Gully

12A certificate was an immediate red flag and automatically removed any chance of gory violence and severed limbs.

But that's only the beginning of why this piece of shit can go fuck itself.  I'm talking Uwe Boll territory, something I thought impossible.

Sure the costumes are visually appealing, but that's the only positive.

Irritating characters share zero chemistry, generic action is stunningly boring and rubbish dialogue never once made me smile, let alone chuckle.

Trust me, Jack Black's line delivery is abysmal.

The casting of Leon and Jill in Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City was stupid, but Lilith and Tannis being considerably older than their cell-shaded counterparts is just mind-bogglingly bizarre.

Also, one of the first things Lilith says is that she's 'too old for this shit'.

Jesus Christ man.

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