Thursday, 10 October 2013

Total Recall: Purification (Conservation)

Ah great, your posteriors made it from Earth and landed safely on Mars.

Assuming you're not suffering from planet lag, let's sausage roll.

Hey baby, just let me control you, love me and I'm obliged to be your slave.  Without the bullshit or excess baggage, here I am, fully uncut and without compromise.
Hmmm, I don't know it's kind of a big decision isn't it?  Well, the cowbag at home is boring and broken so this might be my ticket out of this miserable shit pile.
Can I let you know in two weeks?
Two weeks?  TWO FUCKING WEEKS?  You men, you're all the same, a set of arrogant assholes who don't deserve the privilege of oxygen.
Fuck you, fuck you all.  Now witness what others have missed.
Okay, reject me, intimidate me, destroy me if you so wish but please, check my gnashers as the selfish bastards have been giving me a bit of jip recently?
Say ooh ah, breath bizarre!  Say ooh ah, breath bizarre!
14 days, a fortnight or 336 hours, what's the fucking difference?
I have brought a healthy assortment of fruit and vegetables onto the planet but customs will find my orifice won't grant easy access.
Behold my wizard's sleeve, hear it roar.
I realise my smile is more gormless than a drunk goldfish but compared to the moron on my right, I am the leading light that never goes out.
(No, no , no, no, no, no, no), together with disturbing, scrambled distress...
This is easy peasy holy shit squeezy.
Such teeth gritting is somehow exciting and erotic.
Desist you foul beast, it's the woman, get him, her.
Quaid?  Forget that bum, he's nothing and won't load without an azimuth screwdriver.
What?  You know of the frustrations behind owning a C64, I'm your new best friend.
Excuse me, coming through, make way.  Oh screw this and enough with the pleasantries, can you all please just GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.
Thank you for your assistance, goodbye.  I'd buy that for a pound.  Yak, yak, yak.

Directive 5 (bamboozled).
By accidentally stumbling upon the switch, my tortured soul is finally rid of that atrocious wig. 
I know I'm pretty, drop dead gorgeous and fitter than a steroid junkie but please avert your tragic gaze from my facade.
C'mon, do me a quaver as you're making me nervous.
Groovy dude.  Jekyll and Hyde?  Split personality?  Ho ho ho, green goliath.
No, don't you do it, don't you dare bring us back together.  Why are you doing this, I was happy, we were happy and now --- (fucking bastard).
Anticipation of detonation is worse than detonation itself.
I have been given the greatest grip of all, the grip of life.
Focus my little pudding and pie, at the present moment in time, kissing the girls and making them distraught is of supreme indifference to me.
SHHHHHHIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!  The end is nigh as The Quickening looms high.  Time to cry.
The tide is high but I'm holding on, I'm going to be Blondie's number 1.
I'm not the kind of guy to shit his pants, but now I know there's half a chance.
After the Captain breaks the news to Richter that the door can't be opened because they're all connected, his pursuit of Quaid is temporarily stalled because love is the bitterest thing.
The atmosphere is so exciting, it's electrifying.
Somebody thought it breast I should cover up my raspberries...
Anyway, don't let you put you off honey because while Mary isn't free; she's available.
Mel?  Hey Mel, if you need any help with this one; pirouette and scream.
Damned Monopoly money, this is an epic fail for toilet paper but as the three seashells are under repair, this makes a moderate substitute.
This could be the one to finally turn me on.
Tease and taunt him, exploit and distort him.
Oh shit, it's only Arnie.
This is more disappointing than the 'mind-blowing' contents of a Christmas cracker.
Oh well, I'll just a put a bag over his head and remember Mel, "To avoid fainting, keep repeating 'It's only a movie'..."
If you move that spot bitch, I'll see to it that you'll never walk these streets again.
After all the sacrifices I've made and all the suffering I craved, why the fuck did I bother?
Small-minded (ignorant), double-crossing (scheming), triple-faced (deceitful) whore (who goes like a train).
Sorry baby, you know Daddy's only kidding.  Actually no, I'm not, hookers like you are ten a penny and you're not even worth the change.  How stupid of me to think you were interested in reputation enhancement.
"Look who's talking?"  Who the fuck said that?
Yes, that feels fine.  Wowsers!  That's a mighty fine lunchbox and I'm just itching to examine the contents.
If I lift the lid and you're not there, you'll regret it.  Maybe not today.  Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
But what about us?
We'll always have Mars.
Just open the fucking door.
She better be exactly what I ordered and not some second hand slut dragged from the nearest dumpster.
I know what I want and want it now, I want sex, 'cause I'm Mr Pain.
Mr Quaid, allow me to introduce the filth of fornication, the dirt and degradation er, (what was your name again sweetheart)?
Fucking Me, Fucking You, a-ha.
No darling, just him, remember?
What's up stallion, I thought you'd be right in there?
My one-eyed monster won't turn green and is stuck on flashing amber, which confirms I'm fucking jinxed.
I can help you out, for a price?
If there wasn't, I'd be worried.
This is only a prototype and not yet on the market.  It's said to be toxic and highly dangerous.  The side effects could be devastating but, do you want to play or not?
Oh I want to play alright, here's fun, how about a game of Lead in the Head?
Well, I suppose you can't blame him for wanting to unload some kind of gun...
They say hell is where the wicked wallow and the libidinous lament among the midst of their own self-righteous squalor.
Adios motherfucker.
He can't do it, he won't do it, he hasn't got the cojones.  Don't sweat it, he's going to bottle it.  Oh FFFFUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!
In his mind I'll be dead and with no-one to guide him out, he'll be stuck in permanent psychosis.  Oh well, shit happens... 
I expected fireworks but this is just ripping the piss.
Hey look, the flashing amber light has just changed green which means you're getting off on this.  Tiger, tiger, burning gloriously on hallowed turf.
I want you to take me, go baby go, go baby go, and once you've started, treat my body like a tube of Pringles.
Please be advised, there is an added surcharge to cover company overheads.
Look 'sweetheart', my best mate that I've never met before lies dead adjacent, my balls are still stinging and my chin is aching like a bastard.
So no, I'm not really interested in trimming your lady garden and if that means I bat for the other side, raise your piece and let's do this.
No divine power can prevent the inevitable but you can't blame a girl for trying.
Maybe you can, maybe you can't but squeezing the trigger is just for larks.
That's a tad inconvenient and I'm sleepy, very --- sleepy.
All of a sudden, collapsing like a domino rally looks really comfortable...
I'm on the floor, floor  I hate to dance, you want more, more then here I'm not.  This starship was meant to die, let's not do this, one more time.
Ha!  Your magazine was loaded with more blanks than a territorial.
A fly caught in a famished spider's web had more of a shout.
Your 'duel' was rigged and staged more than a reality TV show?
(Nods sheepishly).
Humph!  What a dick.  Jesus, I've gone blind.
Fuck!  Way to go you stupid bitch...
If you have an iota of human compassion, please, anywhere other than the tits.
After all the Hans Christian Andersen taunts, revenge is a dish best served colder than a snowman's posing pouch.  BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Admittedly, my party piece has become boring and the reason behind why I taxi is now obvious.  How else do you think I make ends meet and feed my five kids?
Oh shit man, I ain't even married.
After my analysis, I am satisfied that any possibility of a communicable infection has been eradicated.
Enough of the getting to know you shit, prepare for pleasure that is closer to pain.
The rush of push is just the beginning and when you hear the crunch, we'll both be 'there'.
Turn around, turn around.  Over here, any time.
Wait for it, and... (CRUNCH).  For posterity bonny lad, how did that park your car?
Oh it's good, oh it's really --- fucking awesome.
Well blow my mind and shit my pants, look at that...
I don't profess to be any genius but if I can't send this attachment, how the FUCK am I supposed to remove it? 
How deliciously bizarre, it appears the sudden sensation has somehow transmogrified his physical condition.  Simply extraordinary.
What do you think Mr. Quaid?
Of what?  Oh sorry, you're one ugly motherfucker.
Sticks and bones may smash my phone but oil paintings will never upset me.
Open your mind at me, pppllleeeaaassseee.  Open your mind, open your mind.
Scanning... connection established, password override.
Account number, sort code and PIN number successfully deciphered.
Current balance $0.15
Awaiting request?

Withdraw $682.578.796.02
Transfer successful, new account balance $682.578.796.17.
Would you like a receipt for this transaction?
No?  Well fuck off then you ungrateful bastard.
Thank you for your custom.
Flatulence.  Definitely the unofficial eighth wonder of the world.  The only thing more satisfying than the unique aroma that engulfs and permeates the atmosphere is making it the filling of a fresh baguette.
Whoah, the whiff hits you like a sledgehammer and is wonderfully disgusting.
Yeah, despite the recent release of such a delightful bottom explosion, even a connoisseur would be astonished by this result.  I'm a firm believer that you live and die by the Sword of Damocles so ordering extra chillies with the Phall was genius.
Air, oxygen, cigarette?  Please, anything to freshen up surroundings.  I can't inhale this guff, I'm a vegetarian.  (Cough, cough, splutter).  Hurry along now, my eyes are burning and death is surely imminent.
Sorry pal, I'm shit out of supplies.
Before you 'pop off', which donkey is bound to come in for the 5:10 at Aintree?
Although he faded at Cheltenham and missed out to Bungee Balls by a nose at Ascot, my smoldering tip is ---- BANG.
Okay, I'll do it but what's with that name?  Shit, betting closes in five, I'd better hurry.
Wait a kettle whistling minute, how did you make such a convincing sound?
Don't get the hump with me, blame my nearest and dearest.  Come on old man, be a good boy and say hello to my little friend.
You have got to be pulling my plonker?  The crate of 'Jack' shit is on me.
He came in at 66/1 and I had a monkey on the cheeky little bastard.
Cheer up mate, you win some, you lose some, you play the game.
When you've picked up your dummy, let's go and see Mr. Cohaagen, he's a real nice guy.
That's right, pour salt in an already gaping wound you lousy bastard.
I hope that a freak accident with a combine harvester isn't too far away.
The respectful, compliant and appreciative bitch will come quietly but first, can you assemble an armed escort to the bogs because if I don't drain the lizard soon, I'll burst like a water pipe. 
He will get the girl, kill the bad guys and save the entire planet.

Apologies for leaving all and sundry hanging like a puppet but chill yer' beans, I'll sew things up in the final chapter.

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