David Gordon Green's 'requel' is out on 19 October and I cannot wait.
Rest assured, you'll be hearing all about it.
In the meantime, let's make sense of a convoluted nightmare.
1978 - 1995
Halloween
Halloween II
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers*
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers**
Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers***
*Laurie was killed in a car accident.
**For some reason, subtitle is omitted from opening sequence.
***Formally introduced the Curse of Thorn and dedicated to the memory of Donald Pleasence, who died nearly 8 months before its release.
1982
Halloween III: Season of the Witch
Loomis and Michael died at the end of 1981 sequel and that should've been that, but it only took a year for bastard child to fuck that up.
Just for fun, subtitle is an unrelated 2011 film starring Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman.
Silver Shamrock Novelties plan to use mystic powers of Stonehenge rocks to resurrect Celtic festival Samhain.
Michael is only seen during a trailer for Halloween shown in a bar on TV (suggesting John Carpenter's classic is fantasy).
Featuring androids, witchcraft, sacrifice and pretty rubbish special effects - Tommy Lee Wallace's standalone film certainly had the balls to depart from policy, but ultimately didn't work.
Having said that, TV advert jingle (to the tune of London Bridge Is Falling Down) is undeniably catchy.
It was supposed to mark the beginning of anthology series, but after performing so poorly at the box office, the deaths of Michael and Loomis were retconned.
Miscellany
There's so much BULLSHIT in Return.
It's claimed Loomis shot Michael six times (correct), then set him on fire. Latter statement isn't accurate (Loomis caused explosion), but what scriptwriters inexplicably 'forgot' is that he took another five rounds in Halloween II. Actually, it's technically thirteen, as Laurie subsequently shot Michael in both eyes.
More importantly, as Michael is now blind, how the fuck did he regain eyesight?
After 10 years in a coma, I guess eyes grew back.
As for Loomis, he suffered facial burns, even though Doctor was burned alive.
(Laughs).
I could rip into Revenge and Curse, but frankly can't be bothered.
Note how fourth and fifth films swap Roman numeral for number.
Oh, sixth didn't assign anything.
WHY?
Oh, which brings me to the 'superior' Producer's Cut.
Yeah, I really said that.
Title card correctly calls infamous sixth entry Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers.
Significantly different to the much gorier and disjointed theatrical version, it wasn't made legally available until years later on DVD box set The Complete Collection.
Subtitles of 4-6 are extremely similar to ones used as titles in three Pink Panther films (Return, Revenge and Curse respectively).
Other pieces of cinematic 'irrelevance' are The Return of Dracula (1958) and The Curse of Frankenstein (1957).
Another Curse involved everybody's favourite Good Guy doll Chucky.
1978 - 2002
Halloween
Halloween II
Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
Halloween: Resurrection
H20 ignores 4-6 and as title suggests, takes place 20 years after original and sequel (only because events of 1981 film are played out on same night).
So 'another' Halloween III then?
Laurie faked her own death to go in hiding and works as a school headmistress, under the name of Keri Tate.
Once again, Michael had sight replacement therapy.
She eventually decapitates geezer with a fire axe.
However, Resurrection brought one of the most fucking stupid plot twists EVER, as it's revealed Laurie actually murdered a paramedic who Michael earlier swapped clothes with and crushed his larynx so randomer couldn't speak.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
Michael finds Laurie at Grace Andersen Sanitarium and for the first time on-screen, she's officially killed.
The derelict Myers home then becomes the setting of reality TV show Dangertainment.
I don't have to tell you how unspeakably bad this was, because you already know.
Busta Rhymes dabbles in kung fu and screams "Trick or treat motherfucker."
I am literally lost for words.
Piece of shit is the only film to state Michael was born on 19 October 1957.
2007 - 2009
Halloween
Halloween II
Rob Zombie is known for co-founding heavy metal band White Zombie, but now arguably more famous as a film director.
Kicking off with House of 1000 Corpses, he followed that up with sequel The Devil's Rejects.
Then...
Prequel, reimagining, reboot and remake (really), explores Michael's psychotic origins, trying to explain what drove him to kill.
It's the only time where Michael talks (albeit as a child) and runs (off-screen in climax), and ends with Laurie apparently blowing antagonist away at point blank range.
Universally panned, but I thought it was decent.
Next came disappointing follow up, and guess what?
Michael survived, and murder spree continues.
White horse idea was pretty cool, but poorly utilized.
Laurie (really Angel Myers, Michael's long-lost sister), repeatedly stabs a helpless Michael (already impaled on spikes of farming equipment) in an abandoned shed.
Halloween 3D was ultimately cancelled.
1978 - 2018
Halloween
Halloween
Title is so fucking stupid.
After all, it's a sequel - not a bastard reboot.
What are we supposed to call this in the years to come?
Halloween 2018?
Let me have a go.
Halloween 2, Halloween: 40 Years Later or Michael Myers.
Summing up
Halloween (1978, 2007 and 2018)
Halloween II (1981 and 2009)
Two titles (comprising of five different films) and five separate timelines?
Is there really any need?
Let me think.
NO.
Rest assured, you'll be hearing all about it.
In the meantime, let's make sense of a convoluted nightmare.
1978 - 1995
Halloween
Halloween II
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers*
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers**
Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers***
*Laurie was killed in a car accident.
**For some reason, subtitle is omitted from opening sequence.
***Formally introduced the Curse of Thorn and dedicated to the memory of Donald Pleasence, who died nearly 8 months before its release.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch
Loomis and Michael died at the end of 1981 sequel and that should've been that, but it only took a year for bastard child to fuck that up.
Just for fun, subtitle is an unrelated 2011 film starring Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman.
Silver Shamrock Novelties plan to use mystic powers of Stonehenge rocks to resurrect Celtic festival Samhain.
Michael is only seen during a trailer for Halloween shown in a bar on TV (suggesting John Carpenter's classic is fantasy).
Featuring androids, witchcraft, sacrifice and pretty rubbish special effects - Tommy Lee Wallace's standalone film certainly had the balls to depart from policy, but ultimately didn't work.
Having said that, TV advert jingle (to the tune of London Bridge Is Falling Down) is undeniably catchy.
It was supposed to mark the beginning of anthology series, but after performing so poorly at the box office, the deaths of Michael and Loomis were retconned.
Miscellany
There's so much BULLSHIT in Return.
It's claimed Loomis shot Michael six times (correct), then set him on fire. Latter statement isn't accurate (Loomis caused explosion), but what scriptwriters inexplicably 'forgot' is that he took another five rounds in Halloween II. Actually, it's technically thirteen, as Laurie subsequently shot Michael in both eyes.
More importantly, as Michael is now blind, how the fuck did he regain eyesight?
After 10 years in a coma, I guess eyes grew back.
As for Loomis, he suffered facial burns, even though Doctor was burned alive.
(Laughs).
I could rip into Revenge and Curse, but frankly can't be bothered.
Note how fourth and fifth films swap Roman numeral for number.
Oh, sixth didn't assign anything.
WHY?
Oh, which brings me to the 'superior' Producer's Cut.
Yeah, I really said that.
Title card correctly calls infamous sixth entry Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers.
Significantly different to the much gorier and disjointed theatrical version, it wasn't made legally available until years later on DVD box set The Complete Collection.
Subtitles of 4-6 are extremely similar to ones used as titles in three Pink Panther films (Return, Revenge and Curse respectively).
Other pieces of cinematic 'irrelevance' are The Return of Dracula (1958) and The Curse of Frankenstein (1957).
Another Curse involved everybody's favourite Good Guy doll Chucky.
1978 - 2002
Halloween
Halloween II
Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
Halloween: Resurrection
H20 ignores 4-6 and as title suggests, takes place 20 years after original and sequel (only because events of 1981 film are played out on same night).
So 'another' Halloween III then?
Laurie faked her own death to go in hiding and works as a school headmistress, under the name of Keri Tate.
Once again, Michael had sight replacement therapy.
She eventually decapitates geezer with a fire axe.
However, Resurrection brought one of the most fucking stupid plot twists EVER, as it's revealed Laurie actually murdered a paramedic who Michael earlier swapped clothes with and crushed his larynx so randomer couldn't speak.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
Michael finds Laurie at Grace Andersen Sanitarium and for the first time on-screen, she's officially killed.
The derelict Myers home then becomes the setting of reality TV show Dangertainment.
I don't have to tell you how unspeakably bad this was, because you already know.
Busta Rhymes dabbles in kung fu and screams "Trick or treat motherfucker."
I am literally lost for words.
Piece of shit is the only film to state Michael was born on 19 October 1957.
2007 - 2009
Halloween
Halloween II
Rob Zombie is known for co-founding heavy metal band White Zombie, but now arguably more famous as a film director.
Kicking off with House of 1000 Corpses, he followed that up with sequel The Devil's Rejects.
Then...
Prequel, reimagining, reboot and remake (really), explores Michael's psychotic origins, trying to explain what drove him to kill.
It's the only time where Michael talks (albeit as a child) and runs (off-screen in climax), and ends with Laurie apparently blowing antagonist away at point blank range.
Universally panned, but I thought it was decent.
Next came disappointing follow up, and guess what?
Michael survived, and murder spree continues.
White horse idea was pretty cool, but poorly utilized.
Laurie (really Angel Myers, Michael's long-lost sister), repeatedly stabs a helpless Michael (already impaled on spikes of farming equipment) in an abandoned shed.
Halloween 3D was ultimately cancelled.
1978 - 2018
Halloween
Halloween
Title is so fucking stupid.
After all, it's a sequel - not a bastard reboot.
What are we supposed to call this in the years to come?
Halloween 2018?
Let me have a go.
Halloween 2, Halloween: 40 Years Later or Michael Myers.
Summing up
Halloween (1978, 2007 and 2018)
Halloween II (1981 and 2009)
Two titles (comprising of five different films) and five separate timelines?
Is there really any need?
Let me think.
NO.
No comments:
Post a Comment