Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Alien: Covenant - The scoop and digest

For the second part of Alien prequel series, has Ridley Scott addressed multiple complaints?

Michael Fassbender - Walter/David
Katherine Waterston - Daniels
Danny McBride - Tennessee
Billy Crudup - Oram

In opening scene with Peter Weyland, David names himself after Michelangelo's statue of same name.

10 years after Prometheus, colonisation vessel Covenant is heading for planet Origae-6.

Crew includes upgraded android Walter, head female Daniels and acting captain Oram.

Power surge damages ship and awakes peeps from hypersleep seven years early.

Mother picks up a rogue transmission on apparently lifeless rock, compelling them to investigate.

Sound familiar?

On the way to finding derelict, dust particles released from trampled seed pods give ear ache and get right up somebody's nose.

Umbilical cord quickly grows and neomorph is born.

Vicious bastard is the result of ecosystem mutating with black goo.

David frightens beastie away and takes survivors to safe haven of now Engineer graveyard.

Call me a lunatic, but if I was 'rescued' by somebody who took me back to a place surrounded by hundreds of corpses, I'd be rather concerned.

Instead, nobody bats an eyelid.

Film is so fucking stupid.

Using black substance as template, he's been researching how to create xenomorphs.

To David's horror, Oram breaks connection made with neomorph by shooting it dead.

Oram is taken to incubation chamber where he's urged to take a closer look inside egg.

Guess what happens?

Before the inevitable, Oram asks David what he believes in.

"Creation."

Yep, out pops baby protoxeno, and we're told Elizabeth was sacrificed in the same way.

At some point, facehugger is forcefully removed from Lope's face.

However, it curls up and dies.

Uh oh.

Meanwhile, Tennessee braves weather conditions and lands to extract survivors.

After learning fellow android ain't Mr. Nice, Walter expires David.

Xeno hitches a ride on fleeing ship and killed when trapped and crushed inside arm crane.

Nightmare isn't quite over, as unidentified life form feasts on horny couple taking a shower.

(Grimaces).

With the help of Walter, Tennessee and Daniels successfully expel threat from hangar into the big black.

Prepping crew for hypersleep, Daniels asks Walter to realise her late husband's dream of building a log cabin on Origae-6.

'Walter' has no idea what crazy bitch is babbling on about.

Meaning...

Fabulous plot twist (we never saw coming).

With cat let out of bag, David regurgitates facehugger embryos, intending to use sleeping colonists as hosts.

Film closes with David making Covenant's final report as 'Walter'.

Gorgeous

From scenery to faultless CG, this is probably the sexiest piece of celluloid I've ever seen.

H.R. Giger headlines ending credits.

I should jolly well think so.

Overwhelming failure

Low expectations were unfortunately met.

Scott lazily goes over old ground, but unlike claustrophobic 1979 classic, running time never scares and delivers zero suspense.

Incredibly dumb characters are picked off in predictable fashion and script fucking sucks.

Performances fare no better, but Fassbender plays dual role with aplomb.

Symbolism behind awkward flute scene?

I'm not entirely sure.

Neomorphs don't hold back, and while head design was obviously based on freak of nature the Goblin shark, I can't help comparing albinos to something from Silent Hill.

Walter and David engaging in Marvel and/or DC style combat?

Ha ha ha!

Before sewing shit up, two more are planned.

Do I care?

No.

If ass craves a good sci-fi horror, then I suggest you get a Life.

Just make sure Ryan Reynolds stars, and not Dane DeHaan.

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