Monday, 20 March 2017

Kong: Skull Island - The scoop and digest

The second in the so-called MonsterVerse sees Jordan Vogt-Roberts reboot franchise.

Will I be going ape shit?

Tom Hiddleston - James Conrad
Samuel L. Jackson - Preston Packard
Brie Larson - Mason Weaver
John C. Reilly - Hank Marlow
John Goodman - Bill Randa

Somewhere over the South Pacific in 1944, a fight between an American man and Japanese woman is interrupted by something rather huge and hairy.

1973.

Government official Bill Randa hires tracker James Conrad to lead an expedition to place on map.

Colonel Packard, his men and pacifist photojournalist Mason Weaver all tag along.

Around 30 minutes, welcome to Skull Island.

Seismic charges are detonated to determine ground's hollowness which really pisses off a certain creature known as Kong.

In the aftermath, Conrad and Packard lead two separate teams.

With all helicopters down, Conrad states best chance of survival is to reach the other side of the island and sit tight until a resupply team arrives in three days time.

Meanwhile, Packard pulls a gun on Randa forcing him to spill beans.

He works for Monarch, an agency which specialises in hunting Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms, and mission is to finally bring back proof of what he knew existed for nearly 30 years.

Just in case you've forgotten, MUTO was an original monster introduced in 2014 Godzilla reboot.

Anyway, their goal is to take Kong down.

Conrad's team stumble across a native tribe and meet Hank Marlow (guy from beginning), who's been here ever since.

Slogan on the back of jacket reads 'Good for your health, bad for your education'.

Akira fans should immediately recognise this to be a spin on Kaneda's equivalent, 'Good for health, bad for education'.

His people see Kong as God, as behemoth protects them from island's primary pest - the Skullcrawlers.

Vicious bastards killed his Japanese friend and slaughtered Kong's family.

If the 'Big One' wakes up, it's Goodnight, Irene.

After using Marlow's boat to reconnect with Packard, Conrad and co reluctantly agree to look for Jack Chapman at former battleground between Skullcrawlers and Kong's ancestors.

Prowling Skullcrusher spits out Chapman's skull and dog tags confirming what we already know.

A careless Randa is devoured and beastie is killed by an explosion.

Even though Conrad tells Packard Kong didn't kill Jack shit, vengeance will be his.

While leading survivors back to the boat, Conrad, Weaver and Marlow agree to save Kong.

Kong falls for Packard's fire pool trap but human standoff ensures Kong isn't blown to kingdom come.

The Big One inevitably joins the party and everybody flees the scene, apart from Packard.

Kong squishes asshole like a bug before button can be pushed and TBO overpowers adversary.

Colossus and humans work together, and TBO is eventually killed when Kong rips out tongue and guts through its mouth.

Before leaving the island, Kong reaches into lake and saves Weaver from drowning.

Some time later, Marlow returns home to wife and son.

Post-credits scene has Monarch tell Conrad and Weaver that Kong is just the tip of monsterberg.

Archive footage of cave paintings depict Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah.  As screen fades to black, Godzilla's roar is heard.

Fun but very dumb

Excellent special effects, gorgeous scenery and exciting, if clichéd action sequences, just about mask piss poor story and lifeless performances.

Bestiary is largely redundant and when Kong treads water, brain received flashbacks of Talos terrorising Jason & the Argonauts.

Design of Skullcrawlers appears to stem from lizard briefly seen in 1933 original and Pokémon's Cubone of all things.

In other words - they suck.

Those familiar with Nex Entertainment's superb arcade horror rail shooter Dark Escape may liken reptilian rampage to Death Chamber boss.

Yeah I know, what an outrageous accusation.

Reilly is the only human with personality and it's a relief when Captain Ahab wannabe Jackson dies.

Mediocre script can be embarrassing.

Shortly after Kong takes out helicopters, 'somebody' remarks "We just got taken down by a monkey the size of a building."

Listen up assholes, does Kong have a fucking tail?

Jackson refs Jurassic Park with "Hold onto your butts."

Okay, that's fine, but this definitely isn't:

"It's time to show Kong that man is King."

BULLSHIT!

Apocalypse Now

Setting, characters and even IMAX poster?

Vibe of 1979 classic is hardly subtle.

Conrad and Marlow?

Heart of Darkness?

Ride of the Valkyries and 'I love the smell of Skull Island in the morning' are unfortunately missing.

One more thing

At some point, Kong quenches thirst and attacked by a giant octopus, which is probably a nod to the opening fight of 1962 film King Kong vs. Godzilla.

Instead of mollusc simply retreating, meal is made of situation.

Who does this guy think he is?

Dae-su?

Ha ha ha!

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