Saturday, 17 November 2012

Bad cover art - Take 2

Err, yeah!  Well it's certainly not a drawing, even in the broadest sense.  Am I being extremely generous by suggesting it was 'drew' by something other than a pre-putrescent, yeah not pre-pubescent.  Did they really think that this piece of shit is actually going to make you want to part cash or just encourage people to find a handy length of rope to swing from?  Assholes!
Well it's just getting better, better and fucking better isn't it?  Is this the same Bug-Byte who slapped their love spuds on the seminal Matthew Smith classic Manic Miner, Birds and the Bees and text adventure monster Twin Kingdom Valley?  Hmmm, apparently so.  Could the designer have used less imagination?  The pistol farting just about sums it up of how deeply sad and worthless this piece of anal evacuation truly is.
This is what we need - a perverted native displaying bigger moobs than Lucy Pinder salivating over the prospect of having a particularly unattractive and embarrassed hottie for brekkie, brunch or for whatever 'who in the fuck knows' type of sick and depraved occasion.  Why has our friend Um Weirdo being given a traffic light for a barnet?  I give no reasons that could hope to decipher such a shit sandwich. 
Mountie Mick's Deathride - ha ha.  What kind of toxicity is this apart from the worst smelling kind?  Take that "You Varmint!"  I think the guy at the receiving end of this insult got this cover about right. 
How about preceding 'im' to the title in regards to the artist's state of reality and peversity?
I'd expect any sane woman to give chase to some thieving bastard with a lumberjack's tool.  Martha is her name and mad is her game.  Is that a roulette wheel and if so, is it literally shitting cash?  Well that would make a fucking change.
Nothing particularly standing on the shoulder of giants here but you've got to admit, that Gizmo wannabe is displaying more gum than Seabiscuit.
Could this be any worse or any more depressing to the consumer?  I just hope that the copper tasting liquid belongs to that of the designer. 
Just who the fuck invited a discoloured Devil Kazuya?
Is that a coconut or some other substance?  I really feel that faeces has more style.  Apart from the stereotypical hunter, I really don't know what the artist hoped to achieve. 
Look boys and girls - it's Tron, err with a beard and crown.
I really wish she wasn't.  Her hypnotic smile and unnerving glare cannot fail to seduce right? 
The game's content has more issues than the box front, believe me.
Hmmm, is this some kind of macabre setting or an incomprehensible failure?  Draw lots for your own conclusions.
I feel like this every time I attend employment.  The only thing missing is his noose but don't despair pal, acquire a decent length and I can tie a wicked knot.
These poor bastards look even more depressed than somebody having the misfortune of playing 3D fucking Pool.  It's just brilliant the way that the title or art gives no clue as to which type of balls you can actually expect.  Pool or snooker this is not.  Robots hint at futurism but not for this steaming pile.  Heck, the Runs, Piles or Hemorrhoids couldn't make this cover art feel better  
Why is the Aztec dude look so eerily cheerful and almost turned on by presumably the prospect of battering a fleeing female into submission, or... the mind boggles and baffles.
Is this the only video game to feature a Kangaroo as a central protagonist?  To infinity and beyond for this realistic and tubby marsupial.  Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies?  You fat bastard, you fat bastard!
Sticks of death?  More like the posture of death.  The most violent karate game ever would really go down well with the BBFC.
It appears she climbed the ugly tree, fell and hit every branch on the way down.  Oh, she took a branch as a memento. 
Master System art was up there with the worst and most were so appalling, it's impossible not to smile.  Take this wonderful example as I enthusiastically applaud its sheer quality and ha ha ha, the way it attempts to be anything other than cheesy.
With this art, maybe they should have renamed the game Loony Leper, or is that the artist?
I'm not quite sure what to make of this.  It's some kind of 100 foot tall green cuboid with tentacles and superb eyebrows.  Can you expect to fight such a creature in the game?  Err, leave it with yer'.
Why is a woman with an embarrassing look of horror surrounded by a macho sailor type with a gun?  Oops, nearly forgot - why the fuck is the skull displaying totally unconvincing red eyes?  Please be aware, this was alternative sleeve art to Rick Dangerous who was fairly famously based on Indiana Jones so holy shit - what gives?
Ho ho ho!  A tomato headed 'devil'?  Is this the best they could come up with?  While I cannot begin to imagine how long this lump of shit took to conceive, I think most would agree that it was minutes rather than hours...
I see where they were going with this one, straight to fucking Broadmoor.
Why didn't they just go the whole hog and have these feebly drawn big breasted beauties topless?  I mean c'mon, those boobs are virtually out anyway.  As for Mr Weems, he looks unmoved and rather fed up.  Look out, the boobs are behind you...  Appropriately appalling.
This is what 8 bit sleeve art used to be like.  Hire an attractive female with an equally hot bod to fool all kids into thinking the game would be almost as fit as the amazon.  For the record, this game was aka Vixen and was absolutely unashamedly fucking awful.  Excuse me Miss, can I remove your bra?
Look at his anger and unnatural frustration which equals insanity personified.  Yeah, use hammers instead of sticks and beat those bastard drums.  Beat 'em baby, beat 'em until it hurts.
This is just priceless.  Aaargh! Sleeve Art.  Look at her knight in shining armour - a Robin Hood weakling with a spear which presumably would be put to better use sticking it right where the sun don't shine.  The boast of Fast 100% Machine Code (whatever the fuck that means) cannot save this scrawl from being cast down to the flames of flatulence.
The composer stands proudly upon a cracked symbol and conducts a situation surrounded by floating mouths and intimidating drums.  The drawing isn't even consistent as one pair of lips is literally toothless.  
The guy climbing over a wall has a look of 'what the fuck am I doing in such a shower?'  Do you know what mate, I'm afraid it's because it was forced on you.  Look at the dude's expression in the background who looks in extreme pain on a log.  What is he doing?  I know, he sat uncomfortably and he and his bollocks are paying for it. 
I am really struggling here.  How can anybody with a straight face actually agree with this tagline?  All hell has broken loose?  More like all shit has broken loose.  Each head looks more embarrassed than the other and why is it in space?  If this is what the mythological Cerberus really looked like, I don't think we are in too much danger.
What imagination they had back in the 80s, in Square Shaped Trouble we see a terrible hunter with legs scrawnier than a flamingo leaning on a shovel after he dug holes for reasons unknown.  
Roll up, roll up let's do a dance, dance baby dance, dance to the shit.  Is that Pac Man in the sky?  Yeah, it really is.  As Quint would say, Jesus H Christ.
They say that the Dutch invented total football.  Whichever total asshole designed this needs total torture.
Ey up it's Del Boy taking a break from the market.  I really can't putt up with this art much longer.
What's worse?  The previous Master System art or this?  It's too close to call.
Dreaming a dream, I dream that this dream really isn't a dream, it's fucking really real.  I cringe as to what the Robin equivalent would be like.  Nope, I just don't want to.
The game's an undeniable classic but this art smells worse than an out of order stomach.  Maybe that 'thing' at the door can't wait to literally dive in as that toilet bowl obviously couldn't taste any sweeter.

Take 2 concludes but other nightmares will follow.

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