Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Assorted film funnies!

There is no need for a big introduction as the title shouts for itself. 

I'm here to tickle tummies, lighten the mood and encourage guffaws.

Multiple images may not necessarily occur in a correct sequence but that's irrelevant as events aren't supposed to make any sense.

PS.  If anybody wants to know what these stills are actually from, drop me a message and I'll be happy to satisfy your curiosity...

Right, down to business.


He quickly regretted volunteering for the first televised head shot.
From here to eternity, I confidently announce that Quentin Tarantino remains the luckiest bastard in Hollywood.  Santanio Pandemonium - the epitome of evil?  The most sinister woman to dance on the face of the Earth?  My ass. 
(Grunt), (shit), (moan) and (mumble).  "Oh fuck, do I really have to get up and discharge the Serge as I really can't be bothered?"
"You better get to it asshole, or you'll have more than talking nipples to worry about."
"Bullshit.  I need my foot powder and a Coors Light."
Releasing anger via a sledgehammer is both invigorating and stimulating.  After all, I am already looking ahead to The Fear. 
I am, in a world of shit.  The answer lies within a locked and loaded rifle, boasting a full magazine, sir.  My major malfunction is been unable to match Gunnery Sergeant Hartman's amusing use of profanity.  The toilet will be the last place I'll park my ass before biting the big one and my only regret is that I won't get to play Nam-1975...
Hey Violet, how do I know that myself and Judy are a pair of bollocks?
Doralee, you really got me more than The Kinks.
Because you're the prick in the middle.
That's cute and you've also demonstrated that I'm drinking with more than just a pair of tits.
Dear Esophagus,
18 Rage Throat Lane, Deserted London, SW18 7TT.

Shit dude, that curry was hot.  I'm talking nasty and fucking volcanic.  Why didn't you warn me the need for swift ambulation as you know I'm inherently a lazy bastard.
We've had some good times but I can't forgive you, no hard feelings.
Yours sincerely
Private Mailer (unlikely to survive or ever return to normality)
Due to new security regulations, I have to frisk you.  As you're such a good little girl, you'll let Mummy do what she has to do, right?
Whatever, just get it over with already.
Ooh, that's sexy and saucy too, you foxy bitch.  Just relax and thrash about if you wish but here it comes, a massage of sensuous proportions that will leave you begging for more.
(It ends and the inflicted is unimpressed).
Don't you wanna frisk me?
Er, no.  What do you think I am, a fucking curtain opener?  Now if you've quite finished, I have DeVito and Schwarzenegger in mind.
Moon gets knocked down, but he gets up again, you're never gonna keep him down.
Unfortunately, psychotic eyes and grunting can only get you so far as getting my ass handed to me by Van Damme has become something of a hobby.
Rog, oh yeah.  Lips and assholes is so much scrummier with ketchup, sauerkraut, onions and a sexy helping of mixed peppers.
Yeah Riggs, I can dig your shit mixture but I'm going the extra kilometre by adding gherkins, jalapenos and hot bastard chilli sauce.
LISTEN YOU IGNORANT IMBECILES!  There's more to the Lithgow graph then Third Rock and Cliffhanger.  Watch me now as it's where Blake wasn't left, feeling on top of the world.
Could you really shoot The Man with the Golden Gun?  I mean, what if you miss, then what?
Chill yer' beans babe 'cause Scaramanga ain't a problem.
What are you on about?
I've got thrills, they're dividing and I'm gaining self-control.
Up a bit, down a bit, a tad to the left.  Hmmm, a little nudge to the right and bingo, the meat is deprived from the two veg.
Holy shit, James Cameron really misunderstood the whole idea of chest control but was it really necessary to lay fifty seven years of this shit on me?
This is how you take Duran Duran to extremes...
Inane grins and unsettling acceptance is guaranteed to cause a cancer of unease and blood curdling terror.  For these girly goths, it's a moment to climax for.
Along with the piano plink plonk, altogether now.
Sha dah dah sha doo wah, s
ha dah dah sha doo wah and repeat (many times)
Battlefield Earth?  Marvin, if you mention that profanity again, I'm gonna accidentally shoot you in the face, even if it means I'm on brain detail.
Behold, the result of a violent altercation between Dad and John McClane.
Begbie could hardly contain his excitement as the next annual Purge was about to begin.
Hello Inspector, pass me a mop and bucket will you as Doctor Who has handed me the inconvenient placement of a carving knife.  You can have the money, all of it, just remove the floorboards and you're rich.  Do me a favour and stick Sunday Bloody Sunday on to ensure that this day will end on a maximum high. 
Who needs a steak, garlic bread or crucifix as having this guy will happily shed light on Alucard and his horde of undead cronies.
Although it was a bit premature, Raiden and his brothers couldn't resist dancing a jig.
One wrong move from the vest and there'll be Minuscule Trouble in Gigantic China.
You have offended my family and now my face.  You have balls, bigger than most but as Kiefer Sutherland is otherwise engaged, your ass is destined to be skewered and will make a tasty kebab. 
What's that?  The boat's sinking?  Why do I give a shit as Billy Zane is about to shag me.
Sorry darling, when exchanging vows, I declined to mention that I'm a professional slut and will spread my legs more effectively than butter on baguette.
Sean Bean?  Sean fucking Bean?  Ha ha, that's funny but if this sick prediction ever comes to fruition, I'll be back and your ass can be sure that next time, I'll squeeze the trigger.
21 Years Later...
I'm back, feeling tip top, spiffing and fabulous.  Bang, bang and thank you mam.
Part heart, part machine, all heart, Lionheart.  Toying with Atilla will give him hope before I summon the usual spin kick which magically makes every asshole give up.
Waking up starkers, necking fizzy pop, finding endless dosh without anybody there to spout morality and fleeing from twitching rage.  London is a right hoot in the middle of an epidemic but those cheeky chimps still can't organise a piss up at a tea party.
It's riddle time.  Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?  Because, his dick was stuck in the chicken.
Okay Ted, now tell us a joke that's rude, lewd, crude and actually really funny?
Er okay, where do I start?
Inflation pisses most off and this guy proves that it's not only trains that let off steam.
Is that all you've got?  Ha, you kick like a pussy and unlike Paco, I'll eat these rubber kicks for breakfast, dinner and tea.
I said pass me the scissors, not stab me with the fuckers.
Just cancel your weekly soft porn and I promise to polish your Nuts and make a trip to the Zoo a very different experience.
Now you've seen Teeth, I triple dare you to dip your hand beneath what the petals hide...
You better fuck off with that camera right now or Daddy's little Princess is taking you to the prom and trust me, this is a drill that doesn't want to be known.
They're all going to laugh at you, plug it up, plug it up, we're all sorry Cassie.  Pigs blood, that Carrie White sure is cute, dirty pillows, keep your tits on and pull the rope.
Well thanks very much, thanks a bunch of bananas for reminding me of how great my life is.

What do I have to look forward to?  Hell, that's what but if I'm going, then I'm dragging you all down with me, without the guiding light of Sam Raimi.
In Goodfellas 1.2, come up and see me, and make me smile, you profanity spewing, vice crushing, pen stabbing beastly bastard.
Hicks: Drake, we are leaving but before we do, let me bag and tag this magnificent specimen that will be worth millions to the bio weapons division.  Now If we're smart and don't grease that rat fuck son of a bitch, we'll both come out of this as heroes, and we will be set up for life.
Drake: Yeah, I'm sure a decomposing xenomorph with less life than a squashed hedgehog will be worth a mint.  Who knows, maybe a tip is also in the offing you dickhead.
Gorman: Who's firing goddammit?  I ordered short controlled bursts with extra peppers, nachos, cheese and bacon.
Burke: Where's Bowski?  He should go!  Good idea!  After all, he's ready and willing, you know he is, you know he is.
Hudson: They're coming outta the walls?  I can't believe the selfish bastards are coming out of the goddamn walls when I've only just finished decorating.  That's it man, game over man, just game over.  What the fuck am I going to do now?
Ripley: You better just start dealing with it, Hudson!  Listen to me!  Hudson, just deal with it, because we need you and I'm sick of your bullshit.
Vasquez: Seventeen days after we're declared overdue we can expect a rescue?  Shit, that's not enough time to teach you grunts Spanish.
Bishop:  Ah Ripley, I like your new haircut.  Oh sorry, that hasn't happened yet.  Wait, that shouldn't have happened at all and as for Resurrection, let's not cross into that space.
A bottle of vodka mixed with advocaat is the perfect tonic to apparently help blank out the permanent and decaying greenery spreading on my face.  If I must become the leading light in Greenfinger's Galore, at least let me have the good grace to go out with some fucking dignity.
Give it back now you complete and utter bitch.  We had a deal, remember?  A suck and slurp from my water bottle in exchange for taking a peek at your raggedy ass in that leotard.

Kinky sex?  I'll give it a whole new meaning, once you've bitten that pillow.  This was easier than taking candy from a baby as I never expected the mention of 52 pieces would be the key to unlocking your chastity belt.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Copyright © 2012-2017 Nukes and Knives™ All rights reserved.