Like
a James Cameron, John Carpenter, Steven Spielberg or any other great director, Guillermo del Toro rarely pollutes the film industry with a rocket that fails to launch.
However,
expectation brings its own pressures and if the promise of a blockbuster folds
meekly like a serviette, the disappointment may be greater than a Catherine
Wheel refusing to spin.
Will
a catastrophic calamity be brought or the deafening sound of mechanical magnificence?
Plot
details and/or spoilers will rise from the depths of the drink.
Components
of apocalyptic anarchy include:
Charlie
Hunnam – Raleigh
Idris
Elba – Marshall Pentecost
Rinko
Kikuchi – Mako Mori
Charlie
Day – Newton
Burn
Gorman – Gottlieb
Ron
Perlman – Hannibal
Robert
Kazinsky - Chuck
Arising
from some kind of portal on the Pacific floor, the Kaiju are aliens of unusual
size who cannot help but leave a trail of destruction in their wake and the
extinction of humanity seems inevitable.
However,
to counter the relentless and monstrous hurricane that refuses to blow itself
out, megabots called Jaegers prove to be the fly in their ointment.
“In
order to fight monsters, we created monsters of our own.”
Batteries
are not included so these super mechs require dual pilots to take the fight to
ugly inconvenience.
The
concept of ‘drift’ compatibility is essential and is described as a neural bond
between both participants.
As a connection is made, emotions and memories must be embraced which; good or bad, pleasant or nasty, lumping it is the
only option. It not only involves being
physically linked, but also dictates fighting performance.
The
war is already in full swing and we see the party pooped for the Kaiju as the
corpses of some demonstrate.
To
quickly explain, the size and might of Kaijus are measured by Category.
We
are introduced almost immediately to the Becket brothers consisting of Raleigh
and Yancy. At daft o’clock in the
morning, they are alerted to a Kaiju attack at sea and so begins the action as we
enter the Jaeger and attack the first intergalactic menace.
The
battle is won but Yancy will play no further part…
On
a beach some miles away from the mayhem, the badly damaged Jaeger struggles to
shore and collapses. Raleigh
Five
years later...
As
the Jaegers have grown predictable, those pesky aliens have got wise and these
war machines have been retired by global leaders. Instead, they resort to building Coastal
Walls as apparently as a more effective line of defence.
Predictably,
freezing chocolate in a lit oven proves more fruitful as this ‘impenetrable’ structure
is broken down in Sydney. Marshall
Pentecost responds by re-deploying the remaining Jaegers to Hong
Kong and plans to nuke the Kaijus entrance, later revealed as the
Breach.
The
surviving Becket brother is found by Marsh and asked to pilot Gipsy Danger.
He
accompanies Marsh to Hong Kong who informs Raleigh
For
those shits and chuckles, here’s the robot resistance in full, hailing from...
Striker
Eureka – Australia
Kaiju
Crush – New Zealand
Coyote
Tango – Japan
Chuck
– USA
Cherno
Alpha – Russia
Gipsy
Danger – USA
Crimson
Typhoon - China
So
if this was the Grand National, who’s your favourite horse?
Personally,
I’d back Crimson Typhoon to storm home and squeak a few quid each way on Kaiju
Crush.
Scurrying
back to it, Pentecost’s research team consists of Kaiju geek Newton Raleigh
He
feels the connection and wants her as his new co-pilot.
Candidate
training takes place via stick fighting and the chemistry oozes between he and
Mori. Shortly after, the dream team is born.
It’s
dreadful and pompous but another film that immediately springs to my mind also
featuring a stick fight is Rambo III.
During
a Gipsy Danger trial run, Mori’s memories cause her to go ape shit as we learn
that a Kaiju attack orphaned her.
Here
or thereabouts, Newton
He
concludes what they’ve fought before are clones.
Things
take a turn for the worse as alien attacks take out multiple Jaegers and in the
same breath; a bot is disabled by an electrical nuke.
You
see, all Jaegers are digital apart from the apparently obsolete Gipsy as that
old war horse is analogue, a walking nuclear reactor and the ace up their ass.
Raleigh
and Mako are sent to mount a last ditch attack on the source of entry…
After
a chat with Pentecost, Newt tracks down Kaiju black market dude Hannibal Chau
to acquire more alien grey matter and try the same smeg twice.
As
Gipsy kills more Kaijus, this brings a harvesting opportunity and when Newt
hears the suspicious sound of a heartbeat from a corpse, its offspring is born.
The
umbilical cord is still wrapped around its throat and although dying shortly
after, it manages to gulp down Chau.
The
not so dynamic duo of Newt and Gottlieb perform another handshake and inform that
to penetrate the portal, you have to fool the Kaiju with one of their own.
We
head for the explosive climax and together with Gipsy; Pentecost sacrifices
himself and detonates Striker to clear a path.
Unlike
D-Fens, he’s not going home…
Here
we observe a Category 5 Kaiju, the first of its kind.
Guess
what? After a biff, a boff and a slice,
the danger is overcome and clutching the body, they’re going in.
Oxygen
is not at a premium and realising this, he ejects Mako to relative safety. The Jagerbomb is set to go bang in 60 seconds so it’s
time to skidaddle, as we observe helpless Kaiju infants looking on.
The
very brief build up and the explosion itself smacks of Capcom’s Resident Evil 2
when Birkin goes like an absolute bomb on the train during the ‘true’ ending in
Leon B and/or Claire B.
Of
course it’s a different setting but the principle remains.
Mako
emerges from her escape pod and awaits Raleigh who obviously appears shortly
after.
Love
lingers in the air as rescue choppers conveniently arrive…
If
you stayed, you’ll know that Chau was not properly digested and proceeds to search
for his missing shoe.
This
promised much and man, it delivers with oodles, kaboodles and bucketloads.
Luther
is an authoritative figure and even Robert ‘Sean Slater’ Kazinsky is watchable. How he scored a role in a film such as this
begs belief.
Kikuchi
is a spunky little soul and warrants a suitable sidekick for British thespian
Hunnam and importantly, slushy romance is sensibly resisted.
Hellboy
is fairly expendable but I suppose his char is necessary and the scientist
types are a refreshing change as they’re actually quite fun.
Sod
all that though, it’s all about the visuals and it excels with remarkable
gusto.
I’d
say Transformers without the transforming, fused with Godzilla swinging
golden balls.
This
action extravaganza will simply blow your mind and your jaw will spend a
considerable amount of time trailing on the floor.
Jaegers
are wonderful creations brimming with personality with wonderful weaponry at
their disposal.
The
Kaijus roar incredible chaos with an impressive array of colossi ranging from shark head, crab, lizards and those who swim are engaged in a variety of brilliant brawls with
no two really panning out the same.
Although essentially a smash and grab affair, it’s absolutely impossible not to
be stunned of how stupendous celluloid looks.
In
case you didn't know or thought I’d forgotten…
Ellen
McLain is obviously great providing the voice for GLaDOS, er Gipsy Danger AI
and you just know she’d love to emit dark sarcasm while chatting about cake,
Aperture Science and testing.
Valve,
get your asses in gear as the world demands a third outing…
It’s
interesting that The Breach is described as a ‘portal’ and while probably pure
coincidence, her voice was no accident.
Hyper
critical gripes include that other bots needed more input and Chuck
screaming “Yeah, Gipsy! Kick his ass!” tarnishes an otherwise decent script.
Attend
your local cinema, munch on chosen snack(s), slurp whatever liquid and enjoy
just over 2 hours of sheer and unadulterated entertainment that results in near
popcorn perfection.
Do
it not and regret will forever flow faster than a mountain stream.
