Friday, 30 May 2014

X-Men: Days of Future Past - The scoop and digest

With its colourful array of complicated heroes and malevolent baddies, the Marvel universe continues to fascinate beyond obsession.

DC?  What's that?

Bryan Singer takes the usual suspects back on board as we indulge with a sequel to First Class, featuring references/inferences to The Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Mindless action outing Wolverine’s Rage hogged Game Boy Colour d-pads in 2001.

X-Men 2: Wolverine’s Revenge on PS2 was released to coincide, but wasn't canonical to X2 as hacking and third-person slashing through the titular char’s mysterious past of 1968 smelled of distinct mediocrity.

I could go on and on about related comic book pixels, but…  

Plot details and/or spoilers are sent from the future to repair the past.

Causing ripples in the river of time include:

Hugh Jackman – Wolverine/Logan
James McAvoy – Charles
Michael Fassbender – Erik
Jennifer Lawrence – Mystique/Raven
Patrick Stewart – Professor Xavier
Ian McKellan – Magneto
Halle Berry – Storm
Ellen Page – Kitty
Peter Dinklage – Dr. Trask
Nicholas Hoult – Beast/Hank

In 2023, Sentinels bear no mechanical scruples when obliterating human and/or mutant ass.  Those pinned down in Moscow do their utmost to resist but sensing their aggressors’ oppression will imminently overwhelm, Kitty’s ability to project a person’s consciousness back in time saves the longest of days.

The sagacious ramblings of Professor X and Magneto suggest for Kitty to send Wolverine's sub-conscious back to 1973 so the major disaster of Mystique dispatching Sentinel creator Dr. Trask can be averted, as finding her DNA will create the might of a robotic army - 50 years hence.

The future’s bleak, the future’s Sentinels.

Before waking to seek the help of Charles and Erik’s youthful selves, we take an unofficial time out to remember Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side of the Moon, The Who’s rock opera Quadrophenia (loosely adapted for the screen in 1979) and Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells.

Films of particular importance include The Exorcist, Mean Streets, Enter the Dragon, Don’t Look Now and The Wicker Man.

Anyway, Logan locates Charles and Beast at the empty X-Mansion and busting Erik out of an apparently impregnable prison beneath The Pentagon sounds like a plan.

In order for this impossible feat to become a reality, they secure the lightning speed of Peter/Quicksilver.

If you haven’t already, I’d definitely recommend American Horror Story…

Pong is given a blast in his retro den which isn't a clanger, because Atari’s arcade was released in 1972.

A superbly staged and occasionally comical prison break follows, with slowdown so juicy, even Super R-Type would blush.

The foxy Mystique is mischief-making in Saigon and prevents Stryker from rounding up a bunch of mutants for Trask’s research.

Our asses inhale the atmosphere of France’s romantic capital and assuming the guise of an army suit, Mystique’s murderous intent is thwarted by the arrival of Logan, Beast and co.

A large mural of Eugene Delacroix’s Liberty Leading the People spans the entrance doors.

Erik believes the future will paint a very picture if Mystique is erased, but his lousily directed shot succeeds in only wounding her.

After Tricky Dicky approves the Sentinel programme, Mystique’s blood is recovered which might give the pint-sized Trask an idea…

Erik intercepts a train and ensures the prototypes are ready for action by adding a little iron to their diet.

In order to regain his telepathic powers, Charles packs in the habit of intravenously injecting serum and becomes wheelchair-bound.

As Nixon unveils a clutch of robot baddies at the White House, Erik uses the Robert F. Kennedy Stadium as a makeshift barricade.

The Sentinels open fire and the good guys fail in their attempts to subdue Erik.  Logan is impaled by iron procured from nearby rubble and thrown into the distant drink, seemingly condemned to a watery grave.

Meanwhile, the DNA-enhanced Sentinels of the future eventually overpower mutant resistance.

Reverting back to the past, Erik prepares to kill Nixon but proves to be a naïve blunder, as the 37th president is in fact Mystique.

Charles persuades the girl in blue not to kill the Doc and because of this, the future is rewritten.

Trask is subsequently arrested for making a fast buck on military secrets.

The Logan of the future awakes and explores the Professor’s school who after bumping into old friends, asks the wily old dog to jog his memory from say, 1973.

Impersonating Stryker, Logan is rescued by Mystique in the past.

Providing your bum is willing to be numb for a little longer, a post-credits scene shows Apocalypse constructing a pyramid via telekinesis as four horsemen look on.

Is Mister Sinister already among us?  We’ll see...

This matches or even topples X2.

Effects naturally sparkle and action twinkles in the moonlight.

The concept of going back and forth mustn't drink from the chalice of stupidity and happily, plausibility is guzzled by the gallon.

Mystique altered the future, so the franchise is effectively rebooted because the previously deceased (including Scott and Jean), are all ship-shape and Bristol fashion.

Although most pieces to this puzzle fit, a few stones are left unturned.

Wolverine has bone claws in the past but adamantium in the future.

This is because Stryker hasn't yet reinforced his skeleton but in The Wolverine, the Silver Samurai (Yashida) slices off his claws that swiftly regenerate as bone.  So it remains to be seen when indestructible steel was crafted (again).

Also, Kitty's ability to send people back in time doesn't make sense as she could only pass through matter in The Last Stand.

Visiting Moscow left me seething with anger because Blink and you’ll miss portals.

Holy fucking shit.

I almost expected ‘Chell’ to overcome a series of increasingly difficult tests, guided by darkly sarcastic artificial intelligence which promises deliciously moist cake, (which of course is a lie).

Her namesake is also an essential supernatural ability needed to progress in Dishonored, which allows Corvo to ahem, teleport short distances.

Since meeting up in the year 2000, Mystique outrageously stole the memorable sound of Robert ‘T-1000’ Patrick imitating those unfortunate enough to be sampled by physical contact.

Remember, the mimetic poly-alloy cannot form complex machines.  Guns and explosives selfishly have chemicals, moving parts.  It doesn't work that way, but forming solid metal shapes, such as knives and stabbing weapons, aren't so hampered (dipshit).

It should be taken with a pinch of pepper sauce, but anything faintly resembling Stargate in X-Men: Apocalypse would cause more destruction than an unstable neutron bomb.

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