Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Baywatch - The scoop and digest

Based on the hit TV series of same name, will Seth Gordon's action comedy bask in warm sunshine or be a summer flop?

Dwayne Johnson - Lt. Mitch Buchannon
Zac Efron - Matt Brody
Kelly Rohrbach - C.J.
Priyanka Chopra - Victoria Leeds
Alexandra Daddario - Summer
Jon Bass - Ronnie

Much to the annoyance of local cop Garner Ellerbee, lifeguard leader Mitch is a living legend in Emerald Bay.

Mitch finds a portion of drugs (known as Flocker) washed up on the beach, and immediately suspects sultry businesswoman Victoria Leeds.

As lifeguard tryouts get underway, Ronnie (who has literally a hard on for C.J.), and Summer are successful, but self-proclaimed 'best swimmer in the world' Matt Brody clashes with Mitch.

Ronnie wearing a Donkey Kong tee is surely making reference to documentary film The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters.

At a swanky soirée hosted by Leeds, Mitch and co attempt to gather evidence, but Brody gets smashed instead of fulfilling lookout role.

Nevertheless, Mitch gives Bieber one more chance.

At the morgue, Brody, Summer and Mitch witness Leeds' men covering up tracks by planting a falsified autopsy report on murdered councilman.

Video evidence recorded on Summer's phone is destroyed, forcing Ellerbee to let henchman go.

In the aftermath, council chief Thorpe threatens to issue Mitch pink slip unless he backs the fuck off.

Does tough guy listen? Of course not.

Mitch and Brody go undercover at the Huntley club and find staff retrieving Flocker from fish barrels.

When contacts Ellerbee, another body is found on the beach.

For abandoning position, Thorpe fires Mitch and recruits Brody in his place.

Taking a job as cellphone salesman, David Hasselhoff (known as The Mentor) reminds Mitch of identity.

New lieutenant continues playing detective and nails the bitch after Ronnie hacks Leeds' server, revealing her plans to privatize beach by any means necessary.

Boarding private yacht, Brody discovers drug stash after prising open hull's compartment.

He's knocked sparko and left to die inside bait cage.

Just before blue eyes drowns, Mitch comes to the rescue.

C.J. and Ronnie use firework display to scupper escape helicopter from landing and although shot, Mitch uses a Roman candle to make Leeds go boom.

Ellerbee arrests the corrupt Thorpe and reluctantly eats humble pie.

Summer and C.J. finally relent to the charms of Brody and Ronnie and Mitch introduces Baywatch team to their new captain Casey Jean Parker (Pamela Anderson).

Outtakes reel plays during credits.

Mission accomplished

Okay, story is generic, CGI looks incredibly fake and Bond wannabe villain sucked, but rest assured, you'll be entertained.

Even if you're ignorant to source material, nobody can take ridiculous bullshit seriously.

Title sequence concludes with Mitch emerging from the ocean and film's giant title appearing on the horizon.

Damn, almost forgot about playful dolphins.

WTF?

Slo-mo running, muscles, tight swimsuits and gratuitous shots of juicy cleavage?

Yep, piss take ticks every box.

Johnson and Efron make the best of fuck happy script and Jon Bass is fun as tech geek.

However, female performances are lost at sea.

Vulgar slapstick largely fails but Brody touching corpse's dick brings several chortles.

Matt Brody was originally portrayed by David Charvet and probably named after ichthyologist 'Matt' Hooper and Amity police chief Martin 'Brody'.

Whether assumption is true or not, I'm sure it was done on purpose for film.

Anyway, running time boasts one of the strangest fucking things cinema has ever produced.

During final act, Hooper's terrifying discovery of Ben Gardner's decapitated head is 'altered'.

Both are checking boat's hull and when coming up for air, lighting is eerily identical.

Circumstances may be different, but COME ON?

And no, this isn't parody.

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