Nukes and Knives™: Smile you son of a bitch!

So after these.

http://nukesandknives.blogspot.com/2018/11/youre-gonna-need-bigger-feature.html

http://nukesandknives.blogspot.com/2019/06/hook-me-up-another-barrel.html

Finally comes this.

To very briefly introduce epic, Jaws 2 and 3 were never adapted into video games.

First 'official' shit stain was loosely based on The Revenge.

Why inverted commas?

Patience.

Jaws (NES), 1987

If taking a rusty corkscrew to your private parts sounds like fun, then LJN's nuclear bomb is the game for you.

Meat of opening paragraph from back:

This can't be! There has never been a Great White in these warm tropical waters before. NEVER! This is more than a coincidence... this shark appears to be possessed¹... as if it's hunting you down... like it's personal²

¹Probably coincidence, but Hank Searls' novel (from an early film script), suggests that shark is acting under the influence of an evil voodoo witch doctor. Although abomination completely ignores subplot, Michael says to his mother, "Come on, sharks don't commit murder. Tell me you don't believe in that voodoo."

²Reffing tagline.

Both Austin and Dr. Evil state "This time, it's personal" in The Spy Who Shagged Me and for obscure kicks, York chats about Jaws and Jaws 19 in open world survival horror Deadly Premonition.

Cover art is clearly lifted from example poster (less Ellen preparing to launch a harpoon).

Since when did widow become a fucking Eskimo?

We all know about Jaws 19 in Back to the Future Part II, but what many won't know is Heavy Metal thought of shit first.

Harry Canyon segment displays Jaws 7.

Cult animation was released in 1981, so eight years before BTTF II.

Amazing, right?

Let's take a closer look at what's on display in antique shop window.

Yep, there's a copy on display.
Behind it, there's Jaws 2, to the right is BurgerTime (NES) and finally, sitting on television is a Roger Rabbit toy.

Anyway, I digress.

Title screen gives shark red eyes, the devil's eyes.

Hilarious.

You've hit something!

Oh fuck.

This 'might' happen more than once.

Diver or sub is then forced into appalling shmup section.

Rinse repeat.

Damage inflicted on Jaws is painfully minimal.

Unlike cinematic inspiration, shark doesn't growl like a fucking lion.

Incidentally.

Sound effect was taken from 1946 Tom & Jerry episode The Milky Waif.

Receiver reflects Jake doing same thing.

Emptying Jaws's power triggers final sequence, where direct hit must be made.

Bowsprit impaling rubber beastie is present in both international cut/DVD version and theatrical cut/TV version.

But then things change, with NES ending based on the latter.

Jaws (Spectrum, C64, Amstrad CPC and MSX*), 1989

*Also released as Tiburόn (Spanish for shark).

All made a good fist of John Williams' theme and core of MSX is largely the same as Speccy, but without extras of Amiga/Atari ST version.

For some bizarre reason, Amstrad moves dorsal from right to left.

Story takes extreme liberties.

Mayor Vaughn hires a random professional shark killer from the mainland.
Unfortunately, a storm wrecks his boat (presumably killing him), scattering the means of Jaws' destruction throughout the caves and chasms of a menacing sea world.
So it's up to Police Chief Brodie, Hooper and Quint to retrieve lethal weapons from the sea bed and kill unwelcome intruder.

Aside from complete bullshit, there's no excuse for spelling Brody incorrectly.

The futuristic Mallrats also made the same 'mistake', but spelling Jason Lee's character Brodie Bruce was probably done on purpose.

Screens taken from C64 version.

Loading screen

Inaccurate boat dispatches submersible.

Playing area is basically a maze, and challenges player to explore underwater kingdom to find four gun parts.

Observe strange enemy.

Because it looks remarkably similar to one from Delta.

Piss was taken even further, as sound effects (less breathing) are identical.

Ending screen is same as game over, just with Fin!

Because I can.

The Meg also ends with word (minus ex mark).

Amiga/Atari ST have superior presentation, and other tidbits.

I genuinely like what they did here.

Presented on pseudo cinema screen, poster comes alive and eats swimmer.

Brodie (again).

Fancy vessel doesn't have the grizzled, bland look of the Orca.

Instead, it looks more like.

Hooper's boat.

Despite different places, it all looks the same.

For the time, shark looks okay I suppose.

Dying o'clock

Running out of lives

Suffocating

And strangest of all.

Screen signifies a bather will be eaten.

If everybody bites the dust.

Vaughn scolds and sacks Brody for shark attacks leaked to the press.

Decapitation represents some kind of trophy.

Back home we got a taxidermy man.
He gonna have a heart attack when he sees what I brung him.

To explain inverted commas.

Way back in 1983, Jaws Revenge! opened unlicensed gob.

WHY... the FUCK is shark eating a Spectrum?

Ha ha ha!

Unofficial Jaws tie-in Shark JAWS was the first, but this also had you play shark.

Crash 1984 review.

Cover art looks rather like 1975 BCA hardcover edition.

Surely based on.

Ron Taylor's famous 1966 photo.

And.

Hook Jaw was a story from controversial Action comic.

More unbelievably.

Jaws Revenge (2011 mobile game)

Premise is exactly the same.

Gobsmacked?

You and me both.

Jaws (C64 disc, Apple II and DOS), 1989

We control Quint, as shark hunter sails around the coast of North America to rid beaches from various types of sharks.

Oh didn't you know?

This is based on character's own spin-off movie.

(Laughs).

Box art is Jaws: The Revenge (modded).

Loading screen swaps swimmer for the Orca.

High-score table

Random image

Oh my God! They killed Quint.

You bastards.

Gameplay

If text is taken literally, Mayor is paying Captain 50000 to remove generic Great White specimen off beach.

(Frowns).

It'd be rude not to examine shark chart.

Not that 'man' has no earthly business to be here, description is so ignorant.

Man is Shark lunch?
Such ignorance makes me angry.

Captain, your ship has run out of fuel.
GAME OVER

Jaws Unleashed (Xbox, Windows and PS2), 2006

Regardless of generation, this is what most know.

Developed by Appaloosa Interactive and set 30 years after events of original, Michael Brody's marine biologist captures and transports Jaws to Amity's marine theme park for research.

So setting is kinda like Sea World in Jaws III.

Inevitably, resident beastie 'unleashes' mayhem.

Cover recycles 2000 DVD art.

Visual snippets

Shark looks pretty good.

Having fun with Orca.

Ripping whale shark apart.

Bloody brilliant.

Mayor Larry Vaughn Jr. and Michael Brody chew unintersting fat.

Spend points to upgrade numerous abilities.

Want to relive classic scenes from original?
Look no further than Extras.

Loading screens detail random trivia.

In the first attack scene, Susan Backlinie (Christine Watkins) was attached to a device that could be moved by ropes pulled by the crew, to simulate her being dragged underwater by the shark.

Steven Spielberg played first clarinet for one of the beach scenes.

Author Peter Benchley was thrown off the set after objecting to the climax.

Brody's dog in the movie was actually Spielberg's real dog.

Fascinating stuff.

Aside from repetitive gameplay and piss poor camera, what really grinds gears is necessity to frequently feed.

Eat or die

Super Hydlide (Mega Drive remake of Hydlide 3: The Space Memories), had the same problem.

After destroying Cruz Raddock's Orca II (also killing discount Quint), Brody drops bomb over devastation zone.
However, Jaws is revealed to have survived and follows helicopter.

Jaws: Ultimate Predator (3DS), 2011

Learning of mischief happening again at Amity, Hooper returns to investigate.

Text diary entries set up each level, confirming chore takes place in 2011.

Bosses exist, but missions in tepid afterthought to Unleashed demand nothing more than to 'eat and destroy'.

As we automatically move forward, our only means of controlling Jaws is using stylus to steer and attack.

Shark cannot swim outside playable boundary, but thanks to terrible collision detection, game can allow you to bypass general rule of thumb, forcing us to either die or restart mission.

Marvellous.

Wrapping things up is curious Wii version.

Game is very similar to Unleashed, but TecTonic Studios' game alters plot to have Jaws fight mega corporation and illegal genetic experiments.

WHAT... THE... FUCK?