Monday, 17 April 2017

Rambo: The Video Game

Not to be confused with Sega's 2008 arcade Rambo (or any other game of same name solely based on First Blood Part II), it's time for toilet to finally flush Teyon's colossal turd.

Released for 360, PS3 and PC in 2014, travesty miserably replicates action sequences from the first three films.

Laughable graphics, terrible voice acting, embarrassing enemy AI and unbalanced difficulty condemns QTE driven on rails fuck stain to nearest plague pit.

Oh, it also crashes.

Filling and activating the Wrath gauge has Rambo enter Max Payne-esque slow motion and is the ONLY way to replenish health.

How fucking stupid.

As central characters have no additional dialogue (including groans and screams), the dulcet tones of Stallone and the late Richard Crenna are taken from StudioCanal's original voice tapes.

Talk is definitely cheap.

Did they forget about Brian Dennehy and Steven Berkoff et al?

Bizarre.

So apart from Rambo and Trautman, rubbish script is made up.

Ignoring a completely pointless Vietnam section, Rambo's exploits are remembered at his funeral.

This is NOT Colonel Trautman.
Headstone states he died at some point in 1988.
"MAY GOD FORGIVE HIM "
I just love how they managed to fuck up positioning of speech marks.
Unlike said arcade, Polish developer decided against using live action footage for cut scenes.

First Blood

Rambo arriving in fictional state of Washington gives us false Hope.



But from hereon in...

Forget Johnny, heeere's Teasle.


OH MY GOD!

Gotta admire dodgy moustache.

Did 'cleaning up' process begin wearing vest?



Guess not.

Take a butchers at magnificent mistake.

People a bit loopy are said to have a screw loose.
Mitch begs to differ, and determines solider boy has a screw 'lose'.
Absolutely unforgivable.

Chuckle at close up of Galt inside helicopter.


Impostor doesn't have a black eye or moustache, and hair is near shaved off.

But wait.

Subtitles state Gault.
Oh shit!
And there was me thinking that Jack Starrett portrayed Galt.

Lester on the radio is decent in principle.



Less blue and red sirens of course.

(Ahem).

Amusingly, Rambo is described as a Green shitting Beret.
Brilliant writing.

If unstable war veteran (or anybody) held a knife to my throat, I wouldn't exactly be smiling, but come the fuck on.
For fun.

"I could have killed 'em all. I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me.
Don't push it. Don't push it or I'll give you a war you won't believe. Let it go. Let it go."
Take a peek at National Guard geezer firing rocket launcher.



It's just fucking ridiculous.

Hey Earl, he looks exactly like you.

BULLSHIT!
Fair enough.

Unfortunately, there's no rat cave scene.

Boo hiss boo.

After stealing army truck and arriving back in town, he's already wearing belt of M60 bullets.


Is this true?

Not really.


To clarify, ammo draped across body doesn't happen until later.
To make gas station go bang, zippo lighter more than assisted.

Guess what?

Instead, flammable spillage loses argument with M60.
We then embark on a law enforcement massacre.
This happened in the book, but rather importantly, NOT in Ted Kotcheff's film.

Trautman does at least closely resemble his 1982 counterpart.


Rambo: First Blood Part 2

Authenticity is upped, but still contains some juicy shit.

Yushin


Lifer


Co


Julia Nickson looks, well... HORRENDOUS.

(Laughs).

Apparently, this is Podovsky.


Seriously?

This game is killing me.

When Rambo cuts POW free, it's done from the front, when should be from the back.



Hang on a minute, character in question isn't semi-naked.

What is their fucking problem?

Best of all.

Lovely green grass, boots are clean and not a speck of mud on M16.
But...

Yep, scene is so dirty, I need a wash.
Rambo III

Final part begins four days after Trautman is captured by the Russians.

Guy telling story reveals himself to be POW Rambo rescued.

Yep, he was Banks all along.

Describing Rambo's relationship with Trautman:
"a real friend in all that mud and blood and puke, that's one of a kind."
I get the mud and blood part, but puke?
Ha ha ha! 
At the end of eulogy, Rambo comes out of hiding and leaves Thailand to save Trautman.

So after one of the greatest plot twists of all time, there's no reason why events from war-torn Burma couldn't have been translated.

Lazy bastards.

Anyway, 3 days later in Afghanistan.

To be completely fair, I can't moan too much.

Trautman


Zaysen


However, dialogue contains another spectacular goof.

Vengance? Not vengeance?
That's it.  I'm done.

Supplementary to film trilogy is DLC Baker Team.

Who cares, right?

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