Sunday, 11 January 2015

Video games Lost in Translation - Crumpet

No screeming at moniter or similar electronic hardware bursting with power because life is hoppy to hang brighter than new burn star drunk in blanket of dark knight.

Yesterday's future today so process objetive without fainting.

Commando (Arcade)

Congratulation, your first duty finished and on this evidence, the second duty is likely to go the same way.
Several duties later, your finished and on behalf of the entire platoon - thank Christ.
Over to the NES port.

To Your or not to 'You're'?  That is the question.
Art of Fighting (Neo Geo)
This information is dogshit, missing a capital 'D'. 
Cabal (Arcade)
They attempted to court-martial this guy for not returning to headquaters to begin another mission but the case was thrown out when the CPS realised the bastard place didn't exist.

The Office of the Commander was subsequently abolished.
Labyrinth (Apple II)

You remind me of the babe. What babe? Babe with the power? What power? The power of voodoo. Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the babe.

Before Maniac Mansion et al, Lucasfilm took an alternative view of Jim Henson's 1986 classic fantasy by retaining the film's principle and chars (less Sarah and Toby), but had Jareth challenging a cinema-going boy to escape his labyrinth.

Anyway, take a look at each of these screens.

Get the picture?

A?  Exactly.  It's almost like it was done on purpose.

Here's the arguably better looking C64 game that doesn't have 'weoknesses'.

The MSX2 version by Pack-In-Video modelled itself on Lucasfilm's effort with a different visual style and the Famicom game was basically a Zelda clone.

Spinal Breakers (Arcade)

Figthing would have me feeling knackered too.
Come on then, what's so dreadful about the Hildroids?
Oh yeah, some bilge about missile bases and 'the yeare ago.'
Bonze Adventure (Arcade)

For those who have visited a dilapidated cemetry (backyard or otherwise), cease drinking curry flavoured diesel.
This ending spiel was doing so well until it became 'devine'
I wonder if Creamy Tetsu (laughs) was responsible for typing 'creater'?
Or maybe it was his learned friend, Crazy-assed motherfucker Yoshikawa. 
Athena (Arcade)

'Why don't you join me again?'
What, and partake in another dranatic adventure?
Thanks, but no thanks.
Take that congraturation and stick it right up your King of Fighters shining crystal bit.
Metal Stoker (PC Engine)

I taked a vacation and nobody never dared fuck with me again.
Next to be continued ..
Err, was this supposed be some kind of sequel threat?
Double Dragon (Arcade)
All that violence must have corrupted progrmmers and animeter but designer and music somehow escaped without a scratch.
Ghostbusters (NES)
This prooves why the justice system is more fucked than offering conglaturation at an awards ceremony.
SD Fighter (Arcade)
They made an excutive mistake.
Bucky 'O Hare (NES)
Oh no, we've been atacked and guess what, even the righteous don't care.
Shadow Force (Arcade)

The text is small but amusing goofs are far larger.
Kai is a kombo stick wheeling descendant of Iga ninja.
Why is the 'i' in wheeling the only letter to be in lower case?  In fact, it's the only letter on the entire screen to be in lower case.  AMAZING!
What is a 'kombo' stick and was wheeling meant to be 'wielding'?
Tengu is described as a 'cybog' and not a cyborg.
In regards to Coyote, 'due to reconstructive surgery by teser'.
I can't begin to imagine what a 'teser' is and more to the point - what the FUCK?
Blunet is 'the only femaie worrior. Uses tro swords as her weapon'
Come on, you're laughing, right?
The enemy's building at the construction site was completed on schedule because nobody was prepared to destory it. 
Bionic Commando (Arcade)

Mission acomplished.
They rebuiled the world to maintain peace.
Instead, it fell apart and never recovered.
The Ninja Kids (Arcade)

Valid variations of 'fly' are flew and flown.
'Flied', as in a 'fly ball' is a baseball term, but this ain't silly boys rounders...
People call them as "NINJA KIDS" makes about as much sense as manufacturing sausage rolls in a cream cake factory.
Announcing the resurrection of 'the' Satan is soon obviously excites these Ku Klux Klan wannabes but what about the giant gaffe they're about to reveal?
I'd pronounce 'ckeck' as 'queck', or bollocks.
Riot Zone (PC Engine)
To answer his question.

"Jammed up your ass with a rusty nail."
Golden Axe (PC Engine)
I swown to get even with Death equals Adder, in this life or the next.
Incidentally, the arcade original did get it right.

The 1989 Master System port focused only on Tarik (previously only known as Ax Battler).

For some reason, Sega applied a number of differences.

1. The map is no longer owned by 'Sega'
2. Dialogue is altered
3. They recoloured the arrow; and
4. Reinvented villain as Death minus Adder

Why? Why? Why?

Cyber-Lip (Neo Geo)
I wasn't insane, but now I'm insain.
Every cloud and all that.
Arnie 2 (C64)
'Retrieve' is one of those words that insists on the 'i before the e, except after c' rule and saying the writers of this piss poor sequel had their minds on other things is no excuse.
The Fairyland Story (Arcade)

I wonder how long... it took them to fuck up?
Answer: This journey in the castle.
I'm sure we'll get over it.
Cross Wiber Cyber Combat Police (PC Engine)
Thanks to Cross Wiber's well armed, well organized top special inspecter interfering, things didn't go as planed for
Actually, he failed because his beast troops weren't deproyed quickly enough.
Ninja Masters (Neo Geo)
In case you didn't know, pressing B & C 'button' simultaneousty to draw a weapon is a fantastic way to unwind.
Avengers (Arcade)
You've just found the ideal excuse to neck a bottle of vodka.
Akira (Amiga)
Some things are best left burried, like this game for instance.
Billy Bong (Spectrum)
If it's all the same with you, I'd prefer to choose a letter.
Continental Circus (Arcade)
Sharing a moment like this is something I'll never forget.
Placing hand on still beating heart - I give spacial thanks.
Ninja Warriors (Arcade)
You say want a revorution, well you know, and everything became to an end.
If Lennon/McCartney had penned these lyrics, it would be considered genius.
Savage Reign (Neo Geo)
Suck my duck and fun tou foul funster!
Sengoku (Neo Geo)
I've heard of playing to the crowd but this is ridiculous.
Present also needed my mate 'ed' but he was sick, rather like SNK.  
Space Gun (Arcade)
Should we give ourselves up because some space shuttle was destoroyed?
Hell no, I don't eat shit for nobody.
Thunder Cross (Arcade)
Completely crushing the evil forces of the Black 'Inpulse' may be a relief but the menacing threat to mankind had been aferted is surely a greater concern.

Thanks to your bravery, the purple-faced burp bottom monster/ was devastrated and planet can rest angrily.

However, the forses of evil are bound to rose again so be sure to stay fit and alert.

Gratitude extinded to playing time.

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