16 bits, 2 bytes - Eleventh Event

Last Action Hero, Bits Studios 1993

Boasting the star appeal of Ian McKellen (Death), Charles Dance (Benedict) and some fun cameos (including Van Damme and Robert Patrick), Schwarzenegger action spoof had its moments.

Even for a film licence, this was absolutely pathetic.

School is being held hostage by axe murderer the Ripper.

Like we care, right?

We begrudgingly participate in a boring King-Fu Master clone, as Jack Slater dispatches enemies from left and right.

Oh pardon me – excitement is broken up by a driving stage, with banality making me puke my fucking guts out.

If by some miracle you can be bothered to make it to the end, Ripper and Benedict await.

Same fuck stain can be found on Mega Drive, Amiga and portable systems.

NES interpretation was more platform orientated, but with even shittier controls, is best left in the nearest dustbin.

The King of Dragons, Capcom 1994

Chopped down (shock horror), but still a good conversion of 1991 arcade.

Elf, Fighter, Wizard, Cleric and Dwarf all have individual weapons, abilities and magic.

You’ll need all that shit to take on baddies ranging from orcs, lizardmen, skeletons, minotaurs, dragons and naturally, a variety of bosses.

We get loads of levels, but most are over before they’ve begun.

Action comes thick and fast and 2P simultaneous play is always welcome.

First Samurai, Kemco 1993

Best described as a clunkier Turrican (fused with Strider), Amiga original was a bit of a classic.

Sensei is killed by the Demon King, who escapes to the future.

Before dying, master manages to summon wizard mage, who gives sensei’s magic to young samurai, so he can hunt Demon King through time and avenge his death.

Ever watched Samurai Jack?

Whatever, TV series ripped plot off.

Pursuit of evil bad guy will have you visit Tokyo, ride flying train, ascend time elevator and explore Demon Palace.

Some levels and bosses have been altered, but main difference is boss (now dubbed Overlord), can’t be just simply found.

Instead, five mystic runes must be collected and used to summon beastie at its lair.

Fairly uninspiring bosses range from pair of goofy dragons, zombie swordsman and possessed computer.

Demon King is same silly head as we may or may not remember, but now walks on ridiculous legs.

Second Samurai debuted on Amiga and when ported to Mega Drive in 1994, sported a completely different and more ‘consolised’ look.

Batman Forever, Probe 1995

Not be confused with the unrelated Batman Forever: The Arcade Game, this is one of my all-time faves.

That's no shit boys and girls, I honestly have a hard-on for its fluid controls and riveting gameplay.

The Bat and his inconsequential crime-fighting sidekick Robin (either singularly or co-operatively), must clumsily wade through a brilliant assortment of stock baddies.

Just in case you care, here's some motion capture info.

Batman (Brian Snyj), Robin (Jeff Gibson), Riddler (Matt Norklun) and Two-Face (“Pee Wee” Pienonte).

In short - this is Mortal Kombat with platforms, less the gore.

SHITALITY!

Fairly ironically, Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe really happened in 2008.

Batman and Robin have default and optional gadgets, which are executed like a typical MK special/fatality.

Enough already.

Here's why liquidated offal is high on lethal acid.

Using Batman’s grappling hook (or Robin’s equivalent), is achieved by pushing Select.

Weird, but that's not the problem.

To access a higher level, we must perversely tap Select 'slightly' before jumping, in a VERY specific place.

Guess what?

‘Up’ is motherfuckin’ jump.

In order to drop below, you have to tap R, slightly before tapping ‘down’.

WHY BE SO FUCKING CRYPTIC?

Here's the final insult.

All cart games usually load instantly, right?

Well yes, but this shits on programming rule book, by regularly displaying the message of ‘Hold On’.

Dismember me... slowly.

Please.

Brutal: Paws of Fury, Eurocom 1994

Before Bloody Roar gave us half-human, half-beast creatures (known as Zoanthropes), anthropomorphic animals lion, cheetah, panther, bear, bunny, vixen, coyote, rat and fox mix it up in this one-on-one fighter.

The amusingly named Dali Llama (an obvious play on Dalai Lama) is end boss.

Learning special moves was innovative for the time and situation isn’t taken seriously.

Although lacking superior sound and impressive cinematics of Mega CD original, I’d take smoother gameplay over fancy presentation any day of the week.

Released for DOS and 32X, update/sequel Brutal Unleashed: Above the Claw added mole and cat to line-up.

Knights of the Round, Capcom 1994

Merlin challenges Arthur, Lancelot and Perceval to find the legendary Holy Grail and release the world from chaos.

Every stage, boss and even horse support made it home, and as a Brucie bonus, music is a huge improvement over previous tinniness.

Despite having technical issues and reducing co-op play from three to two, conversion of 1991 arcade is still fucking amazing.

Rampart, Bitmasters 1992

In one of the many ports of 1990 Atari arcade, ultimate aim in top down action-cum strategy is to protect castles from invading ships.

Before stage starts, bricked structure must be selected to defend.

During battle phases, it helps to strategically place cannons so enemy ships can be given what for.

Expanding territory or repairing fort walls are represented by ‘Tetris’ blocks, as shapes can be rotated.

As you’d expect, every ship must be eliminated before moving on, but if your castle goes boom – it’s over.

Extremely influential for the ‘tower defence’ genre, but holy shit; graphics have not aged well.

Boogerman: A Pick and Flick Adventure, Interplay 1995

At his laboratory, Professor Stickbaumy has been secretly been building a machine to save world from pollution by transexisting it to Dimension X Crement.

X Crement?

(Sniggers).

Is Dimension X reffing Krang’s homeworld of Turtles fame?

Eccentric millionaire Snotty Ragsdale has a bad feeling about this and travels to the source of pollution, unaware of the horrors that await.

Complete with red cape and gargantuan chin, superhero wannabe fights numerous enemies by spitting phlegm, stomping on heads and firing ‘green’ streams from shorts.

Via fart gauge, he can also boost.

Glamourous surroundings include swamps, pits, Boogerville, Mucous Mountains and Pus Palace.

Entering toilets access secret areas and teleporting gets right up my nose.

A few stages must be negotiated before tackling comical bosses.

Hickboy is assisted by redneck chicken who shits eggs.

Revolta Guy belches lightning clouds and uses ugly stick to get around.

Flyboy hovers about spitting maggots and er, spit.

Tubby superhero Deodor Ant buries in the ground and sprays less than fragrant fumes.

End boss Booger Meister squeezes out snot balls and trumps in hero’s general direction.

Impressive cartoon visuals and animation are strangled by a less than exciting mix of brown, red, green and blue.

Some may think colour scheme suits situation, but a bit more imagination wouldn’t go amiss.

Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts, Capcom 1991

Welcome to the first remake of 1988 arcade sequel.

Unlike Japanese version Chōmakaimura, crucifixes on coffins and gravestones in North American/European versions are censored with ankhs.

Whatever.

Delicious art style is complemented by Mode 7 wizardry and tonnes of variety, not forgetting beautiful orchestral arrangements.

Graveyard, haunted ship, frozen valley (complete with glistening crystals), rotating tower and fire palace, are just some of the amazing locations seven brutal stages boast.

Fourth stage takes places inside a creature's stomach, with background rotating at fixed intervals.

A sinister variety of foul creatures can easily reduce Arthur to a pile of bones, and whether fighting a giant vulture, hideous worm or fearsome hydra, bosses are consistently superb.

To survive ordeal, best advice is to get the dagger as soon as possible.

Of course, we all know that.

New armour automatically upgrades current weapon and gives licence to unleash magic.

Breaking chests can reveal unfriendly magician, who won't hesitate to transform Arthur into a duck, woman or crocked old man.

What a wicked bastard.

Thankfully, effect is only temporary.

After killing what we believe to be end boss Nebiroth (Asutaroto’s mate), Princess Prin Prin tells us that only her Goddess Bracelet can defeat Sardius (Samael in Japan).

So we have to go through entire game again.

Cruel yes, but hardly surprising.

Measuring a screen and a half, Sardius is a pain in the bum to kill, as like subordinates - we must aim for the head.

Otherwise unreachable target is achieved by hopping on platforms that stomach kindly spits out.

For all the good, there is bad (and the ugly).

Slowdown is horrendous and action can flicker badly.

For a lag free experience, I suggest investing in a copy of PS1 compilation Capcom Generations, or PSP compendium Capcom Classics Collection Reloaded.

I appreciate Arthur has always been weighed down by armour, but why not make him move a touch faster?

New double jump admittedly helps, but trajectory is still fixed.

Here's a great idea.  Let us fucking move in mid-air.

Final remake belatedly came to GBA in 2002.

Most will skip Original (SNES port) and dive straight into Arrange, which features branching path system.

Accessing new stages is dependent on which suit of armour Arthur is wearing after boss battle.

Expect classics from Goblins, the original Ghouls, and some God awful new ones.

Lagoon, Zoom 1990

Forgotten and relatively short RPG could be accused of looking like an early entry in the Ys series.

While that's down to personal opinion, X68000 version boasted animated cut scenes.

Nasir is raised to be the Champion of Light.

Water around Lakeland becoming muddy must be the sign of evil, hence demons appearing everywhere.

Hero must investigate and bring pure water back.

Thankfully, game is better than its story.

Talk to peeps, wander around town, obtain information, splash the cash at shop, fight enemies, overcome bosses.

The usual shit.

Archetypical top-down affair is visually basic, but strangely appealing.

Rescuing peeps and escorting them back to base makes things a bit different.

Playing world is split into areas (if you like), and nasty demons are found in caves, castles, deserts, chilly surroundings and Hobbit Valley.

Bilbo and Frodo were unavailable for comment.

We do have HP/MP and energy bar, which gradually fills when wandering around in battle sections.

However, privilege is not extended to boss battles.

Fairly predictably, energy bar grows after defeating bosses and using items.

Adding more meat to story.

Ella (a witch) is working with warlock Zerah to revive an evil spirit by using the power of darkness.  Princess Felicia’s power is needed to shift Lagoon Castle, as secret place will give enough magic to revive spirit.

It eventually comes out that Zerah made water muddy and summoned demons.  As a consequence, disease spread to town.

Mint is said to cure anything and is guarded by demons at Siegfried Castle.

Zerah used Thor’s power to create world of darkness and forced him to open castle’s holy of holies.

Grand finale takes place at Lagoon Castle, as enemies and bosses throw the kitchen sink at you.

Thor revives the evil spirit but Champion of Light actually woke him up.

Oops.

After dispatching Zerah, Thor shows his true power as bird creature.

Overcome him and final challenge awaits, as evil spirit becomes a demon.

And that's that.

Being able to save at any time is remarkably handy, but things are taken too literally, as play resumes exactly as you left it.

Just so we're clear, that includes anything that was going on at the time, so like a 'legal' save state.

When defeated, bosses scream like elephants trumpeting.

Strange.

But even more fucked up is that Capcom stole identical sample for Dhalsim's dumbos in Street Fighter II Turbo.

I blush at being able to reference such random shit.

Before moving on - remember this.

Darkness gives us rest and relaxation.  Light gives us courage and hope.

And that means?

Fucked if I know.

Paladin’s Quest, Asmik 1993

Another underrated and underappreciated RPG.

Game focuses on magic student Chezni, and his wondrous misadventures.

Lennus is land of legend and wonders.

Suddenly, half of towns people perish.

Is Lennus angry?

Thirteen years later, we're still none the wiser.

In Saskuot, evil dictator Zaygos was born and conquered five united tribes.

Leader of Saskuot plans to attack northern continent Naskuot.

In the remains of Lennus, School of Magic is built in Naskuot, but evil exists.

Legend tells of great spiritualist Gabnid, who brought magic to Lennus 10,000 years ago.

So-called Great Ones Kormu, Sophie and Gabnid brought courage, love and wisdom to Lennus respectively.

Realm of Raiga is bound together by 8 spirits, which later becomes rather important.

Got all that so far?

I sincerely hope so.

You only have MP on Lennus and only HP casts magic (thus reducing health).

Different yes?

Taking only the best medicine can nurse you back to health and resting at boarding house is recommended.

X amount of NPCs join the fight and inevitably, some must be paid for their services.

Fucking mercenaries.

A max of four are at your disposal, each having their own strengths and weaknesses.

Some (including Duke), leave at set intervals.

If you prefer merc over story regular, latter must be abandoned.

Ultimate merc is known as Mouth.

Did developers watch The Goonies?

To raise attack and defence, items can be equipped to various body parts, but bizarrely, equipment can't be removed.

What the...?

Mercs cannot be given equipment, nor can they purchase spirits, but do possess apparitions not yet available to main characters.

Primary areas are accessed on world map where you can explore, talk to peeps, and visit item and weapon shops.

In the same breath, ass must deal with the tedious necessity of random battles.

Much like Dragon Warrior, combat switches to FPS.

The usual choices of attacking, casting magic and scarpering come as standard.

Increasingly expensive magic can be bought from spiritualists and who learns it is down to you.

However, there is a way to learn new spells without parting with any coin.

This is achieved by reading spirit writings in whichever town's learning centre.  If you combine spirits via menu screen, new spells are learned.

It's similar to Final Fantasy II, but with magic.

Let's wrap this up.

Gabnid has gone fucking nuts and Dal Gren is already active.

After we take care of Gabnid (a buddha monster), the Sword of Kormu is used to kill dragon Strabo (creature of Del Gran) and Gabnid's strength.

As a consequence, Great One turns back to normal.

Eventually travelling 10,000 years back in time, Chezni listens as Sophie lays it all down.

The only way to defeat Dal Gren is for chosen one (little old you) to gather all spirits forbidden to man, as doing so gives right to wield ultimate magic.

Once Sophie is given the nod to lock you inside the Crystal World, centre of maze must be reached without colliding with immortal spirit Doth.

Beating simple quiz captures remaining spirits and then we can fight Doth.

Assuming you're successful, such power may give Chezni a better than average chance against that bastard Zaygos.

Wanna know what Piaz,  another spiritualist has to say?

Fab.

Gabnid gave birth to Strabo with evil heart and Zaygos bore Lokiarn at Noi Gren.  As a dare, Chezni activated Dal Gren and created a duplicate monster of himself and creature called Kaimat.  Kaimat had been growing stronger with ancient machine and aims to make Lennus history.

Kaimat can only be killed by its creator and from magic of the spirits.

The big twist is that Duke was Zaygos all along.

Knowing evil machine could only be brought back online by a Raigan, Duke's motives are now clear.

End boss is a two-part encounter.

Larger than life dictator merges with Kaimat and transforms into a giant monster.

Kick antagonist's ass and Dal Gren collapses.

Lennus is saved and in the aftermath, Chezni realises dream of becoming Master Spiritualist.

Catchy themes, bonkers plot and decent pastel graphics make obscurity worth seeking out.

Sure bosses mainly suck and tedious backtracking irritates, but no RPG has ever been guilty of that, right?

Featuring improved graphics and a critically acclaimed soundtrack, Lennus II was released exclusively for Super Famicom in 1996.