Saturday, 21 May 2016

X-Men: Apocalypse - The scoop and digest

Preceded by his Days of Future Past and Michael Vaughn's First Class, Bryan Singer wraps up prequel trilogy.

James McAvoy - Charles / Professor X
Michael Fassbender - Eryck / Eric / Magneto
Oscar Issac - Apocalypse / En Sabah Nur
Jennifer Lawrence - Mystique / Raven
Tye Sheridan - Scott / Cyclops
Evan Peters - Peter / Quicksilver
Kodi Smit-McPhee - Kurt / Nightcrawler
Nicholas Hoult - Hank / Beast
Sophie Turner - Jean / Phoenix

In 3600 BCE, omnipotent mutant En Sabah Nur rules Egypt's Nile Valley but is betrayed during transference ritual.

Before biting the dust, his Four Horsemen manage to preserve him inside pyramid.

1983, Ohio.

To confirm, this is ten years after Days of Future Past.

Scott is taken to X Mansion by older brother Alex (Havok), where the Professor helps him control optic blasts.

Sleeping beauty awakes and wastes little time in recruiting the power of four, starting with petty thief Storm on the streets of Cairo.

I'm jumping the gun, but to cut a long story shorter, Psylocke, Angel/Archangel and Magneto complete the fab four.

There's a lot of horsing around and Professor is inevitably kidnapped.

1407 Graymalkin Lane is destroyed, but Quicksilver (Magneto's son) evacuates student population.

Mutant hater Colonel Stryker takes the meat of survivors to Weapon X facility where a certain Logan escapes and unleashes Wolverine's Rage.

Hey, that was also a 2001 Game Boy Colour outing and berserk reference to comic.

Jean gives sideburns memories and homicidal maniac scarpers into snowy wasteland, setting up the original X-Men film.

In Cairo, Nightcrawler pisses on immortal baddie's transference plans and delivers Professor safely back to fighter jet Blackbird.

A scrap ensues, but Magneto realises the error of his ways.

With a little bit of help from mutant friends, Jean calls upon inner entity Phoenix and fries Apocalypse.

Who needs Pyro, right?

Back at reconstructed mansion, Raven puts the new X-Men through their paces and face off against Sentinels in a training session.

A post-credits scene shows Essex Corporation big cheese taking Wolverine's blood sample from abandoned Weapon X facility.

I mentioned Mister Sinister at the end of Days of Future Past.

Uncanny.

Overall, we take a large stride backwards.

It's not bad - just okay, and that in itself leaves me deflated.

2 hrs ish felt considerably longer and that's never a good thing.

Is this the most violent and goriest 12A film of all time?

Probably.

Olivia Munn's outfit shows gratuitous cleavage and she could whip me silly any day of the week, month or year.

I think most will agree the best thing about The Matrix Revolutions is Monica Bellucci in red bodysuit.

Not that Jennifer Lawrence is a dog of course.

However, Scarlett Johansson remains the sexiest woman alive.

(Ahem).

Before facing off against Nightcrawler, Angel defeats a guy carrying his reputation around corpulent waist, aka The Blob.

Also, no anachronisms exist.

1. Eurythmics 1983 hit Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) plays during Quicksilver's comical rescue.

2. In same scene, the observant will clock a poster of Duran Duran's 1982 album Rio.

3. At some point, Reagan's portrait is pinned up on office wall.  Former actor turned President was first elected in 1981.

4. Quicksilver 'trades in' Pong for Ms. Pac-Man which came out in 1982.

About halfway through, Nightcrawler suddenly thinks he's Michael Jackson.

'Cause this is thriller, thriller night.

WEIRD.

There's so much to dislike.

Villain of the piece is supposed to be a bad motherfucker, but Oscar Isaac's portrayal isn't the least bit terrifying.  Apart from elemental control, all guy in blue really does is walk about and occasionally shout.

Subject matter suggests the end of the world.

Err, maybe I missed something?

The big showdown is awful and unnecessary pyrotechnics did nothing for me.

Super-sized Apocalypse in astral world looks so fake and worst of all...

After betraying boss man, Magneto arranges two steel girders to form 'X'.

Oh my God!

I was cringing inside.

Finally.

Moira informs first mutant has been worshipped as a God since the dawn of civilization.

In the disappointing Blade: Trinity, Drake was the first vampire.

Coincidence or insane rip-off?

Who knows?

The next is rumoured to be set in space, so could feature Asteroid M.

At time of writing, I'm not excited.

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